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    As a woman, I must say that the attitude behind this is frustrating to me. If you believe you aren’t good enough for “any” woman, then what you’re saying is that every woman is interchangeable and all want the same thing.

    Women are people. Individuals, human beings. They have different standards, desires, interests and beliefs. Too many people think that getting a life partner is like fishing at the side of a pond, where the only thing that matters is getting a fish. It doesn’t matter which fish takes the bait, because they’re all fish, right?

    Finding a partner means finding a real human being, who has the same shared interests as you and who wants to build a life in the same way as you. She isn’t there to wash your socks, cook your meals and validate your insecurities. I’m not just saying this as a feminist and survivor of domestic abuse, I’m saying this as someone who can guarantee that having unrealistic expectations of what a relationship can do for you is going to bring you a lot of pain and misery, and is also a waste.

    Having unrealistic expectations will cut you off from the joy of finding real connections. If you just approach women at random in the street, you may indeed get rejected and even called a creep which will hurt you and reinforce your beliefs. But you’re also harming yourself, because if you tried to find someone you had something in common with, rather than picking some random girl off the street, then you will have a much better chance of connection. Finding a hobby, going on dating sites, taking a class you’ve always wanted to do — these are much more likely to bring you into contact with women you have something in common with.

    I was once the target of a very insecure man. He seemed genuine and sweet so I let my guard down and we started dating. What I didn’t know is that he didn’t care about me as a person at all. He was only interested in finding a girlfriend, and had asked out every other girl I knew before getting to me. Rather than building a life together, he was holding me to a near-mythical standard of some magical goddess who was supposed to make everything better in his life. He was angry, insecure, jealous, and became increasingly controlling when I didn’t bring about the changes he expected. He blamed me for all his wounds not being fixed. In the end he became abusive and endangered my life. After the police got involved, I never saw him again. Did he ever change? No — it all simply reinforced the idea that he was rotten and that no woman was ever going to love him.

    He did not start out that way. He started out being damaged, genuine, and worthy of love. If he let go of his outdated attitude towards women, and tried to find a genuine connection with one who was willing to be a friend and equal partner, then all of that could have been avoided.

    You deserve love and real connection. You deserve a partner who is compassionate, caring. An equal and a friend. Maybe only 1%, or 5%, of women will have the right qualities you need, but that’s okay. No matter how broken you feel, you have to trust that the right person will come along eventually, and not seize upon the first girl that smiles at you as some kind of rare commodity. The most important part of any meaningful relationship is being able to let go when it isn’t working, and trust that there will be something better in future. I don’t think you’re there right now, which is going to put unrealistic pressure on any girl who might so much as give you her phone number or agree to a first date.

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