i hope your account can be recovered and i’m glad that you have a backup with your husband’s account. the computers crashed yesterday during school and most of my java programs were possibly deleted (i hope not, b/c i would have to redo the coding again. i have the temperature conversion saved on a google doc so that one’s okay. but i may have to redo my address/name/phone one). i have become better at working on java and i was in the middle of the address/name/phone program that i created which would allow the computer to recognize me as the user and when i asked it questions such as “what is the user’s address?” it would respond. i think other classmates had the same problem so i’m not the only one. i like your idea of seeking advice from different people on different issues and you haven’t gone Anonymous yet. so i succeeded in two days of a bully-free zone. i meditated on monday in which i didn’t have school and i hung out with laid-back friends on tuesday and we made thanksgiving cards for seniors. i liked the drawing and the idea of sending well wishes to senior citizens. today, there is a strange calling that keeps telling me to tell the source of my inner bully b/c i can feel it starting to creep in. there is a voice in my mind that keeps saying “speak, get the truth out and seek advice to uproot the inner bully.” i think i will, can you give me advice on this story?

here goes:
i really enjoyed playing lacrosse when i was in elementary school. i was also good at soccer and most other sports (except volleyball and baseball), but i never really cared much for athletics. i often found myself when i was in elementary school while others were at recess, i would read or draw or help the teacher. i also enjoyed learning about tools and how they worked. i was often teased b/c i wasn’t interested in sports and often my classmates would make remarks toward my ethnicity calling me a “geeky asian girl. or a tomboy that wasn’t a tomboy b/c i wasn’t very interested in athletics.” i never really noticed their comments or remarks, in fact i laughed at myself along with them and most of the time they would go away and bother someone else upon which i would step in and defend that person. i was the person who would always sit with someone who was different or being bullied no matter whatever the people said and is still do that now. also i was young at that time and the world was new and i had a lot of good friends and great teachers so i didn’t really let the teasing sink in. in middle school, most of my friends left to go other places and i was finding my way through a new school. in sixth grade, the first year of middle school i was quite shy and really into academics (got straight A’s). there was a girl who used to crack bad jokes about me to her friends, but i realized she was just jealous b/c i was better at school work then she was. i had a a few guy friends that would defend me and i didn’t really pay her much thought b/c she didn’t really bother me much. there were times when i saw her as an insecure person and i would help her and she would be quite nice, in fact we are friends now and she is quite good at academics as well. sixth grade was the time when i became a buddhist wiccan since one of my guy friends was one. i think the bullying started to sink in at seventh grade. most of my friends were in different classes and no one really wanted to be my friend, they all thought i was weird b/c i was a buddhist wiccan. some were also jealous b/c i was in advanced algebra due to my test scores in sixth grade. i tried to be friends with some people, but they would ignore me and it hurt. i would hear whispers saying “look there goes that girl who sold her soul to the devil” even though wicca is a nature oriented religion and it is using natural energy of the divine to bring about harmony and balance with nature. buddhism is about walking your own path and making your choices, making yourself whole much like wicca in the balance with nature. but i met jaydah who was a great person and one of my first closest lacrosse friends. but she moved away during the end of first semester. i made friends with elisha, but she wasn’t the best person to be friends with. she made me quite depressed b/c she would often talk about how the world was against her and how death would be better. i was friends with her b/c she was quite good at math and advanced algebra got tougher during the second semester and i needed her help. but she really dragged me down and made my potential for friendships seem to lessen even more b/c i got more labels attached to me. people would look at me and say “look there goes the two crazy and delusional people who are depressed.” during this time, i had another friend i often saw at lacrosse and his name was andrew L. (not the same andrew who is good at science, he is andrew W.). i often ran track with him and played lacrosse, but i didn’t see him often, but he had a good sense of humor, andrew L. and i are still friends now. so elisha made me quite depressed, but toward the end of the second semester, i met my special friend. he and i shared a public speaking class together and i helped him with his hw. he invited me to play soccer with him. there were times when i felt so sad b/c i didn’t think i had friends and my special friend would say “i’m here for you, it’s okay.” he introduced me to his friends and they became my friends and they played soccer, lacrosse and hockey so we would often play together and we still do. my special friend kept telling me that elisha wasn’t a good friend for me and she was heading for trouble, but i didn’t want to believe him, i wanted to help elisha. towards eighth grade, i felt like i was burdened by a lot of weight b/c i was quite sad and sometimes cried myself to sleep. i often didn’t think anyone cared about me b/c i didn’t have many friends. but my special friend and his friends were always their throughout seventh and eighth grade to help me through. towards the second semester of my eighth grade year, my language arts teacher put me next to a girl whom i admired her artistic ability an confidence. the girl didn’t pay much attention to me though except when we worked together. my special friend changed that, he pretended he was bullying me and it caught the girl’s attention and she told him to stop. when he laughed and went away, i heard the girl mutter to herself “this isn’t right, she doesn’t deserve to be bullied.” so the girl whose name is aaliyah wrote me a note saying that she felt bad that i was being bullied and she asked if we could be friends upon i said sure. she is one of my closest friends today. she said that at first she had the same first impression other people had of me that i was weird, but when my special friend role-played bullying, she realized that i was just a normal person who needed a friend. then aaliyah glared at my special friend and said ‘that wasn’t very nice.” upon which my special friend said he had been joking and just trying to make friends. anyway, aaliyah asked me just to be sure and now both my special friend, aaliyah and me are friends. anyway, when i became friends with aaliyah, i dropped elisha as my friend b/c she wasn’t a good person too be around. it was hard at first, but aaliyah and my special friend pulled me through it. anyway during high school, i made a vow that i wasn’t going to let the bullies define who i was. freshman year of high school went by and it was great. i had lots of friends and my grades were great. andrew L. and i saw more of each other in track and lacrosse. my special friend, andrew L. and me would often have fun together. toward july through october 19-ish of sophomore year i was part of the gymnastics team. the girls on the gymnastics team accepted me for who i was and i felt as if i truly belonged. i missed 3 events b/c i had to work at the restaurant, but i felt bad for missing them. i had to quit before the end of the season somewhere near nov. 14th b/c i had to help out at the restaurant and my parents needed me to help out. that is one of the disadvantages of having a restaurant, you sometimes can’t enjoy the things you care about b/c you have to work. my gymnastics teammates are still my friends, but my withdrawal from the team made me feel sad. my teammates had provided me with support and also helped me with school work, they gave me confidence in myself. during gymnastics season somewhere around august 27, when i came home from gymnastics practice a guy was being sexist b/c he saw me wearing a leotard. he said “you don’t have the body for a gymnast. your pussy is too big. you’re showing off your body, you think you’re so good. but you are a weak, pathetic loser.” i was shocked at his comment, but i just walked away. since i was still in gymnastics at that time, i let the incident go and it didn’t matter b/c i was surrounded by positive and encouraging people. the memory didn’t bother me when i had to quit gymnastics or throughout my sophomore year. it is really strange how my inner bully decided to show up during march of my junior year and it hadn’t through any of the other times. march of junior year was the formation of the inner bully, the hurtful self-criticism that kept at me. in february 23rd when i took the sats and received a 1490/2400, my parents ragged me saying that i wasn’t going to make it into college. i wasn’t really upset then b/c i knew i had other chances. but an incident during gym of junior year triggered the memory of what happened sophomore year that i had thought was gone. a guy made fun of me and called me ugly and said that i had no right to be good at sports b/c i was a girl. he went even further with his insults by saying that i was pretending to be a boy and i didn’t have the body of an athlete. he said that my chest wasn’t toned, that i had big thighs and my butt was large. this hurt and it triggered back the memory of sophomore year when someone was being sexist. however, i forgot about for a while b/c i had friends such as andrew w (science) and dave who were great people. i also developed a workout program and was quite happy with myself until june came around and somehow my inner bully just broke through. all summer i tried to hide my body afraid someone would make a rude comment about it. i felt inferior to guys being a girl. i would work out in nature alone where no one would see me and i hid myself. every day there would be the voice of my inner bully saying “look the guys were right. you will never be an athlete. you are powerless as a girl. you’re chest is too big. look everyone hates you. you’re nothing.” all i wanted was peace from the chatter in my mind. i achieved peace in july of junior year through meditation, but something triggered the inner bully again when my parents yelled at me for not knowing any life skills and the inner bully picked that up and was at full watt saying “see no one likes you. you’re a failure. you know nothing.” there will always be something that triggers my inner bully and i need to work on letting my inner bully go. i’m in my senior year of high school and still working on letting go of the past. however, i’m unsure of how to let go and be the confident person i used to be. also this is the reason i’m not good with relationships b/c i’m not sure how to trust someone, i’m afraid a person will see me as a weak person and will betray me.

thanks anita, you are the most kindhearted person i know. i am thinking of another poem called “Friend of the Stars”, “Soul of the Stars” “Soul Friend” and it will be about what a great person you are and how much you’ve helped me in life. i have to find time to draft it admist this work load that i have:

ap biology ch. 11 vocab cards (around 15)
ap biology ch. 44 and 45 take notes
study for ch. 14 test tues. for u.s history ii (won’t be too bad, since u.s history is relatively easy)
reorganize and revise my notes for ch. 6&7 for ap biology
study for the ap calc test this coming friday
study for sats sometime soon (really need to do this)
complete project due this coming friday for u.s history ii (almost done, 2 more pictures and explanations to go)
work on codeacademy to improve my java skills so i can complete the two projects due on friday
also find a time to stay after with u.s history teacher to make up tests/quizzes i missed when i wasn’t in that class, hopefully if i can still take them, it will bring my grade up b/c that 65 is giving me some anxiety.

i printed out a copy of my inner bully song and i have been singing the lyrics in my head and laughing, i will pin it up in my room and sing that song every day.

i think you may be right about steve being slightly intimidated by francine. she is quite fun to be around and confident in her actions, she’s not afraid to talk to someone she likes and speak her mind. steve is a bit more reserved, i have both sides, a reserved side and a fun side so i get along with both. most of my closest friends are laid-back, compassionate and fun to be around and they embrace me for being me. ii was quite shy in seventh grade when i met steve in science class b/c i was working on doing well in school, but i also had some confidence as well. i complimented him on his science project and he stayed to help me with a science assignment. i think francine needs to approach steve in a slow, laid-back manner like you said and maybe compliment him a little to get him to open up. also about the song, i did that all on impulse without prior thought. thanks for saying that it is good:) i think some of andrew’s good humor is rubbing off me. andrew is my ap biology partner and we always make each other laugh. he isn’t extremely confident, but he has a very optimistic and laid-back nature that is quite fun. i think i was thinking about him and how fun he can be when i wrote the song;) andrew can turn any serious thing into a funny thing and make you understand something well. i also can do that, but not when i have an inner bully in me. andrew and i make each other laugh and we don’t compete anymore. when we are talking, my inner bully disappears.

thanks for your comfort anita:) i really like chapter eleven about cell communication in ap biology, andrew likes chapter 44 on cell’s regulating water. cell communication is easier for me b/c i am good with molecules being transferred and chemical signals, while andrew is good at biological processes. lately we have been helping each other with our notes. he and i have a lot of the same ideas of how to approach diagrams and we often have the same format to our note-taking and we both have a good sense of humor. i need some advice on how to talk to a shy guy b/c i have a friend francine who wants to make friends with my former lunch buddy who is now in my ap calc class, but he is really shy. he doesn’t have many friends and francine feels bad for him, she really is a great friend. i asked dave today if he had any advice and he said that francine should casually approach him and talk about some topics and possibly use humor. francine says she has already tried to talk to steve and it is hard. i don’t think steve is that shy, though he helps me with my ap calc hw at times. he’s a good person who is a bit insecure at times like me. francine has a great sense of humor and dave is most likely to cheer you up or possibly andrew as well. even though, ap biology is a lot of work, it’s fun and cool to learn and working with andrew is quite fun. dave and steve are great for ap calc although i’m still learning how to calculate derivatives using the chain rule on radicals and fractional exponents or how to combine all the rules we’ve learned to solve a problem which can get quite confusing on which rule to use and where you are. i find that sometimes i end up forgetting a rule to use especially when it comes to trig, radical and fractional exponent functions. my inner bully came by in ap biology today when andrew and i were discussing cell communications and it said “see you’ll never be as smart as him.” where upon i envisioned a silver disk smashing it. it made a reappearance in java when it said “you are terrible at computers, how come you have so many mistakes? you’ll never pass this class.’ it made me really irritated, but the thing is by the end of the block, when i ran to catch my bus, i managed to imagine the inner bully being crushed under a bus and it made me laugh. i might create a song ridiculing the inner bully.
“the arms of the inner bully goes grab, grab, grab.
the arms of the inner bully goes grab,grab, grab
the arms of the inner bully try to grab me
the mind of the inner bully goes yes, yes, yes
the mind of the inner bully goes yes, yes, yes
the mind of the inner bully tries to be my mind saying things that it says are true
the voice of the inner bully says “not good enough, not good enough, not good enough” all day long
But i won’t let that inner bully grab, grab, grab
No i won’t let it grab, grab, grab
It’s arms are twigs in which i will break, break, break
It has no power to hold me in it’s clutches
For it’s arms, i will break, break, break
the mind of the inner bully tries to steer me into a crash
But I won’t crash
I’ll take control of the steering wheel
the mind of the inner bully says things are true
i press delete and turn on the music of life
the inner bully chitter chatters all day long
“Not good enough, not good enough, not good enough” it chants
i fast forward the screen, the inner bully doesn’t hold the remote to my life
i will see the images and impression i want to see
the inner bully laughs and says “break, break, break”
the inner bully says “fail, fail, fail”
what good would your actions do? ‘cuz i’m the inner bully “ha, ha,ha”
and i say “you will never shatter my spirit inner bully, begone!”
i will not tolerate your insults and curses
you are nothing, but a miserable shadow that just latches on to people
you don’t have physical form, you just lurk in the shadows waiting to be triggered
but i will pump positive ions by active transport against inner bully (biology reference here) and i will let the shattered pieces of the inner bully exit the cell through the membrane
and the inner bully says “i will take a piece of your cell membrane for my sake (exocytosis: when a cell takes a piece out of the membrane, can be helpful if there are foreign pathogens that need to be transported out of the cell) and leave you with a gaping hole in you self-esteem
and i say i will take in more positive energy to fill those holes in me so you will never win (endocytosis: when cell replenishes membrane by taking stuff in) both exocytosis and endocytosis require energy.
i will enjoy my life to the fullest without your help (funny math systems of equations, i found online that applies)
life+love=happy
+life-love=sad
_____________
2 life= Happy+Sad

Life= (Happy+Sad)/2
So, Life= 1/2 (Happy+Sad)

I will solve the x’s (times when i am cross) in life so i can find the treasure (another math analogy and also pirates marking treasure with an “x”)

“Math teaches us how to add love and minus hate. But it gives us Every reason to hope that Every problem has a solution.”

So I will work on subtracting my hate and multiplying my love.
So dear sweet bully (being sarcastic here), you will never succeed in making me x (cross) nor will you make me wonder Y
Y is getting annoyed by you asking, can’t you see i’m okay the way i am?
so, take your mental abuse to healthy students (first four words spell math) and go haunt an empty shack (hoovervilles from u.s history)
you have no room to haunt me, so begone with your problems because you’re the one who has them and i won’t help solve them
i will be having fun solving the variables in life and making the good add up

(I love math and science analogies, they are so funny:)

i agree that the inner bully is your own worst enemy b/c it sees the things you can’t hide. here are some song lyrics that describe the inner bully from Pink’s “Please Don’t Leave Me.” the inner bully is only a coward that hides in darkness and emanates the shadowy outline of what you might be, but it isn’t really who you truly are. when you shine the light on the shadow, the darkness fades and the inner bully screeches “aah! don’t leave me!” but you are happy to turn the flashlight to an even higher power to melt that inner bully. i have begun to use a sense of humor to attack the inner bully and have been drawing comics with the inner bully being kryptonite and trying to weaken superman’s powers. the comics make me laugh and undermine the inner bully. so here are part of the lyrics: “I don’t know if I can yell any louder. Or how many times I’ve kicked you outta here. Or said something insulting. I can be so mean when I wanna be. I’m capable of really anything. I can cut you into pieces.” The inner bully yells its insults trying to kick my true self out into the dumps so it can act like it’s an amazing thing, but what it really does is cut you into pieces. Yet we are stronger at the broken parts. I wrote a poem called “Stronger at the Broken Pieces: A Story of Loss and Gain” and I will post it soon.

it’s okay anita:) i got a 91 on my java alice project. ray and anthony (good at computers) were helping me with the animations and the camera on thursday and it was presented on friday. i did a version of red riding hood. i like your idea and your theory. i also need to add to the list of bf potential: independent and serious, i am very independent and serious and enjoy being who i am and am not much of a flirt. if i like someone, i will invite them and a group of friends to play sports or have fun together. when we have times alone, we would talk like best friends b/c the romantic atmosphere just makes me feel strange. also i want someone who appreciates me for me, not b/c i’m athletic or smart. that’s why dave and andrew are quite great guys b/c i can totally be myself around them and we both have our independence. also let me add the factor of being able to deal with my inner bully and defensive nature, i can be quite strong-willed at times and my inner bully did try to sneak into my life again today. it kept telling me that i was dumb, fat and nothing to anyone. however, it didn’t attach itself to me to strongly and i managed to uproot it.

• This reply was modified 8 years, 2 months ago by Janus.

so my special friend’s gf is in my u.s history ii class and lately she has been jealous of me like she glares at me and mutters under her breath. she is very awkward around me even when i act polite and say hi. i think she feels worried that my special friend likes me more and i will steal him from her. i don’t think i would ever do that to her. in 10th grade, she was in my chem. honors class and i am still grateful to her b/c she helped me understand a chemistry topics better and she was very helpful in that class. if my special friend is happy with her and if she is happy, i’m fine with it. i feel bad b/c today i was a bit stressed from my classes and at lunch when my special friend tried to catch my attention, i ignored him b/c i just wanted to be alone. he had been a bit worried about me after 2nd block (u.s. history) when i saw him while going to my locker b/c he could tell i was a bit stressed even though i gave a makeshift impression that i wasn’t. so he tried to catch my attention at lunch, but i was busy focusing on school work and ignored him. i like my special friend and i know he is a loyal person with the people he cares about. i realized that every time he sees a blonde girl, he tenses up b/c they remind him of a former broken relationship that he had who the girl was mean to him, so when he sees a girl who is blonde, memories come back to him. i feel bad for him and i hope he gets over that memory. that memory is like an inner bully to him and also i can connect b/c i have my own inner bully from some of my memories. we are good friends although sometimes we argue and are unsure about ourselves.