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I don’t think it was anything from my childhood that made me feel like a bad person. My family has always been very loving and I am very lucky for that. I’m not sure if it’s anyone else’s fault except for my own that I feel like I’m not a good person. When I was 11 I started to have intrusive thoughts, and I think that’s when I started to believe I was bad.
Yes, I have sort, I just feel like I can relate to the disorder so heavily. But I know it would be wrong to say I have the disorder since I haven’t been diagnosed yet. So I don’t know if I do have OCD or not.
Another thing that is causing me a lot of pain is that sometimes when I am scared that I did something horrible, but don’t know if I really did it or not, I will still try to come up with defenses and excuses in my head for this action I don’t even know if I did or not.
What I’m so afraid I’ve done is look away from someone being sexually assaulted/someone I thought might be, being sexually assaulted, as a way of proving to myself that it isn’t a “big deal” or something like that (it’s obviously a very big deal). I have this strong feeling that I have done that. But I can’t remember a circumstance where I did. I don’t know if this is just in my head or not but it feels very real. I ended up trying to make excuses up for it as if I have done that, and I actually had some sort of feeling of relief. Then I felt incredibly guilty for doing that. My mind even compared it to this post I read about someone who saw sexual assault happening and didn’t do anything about it, and this made me feel relief for a second as well.
I’m very sorry for burdening you with all my worries. I just feel like I have to get all this off my chest.
Hello Anita, I’m sorry to bring this back because I haven’t said anything about it for 2 weeks to you, but lately I’ve been stressing because of something I did in the past. It’s kind of similar to the time I tried to have a sensation “down there” to my friend’s little sister. But this time it involved external movement. It was with my cat, I basically did the same thing that I did to my friend’s little sister. Except that I touched my cat’s nose/or let my cat touch my finger. I just know that it involved me moving my hand forward so my cat would sniff my finger.
My intention was not sexual gratification. My intention was to prove to myself the sensation didn’t mean anything. I remember before doing it, I thought something along the lines of “see! it doesn’t mean I’m actually attracted to them, it would happen if any animal or person touched me” so I was trying to prove that the sensation didn’t have any meaning. For some reason, in my mind, I just didn’t think of it as sexual. If I did, I would not have done it. I just wasn’t really thinking when I did it.
This is what I meant when I said that I made this same mistake 3 different times. The other time was with someone washing my hair in a beauty salon, I tried to have the sensation with the same intention that I had with my cat and my friend’s little sister. This was actually the first time I did this, and I remember after I did this, I had this realization of what I tried to do and questioned if I sexually assaulted her. There wasn’t any external movement from me though, so I’ve kind of let this go because it had no effect on her.
I guess my question is, would that even count as a sexual act? or just trying to have a sensation that I didn’t even think of sexual really, I was afraid that it was though. I guess I didn’t really know if it was sexual or not. It was done out of ignorance/impulsivity.
also, I guess this doesn’t actually matter since I didn’t actually do it but, I was thinking if I did this to my friend’s little sister, a worker in a beauty salon and my cat, would that mean I could have done this to a family member? I’m very grateful that I never did, but it upsets me that maybe I would have if they were around me when I was trying to prove to myself that the sensation didn’t mean anything.
I don’t know if you’re going to see this or not, but if you do, I would really appreciate if you could tell me what your perspective on the situation is. Because the only person’s perspective I have on this really is myself, except that I told my sister about this a couple of years ago, and she told me that it’s okay and that we all do weird things sometimes, but I don’t really trust what she said because she was around 16 at the time.
I’m sorry, I was having a rough day yesterday, and I felt like I needed relief, but I know it’s not very effective, so I’ll stop doing that. I have been leaving them out of it for a long time, I was around 12-13. Those were the only times I’ve done anything like that, but I haven’t done any of those things in years. I’m getting professional help soon.
Okay, thank you Anita. My mom was just going to find me a therapist instead of going to a psychiatrist and maybe getting diagnosed, but I do want to know if I have OCD, and if I should be taking medication, so I’ll bring that up to her. I’ll be sure to update after I seek professional help
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