Hi Anita,

Thanks for your response!
I took some time to process it and am now revisiting it since I have a longer break from work this week.

I am rereading this thread – I guess I am now in a place of being used to the idea that I will have to leave.

There is an underlying conflict I am experiencing – In the past couple of months, I have had the opportunity to do some of the things that I was dreading – engaging with different stakeholders, supervising a team- and while it has been busy, it has also been not going horribly, which is giving me a boost in confidence. My mentor says I stay too much in my comfort zone – that I don’t push out of it enough and it limits my potential to achieve because I am afraid of failure. This is true, but I am even more afraid of success- because I don’t want to be seen, or to receive attacks, or to feel I am bogged down by responsibility.

On the other hand- I have a core drive to be of service, to be embedded in community and to be a part of something bigger than myself. When I imagine a future travelling around, while it sounds fun for a short while it also sounds like I would get cynical and tired after a while of just chasing my own pleasure.

I guess my ideal situation would allow me to be of service without putting restraints on me in terms of presence or time, but I don’t know whether that is possible, because it being so far outside the norm for the development sector that I stand alone as a bit of an eccentric character who is campaigning for better work life balance in a situation which is so resource limited that competition and exploitation are both very high and normalised, so a work life balance is not a priority or even an entertainable concept for anyone outside of myself (everyone around me has hustle mentality). From what I know of public service/social workers by talking to friends and family who do this type of work in the UK /new zealand/US/canada this seems to be a pretty universal experience.

I have some ideas for what I want to explore as ways of finding this balance, and I guess a part of me does also believe it is possible to find.

I guess for now I am curious about how you and others might approach giving back/service, and balancing that with personal joy.

With warmth,
M

Dear Anita,

I hope you are well.

I don’t know. I know I should. I think about making time to do it. But I don’t, even when I have the time, even when I’m thinking I should do it all the time, my muscles don’t seem to listen. So I don’t know. Its something I feel v helpless around.

Best,

M

Hi Anita,

Thanks so much for the kind words !

I’m from a big city in Pakistan and with the conflict between the two countries its the hardest place for me to able to move to because of visa restrictions. Which is unfortunate because you are right, with the cultural similarity I would still have the work advantages I do here. And I have family there I would love to meet, plus being able to visit my grandparent’s hometowns.

I think about moving to South America sometimes, or Spain/Italy because I like warm and vibrant places, and I would love to explore the arts and cultures there. Maybe at a different point in my life I will do it, when the pressure to succeed is less :).

With warmth,
Maria

1. For me, safety in dating comes in living with a partner and seeing their behavior up close before committing. This is almost unheard of in my country, and I am scared of having men over, because it is not uncommon for women to lose housing over these things. Casually dating in public is also not so openly done, and that makes it harder for those little moments of connection to happen that lead for me to have feelings for someone. I feel I am ready for a serious partnership (outside of these past few weeks) but feel unable to act on this readiness.
2. I don’t manage to save enough to host people as I would like.
3. I find housekeeping overwhelming because I have trauma around it. This also makes having people over harder, and also makes it harder to set up my home space as I would like.
4. I love dancing and playing in public spaces, just hanging out in a park, or walking to the grocery store but these are not very safe things for women to do alone in my country. I do them much much less frequently than I would like.
5. Work is the one area that feels very fulfilling, because I feel what I do here in my country makes exponentially the amount of difference it would if I did it in a western context. It is what is keeping me here. My setting, and my being fully grounded in this setting, helps my work be unique and be competitive even at a global level. It also makes me feel like I am helping to build a society more aligned with one I would want to live in. I fear losing this edge and fulfilment/ excitement if I do move abroad again. With my family, my father has a caregiver now who has taken over much of his care, and my mum has family she could move in with, so my family would be cared for if I do move abroad.

Dear @Helcat,

It has been pleasure for me as well!

I am glad you are in a healthier environment! it sounds like it must have been a relief.

Thank you for the validation and the vote of confidence! Yes, I think it can be easy to forget that better exists when you are in a place that’s less than great. I can try to find it.

The previous role was three days a week and I had two days where I was working at a start up. I still got to do my passion projects via the start up so I was happy enough. The stress on the three days was high but the two days in the middle where i could just ignore all calls, emails and pressure from this workplace were great and that break was enough to keep me functional, even though it pissed off my supervisor and his secretary, I felt I was in the right so I could stick to it. It felt easier to boundary set because I had a documented outside commitment to the second work place.

Best,

M

Hi @Helcat Thanks for your reply!

That is a very noble goal! Potentially, one of the few reasons to stay. If you left the role, would someone else take over and likely achieve that goal? Perhaps you can still help people outside of this role?

Awh, thanks! No, it has been more like my personal agenda than an organizational priority. I think I could still collaborate with my future colleagues in the future though to work on this if I were to leave things on a  good enough note.

I can empathise with how you feel about HU1. In my old workplace management criticised people behind their back. It made me feel anxious and distrustful.

Yes, it left a bad taste in my mouth, specially from someone in such a powerful position – still acting like a 5th grader.

I think there are a lot of managers like HU2.It sounds like a combination of personal habits and the nature of the role. It sucks when it feels like management doesn’t value your ideas. But this doesn’t mean that they aren’t good ideas. There are likely a variety of factors in play.

What I liked to do when being given lots of responsibilities is ask which is the highest priority and communicate expected time frames for each item. If HU2 gets upset when you are doing that, it is not your fault. As you said, it would be a lack of organisation on their part.

Yes, I do communicate this stuff. They still get angry. Yes, thank you for the reminder !

1. I can understand why this is upsetting. It sounds like they don’t value the time of their employees.

2. I can understand since you explained HU2s nature. I am imagining somewhat stern and fatherly why the tone might sound different from other people who might genuinely hope to see you there. It would sound to me like someone wagging their finger sternly. “I want you to go to this.” It would have been more polite if he asked you “Would you be able to attend the event?” or “Would you like to attend?”.

3. It is understandable why you weren’t there. Was your supervisor present at the meeting? Did you give notice to the meeting host that you wouldn’t be able to attend? My husband likes to message and let people know when he doesn’t attend meetings. The micromanaging seems a bit much. Personally, I don’t enjoy that management style.

4. I think this links in with the theme of this company. They expect a lot of you. They expect you to sacrifice and they don’t seem to respect your time. It doesn’t sound like they have been receptive in the past when you communicated difficulties with a high workload. You are somehow expected to manage everything perfectly all of the time. When the reality is that we are all human, we all get tired and occasionally make mistakes.

I wish you luck with your freelancing! Or in your current role. Whichever you decide, I am sure that you will be successful. You strike me as a professional that cares about their work.

Thank you ! I appreciate the validation and the vote of confidence <3 !

Thanks for your reply Helcat!

That is validating to hear.

I feel excited and relieved at the thought of leaving, mixed with doubt as to whether I would be doing the right thing. This position may (if I can stick it out for 5-10 years and manage to figure out how to succeed here) help me meet a work goal that I have been working towards for the last 4-5 years. The goal would have a lot of impact and help people in situations similar to me so I feel bad about abandoning this goal. I am interested in freelancing now, and starting my own set up rather than looking for full time work as historically I have struggled with it.

The triggers this week were:

1) one of the two higher ups (higher up 1/HU1) emailed half an hour before closing time and assigned a task, and said that it had to be done that night. I got so triggered I turned my phone off for the night, even though later after calming down I realized it hadnt even been assigned to me, I was just assuming I would have to do it.

2) there is a work event tomorrow in the evening. It is the fourth evening work event this week, 1 more was announced today. I have no active role in the event. I was interested and thinking about going, but the other higher up (higher up 2/HU2) emailed and said “I hope you are going to this” and this made me lose interest in the event and not want to go.

3) Last week, we had federal leaves due to Eid holidays. Half of our team is based elsewhere and were working. I didnt attend a regular meeting (again this is not a meeting where a lot of work gets done, I usually just sit and listen to others updates) because it was my federal holiday and my supervisor emailed  HU2 saying i wasnt present. I had to justify to both my supervisor and HU2 why I couldnt be there in two different meetings and over email.

4) This week, I was in a group meeting and felt pressured to take on work that I knew would be difficult to complete on time. I could have said no, but froze in the moment and felt triggered afterwards.

HU1- Has yelled at me once, but is usually nice to me. I see her yelling at her juniors however, which makes me not trust her. Once, in a meeting, I heard her say in a sarcastic/complaining tone about her secretary who has been with the organization for 20 years ” Now he cant do the work because he’s gone and had a heart attack” (dont know if she reminds me of anyone other than a teacher I had for a bit)

HU2- says he is a good listener and genuinely tries, but is still pretty autocratic and dictates rather than has conversations. Dismisses ideas or work he doesnt agree with as invaluable, which is a lot of my work since we have different approaches to the problems in our field. Is disorganized (will ask you to set aside older priorities and focus on new things, and then you complete the new things says “yes but what about the old thing”, will forget that he assigned you stuff, keeps looping into things that arent my responsibility. reminds me of both my father (nothing is good enough) and my uncle (v intelligent and insensitive but tyring in clumsy ways, imposes their world view on others)

I know this is a lot but was a relief to put it down lol. Thank you to whoever takes the time to read it <3.

• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by greenshade.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for your effort in reading through the past messages. It helps to have this information here for perspective and the analysis resonates, and yes this website and especially your responses did play a large part in helping me get the momentum to move out so for that I am very grateful.

“Your last sentence in your most recent post is: “I usually prefer working in smaller less formal set ups with people with similar value sets, but I am feeling internal pressure to change that about myself” – it makes sense that a more relaxed workplace is a better fit for you (and for anyone who suffers from excessive anxiety). If you want to change that about yourself, that is, to endure a higher stress level in regard to employment because of significant professional/ financial benefits in doing so, you will need to create a separation from your childhood experience with your father, so that this past experience does not encroach on your present experience. Did you ever discuss this topic in therapy?”

With my therapist we do discuss when I am projecting my father onto other situations, and people and it is good insight. However, in the practical scheme of things, it hasn’t helped because even if I know I am projecting it still becomes impossible for me to see the situation or person in a positive light or want to engage with them again. I’m not sure I want to change that about myself, its more like a part of me feels like I will need to change this about myself in order to survive, the other part feels like maybe this is who I am, its my personality, even if I didnt have trauma I may not have liked working in very heirarchal large organizations so why am I compelling myself to fit into a box I dont fit into? I bounce between these two states a lot.

I also struggle with – yes, I know I project and get triggered, and that is more about me than the situation I am in, but the painful feelings that come up feel pretty real, and it feels unfair to myself to stay in these situations that feel bad because I might be projecting. How does one decide where the line is for themselves after which they will not put up with triggering behavior, whether the behavior itself is problematic or not?

Best,

M

• This reply was modified 2 years, 5 months ago by greenshade.