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  • #368405
    S
    Participant

    though I think some other things you said we’re valid.

    I feel sad and angry when you called my desire to express femininity an “OCD compulsion.” I have never been formally diagnosed with OCD.

    A lipstick isn’t gonna solve anything, but that part of me is not some form of mental health issue.

    My stress levels are not gonna be solved by lipstick. I know that. Courage and bravery are important. There are other emotions and things to express. But showing up with others as your authentic self is a piece of that. For everyone.

     

    I know I will have to be selective about where and who I express myself with. I appreciate you reminding me that. I know expecting the suburbs to accept me is a pipe dream. But I’m here, in the present moment, in the suburbs. I will have to do what my gut instinct is now.

    You say I “look like a man.” You have yet to see a picture of me. Gender is a spectrum and I am on it, I don’t feel comfortable or seen with you referring to me in these ways. I appreciate some of the feedback you said, I’ll take it where I can, I understand you’re a bit older, but I hope you can educate yourself further.

    I appreciate your advice, I know you mean well. But I want to say: my stomach hurts from your words. I need to take a break from this thread.

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 1 week ago by S.
    #368377
    S
    Participant

    I put a lipstick on. My whole body relaxed and anxiety went down. I can feel my body pushing me to be who I am.

    #368376
    S
    Participant

    Hiding who I am, myself, my feelings from people, made me sick, so I know facing them, facing who I am with people, being loved, doing what my gut instinct says is what will heal the lack of love that caused the trauma. How to do that during the pandemic? I do know.

    #368375
    S
    Participant

    Thanks for giving me practical tips Anita. I am calm now after soothing myself with a shower and yoga and putting my phone down for a while. Earlier I was in a state of rage and screaming though at my parents, dysregulated and overwhelmed by my pain body and life situation. I’ve done this for years but hadn’t done it for months. I could analyze why that is forever but I don’t even know if it matters. I believe it will make sense in time. I don’t know what to say but thank you. I wrote a bunch of sticky notes with self assuring messages on my wall; some of the things you said. I feel hopeless but my feelings aren’t facts, like you said. Reality is breaking my heart quite a bit. It always was. it’s forced me to slow down. So many breakdowns, like every 8 months…. but now I really wanna listen. And face the fear and trauma that caused it. And the internet use and avoidance that made me sick. And the food that made my stomach ache. I don’t wanna go on anymore.

    I got my physical health checked, I’m going tomorrow so hopefully the results come back okay. But if not, I know I can be okay. It’s hard to control your behaviour after living in fight or flight for so long but it’s not impossible. Baby steps….But .. not sure what baby step to take.

    #368247
    S
    Participant

    Dear anita,

    I’ve been woken up with explosive levels of anger. I’ve spent all day suppressing it once again not knowing what to do with it. I feel like I am dying. I feel so helpless. I am feleing so out of control. I cried to my mom how much the things she did to me as a kid hurt me. She cried and we both cried and it was awful. I think journalling my feelings caused this. No, I think all the suppressing has led my body to a breaking point. I am so afraid of what to do next. I need to do seomthing differently. I cannot go on like this. My mom got mad also that I woke her up at 3am trying to get her to calm me out of a state of rage. She told me that, after i cried to her, how she was crying because she had to work and I woke her up.

    I am in a state of anger and intense anxiety right now. I think it’s from the changing the dose of my medicatiion from 100mg to 200mg so quickly too. I cannot do this anymore. I feel like I’m dying. Please help me. I’m repeating the same cycle. I cannot do this anymore. Please help me.

    It’s getting so so bad; my body is giving in from not listening to it every day. I need to do things differently. My mind is so flooded with adreanaline that I cannot breathe to even think of what to do differently. I want to express my feelings, suppressing them with internet and food for so many years is killing me. I watched porn several times today, ate many sugar-y muffins, ordered McDonalds and spent time on the internet again. It pushed it all down to explode again. I need to break out of this cycle. I don’t know why it’s coming all to the surface. I don’t want more medicaion . I want to be myself and live an autneti c life. I know I can make it through this. I am so scared I don’t have anyone who listens to me my mom just tlels me to stop complaining I cant do this anymore

    #368150
    S
    Participant

    I’m angry at my mom for invalidating my voice And giving me advice but I’m more angry at myself for not trusting myself and taking others advice before my own, taking my own advice deep down so I punish myself. I’ve been doing that since I was 3. Others feelings > mine. Others expectations of my clothes > mine. Others words and advice > my body’s advice. But That’s the only way I’ll be happy if I listen to my heart. I cannot heal living someone else’s life, it makes me lost.

    all the trauma journaling has brought up ALL the feelings – sorry for being such a mess. Thanks for listening. I need to trust myself

    #368148
    S
    Participant

    I will reply to the rest of what you said when I’m not in a state of panic –

    but you don’t understand, if I don’t express myself and my gender dysphoria doesn’t get soothed, I cannot relax. I cannot be at peace. I’ve tried every type of expression.

    I started a higher dose of medication because I was scared to act out around my family that was visiting. and I’ve been feeling worse, because I know my good feelings and self connection is dulled. I felt an inner calling to be on the lower dose. I only continued the higher dose because my mom pressured it too. But I chose the decision out of fear, it was my choice. And that makes me feel angry and trapped that I pressured myself to do something because others say so.

     

    i feel I should go to the hospital now because of my stomach pain, I called my mom to seek reassurance, despite knowing the outcome internally, and she said “no don’t go, put a warm towel on your stomach” and then she hung up. I feel so frustrated. I want to break everything again. I can’t live this way anymore.

    my gut says to go to the hospital – but it’s like?? do I trust it? Is it anxiety? That’s my internal monologue says. and then my mom comes and invalidates it. Now I’m sitting on my porch contemplating suicide. I will not act on these sensations. But This is all so horrible. This is a repeat of my past childhood trauma over and over. And I am the one repeating it unconsciously.

     

    in conclusion, I get angry when I do things for other people’s expectations and not what my inner voice says. And then I get invalidated by my mother once again for looking for her reassurance for my inner voice. It makes me want to scream and cry. I just want to listen to myself. But I’ve been looking for others advice, listening to my ego and fear… that never helped much anyways.

     

    im afraid I will be dead soon because of how stressed I am and have been for 10 years. I’ve been suppressing it and I cannot do it any longer. I feel like i can’t stop.

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by S.
    #368110
    S
    Participant

    I can’t take another day of repeating the past. It’s not healed at all. I’m not healed. I’m aware but not healed at all. I can’t do this. I feel like I’m going to throw up from fear and stress. I’m doing this to myself. I can’t do this anymore.

    #368109
    S
    Participant

    I know I have the power to change this but tot rust myself feels impossible when I don’t believe in myself at all and never did. I feel like I want to listen to my brains thoughts of what to do next but I cannot cling to this old reality any longer. My heart is going to explode.

    #368108
    S
    Participant

    My dad is emotionally unavailable. My mom is emotionally neurotic and distracts herself with everything she does.

    im alone in the suburbs with this fear of other people and their opinions, back to square one. I Never left square one, despite all the meds and therapy that never ever did anything for me. I feel paralyzed and ready to just leave earth sometimes. I need to take accountability for my life. I’m tired of blaming others.

    #368107
    S
    Participant

    I have to admit – I was arrested in the home I live in now, down in my kitchen, as a 17 year old for breaking everything in my parents house, well not everything but over $5,000 worth of stuff. I was angry that they pressured me to be on medication. I just wanted my life before I turned 14 and went on meds that numbed me back. I wanted my soul back. But when I went off them, my anxiety was very extreme. I had not healed much being on them, just confused and suppressing everything. I feel angry even today when my Mom suggests that people need medication when I say “I feel like I don’t want to be on it. It numbs me.” I miss feeling alive, the pain was so so dense but so was fantasy and excitement. The pain become so dense and suppressed that I couldn’t function. But now not much is different.

    i think that it feels close to impossible to heal in this environment – I try and try to open up, wear makeup and go ouT, feeling so expressive of my gender and identity and then Someone gives me a dirty look, I shut down and put on black clothes again.

    my stomach is hurting with extreme stress, anger, fear. I can’t stop suppressing it. I will talk to my doctor next week for an appointment but the work is so emotional.

    I feel trapped. Like any progress I ever made or any love anyone ever gave me never happened.

    when I go on a lower dose of meds, I can feel how much I hate what I’m studying in school. When I’m on a higher dose, I’m Sort of able to force myself to pretend. I’m numb. When I go on a lower dose, I’m able to ignore the calls of my toxic friends. When I’m on a higher dose, I can’t seem to get rid of that urge to call them. And I still feel horrible, just numb. I need to do what I want in order to actually want to heal. Either way – I’m in an immense amount of pain caused by my situation and lack of love for myself and others that needs to be faced. I can’t do this anymore. I’m on the brink of screaming And crying as I type this.

    #368100
    S
    Participant

    I agree with everything you said. I want to say… I’m grateful… this feels embarrassing but…

    I realize that every time I feel the urge to express who I am around people, be seen, have a social life, I get an intense fear. Then I feel the urge to dull it out with porn, overstimulate with music and news and.. Yet that just strengthens the fear. And it comes back into a crying session. This has been going on since I was in middle school and it seems impossible to break the cycle. I know it won’t be easy cause it’s ingrained as hell but it needs to be slowly broken. I set really high expectations of “todays the day everything will change and I’ll go out with like lipstick and just be so feminine and whatever”, then I get scared to meet that so I numb out. I put immense pressure on myself.

    I know I need to just express who I am, be seen, love myself and be loved but like… I’ve been doing this since I was 12.  Do I just bite the bullet and start expressing so I can figure out who the fuck I am? Also, overanalyzing is something I do to escape the fear… I don’t want to resist anymore but it seems impossible to overcome this but I KNOW deep down that it is NOT.

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by S.
    • This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by S.
    • This reply was modified 6 months, 2 weeks ago by S.
    #368063
    S
    Participant

    Also last point – I kind of hate antidepressants – I feel so much more myself when I’m off them or on less of them – but life is harder, anxiety is stronger, disassociation is more strong but the joy of looking at a tree is also stronger. The pull away feeling in my stomach to not talk to toxic people is stronger. But “mental breakdown” is more likely. But staying on them feelings like a constant mental breakdown and not knowing how you’re feeling half the time. It’s really a hard decision. What do you think of that?

    I don’t want to blame my medication for my pain, but it’s been 9 years and I’m kinda like…. wanting to try something else.

    • This reply was modified 6 months, 3 weeks ago by S.
    #368062
    S
    Participant

    Often times, I would reach out and attempt to make friends, almost as a way to escape myself, well not almost. And those people would abandon me after a few months because I would say the wrong thing. Not wanting to let myself be fully seen with them. And facing the consequences. I have always felt disconnected from me and intended to stay that way. It’s killing me now. I’m emotionally, physically bankrupt. I can’t live a life of solitude any longer but I’m scared to reach out. The fear has a grip on me but I know it’s me that’s the watcher of it and has control of my actions. It’s not my fault for the things I did when I was in that reactive state.

    #368061
    S
    Participant

    I hear you, you’re right about that all. I guess it’s just hard to  love in the suburbs,  alone in my house, during a pandemic. Or that’s what I’ve been telling myself. I feel the pushback every time I try to be seen in this neighbourhood and I shut down. But the expression of myself around others and being seen, accepted and loved makes my anxiety fade. It always has, it’s clicking; Thank you for re-affirming this for me. I wanna find those loving people. I don’t know where they are right now. I think I should make plans to move out.

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 21 total)