Javier, your post moved me. I read your scream for help, and the honest truth is that I dont have any magic solutions. For now I am just a stranger sitting with you in the hardship.  I know how isolating it must feel when you reach out to friends for help and even us strangers on forums- and the only reply you get back is “see a therapist”, as if that will solve all your problems.  Therapy can help us be more aware of our emotions, provide a non-biased perspective on the negative train of thoughts, and sometimes become a catalysator for change, but sometimes it can also feel that you are just paying someone to listen to your hardship and re-traumatized you.

Maybe that is what we all also want from a forum, not solutions but kindness- someone to finally see us and validate us in our struggles and our fight. Someone that says, hey Javier what you are goin through is really hard and I am sorry for your pain. If I was put on your path I would have struggled too. I have no clue when things will get better Javier, when it will get easier. But I am also thinking that maybe you living with your mom is also providing her company and support- that maybe she would have been terribly isolated-lonely during covid. Maybe the two of you give eachother a reason to fight every day.

Yes maybe your life would have looked differently if you had a child with your partner in your 20ies, but who says it would have been better. Maybe despite of your best ability, you would have been stuck in an unhappy marriage, job less and you wouldnt be able to provide for your family. There are so many turns and twists in life. And people are not always honest. For example, one of my friends (45y old) has called me weekly crying because she is in a bad marriage-where her partner is controlling everything-from not allowing her money to travel to see her parents, to her food intake where she is allowed food only 1x per day.  Yet all she posts on social media and tells her family is a picture of a happy marriage to a well earning husband. I am not sure where I am going with this or if it makes you feel better at all. Maybe I am just trying to tell you that everyting is not what it looks like-for those people that you see around you and compare yourself with. A child and marriage doesnt guarantee a happy life despite your best efforts.

You told me that you are a runner. Awesome, me too. Then as a fellow runner, I can tell you that if someone told me to run a marathon few years ago, I would have turned around and left the room. The thought of the distance, the pain, the exhaustion from training, the rainy cold mornings in wet shoes, the time investment…for god sake just a big NO. But one day I did it, one foot in front of the other. In the beggining it was just to walk a 5k, then figure out if I can maybe dare to run it. Then one day, much later I did a full marathon. It was hard, some parts of the distance  I had to tell my mind to just get myself to the next lamp post, only to the next and then I am allowed to quit…well I didnt quit. And maybe this is how life is, one foot in front of the other, just to the next lamp post…maybe you can do something small today – like sign up to be an uber driver or whatever, ask to work in a local shop, with no expectations that they will hire you, but just try this one step…

Sending you love

Dear B,

Your post brought tears to my eyes. I feel your pain in so many ways. As Anita said, dont waste more time and resources on him, dont blame yourself for things you did or did not do…the outcome would have been the same.  Cry when you cant hold in the grief, then let it go…and dont be friends with him!

I am a female that recently had a break up with an Indian man (living in the States since 10y back). My story is different from yours but similar too. I too was together with my X for 2-3years.  Its very hard to explain the adjustments you make for love (not only the once you do in every relationship but also the adjustment to cultural differences and to his belief of a womans roll in society/household etc). And when it is over, you cant help but feel betrayed and used…betrayed by him and maybe also by yourself for trying hoplessly …

My beginning was wonderful,  a lot of attention with >10 calls texts per day (almost overwhelming, now looking back). When I started seeing a future with him, he left for India to see his parents. For some unknow reason his work visa was blocked and he was stuck there for 3 months. Meantime his parents were looking for a local bride for him- and he broke it off with me. After 3 months, he returned back to the States and then one night I got a phonecall from him, crying, telling me how wants to end his life. He explained to me that he turned down the bride because he misses me, how he is not attracted to Indian women and he wants me….oh and then he told me that no one knows but that he has huge financial debt in US and is now going to be thrown out of his home. Because of his busted credit score he cant get another accomodation.  I was of course very emotionally attached so I helped him move into my little flat.

He kept all of this a secret to his parents, in fact when he skyped them I had to hide and he told them he was renting some girls flat….but he happily told all our friends that he is moving in with me and we are in love ..

The live in situation was ok at first but then it went bad, he drank a lot and on weekends was partying while I was working a lot and on top of that doing all the household chores while he only contributed with paying half of the weekly grocessary bills. His parents were still searching for a bride to send over to US. I felt disrespected and asked him to move out.

We broke it off for few months, got back together again and at this point he told his parents about me. They were frustrated as he was 37y, was settled in US and had a good paying job -and their only wish was for him to be married and give them grandchildren. They accepted that I was white but wanted a marriage soon….THEN he lost his job and covid hit and he moved back into my little flat. His job loss meant also he would loose his permit to stay in the States, so he begged me to help him find a job, get married or he would have to move back to India. Marriage was hard with COVID just starting and also as much as I loved him, something was stopping me…Months later, he finally got a job and with my help he got a new flat as I cosigned his lease (his parents dont know any of this), AND he paid of his financial debt.

At this point I was so emotionally exhausted from all the drama, supporting him and fear of COVID, fear of loosing my job, that I was happy to live apart as I needed a break. I took another job that required me to move away, and he didnt even attempt to stop me-just kept talking about his job stress. A month ago he called me to tell me he now has a credit card and the new job gives him a lot of bonuses and benefits and his green card is moving forward. He has wiped his state clean from all the previous things  and felt that he now is ready for children and since I moved away his parents dont see this happening for us and neither does he. He is now on dating apps and his parents are looking for new bride (to live in the flat with my name on the contract LOL). But he still wants to be friends since I am his best friend….I said NO

END

Why am I telling you my story: because you are not alone, because I am spending every day meditating to deal with my grief, to try to be compassionate to myself…that maybe we both were saved by some bigger power from a bad future life. Some days are good but some are really low…and I try to keep busy…time is the best medicine they say

Based on my experience, I think your guy (similar to mine) liked the idea of having a “fair wife”and a life in the States…but his upbringing is stronger, his parents idea of what is best for him is stronger. For him, there was no going back to India, his parents probably sacrificed everything they had to get him to US so they can be proud of a successful son, for them they want a wife that will give him biological children that understands their customs and would take care of them when they move to the States too. Maybe your X is with the Temple girl and he will get his green card after 2y of marriage, and then they divorce because he wants an Indian wife..or maybe his parents will send him a bride that wants to marry to a life in the States…who knows…but you and I are free to love and be loved, we got another shot at love…

with love