Hi Inky,

Thanks for your reply. For reasons of fear of safety, cultural appropriateness and differences in my own values, life goals and preferred family structure with local values I don’t date locally. There are a few people I have tried with who shared my values but they all had temper or addiction issues or their ego turned me off. I am in this country for at least the next two years. My reason for interest in maintaining this relationship is that it “fills my cup” in a way that I haven’t really experienced before and now that I know what it feels like I don’t want to go back to having no one in my life who is a source of comfort happiness and joy. Two years feels like a long time to be without those things. I have friends but having a partner feels different.

My own concern is around the fact that I feel unable to detect red flags and protect myself in this or relationships in the future. In this case, I either did not detect red flags early enough and things have the potential to be abusive or I am inaccurately painting this guy in the same light as my dad and not knowing what the reality is feels distressing to me. Even if I end this relationship, I would want to end it on a positive note (if that is the reality) and not on the note of feeling taking advantage of and manipulated (unless that is the reality).

Best,

m

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by greenshade.

Hi both,

Thank you for your kind replies!

Gj, It might be a mix of both shame and regret. I agree that I feel like I am stepping outside the roll prescribed for me when I express my needs- who am I to speak up? is what my brain says. I wish I could accept a more assertive me. Thanks thou, for validating that my needs are important.

Inky, I can read your words and realize that in an ideal world that is how I would like to feel. It is difficult for me to internalize them however, or think or feel that way. The thing is, I know I’m on to a good thing with both my job and my relationship so I do not want to lose them and want to thrive in both, but my fear of rocking the boat, and having others notice me or my needs, or not be receptive to what I have to say makes me stay silent and then second guess and doubt my own concerns until I feel like I’m imagining things, (I basically gas light myself) , and then I cant raise issues with any conviction or confidence. I don’t really know how to stop doing this, or getting to the place of feeling like I believe the things you have said. Thank you for saying them anyway <3.

M

Hi Anita!

I think the mutual respect is there. I just end up confused afterwards about whether I can trust these people to be around or not. I would like them to be, but I don’t know. Also, I don’t want to pursue the situation if I’m transferring stuff.

Inky that does make sense!! And I am glad to read this explanation because I had been worried I was giving of “please walk over me” vibes so to hear that it might be the opposite is a relief.

Hi Anita! Because my father was not open to feedback or change, I grew up really admiring people who COULD change. I think that is what drew me to the coworker who is working on her mocking and sarcastic behavior. So I have been considering history, but in a “this person was abusive in the past, let me be friends with them” way rather than “this person was abusive let me wait before I trust them” way. So now I have to work on considering history in the later way.

Best,
M