felt threatened at party?

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    Hi all!

    Hope you’re well. I had a bit of a strange experience around two weeks ago, but since it is still impacting my behavior I thought I would ask if anyone could share some insight. I have moved to a new country recently, and I have been trying to put myself “out there” and make friends. So I went to a party, it was a pretty typical college party, but I just felt very threatened and out of place. Prior to that, I had been spent the day with some of the people at the party at various drinking-food related activities, but it just kept building up and got really bad at the party. I was wondering if it might be the alcohol, but I do occasionally drink with friends, and that has not led to similar feelings before (but it is usually with people I know well). Since then I have not felt comfortable talking to any of the people at this party, which is sad, because I had hung out with some of them in a different setting before, and had enjoyed their company.

    There was also a guy at the party who was flirting with me, I did meet up with him once because I wanted to “give people a chance” and he seemed like a fun, warm person, but for some reason he also really set of my alarm bells, and I don’t think I can pinpoint to a specific thing that he did, just that I felt strange and dissonant communicating with him because he uses a lot more slang than I do, is more up to date with pop culture, and is more energetic/extroverted than I am I guess, which are not really things that should be threatening or cause dissonance.

    Do you guys have any theories as to why I might have felt this way?

    Thanks <3,






    Hi M,

    Though I cannot offer much advice to you, I just want to suggest that you stay away from the man you mentioned. If he set off alarm bells in your system, your system cannot be lying to you. There doesn’t have to be an explanation, as hard as that is- I hope that you feel better now and safer than you did with him.

    As for the party, it’s possible that there are some beliefs you still hold about yourself and your new friends… Try exploring what’s different from the people you hung out with and your old friends. I hope this helps.

    Much love,



    Hi A,

    Thanks for your reply!

    I guess I don’t want to stay away from someone who may be decent if my system is malfunctioning, which it somestimes does, and creates monsters where there may be none. But I guess you are right, my safety is more important than giving people a chance, and there have been other people who have NOT set off my alarm bells.

    Some of the things I can think of that were different was I guess the type of dancing (I love dancing, and its part of how I bond with some of my friends because we know the same music and the same moves, but these people had different moves and I felt I couldn’t establish that back and forth), and the other might be that I didn’t have a safe person to go and relax by when the party became overwhelming, which I have had at parties in the past, because I usually go with a close friend. Those don’t seem like major things, but their the ones I can think of!

    With warmth,



    Dear m:

    Welcome back!

    I think you felt threatened because it is a new country, new people, new dancing… unfamiliar. It takes gradual exposure to new circumstances so to adjust well. Your exposure was too big, too quickly, so you got overwhelmed. What do you think?


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