Hi @Helcat,

Thanks for your response! Yes there are people who trigger me more (specifically there are two people, both quite high up in the organization who throw their weight around. I don’t know if I can separate them. I have been trying. But then something else happens and I get triggered again and its back to square one, there have been three triggers within this last week and it seems like my treshold is getting lower rather than higher, by that i mean Im getting triggered more rather than less. I dont know how much I should put up with, how much is normal. I am afraid that since most work places have people like this in authority positions, I am making things difficult for myself by deciding to leave jobs because I feel triggered at them and that I will pretty much end up unemployed and looking for handouts 20 yrs down the line unless I suck it up now. But my brain seems to be in a continous grey angry fog. Dont know.

Best,

M

Heyy @Helcat thanks for your response! Yes I do think that is part of it. I have studied at this place before as well and have so many biases against it from that time as well, in fact its when I was studying there that I first developed my anxiety symtoms that Anita has also described in her reply. But since I have experienced burn out before I am also more anxious around enforcing my boundaries for time off, and it feels like a violation when someone tries to encroach on holidays. I also interpret it as them playing a control game (I’m the boss and I need to know you’re available whenever I ask).

In general, however I feel if someone is more respectful of my boundaries generally, I also have less of a reaction if they reach out over holidays (I feel in those cases that I know they wouldn’t  disrupt my time off unless it was an emergency) and the intent and energy of that interaction feels different.

I guess it is a conflict of – I feel like the hierarchical work environment is not a good fit for me, but I am also tempted by what is achievable in these environments and the amount of impact you can have + the benefits of being paid on time are pretty great (Ive worked in more lose environments where sometimes I wasn’t paid for months) so a part of me is trying to see if I can CBT myself enough to fitting into this environment.

M

Dear all, thank you for your replies.

It has been some week :).

@anita it is very scary to think of it, especially the deaths of the people closest to me – that they will one day just not exist – their voice, smell, everything will disappear – it really makes me feel like everything is worthless.

“No one beats mortality because of loving someone, or because of any reason.” This is very true. I think sometimes feelings of love feel so strong I don’t understand how they can’t top every other natural law lol.

That is very interesting. In the last 4 years, I found a permanent work situation (lets all it x) that felt safe and aligned with my work style although I did feel a little codependent with my coworkers. Overall, I was excited and happy and feeling good about life and the critical voice in my head had also softened (through meditation and modeling by others). After 2yrs I left to do my masters in a different country. I came back to x and things were different (the working environment had changed, pays were not frequent, my input wasn’t as welcome). I left x mostly because I wanted financial stability to move out of my parents, and am now working two jobs, one of which feels perfectionistic, rigid and critical and the critical voices in my head and guilty feeling are back and I feel frozen and unable to work. So this is where I am at.

Hi Inky and Anita,

I am sorry for disappearing. I just wanted to let to know you that I read/appreciated your replies. It just felt like the issues were too big for me to manage at the time (and still feel so) so I blocked them out. Hope you’re both well!

Best,

M

Hi Peggy and Anita,

Thanks for your replies!

Peggy, I do find the shallow breathing advice helpful! I will try to apply it. I am anemic, and need to deal with that (when I have the energy for it ironically.)

Anita, those are not possible for me right now. Moving out is something that I am working towards, but the lack of energy is getting in the way (Dont have energy -> cant work -> no salary -> cant move out).  I am trying my best to continue showing up at work but it is hard right now. And I dont have enough money to cover rent at the moment.

About the therapist, I have been looking online and asking friends and contacting everyone I can find. However, the one with the earliest availibility cant see me till october. Because I am feeling unable to do all these things I know I need to be doing I am feeling worse and hopeless and like I cant pull through till october.

Best,

m

Hi Anita,

Thanks for sharing your experience with me.Yes, that did happen when I was a child. I saw my mother was unable to deal with the world around her or my father and tried to step in and be the adult and I still feel that way about my mum (she is unable to care for herself). Yet she did in the ten months I was away. I can see my dads behavior clearly as abuse, but it is hard for me to see my mums behavior that way. I think we are very enmeshed. It has always been hard for me to imagine a life in my city not with my parents or moving abroad permanently but I have been thinking about it and trying to imagine it in the last few days.

best.

m

I just realized I may have been unclear about this. In six months I will financially be able to move out to a different appartment in my city. With this I am scared of sexual assault as women living alone are seen as easy and  acceptable targets in my society. In two years, I will be able to work outside the country as my scholarship requirements will be met then. However, my Impact in my own society will be greater than I can make elsewhere (because my health related field is just taking off here but is already well established wlsewhere)

Hi Anita,

Thanks for replying.

I think you are right. I did not want to come

back, but had to due to financial and visa related reasons. Before coming back, I had been considering if I can move back out in six months after I start working again (my trip abroad was a study trip and depleted all my savings). Since I have come back however, that seems harder. I have fallen into the old role of my life revolving around my mum and my primary focus (which had shifted to building a healthy happy life for myself  ) has shifted back to taking care of my parents and wanting to see my mom happy. My doubts about my relationship grew exponentially after coming back home. My mum feels like my life and I don’t wish to abandon her (is what I am feeling) and that makes it harder for me to have motivation to move out again as I had previously planned (and in truth I also want to avoid a scene. I don’t think I can move out without hurting my mum or making her angry). There is calm at home rn and that also makes it seem unreasonable to me that I want to move out (it is almost unheard of in my culture). After two years (when my work abroad restrictions end) I was thinking of going back to my life with my boyfriend but right now that feels far off and not real. I don’t know. I am definitely feeling like I have moved backwards since coming home.