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Ann – MarieParticipantHi Anita,
Sorry, let me explain what I meant to say a bit better.
My father, the person who put me through such an awful childhood is the person I am referring to as the person who cannot forgive themselves or move forward. I can now see, with all of the personal development I have been doing just how deeply traumatised he must have been to treat me, my brothers and sisters the way he did.
In the end we all woke up wasn’t a nice experience as there was a lot of stuff that needed to surface, but, we did thankfully, So, instead of staying asleep and becoming the next dysfunctional generation, me and my siblings changed.
He, however, still lives in lala land and denies the fact that there is any fault on his end for everything he did to me and my siblings, the emotional abuse caused by his parenting has caused us all a lot of problems in life. Hence my initial reason for posting I don’t function very well around people at all, I freak out. Example, yesterday I was in a shopping centre I couldn’t function, its like I try to act so normal, I make it ten worse. I complete tense up, become really serious and I’m scared just incase I do or say the wrong thing. Im working on it I just hope I can change it.
Hope that explains it better 🙂
Ann – MarieParticipantHi Mark,
Took your advice bought the book just waiting for it to arrive 🙂
I can totally relate to what you said about small talk I absolutely hate it. For me, its awkward and messy it’s exactly what can make people say the wrong things and come across as someone they are not, just for the sake of it. It can ruin first impressions but thats just my opinion.
I’m a very deep and meaningful person which can come across weird to people who are not. I love deep subjects like psychology, philosophy, etc and for people who don’t get them they defiantly look at you like there is something seriously wrong with you. Anyway, I believe I’m an introvert and I’m really looking forward to the book.
Thanx 🙂
Ann – MarieParticipantHi Lyssann,
Yes, my upbringing was pretty dysfunctional and abusive, also. I have recently got myself caught up in what seemed to be a perfect start to a relstionship for it to only do a 190 and be the totally opposite. I got so angry at myself for falling for such crap, so quickly, on the plus side, I noticed it really quickly and said goodbye. Would I have done this a few years ago, nooooooooo. So something I’m doing is working 🙂
I was never great at romantic relationships to be honest but for now I’m only going to focus on myself until I figure out who I am and then I will know exactly what is ok for me.
I have heard of Complex PTSD which is usually the effects of childhood trauma and I have looked into it a fair bit. I have some of the signs. One of the worst things that happens to me when I’m around too many people or crowded places is, my fight or flight goes off and its like I assume I’m in serious danger. I get really hot and totally panic it’s embarrassing and then my mind starts to tell me of all the reasons why people around me don’t like me, its awful. I think this is because I was around a lot of nasty judemental people growing up and its kind of stuck with me. I just need to wrk on it.
I have recently joined Yoga which I really like and the people in the class are lovely and it is only a small class, good for me. There are many ways to socialise I just have to find what is comfortable for me, at the moment not a lot but ill get there 🙂 But your right if I’m comfortable with me thats ok and the same goes for you 🙂
Thanx
Ann – MarieParticipantHi Alexandra,
I can also remember as a child I did liked my own company.
I was like you but as I became a teenager I became a very self – destructive mess which lasted into my late 20’s. I literally did anything for attention and to fit in. I think i just didn’t know who I was back then as I was always trying to get the attention I didn’t get at home or something. I too had lots of friend but now looking back all the wrong kinds.
I think I’m just beginning to really get to know the real me.
Thanx
Oh, this part for buddi I forgot to write it. That part you said about letting the right people in. I know, it is so important because all it takes is one bad hit to knock you right back down the ladder.
Thanx
Ann – MarieParticipantHi Buddi,
Yes, that is very true, a lot of people need people I’m glad to day I don’t so I suppose it is kind a blessing. Im very happy in my own company but like company now and again.
The book club sounds like a good idea. I’ve never thought of joining a book club before, maybe I will look one up and hopefully there will be one near me.
Thanks 🙂
Ann – MarieParticipantHi Anita,
Thanks for the friendly advice much appreciated.
I know there are a lot of people in the world with similarities because we were unfortunately born to a very dysfunctional era of any kind of abuse been keep secret or everyone just minded their own business, even when they knew it was very wrong. It was just the norm back then.
But I am slowly beginning to get through the process of fully forgiving it as the person didn’t know any better. They just did, what was done to them. Doesn’t make it ok, but makes it easier to understand and, forgive.
Everyone around the person has woken up and they just can’t forgive themselves for all the wrong they did. Even though everyone one else has, it is a very sad thing to watch but we all have to change ourselves, I know 🙂
I have been working through a lot of it myself to date and I’m sure you are well aware as you had a similar background when you wake up, its pretty hard for a while to process it all. Especially, what you though was acceptable to realise it was totally unacceptable.
I am going to get some therapy at the mo I’m still bucking up the courage to tell someone my weird s**t. 🙂
Thanx for the friendly advice
Ann – MarieParticipantHi John,
Just to let you know from your impression here you seem like a lovely caring & understanding person. 🙂
So you started chatting online & got nervous before the initial meet, thats normal, you turned it around by getting back in touch which is great. Then you both went had a night out everything seem to go really well.
However, the fact she is not responding to your messages is her way of saying it’s not for her. Whether its because maybe after the date she realised she didn’t want to date or she’s nervous for whatever reason. I would suggest stop messaging her especially if you have more than twice with no response.
Take it as your next life lesson, enjoy the experience you had & as you said you are new to it there are many more people in the world.
Get to know yourself before dating this is very important, when you know who you are, its much easier to attract the right kind of person for you.
Everything that happens in life for you is a lesson, look at the whole situation yourself included, what did you learn.
Hope this helps 🙂
Ann – MarieParticipantHi ladybug its a toughy alright they can come in all shapes and forms thats the problem its very hard to distinguish especially if its what you have grown up with and its what you believe to be normal.
Keep reading about it you will find the answer these are great books children of the self absorbed,its not you its your mother there is loads of stuff online but use specific frases or you will come up with relationship stuff alot of people don’t believe its possible but unfortunately it is.
Xx
Ann – MarieParticipantHi lisa,
I only explained briefly in my last reply the reason i said i know where you are coming is from is because Ive been through the exact same thing, from as far back as i can remember the emotional trauma was terrifying and the worst part about it is obviously you believe every single thing they say because they are family so they have to be telling you the truth.
This is why i recommended CBT, they will have already and will further more F**k your head up so bad making your thoughts totally distorted its hard to tell the difference from right and wrong, to trust people ETC i know this sounds harsh and it is but this is what happened to me, i kept focusing on all the bad stuff nothing good was getting in because i have not one ounce of self-esteem left, my subconscious was also buried with negitivity i said don’t give them the power because this is what i done too by letting them emotionally abuse me I gave them the power because i taught it was normal what was going on well thats a lie deep down i knew it was wrong but didn’t know what to do about it, eventually i went travelling for a couple of years but ended up coming home back to it and i could actually feel it starting all over again at the time i couldn’t name it but now i can it was full on emotional abuse even after been away it felt like i never left i fell straight back into the role, Without a douth the first thing you have to fix is your thinking once you get this sorted you can do anything I’m not saying its going to be easy.
If you fix the way you look at things the way you look at things will change.
Some suggestions :
CBT
Psychology Class
Loads of Self – Help
Meet new people
Counselling
Meditation – Yoga – pilates Etc any class for the mind
Start using essential oils
Walk i was at least 2 hours a day sound a lot helps a lot
Stay away from them
Start journaling really helps
Here are some websites that will help a lot to
One more thing Lisa i may be wrong but it sounds like to me there is definitely a lot of narcissistic behaviour here read up on this also
Trust me I’ve been through the ringer too but there is defiantly plenty of light at the end of the tunnel the best advice i can give you is educate yourself on the subject there is a different answer for everyone I’m still a work in progress but must better than where i was last year xx
Ann – MarieParticipantHi Lisa,
I know where your coming from and its truly horrible to believe the people that are ment to be the ones you can go to for advice and protection are actually the ones you need to protect yourself from.
You need to work really hard on yourself to get the strength you need to be assertive with them and stop them crossing your emotional boundaries or they will destroy you self esteem don’t give them the power to do this.
Going by what you wrote they are not happy with their lives but you do something you love and they don’t like it, if there not happy either they will try and stop you being happy also.
They are bullies and bullies are very broken people hiding behind fear. I would suggest you do a CBT course and some self help to give yourself the strength you need limit the contact or cut it completely and also tell they what they are its the most empowering thing I have ever done they might not care but at least you don’t it hope this helps xx
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This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by
Ann - Marie.
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This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by
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