October 28, 2020 at 5:41 pm #368376
Hiding who I am, myself, my feelings from people, made me sick, so I know facing them, facing who I am with people, being loved, doing what my gut instinct says is what will heal the lack of love that caused the trauma. How to do that during the pandemic? I do know.October 28, 2020 at 5:43 pm #368377
I put a lipstick on. My whole body relaxed and anxiety went down. I can feel my body pushing me to be who I am.October 28, 2020 at 7:22 pm #368378
I will be back to your thread, read and reply to you in about 12 hours from now.
anitaOctober 29, 2020 at 8:04 am #368401
You are welcome. I hope you received good results from your physical checkup yesterday? Good to read that you were calm earlier “after soothing myself with a shower and yoga and putting my phone down for a while”- you chose calming, healthy behaviors and as a result, you felt calm.
“It’s hard to control your behaviour after living in fight or flight for so long but it’s not impossible. Baby steps… But.. not sure what baby steps to take”- you can start with downloading the mindfulness meditation series by Mark Williams, listening to the first meditation daily, for a week, then proceed to the second the following week, etc.- that’s how my therapist at the time started me on the path of Mindfulness. Mindfulness is used in the context of psychotherapy, teaching a client’s brain/ body to slow down and be engaged in the here-and-now, gradually, with daily practice. I imagine you are familiar with the concept?
“now I really wanna listen. And face the fear and trauma that caused it”- when you are calm and focused, will you define for me, in a sentence or a few, the two words I italicized, what do these words mean in your experience?
“Hiding who I am, myself, my feelings from people, made me sick, so I know facing them, facing who I am with people, being loved, doing what my gut instinct says is what will heal”, “I try and try to open up, wear makeup, feeling so expressive of my gender and identity and then someone gives me a dirty look. I shut down”-
– as a person who looks like a man, you can put lipstick on and not be given a dirty look or other forms of unpleasant or aggressive expressions if you walk around an LGBTQ-friendly community or neighborhood, or in the context of certain clubs, or in the context of the yearly gay parade in Hollywood, but not everywhere. A world where a man can walk around safely anywhere and everywhere wearing lipstick or women’s clothes- does not exist, and I don’t see it existing any time soon.
Therefore, you have to limit the contexts of wearing lipstick etc. You have to choose the When and Where. Otherwise, you are inviting a likely bad experience for yourself.
“I put a lipstick on. My whole body relaxed and anxiety went down. I can feel my body pushing me to be who I am”- by itself, putting on lipstick is not relaxing, it is not who you are, or who anyone is. Lipstick is a makeup item, it is not a character item, such as courage and wisdom. What this means to me, is that putting on a lipstick is a compulsion of sorts, similar to an OCD compulsion. Stress precedes the compulsion and is relieved after the compulsion has been performed.
You wrote earlier: “I want to feel connected to myself.. to be free to express who I am.. I just wanted to be seen and loved for who I am”- it is not going to happen by you wearing lipstick and walking around anywhere and everywhere. You will have to limit the lipstick to safe places, such as I mentioned. On the other hand, there is a whole lot about you that is authentic and true to yourself that you can express anywhere and everywhere without significantly risking people’s rejection and aggression. Figure out what those things are and express them.
October 29, 2020 at 8:35 am #368405
- This reply was modified 3 weeks, 6 days ago by anita.
though I think some other things you said we’re valid.
I feel sad and angry when you called my desire to express femininity an “OCD compulsion.” I have never been formally diagnosed with OCD.
A lipstick isn’t gonna solve anything, but that part of me is not some form of mental health issue.
My stress levels are not gonna be solved by lipstick. I know that. Courage and bravery are important. There are other emotions and things to express. But showing up with others as your authentic self is a piece of that. For everyone.
I know I will have to be selective about where and who I express myself with. I appreciate you reminding me that. I know expecting the suburbs to accept me is a pipe dream. But I’m here, in the present moment, in the suburbs. I will have to do what my gut instinct is now.
You say I “look like a man.” You have yet to see a picture of me. Gender is a spectrum and I am on it, I don’t feel comfortable or seen with you referring to me in these ways. I appreciate some of the feedback you said, I’ll take it where I can, I understand you’re a bit older, but I hope you can educate yourself further.
I appreciate your advice, I know you mean well. But I want to say: my stomach hurts from your words. I need to take a break from this thread.
October 29, 2020 at 8:54 am #368408
- This reply was modified 3 weeks, 6 days ago by S.
I am sorry that your stomach hurts after reading my recent post, and that you don’t feel seen by me, at this point. I respect your need to take a break from this thread, and I wish you well.