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  • #368063
    S
    Participant

    Also last point – I kind of hate antidepressants – I feel so much more myself when I’m off them or on less of them – but life is harder, anxiety is stronger, disassociation is more strong but the joy of looking at a tree is also stronger. The pull away feeling in my stomach to not talk to toxic people is stronger. But “mental breakdown” is more likely. But staying on them feelings like a constant mental breakdown and not knowing how you’re feeling half the time. It’s really a hard decision. What do you think of that?

    I don’t want to blame my medication for my pain, but it’s been 9 years and I’m kinda like…. wanting to try something else.

    • This reply was modified 11 hours, 12 minutes ago by S.
    #368062
    S
    Participant

    Often times, I would reach out and attempt to make friends, almost as a way to escape myself, well not almost. And those people would abandon me after a few months because I would say the wrong thing. Not wanting to let myself be fully seen with them. And facing the consequences. I have always felt disconnected from me and intended to stay that way. It’s killing me now. I’m emotionally, physically bankrupt. I can’t live a life of solitude any longer but I’m scared to reach out. The fear has a grip on me but I know it’s me that’s the watcher of it and has control of my actions. It’s not my fault for the things I did when I was in that reactive state.

    #368061
    S
    Participant

    I hear you, you’re right about that all. I guess it’s just hard to  love in the suburbs,  alone in my house, during a pandemic. Or that’s what I’ve been telling myself. I feel the pushback every time I try to be seen in this neighbourhood and I shut down. But the expression of myself around others and being seen, accepted and loved makes my anxiety fade. It always has, it’s clicking; Thank you for re-affirming this for me. I wanna find those loving people. I don’t know where they are right now. I think I should make plans to move out.

    #368020
    S
    Participant

    Totally understandable. I’m in a moment of fear and anxiety so I word vomited. I apologize. Well, I don’t apologize because it’s my truth but I hope I didn’t overwhelm you. See you in 16 hours.

    and – I’ve considered moving out many times – but don’t have a job, am stuck as a student. And I’m mentally miserable and dysregulated. But that’s 50% because I’m here. So it’s a self fulfilling prophecy. I need to leave though. I need to figure out how. I don’t want to leave and then come back again (hell no) so that’s why I didn’t rush to move out. But you’re right.

    #368015
    S
    Participant

    Now I have to make a decision, for college.. when I don’t even know who I am or my true nature. I don’t know how to feel comfortable in my own skin or connect with people. But have to decide my career. It’s so overwhelming.

    #368014
    S
    Participant

    <p style=”text-align: center;”>Recently I took up journaling about fears – and then meditation after. It helps. But I still feel afraid and angry. And numb with meds that I can’t seem to get off after 8 years. It’s just so difficult. I don’t wanna die like this.</p>

    #368013
    S
    Participant

    I was a kid who wanted to be free to express who I am but was too afraid. Other kids saw my fear and took advantage of that and made me a punching bag for 3 years. My parents were too stressed to care. Once the bullying stopped, my mental health was in such a shitty place, I hated myself more than I ever had. And now my body was growing; I tried to sit comfortably in the cafeteria and make friends, but the anxiety had grown so strong. It felt like everyone was looking at me and I couldn’t shake it. I tried to make friends but I felt no connection to anyone, and if I did, I would be so anxious I couldn’t stand to be around them and for someone to think I was “gay.” The suppressing my fear of myself and all my emotions for most of my childhood caught up with me. So I went on meds. And more meds. Came out as gay. And become a straight A student. Until I broke down. And broke down again. More therapy. More and more. Until I became dependent on weed. Would chase chaos. college parties that were pretending to have fun. sex and relations with men who made my gut feeling hurt. Jobs where I thought would make me happy but didn’t. Still empty. Late nights with men who I could express my femininity with, but I was treated/treated myself into this fetish, hyper sexual trans package for them. I would smoke weed, drink, take sleeping pills all at the same time and meet up with guys. The lines of consent got muddy a few times, basically. I was falling asleep while he did the things he did. Or I just didn’t even wanna do it, I just wanted to be seen and loved for who I am.

    its been a painful existence. I want to be a success story but how am I supposed to do that when I keep getting in my own way?

    #368011
    S
    Participant

    I know what you said about the past it’s true. It’s been repeating itself for years and years and years for me.

    I just don’t know the next step, how to resolve the past. Or I do, but I’m afraid. Of repeating the same past pattern. And that it’ll just keep repeating. So I do nothing most of the time.

    I’m so far away from where I want to be that it feels like a dense empty/numb fog that I’ve been living in for so so long. I meditate and journal, and therapy, but this is to cope, this will not free me or bring me peace, I know that as a fact. I know I want to feel connected to myself – but in the past, when I tried to express who I am, I got shut down so many times that I closed off for years, being completely numb with antidepressants/internet/porn and now; I’ve got to start or I’ll waste more and more time in my life. I’m 23 but am frozen at 14. With the same unresolved emotional issues. I’m so tired, I’ve almost ended it all many times. I want to be free And happy but I’m scared. I’m scared to live with regret and not change even more. It’s horrifying.

     

    #367980
    S
    Participant

    Thank you for saying all that. I feel like I’m being seen by you – an experience I’ve only had a handful of times in my life. So thank you so much for that. You’re so right about all that.

    I once felt an emotional connection to a boy a couple years ago and all the anxiety and depression literally disappeared in those moments. When that ended, it’s like my life did too.

    I also lived away for 2 years and experienced a slight decrease in inner turmoil at an out-of-city college, but my past trauma, fears to express myself/femininity and walls built-up made it only moderately different than being in my home. My friendships were surface level. When I would put glitter on my eyelids and smile at the lady at the coffeeshop across the street, that was a pleasant moment.

    I would love to communicate with you. Enough about the past, though. I’m here to embrace the now. It seems almost impossible to find people to connect and express with in this time during COVID. That’s what feels like my roadblock. My gut feeling is telling me maybe people at a job will connect with me, but my brain/body is so scrambled and pumped up, a job seems out of reach.

    I’m not sure how this forum works. Do we reply to each other on here?

    Sean

Viewing 9 posts - 1 through 9 (of 9 total)