Abandoned again and again

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This topic has 10 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 6 years, 9 months ago by KD.

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February 20, 2018 at 7:06 am #193517

greenshade
Participant

Hey all,

I’ve been struggling with something lately. I’m trying to open up and be present in my relationships with friends and therapist. However, routine cancellation of plans and sessions is starting to take its toll on me. I am really beginning to believe that I made a mistake in opening up. I see these people as inconsistent and not worth relying on, like most other people. For example, my friend will make a plan, then cancel, then make aa plan again when it suits her. My therapist also routinely cancels a few hours before the session. Both of them have things going on in their lives (my friend is dealing with something) and my therapist has been struggling with various illnesses. However, that is true for all human beings at some point, therefore it is ridiculous to need /expect anyone to be present in your life. Thoughts like this one are causing some distress to me, so help would be appreciated.

Thanks!

M

February 20, 2018 at 7:39 am #193523

Anonymous
Guest

Dear greenshade:

It is very frustrating to deal with unreliable people, people who do not keep their word and who cancel plans again and again. Some people do keep their word and do their best to materialize the plans they make. Hope you get to deal with the second group of people and avoid the first.

anita

February 20, 2018 at 9:27 am #193541

Mark
Participant

greenshade,

Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.

I shy away from people who are unreliable because my time is valuable (part of that self-love thing).

I also am obligated to clearly communicate with those I make plans with.

I emphasize that I expect them to meet their commitment in meeting with me with the set time and designated place and if they cannot then they need to let me know at least 24 hrs in advance. Professionals require that else they charge you for a missed appointment. I deserve the same respect.

If they cancel then I let them know of my disappointment and the inconvenience to me since I reserved that time to meet to the detriment of other things that I could have done or other people I could have met.

Everyone has excuses (going through a rough time or illness or whatever). If they really don’t expect to make it then tell them you won’t be making any plans with them until they get their lives in order.

Mark

February 21, 2018 at 5:38 am #193691

pink24
Participant

Hi Greenshade,

It’s so hard to be vulnerable. And it hurts when people you choose to be vulnerable with don’t respect you. (I too feel that when someone doesn’t respect my time, they don’t respect me).

It seems however you are realizing who is really there for you and who is not. That’s a good thing! Perhaps that’s the one nice part about opening up–we get to weed out certain people from our lives, because it hurts too much to keep them in.

Good for you.

Pink

February 27, 2018 at 1:58 am #194941

greenshade
Participant

Hi guys,

Thanks for replying. I thought I would post an update since I have not replied to this thread. I have been acutely suicidal for the past couple of weeks and cant afford to dismantle my support systems right now at least until I am out of this funk. Especially since I don’t feel the trust or motivation to build new support systems. I communicated my distress to my therapist, she has increased my number of sessions and the structure helps. I have withdrawn from the friend however.

It seems to me that even otherwise reliable people may not be reliable if the timing is wrong (series of unfortunate incidents, for example my therapist was hospitalized, my friend is dealing with her own depression). What do you guys think about this?

Best,

m

February 27, 2018 at 6:42 am #194955

Mark
Participant

greenshade,

Thanks for updating us.

Good that you have reached out to your therapist. You may want to find out if there is a backup for your therapist if she cannot help for whatever reason.

There is the suicide hotline as a resource if no one else is available.

You may benefit by getting out of yourself by helping your friend in her depression.

Mark

February 27, 2018 at 7:57 am #194981

pink24
Participant

Hi Greenshade,

TinyBuddha can be your support system, if you choose. Sometimes only a few helpful, encouraging words can set us on the right path for the day.

Take care,

Pink

February 27, 2018 at 8:28 am #194991

Anonymous
Guest

Dear greenshade:

I am sorry to read you’ve been feeling badly lately. I do hope you feel better soon. Share more about your latest depression of the last two weeks, if you’d like.

Regarding: “It seems to me that even otherwise reliable people may not be reliable if the timing is wrong… for example my therapist was hospitalized”- I think that it was the professional and responsible thing for her to call you or email you and let you know that she cannot see you, and for how long she cannot see you.

If she had a stroke and unable to communicate, then of course, she is not responsible for not communicating the above to you. If she got killed and is dead, same. But if she is able to communicate and hasn’t, then it is wrong of her not to.

anita

February 27, 2018 at 10:02 am #195017

Peter
Participant

Hi greenshade

I was recently listing to some of Alan Watts talks. In one of them he was talking about the how when we we state our intuitions the ‘Adversary’ will create the opportunities to practice. Life it seems likes to a ‘good’ joke and play the trickster.

It is ironic that as you are attempting to deal with your depression and abandonment issues your therapist and support system can’t show up for you. Not funny however what you learn from these experiences and how you handle them (creating healthy boundaries) will be a big part of how you move forward and grow.

In his book ‘How to be an Adult’ David Richo wrote about the issue of being present to another in relationship. We tend to like the Hollywood story where two people can be 100% present to one other 24/7. The reality is that the best we can give and should expect (from the person we are relationship in) is 20%. That might not sound like much but works out to about 4 – 5 hours a day. That’s allot of attention. I suspect what we can give and expect from friends is less.

Anyway, good for you in addressing the issue and working on creating respectful boundaries/expectations in your relationships.

February 27, 2018 at 10:05 am #195019

Mark
Participant

Peter, Thanks for reminding me about Richo’s book. I like his books. Good statistic about the 20% of showing up for another person. I enjoy all your well read wisdom here.

Mark

February 27, 2018 at 10:45 am #195031

KD
Participant

I had a great friend once who was repeatedly flaky with time commitments and plans. I leaned on her for all kinds of support, but to have her in my life, I had to accept that she was unreliable. By accepting her fully both the good and not-so-good, I was able to get what I needed without judgment of her. For some reason, I felt a lot better and was able to let go of the negative rhetoric about why I might have caused it.
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