I was always a silent shy kid. In my preetens i didnt see an issue in it, because i had friends that accepted me for who i was.

So when the dark teens crawled in, anxiety came in too. And the main problem was that i didnt see a purpose in talking.  Talking to much, always saying your opinion made me feel really uncomfortable and insecure. Because i did overthink and analyse everything. I tried to see things from others perspective, to have this objective point of view of the world and all the things happening. And I think this kind of thinking made me very passive, introverted.  With time i lost all my friends. And there was one special person.Most of the time we texted and skyped. So we became really close. But in real life i was always to shy to talk, to express my thoughts and thats how i lost a friend, who i thought was the closest to me. Once he tried to talk to me, to start a conversation , and i just couldnt say a word. He became mad and said :”wow, you are so different in real life…” . I felt how much dissapointed and bored he is, and how stupid and boring i seem. I knew that i am not empty, i have what to say, but anxiety didnt let me…

Time went by, i became more grown, more confident. I didnt become a big talker, but i came out the shell . I fought my fears every day, so i could meet new people, communicate, make friends. One thing that i refused to do was to start any kind of relationships online. Because i had a fear that if i will become attached to a person in a virtual relationship it will go as it went with that person in my past. And because that situation really hurt me i tried to avoid those kind of people, who really liked to talk in social media, but not in real life.

But recently the same pattern happened to me with another guy, to whom  i was really attracted. We texted each other for few months. He was the one who started writing me. My mistake was that , dispite of having a bad feeling about starting a conversation in this way, i didnt stop it. My intuition or anxiety, i dont know, was telling me “It can end like with that guy. Stop it. ” When we first met after 3 months of writing it happened just like it was. I couldnt talk. The anxiety was so overwhelming that i just remained silent all the freaking time. I thought that i already won the game, that ive changed. But what i fear always gets to me.

And now i think, maybe nothing really changed at all. Maybe the anxiety didnt go away.

Did you experience something like that? How do you fight this problem?

ps. i wrote a post before. actually these thoughts are on influence of my previous post. Im still mind f[cked. Trying to understand my behaviour and all the things that could go wrong that time too…