Anita

i am sorry for the late reply. There were a few reasons. Work, mostly. I work in recovery services in a program that finds and provides apartments for persons that are homeless that live with mental illness.

I am completing my Case Manager training, which covers all aspects of assistance and empowering people to acclimate to living in an apartment….they are nicer than my home!!  That makes me happy, because I remember the long journey of overcoming homelessness.

This is very outside the box for me, as I have worked mostly as an addiction specialist or co-occurring addiction and mental illness.  This is very different.  It is definitely hard to stay in the moment, when you are trying to help 23 people meet their needs. But there is nothing I’d rather do. Finishing that training and THATS a mixed bag. My immediate manager often looks for reasons to fight…and she goes for blood. At first, I thought I had been blessed beyond belief. Then, two weeks later, the fog lifted as she is constantly interrupting and I thought…really thought I was being respectful and requested she allow me to finish answering a question. She took me in the office about an hour after the meeting and tore me up. She let me know where I stood in the food line, and how it would play out in her department.

I am the type of person to admit when I am wrong, or do not apply my filter, but I honestly just wanted to finish my sentence, it was very pertinent, and applied to everyone in the department meeting. The discussion was about the division of funding for government programs and I just wanted to finish saying that the government were releasing 45 million dollars to combat the opioid epidemic and were funding programs for low level offenders to be released to safe housing.

So, after she kind of lifted that veil, even though she accused me of having an attitude, which I can, but did not, and apologized profusely for the misunderstanding, she continued her ruthless attack.

I have a couple of bumper stickers on my car..I obviously need to remove, that peacefully share about my choice in government leadership and one on equality.  She has attempted to start multiple difficult conversations about how her mother legally entered this government, all others, even refugees facing separation or death should also do as her mother did. She ceaselessly tells me I believe is fake news and how there is no injustice, racism, basically I am wrong to feel compassion and should pray.   Her much repetitive philosophy is awaiting the return of Jesus, which may trigger family feelings, as well as constant stealth practice of being calm and accepting.  I am constantly attempting loving kindness. I do like her, respect her as a person and professional,  but have been “told my place” and no longer share about anything not related to work or that could be misunderstood or seem to reflect my perspective.

As for today, it’s just another day. I live with extreme anxiety with crippling panic attacks and clinical depression. I can not communicate with my boyfriend of 5 years about anything difficult because screaming is his default. That in turn, makes me panic.

He is disabled and does not work.  He claims to take care of things at home….he does not.  I brought up something today that unleashed hell.

I am am so stuck. I do not make enough to live independently, have pets and can not find a way out. I make too much for government assistance and would have trouble with the pets if I could. I could live in a very sketchy place alone, but would prefer to not have PTSD flashbacks about things that happen when your choices are limited to probable sexual abuse or crime.

I see see the beautiful person inside, and wish she could help herself the way she helps the people she helps achieve all their dreams at work.

I am am a Debby downer.  How are you?  I’m sorry I did not ask.

Mary

Ok and wow. Mind blowing and much needed support. I feel like nobody wants a train wreck in their life, especially when that’s the mirror image from a youth of shame, guilt, and abuse.

So I became still and really focused on what you said, teachings, experiences (negative and the stolen moments of true inner peace snatched up when they occur), and what needs to change. I came to the knowledge that I refuse and reflect any niceties or complements.  I would not know what to do or even how to process the genuine well wishes. This is absolute learned behavior and survival mode.  Also, the pure essence of change was devastating when I want to control or hold on to anything….I hate being insecure.

Even when you know its abuse, if you have never heard I Love You, you keep bailing them out of jail due to that deficiency from my youth.

But I also know I have outgrown that zip code.  I am lucky enough to have opportunities of service in my life and a lot to learn.  And mostly more to un-learn.

I do think I could use a therapeutic hand in cognition, and want to heal.  But I think I will strive to find someone who is on the path of Dharma and Loving Kindness.

I am very grateful for your response.