Dear Silent Rossi:

It occurred to me, as I was reading your original post, that it is very different from the many thousands of posts that I read in these forums since 2015 (the year I became a member here). There is a simple, straightforward, bare and rare honesty in your writing that I didn’t encounter before: factual, no wishful thinking/ fantasy, no rationalizations, no efforts to make yourself look better (or worse) than you are, no efforts to be liked: just the facts with a touch of decency (caring to “treat people with respect and courtesy”).

These are huge pluses that you can offer a woman in a future relationship.

“I am 32 years old male. I had a very abusive past, which resulted in me expecting the worst from people and distancing myself from them… I’m probably better now than I was before“- factual, exact, and so is the rest of your post. You asked for other people’s views on your story.

My view: from all that you shared and based only on what you shared, I think that you are good enough for many girls (not “Not good enough for any girl”, the title of your thread). I think that with the right woman, it will be much easier for you to change the things that you want to change than it would be alone: (1) to live independently from your mother, (2) to get a meaningful, non-exhausting job, and (3) to complete your studies.

I think that it will not be a good plan to wait until you accomplish these goals before you approach a woman for a relationship.

“I believe my only option is to approach a girl in public places, on the streets“- or in a coffee shop… or online, in one of the better online dating choices?

“I would be lying if I said that I don’t fear girl’s rejection… how dare I approach a girl if I live unemployed with my mother, like a little kid?…  Because of my situation I feel myself less than a man“- almost every man who is employed and who has his own place, gets rejected by women. And so, I imagine that you will be rejected as well. I am guessing that the statistical chances for you will be rejected are higher than it is for men with a better relationship-resume (being employed, having one’s own place, etc.). But thing is, you only need one woman for a relationship. She will need to be a woman whose thinking is not rigidly conventional (ex, thinking that a man must have a job before dating him).

Her thinking needs to be outside the box, thinking along the lines that a Win-Win relationship can help her- and her partner (you)- to function better in life, having the attitude that Together, We Can Do what We Can’t Do Alone”.

Coming to think about it, if you join an online dating app (Plenty of Fish used to be free of charge), what I boldfaced right above could be the title of your profile, maybe… ?

anita

As a woman, I must say that the attitude behind this is frustrating to me. If you believe you aren’t good enough for “any” woman, then what you’re saying is that every woman is interchangeable and all want the same thing.

Women are people. Individuals, human beings. They have different standards, desires, interests and beliefs. Too many people think that getting a life partner is like fishing at the side of a pond, where the only thing that matters is getting a fish. It doesn’t matter which fish takes the bait, because they’re all fish, right?

Finding a partner means finding a real human being, who has the same shared interests as you and who wants to build a life in the same way as you. She isn’t there to wash your socks, cook your meals and validate your insecurities. I’m not just saying this as a feminist and survivor of domestic abuse, I’m saying this as someone who can guarantee that having unrealistic expectations of what a relationship can do for you is going to bring you a lot of pain and misery, and is also a waste.

Having unrealistic expectations will cut you off from the joy of finding real connections. If you just approach women at random in the street, you may indeed get rejected and even called a creep which will hurt you and reinforce your beliefs. But you’re also harming yourself, because if you tried to find someone you had something in common with, rather than picking some random girl off the street, then you will have a much better chance of connection. Finding a hobby, going on dating sites, taking a class you’ve always wanted to do — these are much more likely to bring you into contact with women you have something in common with.

I was once the target of a very insecure man. He seemed genuine and sweet so I let my guard down and we started dating. What I didn’t know is that he didn’t care about me as a person at all. He was only interested in finding a girlfriend, and had asked out every other girl I knew before getting to me. Rather than building a life together, he was holding me to a near-mythical standard of some magical goddess who was supposed to make everything better in his life. He was angry, insecure, jealous, and became increasingly controlling when I didn’t bring about the changes he expected. He blamed me for all his wounds not being fixed. In the end he became abusive and endangered my life. After the police got involved, I never saw him again. Did he ever change? No — it all simply reinforced the idea that he was rotten and that no woman was ever going to love him.

He did not start out that way. He started out being damaged, genuine, and worthy of love. If he let go of his outdated attitude towards women, and tried to find a genuine connection with one who was willing to be a friend and equal partner, then all of that could have been avoided.

You deserve love and real connection. You deserve a partner who is compassionate, caring. An equal and a friend. Maybe only 1%, or 5%, of women will have the right qualities you need, but that’s okay. No matter how broken you feel, you have to trust that the right person will come along eventually, and not seize upon the first girl that smiles at you as some kind of rare commodity. The most important part of any meaningful relationship is being able to let go when it isn’t working, and trust that there will be something better in future. I don’t think you’re there right now, which is going to put unrealistic pressure on any girl who might so much as give you her phone number or agree to a first date.

Hi Silent Rossi

I agree with you about online dating. The statistics for men are shockingly awful to connect with matches. I do believe your goal to meet someone in person is a sensible one.

I understand where Jupiter is coming from. Personally, I refused to date anyone who didn’t take the time to get to know me as a person because asking me before they knew me felt very superficial.

One difficultly of befriending people and then dating is that people can lead you on. So my recommendation is not to leave it too long before asking someone out. A month is more than enough.

As a woman, I found it difficult when men befriended me, only to ask me out. Then abandoned the friendship when I said no. So it’s important to consider if friendship is something that you are happy to continue with someone who says no. It’s also important to accept no as an answer and emotionally move on.

Dating is very tricky because it is a lottery. When someone says no, it doesn’t reflect poorly on you. Even the most attractive men get rejected.

We all have ideas of what we are looking for in relationships on top of chemistry. My question to you is what traits do you think are important in a partner?

For me, kindness is important because abuse sucks. Talent/skill/passion are very attractive. Communication skills are generally important. Mental and physical health are beneficial. Confidence is also attractive. Taking care of your appearance (wearing well fitting clothes, styled hair etc) is a good way to show that you care about yourself. I think responsibility is an important trait when it comes to serious relationships as ultimately the plan is to build a life with a partner.

Dear Silent Rossi:

You shared that you expect “the worst from people”, that you don’t “expect some gender to be more vile than the other” (suggesting that you expect all people to be vile), that you “hate people in general”, that you “deny humanity to all people“, and that for you, it is a “fundamental truth” that  “sexual desire is malignant intent, and expressing it to anyone is unspeakable crime“.

Sexual desire is part of being human, and all humans having arrived at a certain age, express sexual desire in one way or another. Therefore, what you are saying is that humanity is inherently very bad (malignant) and very guilty.

“I do deny women humanity, the same way I deny humanity to all people, men and women, myself included“-

– to deny people their humanity sounds like to dehumanize people, that is, to view and treat people as not deserving empathy or respect.

You also wrote: “I don’t care to treat people with anything but compassion. There was already enough pain caused at the hands of people, no need to breed more of it” – best I understand this, without further input by you, is that you feel that people do not deserve compassion but you treat them with undeserved compassion so that they do not become, through their words and actions, even more malignant than they already are.

I would like to communicate with you further.

anita