September 14, 2019 at 1:00 pm #312279
Recently I’ve been feeling a lot of rage. I’ve been paying attention to triggers and it is usually things people say/don’t say or certain actions. For example, a close friend of mine is on her phone for most of the time we spend together and I feel rage in response to that. Talking about things usually requires a lot of emotional energy for me, and as I don’t have that energy these days Im not addressing any of these relationship problems, just isolating in response to this rage. I am also isolating because I don’t have the energy to engage with people in social settings where I usually feel on the outside and have to work to stay part of the conversation. I would appreciate tips on managing both the rage and the low energy.
Also, I have been actively trying to find a therapist for three months now but no luck :(. Feeling frustrated and like everything is going against me right now.
Thanks for reading!
MSeptember 15, 2019 at 3:23 am #312337
Your friend is being very rude when she is with you. Send her a text and tell her that it is not worth you spending any time with her as she is not free to engage with you due to her constant use of the phone. If she values you, she will apologize – if not, then she is not a true friend and you do not need her in your life.
Perhaps you do need to learn to manage your anger as, at the moment, it seems to be directed inwards and will cause you problems if you do not learn to release it in a safe way. Find a group or therapist who deals with anger management.
There could be many reasons why you have low energy one of them being under-active thyroid. Perhaps you need to check this out with a medical advisor. Poor diet, lack of sleep, not enough exercise are three other possible causes. I’m assuming you are female in which case perhaps you are lacking iron.
Generally speaking, when you begin to feel angry, pay attention to your breathing as you may be switching to shallow breathing which means you may just be using the top part of your lungs instead of taking the air in to the base of your lungs.
I hope some of the above is helpful to you.
PeggySeptember 15, 2019 at 9:54 am #312403
“I would appreciate tips on managing both the rage and the low energy”- heavily based on our previous communication, June this year being the most recent, my three tips are the following:
Move out of your parents’ home and live independently and away from them, minimizing your contact with your mother, and begin psychotherapy aimed at mentally separating yourself from your mother.
(When you worry how she will manage without you, remember that she already managed without you during the ten months you were away).
anitaSeptember 17, 2019 at 8:55 am #312761
Hi Peggy and Anita,
Thanks for your replies!
Peggy, I do find the shallow breathing advice helpful! I will try to apply it. I am anemic, and need to deal with that (when I have the energy for it ironically.)
Anita, those are not possible for me right now. Moving out is something that I am working towards, but the lack of energy is getting in the way (Dont have energy -> cant work -> no salary -> cant move out). I am trying my best to continue showing up at work but it is hard right now. And I dont have enough money to cover rent at the moment.
About the therapist, I have been looking online and asking friends and contacting everyone I can find. However, the one with the earliest availibility cant see me till october. Because I am feeling unable to do all these things I know I need to be doing I am feeling worse and hopeless and like I cant pull through till october.
mSeptember 17, 2019 at 9:39 am #312767
Hi back again lol. Anita I also wanted to update you on living with mum situation. I have been letting her know more and more how her behavior impacts me. She has started doing these small very self conscious physical affection gestures. She communicates her needs instead of giving me the silent treatment for days. If she is angry or upset and not communicating her needs, she still doesn’t stop communication but does get to her needs eventually. Our dynamic has improved a lot. She sometimes still says minimizing things, but I am able to stand up for myself with her. I do still need my own place because that is still better for me and seeing my dad everyday is still very triggering for me. But just an update.
I noticed when I was living abroad that I would stop myself from going out. I would just stay frozen in my room. And I am wondering if that is what is happening now. Since my mom the critic has become quieter, my inner critic has filled the vacuum with aplomb.September 17, 2019 at 10:12 am #312771
Regarding your mother- nice, that she is making some “physical affection gestures”, that she “communicates her needs” instead of giving you “the silent treatment for days” and that you are able to standup for yourself when she “sometimes still says minimizing things”- but so what?
I mean, is this all of what your life is about, as a 30 year old woman, fixing your relationship with your mother? What if your life can be more than that?
This is what you wrote about your mother June this year regarding coming back home after 10 months away: “Since I have come back.. I have fallen into the old role if my life revolving around my mum.. my primary focus.. has shifted back to taking care of my parents and wanting to see my mom happy”-
What if your primary focus in your life becomes you?
And when will it be time to see yourself happy?
When is it your turn?
Back in June you wrote: “My mum feels like my life”- how sad that your life is not primarily yours or about you.
W h e n I s Y o u r L I f e going to be Y o u r O w n ?
anitaSeptember 17, 2019 at 2:15 pm #312817
Instead of feeling rage, have fun with whatever’s bothering you.
Your friend is always on the phone?
The next time you are out, be on your phone when she is on hers.
Then, go to the car/bathroom and text/call her from there while she’s at the table. Keep pinging her so she has to pay attention to you and not to other texts/calls.
Later, when you KNOW she is out on a date, or with family or other friends, keep texting her and calling her. That’s the only way to get her attention, right??
Rage is a symptom of not feeling in control. Take back the sensation of control.
InkyOctober 31, 2019 at 12:07 am #320665
Hi Inky and Anita,
I am sorry for disappearing. I just wanted to let to know you that I read/appreciated your replies. It just felt like the issues were too big for me to manage at the time (and still feel so) so I blocked them out. Hope you’re both well!
MOctober 31, 2019 at 7:55 am #320693
On this thread you wrote about your “lack of energy is getting in the way (don’t have energy-> can’t work-> no salary-> can’t move out)”
I almost randomly picked one of your many threads, Nov 2-4, 2016, three years ago, you wrote about your time with a therapist you were seeing at the time: “more than anything its the feeling of taking time out for myself and following thru with therapy that makes me feel better about myself, like I’m actually able to follow thru with something I’ve committed to. It also feels as something different and separate from my family, a safe space so to speak, and it is empowering to know I CAN feel safe in certain situations, and that I was the one that took steps so to find that safe place…I do think that being home saps me of a lot of my energy and strength”-
– see, you wrote it yourself: “being home saps me of a lot of my energy and strength”!
And, notice this: “being with your therapist was “a safe space”, which is “something different and separate from my family”. Living with your family feels unsafe, and living in an unsafe place does rob any person from energy and strength.
You felt good at the time to know that you “CAN feel safe in certain situations. Problem is your home is not such situation. The mistake your therapist at the time made was that “The advice he gives is usually geared towards the changing the dynamic at home”-
– bad advice. You can’t change an unsafe home to a safe home and you haven’t succeeded in doing so in thirty years. Your father is more mellow, your mother is less angry, but it is too little too late. Safety (and strength and energy) for you is elsewhere, not at home.
Another thing that made you feel good three years ago was this: “I’m actually able to follow thru with something I’ve committed to”-
-Follow through then, commit and follow through.