Hi Helcat,
Well, I’m truly impressed! You have realized the essence of Gassho, are living it, and reaping the rewards. After all you’ve been through, this is an incredible achievement.
My weekend, was good. My daughter and grand daughter came over for my (81st) birthday, and the roof came off the house (figuratively speaking). They are a couple of live wires; and get a big bang out of trying to outwit me in any way they can (which of course, they never do ;-)); but it keeps my on my toes. My wife cooked a great dinner, which she ALWAYS does.
… john

Hi Helcat,
It sounds like you’re living in a state of ‘waiting for the next shoe to drop’, with very little, if any, certainty in live, wondering if, or when, you should pull the plug. It’s a rough way to survive.
…. john

Hi Helcat,
It might be a good idea to stay on it then. Is there a method whereby you can wean yourself of it, a little at a time?
.. john

Hi Helcat,
I’m glad that you found bhante’s advice helpful. It’s good that you’re able to get some rest now, that helps a lot.
Hi Helcat,
I’ve never really thought about ‘the void’, but I do know that I ‘disappear’ during meditation. Maybe that’s the same thing. I’ve never been able to point to any advantages from meditation; I don’t feel any more at peace after; have never had any of the glorious experiences others report, nor any insights that I can attribute to it. So, why do I do it? I’m not really sure.
Yes, I guess pain is like everything else, it fades over time. That reminds me of the old expression ‘This too will pass.’
Years ago, after reading the Dhammapada, I came to one conclusion that has always stuck with me ‘Thoughts and mind are the source of all sorrows.’
I suspect that a therapists advice would be more directed than Buddhist teaching, which are much more general, and not aimed at specific issues. It seems like you’re doing well …… good!
… john
P.S. I’m fine.

Hi Helcat,
Ah, “the void within”. Does he say what that is?
What’s the name of the book?
…… john

Hi Helcat,
Thumbs up for the that, your son sleeping through the night. Gives you a new lease on life eh!
Being elusive may just be his shtick. Ah, so the burning was connected to the shredding; I hadn’t realized that.
A million words is a lot of poetry😉.
The best art quote is one I came up with after spending weeks trying to fit my eulogy to Sappho into sapphic verse;
but yes, I’m sure others have come to the same realization, after the same process.
Oddly, when I gave up trying, this is what came out, as easily as writing a sentence.
“Blow mighty Aeolus.
Blow your priestess Sappho’s soft sweet echoes of golden climes,
through raging storms and wasting wars;
free from the chains of dead dumb tongues and the tombs of time;
that they may caress these strings and sing eternal your praises.”
“There is nothing wrong with being present and giving life your all.”
Isn’t that what we all strive for?
Yes, the thrill of vacuuming will wear off, sooner or later, hopefully later☺️.
” Hmm well common things like losing a job, relationships ending and death of a loved one are all considered to be traumatic. ” Oh, ok then; yes, most people have probably experienced trauma.
Take care of yourself,
….. john

Hi Helcat,
Yes, I can see why you would hate yourself when you felt that you were responsible for your mother’s misery. That’s a lot of guilt to carry around. Your mother made her choices in life; and because she wouldn’t take responsibility for them, she decided shift the blame for you, for HER decisions. That is not right. Don’t accept that guilt. It isn’t yours.
…. john