thanks anita;) I am working on improving my circulation so I don’t feel so cold during the the winter. I have a friend who is taking the laidback route in school. he is also encouraging me to not worry so much about my grades and enjoy life more. I typically worry about my grades and there is so much competition in school these days. it’s sad that my special friend and i are seemingly drifting away because every time we see each other in school, we always look at each other awkwardly or sometimes quickly look away. it’s like both of us has changed and we don’t know each other anymore. i have become the confident girl who is trying to be an honors graduate for senior year and taking many ap and honors classes and being immersed with school work and friends who value education. i used to be more carefree and shy, but that side of me seems to have become dormant and he’s not sure if he likes the new me. I have found a solution for my mural project that I thought i had to abandon because the lotus design would be too hard, now i can find a way to pay back to the high school that has given me so much. after finishing the ap world history quiz after school today, i met members of the art club and also two of the advisors, they were making a mural outside the new wing downstairs outside of the history classes. I told them that i wish i could be as artistic and one of the teachers, whom i knew said that i was artistic, i just enjoy making things such as sewing and pottery rather than drawing. the other teacher introduced herself and she said that it wasn’t hard to make a mural and she told me that she scanned students drawings into a computer and used graphics to make the image more visible and colorful and then used a projector to project the photo on the wall where students could trace the lines with marker. i think i will join art club so i can do things like that. one of my friends is in art club and i think i can ask him if he can help me as well. I think the quote that applies most to my life right now is “Don’t be afraid to take risks and lose some things because you will always acquire something new and better and you have the satisfaction of at least trying.” I think I have lost some of my friends and some of my teacher friends (english and history), but i have discovered new ones who like math and science, working out and community service as much as i do. it is sad to know that my special friend enjoys english and history more as well and i feel bad for knowing him so long and now it’s like i’ve become a totally different person to him. there are teachers and my parents who tell me that i will never do well in math and science, that i should focus more on history and english, but those subjects don’t appeal much to me anymore. last night, i had a really cool dream about physics and wind powered generators. in this dream, i was experimenting with a wind turbine and i was calculating physics equations to figure out how much wind power would turn the generator. the dream was so cool, that i slept later and missed my bus because i wanted to figure out more of the equation. the next day i went into physics honors class and the teacher had a poster on wind power and he explained it to me when i asked him about it. it made me really upset this morning when my special friend said “you’ve changed so much. i’ve never would have thought you would be the girl to pursue math and science. i never thought you’d be the girl to be interested in criminal justice. i feel like i don’t know who you are anymore.” i was quite upset, but i understood how he felt because after meditating and realizing that my path lies more in math and science, it is quite a change for him, yet i feel upset that he had a limited view of me and the way he said it and how he couldn’t even look at me made me feel pained. this is why i feel like the quote “don’t be afraid to take risks and earn the satisfaction of trying, don’t be afraid of losing something because there is always something valuable to gain.” comes into play into my life. i feel like i have pursued so many goals in life and some of them, i couldn’t achieve because they weren’t meant for me, but i continue to set goals and know that if i lose one goal, i will achieve another. i have currently lost my goals of going into an english or history career to discover that i really truly cared more about math and science. in seventh grade through eighth grade, i lost the goal of wanting to play hockey with my special friend because i didn’t have time in my busy school schedule, but i managed to make two best friends and build my confidence in eighth grade and also i met my special friend in seventh grade. i lost the goal of getting into the junior national honor society, but my gpa is still high and i have acquired many intelligent friends. i am currently focusing on learning how to do reiki, improve my immune system and circulation and my health and doing well in school. there are times when i wonder if i am going to be able to do well in the semester. i stayed after today for ap world history and one of my friends who is on my bus saw me and asked me if i was staying after because she was as well. i told her i was for ap world history and i think she must have seen the stressed look on my face because she asked me if i was okay, i told her i was fine, but she didn’t believe me. she told me that i could tell her if i wasn’t okay, so i told her that i was stressed with the competition and also the idea of making goals and losing them, i told her that my special friend seemed distant and i wasn’t sure if i could do well in this semester. she listened and told it was going to be okay and that life is like that, a road of goals which some can be achieved and the ones that can’t be, just leave them behind and move forward and learn from them, life is meant to be lived. she told me that i was smart and that i would do well in this semester, that i shouldn’t stress too much and that with time, my special friend and i may become close again. i told her that i wished i could be as optimistic as she was, but i’m realist who tends to look more on the pessimistic side at times and that sometimes it was hard to believe in myself when my parents saw so many inadequacies in me. she told me that no matter what happens, that i would succeed, that she believed in me and that she saw that i had hope and potential, i just had to have the courage and will to keep going. when i told her that i wasn’t sure if the hope i was holding on to and the goal setting was worth the losses i’ve experienced, she told me that life isn’t an adventure without sacrifices and that i had so much hope and potential in me and that it doesn’t matter what others think, the right people believe in me and also she says i have an inner strength that prevents me from giving up. when i feel stressed, i try to live my this quote “when you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on.” i feel like there are times when the currents threaten to pull me under, so i must build a boat to stop them if they become to big for me to swim, if i feel like i’m just hanging on and drifting through life, i have to build a knot of hope and hang on, if i have a mountain in my way, i have to get a sledgehammer and turn it into a molehill. she really comforted me and i realize i am going to do whatever it takes to build the life i want, going into gene therapy (parents think it may be too hard for me, but i find the topic fascinating especially if it relates to cancer research and stem cells and rewiring dna or creating new ones) and reiki (which my parents don’t like wicca or buddha anyway because they are christians and they think spiritual life interferes with education) and also police force (which my parents think i am not strong enough). I think they have so little faith in me that it makes me annoyed. i also had a dream that i was confident and that i was in a science lab researching microbiology and pathology and ways to detect diseases within a person’s dna. i think my dreams are leading me into my career and i have high hopes of attaining it. i also had a dream last night that i felt like i was falling from the sky and there was a net that caught me and entangled itself around me and wouldn’t let me go. finally an old wise man spiritually enlightened (had a halo around his head) came and told me that i was falling through life and that i would lose a lot of things, but he would be my spiritual guide and that he would help me along my path to my goals. he told me that i had to believe in myself, not let others get me down and he took me on a journey through beautiful woods and he showed me all the cool sights i would see along my path. he was the one who introduced me to physics. he told me that right now it was okay that i was stressed out because everyone has a period in which they are happy and period of stress. he told me that i should take the stress and use it to help me on my spiritual path by meditating. he told me that whatever path i chose i would always be supported and not to worry. i was lifted on this beautiful purple light in my dream and it cleansed and healed me and i was back to my own world feeling more relaxed and hopeful.

thanks anita, it is hard trying to find my path in life since i have so many interests especially in science. yet, i am leaning strongly toward gene therapy and going to rutgers or rowan. i’ve also added two more prospective colleges bloomsfield and berkeley as well. sometimes i wish my class rank was higher because it is 25/383 and there are many people who are applying to the same colleges i am with higher class ranks and i feel the strain of competition. i’m glad for your support, it is great to have someone to talk to especially when i feel rushed in life to pick a career and go towards it. sometimes i feel like everyone around me knows where to go and what to do in life and i’m still working on my way. i think at this age my parents really value my education and so do i, but it would be good if i could get out into the real world and experience it more such as take myself on a camping trip and learn how to live independently. i love nature and i yearn for the fact of possibly taking a hike on some hills and working my way to climbing a mountain. it would also be good if i got a part-time job so i could learn what it’s like to work and manage money, but i have to help out at the restaurant and my parents are so focused on my education. i agree with them that education is important, but sometimes i need a break and i need some time out alone in the world to discover myself and my capabilities. i balance education with community service in my life, but usually education comes first. if i have a test, i won’t stay after school to help with breast cancer fundraising no matter how much i want to since i know i have to do well in school and get a good career. after the test, i’ll do some fundraising on my own with permission from my community service teacher.

Thanks, anita, sometimes it’s hard to find where my talents are and I have to remind myself of them. There are so many things in the world I want to experience that I feel myself go in many directions, but they all stem from one central theme which is my love for science, my interest in math and my compassion for the community and nature. I want whatever job I choose, be it gene therapy, reiki healer, accountant, cancer research scientist or military police to benefit others in some way. there is so much to learn in this world that sometimes i wonder how children can simply become adults and learn all the responsibilities when I just feel like i’m living on just book knowledge, memories and my thoughts. I like your interpretations of my poems;) there are times when I wish I was still a child and secure in a nest, but I know that I have to journey out and learn to fly because of the quote which I admire “The bird who stays inside the nest will never learn to fly.” I want to get out into the world, learn more through experience and learn to fly and thrive in this world. I think your tree analogy would apply well here since a tree grows from a small sapling into a mighty tree, braving winds, suns and rains to get there. Though the tree may bend and sway in the wind, though it may lose its leaves and change it’s bark (changing itself, dropping away the sad parts, changing the layers of itself to be better) and no matter what happens the tree remains rooted in place, secure where it is. I agree with your interpretation that the puzzles of myself were shaped by the world and my parents, but now I they have fallen apart to allow me to see the reality of the world and it is now time for me to pick up the pieces and build my life. There are many times when I compare myself to my friends and think of all the things they know and how I wish I knew more. I think that my special friend will always be around to make sure I’m okay, but I think he and I are drifting away from each other allowing each other separate paths and to learn how to stand on our own. It is sad to know that he won’t be there to guide me through life, but he will still watch and encourage me.

i have a 97.1 in physics honors as the overall grade and an 80-84 is a C, 85-91 is B, 92-100 is an A. Thanks! in ap english we read lots of cool books, I also read Ethan Frome which had a sad ending. ethan was always tied with his obligations and he felt guilty leaving his ailing wife zeena (hypochondriac), even though he had a crush on her cousin mattie silvers. instead of taking the train and leaving starkfield, massachusetts (winter’s are cold and lonely, quite rural area, ethan married zeena because he didn’t want to feel lonely) with mattie, they both decide to crash their sled and ethan is left with a paralysed right side and mattie is left with a concussion. zeena gets stronger because she has to take care of both of them. i always wondered how children become adults because i feel like there is so much to learn in this world. i even wrote a poem about it, i often enjoy writing poetry about nature, life and love.

Here is the poem:

Looking into the Mirror

Looking into the mirror, looking at me

Sometimes I see a pretty reflection, sometimes I see myself worn by time

Looking into the mirror, I ask myself “Am i really me? Is this who I’m supposed to be?”

Looking into the mirror, looking at myself trying to find out who I really am

Is this the true me, the me I want to be?

Or is it the me that’s been shaped by the world?

Looking through the mirror, I never look with the same eyes twice

Those thoughts in my head either put me down or build me up

Looking in the mirror, I try to see myself in the future

Sometimes my reflection looks haggard and ugly, at other times confident and self-assured

I don’t know what to believe

Looking through the mirror, I see myself growing up

The illusions of childhood breaking into pieces

The world shaping who I am

Looking into the mirror, I ask myself “Is this really me? How is it that I can be my worst critic and also my best cheerleader?”

Looking into the mirror, I think about the shattered illusions of childhood, how the broken pieces remind me of the difficulties I’ve faced and wonder “Will I be strong enough to pick up all the pieces, put them together and build a strong future?”

Looking at the mirror, asking myself if I’m ready to go out into the real world

Sometimes my mind cries “I’m still a child! I can’t handle an adult’s responsibilities! I need freedom!”

Other times I see myself accepting to become an adult, knowing I’m still me

Looking in the mirror, I feel conflicted about me

Looking at the mirror, I’m uncertain if I’m perfect the way I am or need to change

Looking at myself, I wonder if I’m ready for the future

Looking in the mirror, I wonder if I’m really me and if this is who I want to be.

I think many adolescents wish their parents would guide them more and question their self-worth and where they are going in life.

Thanks, anita;) It is great to know you love learning as well. I think after I complete school and college; I will be a lifelong learner and continue researching, reading and expanding my mind. I encourage you to do the same; there is so much wonder in the universe to be discovered. I got a 90 on my pre-calc quiz, at least a 94 on my ap world history quiz today. i am nervous about the physics honors quiz on monday which is 31 questions which 24 of them are multiple choice and have to do with graphs; using graphs to calculate velocity and distance can be confusing at times and i have to memorize the formulas for free fall, acceleration (pretty easy) and average velocity and average acceleration. i wish i was in calc right now because it would help me understand how to derive equations. for ap english, i managed to finish booker t. washington’s speech which talked about social equality between blacks and whites and how they should help each other in industrial productivity. i think it’s not just blacks and whites that need to be unified together, but all races and ethnicities. february is black history month so we are still learning parts of martin luther king’s speech “i have a dream.” i managed to finish the first 18 page chapter in Nickel and Dimed (read half last night and half today) by Barbara Ehrenreich who is a writer deciding to experiment with living on minimum wage, i had to look for ways she developed her argument, her experience at her jobs and also obstacles minimum wage workers faced (waitress in florida at two restaurants then a housekeeper, felt like a failure after leaving both jobs due to disruptions), colloquial terms and the way managers treated their workers harshly (no breaks, always watching them) in 1998. there was a lot of the same experience throughout the first chapter of people struggling to pay for a suitable shelter, feeling drained after rush hour and having to live mostly on fast foods since they were the cheapest. barbara compared living on minimum wage to like being on a battlefield where everyone you serve is your enemy since they don’t have to tip you and you seem to be at their whim always running around. i think barbara is describing the lower middle class, i had to read and outline the chapter by thursday, but i managed to do it. i also have a pre-calc test wednesday and also an ap english essay on whether schools should allow corporate influence and advertisements inside the school by friday. there are times when teachers give sparse homework and then when you least expect it they pile all of it on which makes me so annoyed, i wish they would have more even distributions of homework. it can be straining when you don’t understand something in class or you just have lots to do and you just have to fend for yourself and make it work somehow since everyone else is competing and focused on themselves and there is no one, but yourself to figure out our to work out the information. the good thing about this is that it teaches independence and self-reliance under pressure, the bad thing is that it feels like you are on an island fending for yourself. but the important thing to remember is to keep going and keep your hopes up and have a goal in mind, it always motivates you to try harder when you feel like giving up if you have the goal of college and being recognized at senior graduation as an honor student (94 or higher gpa).

Thanks anita;) I think it would be great if I retain the knowledge I learned in school so I could help my child (if and when I have one) with her homework. I find it hard to let go of my old notes, but I have thrown most of my history and english notes out because I am good at english and history without them. for math and science, i am keeping 4 binders and 4 folders, also i have a folder for financial literacy and independent living and drivers education. my parents say i have a lot of clutter because i am always getting notes in school, reading on my own, researching online so my room is mostly books and notes. i am understanding how to deal with pressure and i think i am learning what it will be like in college. the ap midterms were hard and they were like college exams, i feel like the high school environment is preparing me for college and life on my own. my ap world history teacher doesn’t care if you miss a few days in her class or if you are late, she just cares that you do well in her course and pass the tests, also she expects you to catch up on your own by researching online for assignments or asking a friend, in a way it is like college. my ap world history teacher lectures briefly and i have learned better ways to take notes and analyze texts and sometimes she goes quite fast so you have to be quick to process it. if only my parents believed in me enough that i am getting prepared for college. i feel like i have learned a lot from my teachers and from my friends this year.

Thanks, anita;) I am enjoying physics honors right now, there are some concepts about freefalling that I’m still working to grasp. I have an ap world history ch. 12 test tomorrow and have to memorize four maps (10 points), multiple choice (10 points) and ten comparison diagrams of empires [mughal, ming, europe, ottoman, safavid, iroquois, nacirema (still confused on this culture)] worth 80 points. There is so much competition between students in ap and honors classes whether it’s gpa, test scores, college choosings, class ranks, etc. I’m not sure what defines intelligence anymore, sometimes it is gpa, other times its who got the highest est score or who has the highest class rank. Everyone who takes ap and honors (30% of our school) seems to be competing and there is frequent changing of classes so people can boost themselves up. People are forming study alliances and then they break apart after one person does better and that person wants to work with another person. i don’t know who my friends are anymore before everyone is just rushing, competing and there just isn’t any time for people to even talk to each other asking if they are okay or even for people to stop and observe nature for a while. All this pressure is making me restless because I feel like i need to partake in the competition, but i try to still not get too caught up on building my intelligence that i miss out on what it feels to be alive and the true meaning of life through the beauty of nature and the little things. it is a good thing that m subconscious mind is able to think quickly and i can solve problems in algebra quite well. i’m still trying to improve on data analysis, probability and statistics and logical reasoning word problems. the good thing is that whenever i am stressed, the guy i’ve known since seventh grade is always around and looking out for me. he’s always making sure i’m okay and comforting me if i get stressed. after ap world history, i was stressed thinking of the upcoming test and he was there and he told me it would be okay, he even went over some of the history notes with me. after ap english and pre-calc before lunch, my head was spinning from pre-calc equations yet i was happy because i really like pre-calc this year. yet before i went to lunch, i saw him and he asked if i was okay because i seemed somewhat detached, i said i was fine, that i was just thinking about pre-calc which i have a test tomorrow, but i think it will be easy. i just hope i don’t get too worked up over my ap world history test that i mess up on pre-calc one. he knows i’ve been staying after school these days and a lot of my classes are hard and he seems to be worried that i’m taking too much strain. i am really focused on school because i also have SATs february 20th. i’m grateful to have him in my life because he always tells me not to be too hard on myself, to stay calm and always tells me that he believes in me. i heard him say to a friend today that he wished he could take the same classes as i did so he could help me with them and ease the strain of the competition between ap and honors students, but most of the classes are full and he isn’t sure the idea of mostly ap and honors is right for him. i overheard him so i went to tell him to not worry about it, that he has already helped me lots in life and that it’s okay if he isn’t taking mostly honors and ap. i told him that life isn’t about intelligence and competition, it’s about supporting people, making friends and enjoying the journey of life.

Thanks anita;) I realized that patience and practice are always the best way to go toward a goal. I’ve never been a procrastinator and I always want to get things done quickly. If I have my mind set on a goal, I don’t let go of it despite others being negative about it or despite facing obstacles, I’ll try to work my way to the goal. Yet, I tend to sometimes try to do some many things at once and expect results quickly and it can be hard for me to be patient waiting for the results of my goal. For example, after a test, I often calculate all that I did wrong on the test and how my score would be and I am full of nervous energy awaiting my score, I keep checking and getting annoyed until when my score shows, I’m relieved. I’ve also realized that some of the athletes at my school don’t have good sportsmanship and there are times when I really want to improve my athletic performance so I can show them they’e not as good as they claim to be. Yet, i’ve realized that it only hurts myself by trying to improve myself to limits that aren’t right for me especially when I haven’t accepted the talents I have now. Because I care about my grades, I often study, research and read in my spare time. I have come up with a quote about the times when the athletes made me feel like I wasn’t good enough because I didn’t have the best coordination, strength and agility they had. The quote is “Athleticism isn’t about starting out with a heavy workout and acting as if you have the world’s greatest endurance and strength. Athleticism is tempered by humility, believing and accepting yourself in starting with small moderate workouts and building yourself up; it’s about seeing how much you can and have improved to be healthy, not how much you can do at one time. The athlete that tries to test his/her endurance by starting with a hard workout hurts himself by not giving his muscles enough time to warm up to the strain, it is important to start small and build up to moving mountains.” I would always say this to myself when some of the athletes would make fun of me. also, even though it hurts when people say mean things to you, i don’t sink to their level, i just take it and let it go and just meditate on being a better person than they are. i wish my parents would stop focusing on my inadequacies and thinking i can’t survive in the real world and start focusing on the things i can do like my hopes and dreams in living life to the fullest, science and community service.