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sofiaParticipant
Okay, thank you. I will keep that in mind. I hope none of my behavior has been harmful to anyone.
sofiaParticipantNevermind, I’m sure I’ve never done that before because I’ve never seen someone being assaulted so how would I even do that? I’m just overthinking
sofiaParticipantYes, I have sort, I just feel like I can relate to the disorder so heavily. But I know it would be wrong to say I have the disorder since I haven’t been diagnosed yet. So I don’t know if I do have OCD or not.
Another thing that is causing me a lot of pain is that sometimes when I am scared that I did something horrible, but don’t know if I really did it or not, I will still try to come up with defenses and excuses in my head for this action I don’t even know if I did or not.
What I’m so afraid I’ve done is look away from someone being sexually assaulted/someone I thought might be, being sexually assaulted, as a way of proving to myself that it isn’t a “big deal” or something like that (it’s obviously a very big deal). I have this strong feeling that I have done that. But I can’t remember a circumstance where I did. I don’t know if this is just in my head or not but it feels very real. I ended up trying to make excuses up for it as if I have done that, and I actually had some sort of feeling of relief. Then I felt incredibly guilty for doing that. My mind even compared it to this post I read about someone who saw sexual assault happening and didn’t do anything about it, and this made me feel relief for a second as well.
I’m very sorry for burdening you with all my worries. I just feel like I have to get all this off my chest.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by sofia.
sofiaParticipantI’m sorry I should have clarified that I have not been diagnosed yet. I only think I have it. I haven’t been to psychotherapy yet, but I’ve told my mom about what is upsetting me so much and she says she’s going to find a therapist I can talk to. Also, I’m not on any medication.
sofiaParticipantI don’t think it was anything from my childhood that made me feel like a bad person. My family has always been very loving and I am very lucky for that. I’m not sure if it’s anyone else’s fault except for my own that I feel like I’m not a good person. When I was 11 I started to have intrusive thoughts, and I think that’s when I started to believe I was bad.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by sofia.
sofiaParticipantAnita, I’m sorry to bother you again, but I had another thought cross my mind. Since I feel like I’m wishing for others to do things to others that can cause much pain for the victim, does that mean I should feel pain myself?
- This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by sofia.
sofiaParticipantAnita, I don’t think you know how much those words truly helped me. No one has been able to help me as much as you just did. Thank you.
sofiaParticipantThank you so much Anita, I don’t think I will feel the need to compare anymore. But I still have guilt because I already compared what I did to actual stories of sexual assault/childhood sexual mistakes. Sometimes when I get the feelings of wanting to compare what I did to what someone else did, I’ll even look back at parts of what they said to verify if it’s “worse” than what I did. Does that not count as an action since I acted on an impulse/feeling? It’s as if I want people to do these terrible things.
sofiaParticipantI pushed as if I was trying to pee (I’m sorry that’s the only way I can explain it), I did not do anything that actually involved movement. I just let her lay on my legs.
sofiaParticipantsofiaParticipantThank you Anita, my biggest mistake is very hard to explain since it has a lot to do with OCD I think, but I will copy and paste my mistake from another forum that I posted it on.
“I feel disgusting that this event ever happened and I feel so much guilt and regret when I look back on it. I’ve been able to live my life normally but it still makes me feel horrible everytime I think of it. I’m going to give some context before I tell the story though. Okay so I basically have an OCD sexual obsession for everything you are not supposed to be attracted to. And to make matters worse sometimes when I’m touched by someone I do not want to be attracted to, I feel something down there. I think it might be because of fear, because I do get the same feeling out of fear in other circumstances, and not because of anything sexually related. Anyways, what happened was I was sleeping over at a friend’s house (I was 13 or so) and her little sister jumped on top of my legs, and I think as a compulsion or something I wanted to prove to myself that the feeling I get down there when I get touched by people, I don’t want to be attracted to, is not related to being actually sexually attracted to them and it was just something that happened when anyone touched me. so I tried to get the feeling without realizing that what I was doing was wrong. I kind of pushed like I was trying to pee (I’m really sorry this story is so gross but that’s the only way I can explain it without not making sense?) To try to get the feeling. I don’t think that I thought of it as a sexual thing, and I know for sure I was not doing it for sexual pleasure. It was not like that at ALL. It was purely because I wanted to prove to myself it had nothing to do with sexual attraction. I’m not even sure if it counted as something sexual because I don’t even think what I was trying to do was have a sexual feeling since it was just like an anxious reaction I think. I know this story is probably really confusing and I might sound like a horrible person but I just had to let it off my chest. I accidentally did this two other times (not with the same person) without realizing what I was doing (one of the times was before this specific event and then one shortly after some how),. I don’t know how I made the same stupid mistake 3 times, I honestly just didn’t know what I was doing or something, it’s so weird. I don’t understand how I made the mistake again after feeling incredibly guilty. And then after I did it I would realize what just happened and hate myself. But after the third time I learned my lesson and didn’t forget it. Should I let myself move on or continue feeling guilty?”
I know that might be difficult to understand.. but now I compare myself with people who did worse than what I did. It causes me so much pain. I feel like an actual monster.
- This reply was modified 5 years, 3 months ago by sofia.
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