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AuthorPosts
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greenshadeParticipantHi Jesse,
welcome to the forums!
Would you like to share a little bit about when you started trying to force indifference? How old were you, what were the circumstances?
Best,
M
greenshadeParticipantDear Zee,
You are welcome :).
1) It sounds like you have negative thoughts, then try to stop away from those thoughts and move towards more positive thoughts. Maybe you could try paying attention to and identifying the feelings behind the negative thoughts. For example, what does not being good enough feel like? Maybe you could try sitting with that feeling for a while until it naturally passes?
2) “this is the 2nd time in 2 yrs I am in the exact same position – out of work, interviewing like crazy -> all turn me down -> unemployment ran out -> behind on rent -> account zeroed out, no help or support from family.”
I am sorry you are in this difficult position.
I would suggest examining why you are in this position for the second time in two years. Not in a self critical way, but to identify possible areas for action. Were there themes that were common in both situations? Not just in terms of behavior and habits, but also in terms of qualification, job market in your locality, etc.
I hope you find a way forward that works!
Best,
M
greenshadeParticipantHi Zee!
Could you explain a little bit more about what type of positive change you are looking for? Maybe you need to take some more direct steps towards the change you are looking for, that is actively identifying venues where things you are looking for can be found and then going to them.
Best,
m
greenshadeParticipanthmm…so I understand it intellectually but I don’t really feel it. How can I get to a deeper level of awareness? Or how would you approach getting to a deeper level of awareness with this topic?
Thanks anita!
Best,
M
greenshadeParticipantHi -Extra-ordinaryChica!
Hope you’re well!
Just wanted to share a specific thing that has worked for me when my throat is tight: doing vocalization exercises and making tarzan like sounds! It sounds a little weird, but has been quite helpful for me!
Good luck in the process of your recovery!
M
greenshadeParticipantHi Anita and Free Moon! Thanks for your replies.
” In other words, watch for the responses of an individual..” I do struggle with this, because I interpret a lot of signals as negative that are neutral.
“ask if you think you may get an honest answer, ask in a way that is likely to get an honest answer ask if you think you may get an honest answer, ask in a way that is likely to get an honest answer” I do think an honest answer is likely in this case, so I will try asking.
“How did you come on too strong in the past? Was it a personal realization or was someone honest with you about it?”
It was a bit of both. People I thought were my friends were just tolerating me, and let me know at first subtly and then so clearly it couldn’t be missed (being mean, making plans not inviting me and making sure I knew)
“It’s just like slowly stepping into water; you want to adjust yourself with the water’s temperature until you’re comfortable swimming in it.”
That’s such a beautiful analogy Free Moon!
I don’t know. Social interactions can be so confusing and overwhelming. I guess the thing to do is keep at it and be mindful.
Lov,
m
greenshadeParticipantHi Rachel,
Depression, and anxiety are just words to describe moods or body states. These moods/body states can color our thoughts, and beliefs. If the words “depression” and “anxiety” don’t feel true to you, then you don’t have to use them. You can just work with your actual feelings and the subsequent thoughts. The feeling of hopelessness and the feeling of not being understood are feelings that can cause thoughts like “there is something worse that is wrong with me that others don’t quite get” , the feeling of exhaustion can contribute to wanting to disappear, to lack of motivation (for me that is, it may be different feelings for you).
My suggestion would be to try and stick to feelings rather than thoughts. If a thought comes to you that “there is something wrong with me” try and see if how your body feels at that moment..what is the feeling in your chest, in your stomach, in your shoulders? Could it be that the feeling in your body is contributing to the thought? If you feel like your thinking a thought again and again, gently bring yourself back to how your body feels. This is a difficult thing to do when thoughts are clamoring for attention, so even baby steps are good.
Is this something you feel you could try?
M
greenshadeParticipantHi Cruzzie,
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Being emotionally attached with someone who has caused hurt is such a difficult and painful thing to go through. Thoughts like this person was the one, or they were perfect for us can also hurt us because they make us hold on to hope (if they were the one, they must come back) and stop us from moving forwards with our life. If this person has made the decision to no longer be part of your life, then she is not the one.
I have also gone through the phase of interpreting sings of the person I am emotionally attached to (still sort of going through it) and for me I think it was searching for something to attach hope to ( I saw her name on a shop sign, that must mean something) because the alternative is painful.
What has helped me in this process is admitting that she met certain needs of mine, for connection and for closeness, admitting that I had those needs, and actively trying to meet those needs (to an extent) by increasing the time I spent with friends, increasing the depth of conversations I had with other people, expressing my needs more to friends/family.
I’m sorry I don’t have more definitive/more hopeful input. It sucks, but hang in there, be mindful of your thoughts and of your needs and try to meet them actively.
Best,
M
greenshadeParticipantHi Anita,
I was struggling to come up with the two scenarios because I couldn’t make myself sit down and think about it calmly. The next morning my boss himself withdrew me from the trip. I was really glad because this confrontation felt really beyond me. I am going to need to prepare for the conversation regarding my resignation now. Maybe I can do something similar for that. More than the his immediate response also my concern is more that he will be okay with it at the time, then get angry at me later for unrelated things. I’m not sure how to prepare for something like that.
Thanks for your help!
Best,
m
greenshadeParticipantThanks for replying Anita! I’m a little panicky and overwhelmed by the thought of having this conversation with him because I have no idea how he will react, he may be accommodating or may get angry and become more fixed in his plans (he has reacted both ways in the past to similar situations) so I am scared I am going to panic and not be able to keep my head during the conversation. Lets see how it goes.
Best,
m
greenshadeParticipantHi Tidea!
Congratulations on the strides you have made so far in gaining confidence in talking to people in IRL. The beginning of a romantic/intimate relationship, or meeting someone you are romantically interested in for the first time is an emotionally charged situation, and can very easily becoming overwhelming, and cause a fall back into old habits/ways of interacting with the world. What I have found has helped me in similar situations is paying attention to my breathing, intentionally slowing it down, paying attention to the color of the table, or ground or things around me . This helps calm me a little, so I can at least attempt at carrying out a conversation. If you have a meditation habit, or if you practice how to control your breathing in non stressful situations, it will become easier for you to utilize these tools in stressful situations.
Maybe you can also consider bringing this up with your new friend. Let him know that you like him, and were interested in talking with him but your anxiety in the situation got the better of you. Its your truth, so sharing it with someone you are interested in is a good way of gauging whether they are a good partner for you.
Best,
m
greenshadeParticipantHi Anita!
Doing the opposite is sort of how I’ve been dealing with my avoidant behaviors in the past and like you say, it has been helpful, mostly in terms of being able to maintain relationships. Continuing to do that. My underlying feelings of lack of trust haven’t changed so far, but I guess it will take time. In the mean time, I’ve started a new hobby to distract myself from focusing on this too much.
Best,
M
greenshadeParticipantHey Anita and Pinch of Attitude! Thanks for replying!
I think what I’m struggling with right now is that my will to maintain (or put effort in) in those or other interactions is gone. I’m back at the place where I feel like I don’t need to be engaged with other people. From my own past experiences, I know that this is an erroneous belief, and I know acting on it will cause more harm than good in the long run. However, my “feeling” of not wanting to connect is stronger than my knowledge that I should connect. So I’m sort of caught in this dichotomy and don’t quite know how to resolve it.
Best,
m
greenshadeParticipantHey Jay-me
What do you do when you become fearful? That is, do you think about again and again? Maybe try dissociating the thoughts from the fear if you haven’t tried that already? Let the fear come up, allow your self to feel it fully, let it pass. Try to concentrate on how it feels in your body rather than the thoughts associated with it.
Best,
m
greenshadeParticipantHey Cara and Anita, thanks for your replies!
Cara, I really believed that about my first career change! But I’ve come to think maybe the problem is something else. I asked myself what my dream career looked like and imagined it, then I asked myself if I would be satisfied if I had those things, and the answer was no, I would still be bored and restless. I think I’ve been looking at my career as a way of resolving inner conflicts, like I’ll finally be happy when I find the perfect fit but I don’t think that will happen until I deal with my inner state.
Anita, there are things that I can learn at this job. I’ve been preventing myself from settling into it and trying to learn those things. I think maybe SMART goals will help me here.
Thanks, you guys!
M -
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