Victoria:

Hello! 🙂 I think I can see what you’re trying to say, but I might be off the point, as it’s very hard to fully understand someone’s unique and sometimes powerful experiences, that they have in life, let alone that person attempting to express that through a very linear, limiting medium of text.
I’m not going to tell you to meditate any way, as I find meditation difficult, nor am I going to quote religious scriptures either, as I often misquote or even misinterpret them.
Have you ever tried ‘Role Play’? Maybe get a close friend to play you, and then play your mum? Maybe that might demystify things. Then again, no promises it will help.
Have you spoken to other people with parents who have bipolar? Maybe a similar experience might help connect and make you feel less like you’re the only one who has experienced things like this.
Again, no guarantees.
I fear giving you techniques, with the hope of success, if they don’t work, you’ll only feel deflated, and maybe it will only exasperate your frustration; Please continue your discovery!
I hope with the ever pursuit of understanding and peace, you find something useful somewhere, which then clicks, or maybe just adds a little bit of a breakthrough somehow.

Hugs.