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Confused. I don't know what to do…

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  • October 28, 2017 at 6:20 pm #175377
    Ben
    Participant

    I’ve been in a long distance relationship for the past year and a half with my partner (we’ll call him Dave). We live 3 hours away from each other and so only saw each other at weekends and when we had time off work.

    Things were going great, we hardly argued, we were comfortable with each other, we got along with each others families. But after about 14 months I just wasn’t feeling a spark anymore, very little excitement and I was losing motivation for the relationship, this lack of excitement and motivation decreased even more over the past 6 months and the fact it was long distance didn’t help. I wasn’t willing to move down to be with him as I have too many family and friends that keep me rooted to where I am, so he said that he would move up here with me as he doesn’t really have anyone where he lives anyway.

    hHowever as time grew on, I saw that he wasn’t making much effort to look for jobs up here, and even when he landed a field based role job he still didn’t seem motivated to move up to be with me, I was losing confidence in the relationship because of this.

    After stewing over my feelings for the past couple months, and gaining a lot of advice and support from family and friends I finally told him today that I was no longer happy being in the relationship, and put it down mainly due to the distance, but also because of his anger issues which had really turned me off (he gets stressed and angry over things not worth stressing about). I also said that it’s a lot fairer and healthier for us both in the long run.

    The breakup was tough and upsetting, and after I felt a lot of doubt wondering if I had done the right thing. And I found this forum and reading other people’s experiences on breaking up with someone who they still loved and how it’s not uncommon and started feeling better about myself.

    However he then rang me, really upset, in tears,  and my heart really felt for him. And he was then saying he wants to move in with me if it would make things right but now I really don’t know. I told him I need time to think about it but now I’m really confused. Before I was really upset, and thought I had made the right decision and ready to grieve over the relationship and now he’s saying he finally wants to move in with me but now I fear it’s too late and that the feelings gone.

    Sorry for the essay, any advice?

    October 28, 2017 at 11:47 pm #175387
    Saniya
    Participant

    Time to introspect… Wat u want…. If only his not moving in was the issue….. Or there were other things……. Only distance issue doesn’t  end the relationship…..

    And if u hv really moved on…. If u feel breaking up was rite thing then it is definitely….

    Give it a thought.

    Gud luck

    October 28, 2017 at 11:51 pm #175389
    greenshade
    Participant

    Hi Ben!

    Welcome to the forum.

    I think the time to take a steep forward in a relationship, especially a big step like moving in, is when things are going well, and you’re happy with where you are and where the relationship is going. I think when there is doubt and uncertainty, its time to scale back, reevaluate and see if you’re compatible before moving forward together.

    Two possible questions to explore in your situation are what caused you to feel like you were losing the spark ( whether it fizzled out naturally or did something lead to you losing interest, if so, what was it, is it likely to happen again), and whether your partner is working on his anger issues and what he’s doing to work on them. If you wish to continue with the relationship I would suggest exploring these areas, and then moving forward not by moving in together directly, but starting to see each other again slowly and evaluating if there’s something there that’s worth investing time and effort in.

    Best of luck!

    M

    October 29, 2017 at 5:15 am #175397
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Ben:

    Your confusion following breaking up with him started, reads to me,  when he “rang (you), really upset, in tears,  and (your) heart really felt for him”. If so, it is empathy that you felt for him and likely guilt, feeling responsible for his distress.

    Empathy is not enough of a motivation, by itself, to restart the relationship. After all, you feel empathy for other people but will not be in an intimate relationship with them, correct?

    And guilt, it is a strong motivator, but is often unjustified, that is, people don’t do wrong and feel they did do wrong. So, challenge that guilt, if you feel it. Is it justified? Did you do wrong?

    anita

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