Anita,

Thanks for the compliment, means a lot to me.

He did influenced the way I think a lot and helped me see things in a different perspectives.

By the way, I just need to give you a little update.

One of my close friend who is a business major gave me some news about her major.

KU`s Business School Student Council is apparently in a mess right now, after Gyunnie had resigned from his position last semester, they chose a new president for this semester, but now the new president is also resigning since he is going to study overseas for quite some time (so suddenly, for no reason at all)

A few people, around 7-8 people had also resigned in the middle of this semester as well.

I know that I literally have no business with these people anymore but it saddens me seeing KU`s most prestigious major is turning into this.

No leader, less than 20 members left to organise around 1.500 people and still counting.

I never in particular have any fond memories of student council, and I hated it a lot for giving my ex boyfriend a hard time but I do not know, I feel a bit shaken seeing it like this.

I wish that they can soon elect a new president soon and recruit some new members.

-Monica

Dear not so lost star,

You are welcome to call and refer me as Monica 🙂

I can feel that I am feeling distressed at the moment, my reply to you might be not be as clear or as definite as when I am at a moment where I feel calm.

You wrote : “I see that there are two parts of you being torn here – one part of you buys into what your parents tell you about happiness (having to be successful, marrying well, etc) while one part of you feels that maybe a different life from what your parents have prescribed exists (cos you are feeling the effects of following that path of success which is highly stressful and you are valued based on your achievements, not for you yourself). And your pain comes from trying to reconcile these two parts of yourself.”

I can relate to this sentence very much. The truth is I have no idea what real happiness is, I do not even know how it might feel and I cannot imagine it as well. I do not think that I can even differentiate real happiness vs fake happiness yet.

I know what I wanted to do roughly is to move college to Singapore, and the truth is – it was possible for me to move, you might have read that I talked to my parents about it around 2-3 weeks ago, and they let me (with a very heavy heart as well) to move. I finally decided to went against moving after thinking of a solution, which is to flight back home every time I feel distress or have the urge to move to Singapore.

Yes, plane tickets are expensive (around $600-700 round trip) and there was no such deal before to go home that often but my father agreed, since he was desperate to keep me studying here at KU, moving to Singapore would waste more time and waste even more money. I feel supported by my parents for the first time ever, and that is quite a big thing for me, that my father says that he just does not want to see me give up half way, he will support whatever it takes to get me graduated from KU.

I have been thinking about moving to Singapore, moving to a lower class university there, without having any guarantee that I will live a happier life there or a better jobs prospect, the truth is, my expectations about moving to Singapore is merely an expectations, there is NO way to guarantee that life there would be better than my life here in Korea. I have spent 1 year in this hell country, I feel like one year is a long period and I have suffered during that period as well, those moment of suffering would be a “waste” If I give up in the middle of the way and move to Singapore.

The second big reason is the fact that my current university has a very good reputation and a prestigious university, you can ask any Koreans, there wouldn’t be anyone that does not say “Wow” every time I mention my university, KU has become a part of me and my identity .. and I was not sure and still not sure If I am ready to let that big identity go. I am not sure If I can live saying that I used to be a student there but I gave up.

I did not have the confidence and still does not have the confidence that I will be the happiest and most successful person If I move to Singapore, I feel like forcing myself and my parents to move was a very stupid thing to do when I was not sure. I am still not sure about what I will do in the future as well, all I can think about is living my life the way that I want to, the best that I can.

I get easily irritated by anyone these days, from ambitious people who is hungry for good grades, to my gay friends that keeps talking about his straight crush, to my best friend Jake (whom I still somehow in a sense resented for liking me as more than friends) and I also hate the fact that I cannot even confront him because I cannot afford to lose him as a friend or a companion at this period of my life either.

If I do all the things that I want to do, my life wouldn’t be so nice. I would have a lot of enemies, a lot of anger stares and I would also lose my best friend. I learn that in real life, you cannot do all the things that you want to do. Sometimes, you just have to hold it in and forgive.

I am 19 (almost 2o in 8 days!) and I feel lost. My parents told me that is ok to feel lost now, I can figure it out later and that was one of the most comforting advice that they ever gave me. The consequences of feeling lost is, I often lash out. I have a lot of unexplained anger that stems from being lost, being misunderstood, being alone most of the time, being doubted most of the time, being demanded from society, my own parents, even my friends.

I think that for a very long time, I used to live in a bubble that my parents and my teachers created, once I enter the university, I realise that the bubble has popped off, I found myself alone and unprotected. It is a scary feeling, the feeling of being an adult. I admired the adults for being so brave, for never giving up and continuing their life.

You asked : “What would you say to her it is that you want and desire for?”

I want to be happy and content with my life. Happiness is not bought with money, or defined by grades, or university, happiness is something from within. It does no matter whether it is in Korea or Singapore, I would go wherever there is happiness. Anyplace that can give me happiness and a peace of mind.

The mindset that I have right now is : It is ok. It is ok to be a little late, at the end of the day you are still going to go. Do not compare yourself with others, I just want to walk happily in a path that I want to walk in. If it gets hard in the middle, it is ok to take a rest, because I know that I will get up again. This is just a phase that I will get through someday.

Rather than thinking about success, I think about my well being and my happiness now. Instead of just holding it all without sharing my concerns and anxiety to anyone, I share with my parents now, I try to be as open as possible. If I am having a hard time, I will call them, and book a flight ticket. Currently, I miss my parents very much. My father won’t be in my home country when I get back home next week for my birthday because he has a business trip to New York, I feel very sad. But my mom and my grandma will be there for my birthday and we will go eat whatever that I want! I want to eat seafood. Hehe.

My friends will also celebrate with me, we already made so much plans together for the short 4 days of my stay. They all think that me coming home is very necessary at this kind of period. I do not need going to a fancy restaurant or expensive gifts on my birthday, I just want to go home and relax my mind, and forget my burden and worries that I have in Korea.

Yes, I am not in the best situation but I am not in the worst either.

I believe (or I want to believe) that things will definitely get better in the long run, with the right attitude.

I have hopes that I will be happy again in the future, even happier than when I was 15/16

Thank you for checking up on me and posting on my thread again, means a lot to me. I hope that my explanation above is clear and not confusing. Feel free to ask any kind of question or post any kind of feedback.

-Monica x

Anita,

Wow – sorry to hear about your sister, I hope that she will get better soon.

I wonder why she did not take any of the opportunities presented to her? Sorry if it is too personal but I just cant help but wonder why?

-Monica

Anita,

Lets talk about my male friend issues. I remember putting it off for Gyunnie a few weeks ago, sorry for that.

I was not really comfortable putting on any kind of focus or attention to any other guys but Gyunnie, but now I am comfortable and is willing to talk to you about it. (lets refer the friend as Jake)

Jake was a friend that I have been close with for around 3 years. But we become “really” close only after I moved to Korea this year. We were already close as friends when I was dating Gyunnie, I always refer him as a friend to everyone including Gyunnie. Always.

There is NEVER a moment where I refer him as more or somehow giving him hope that HE is MORE.

To give you a background on Jake, he never fall in love with anyone for 19 years of his life. All of his relationship are “fun” relationships, or basically him picking up any girls that he thinks pretty, dates them and break up.

Jake is not a good looking guy (for me personally) – but he is popular and is a very nice person. He has quite a lot of friends, both girls and guys, but none of them really connect with him on a personal deep level except for me.

It is in my nature to build a deep friendship with someone. I do not have tons of friends, but I have a lot that I can always talk to about ANYTHING. From death to love to marriage to my parents problems, basically I love to explore and talk about deep things in life.

Here is the catch on everything, rather than me liking being admired, I still continue being friends with him because I truly like him as a friend.

I feel like his gender became the problem, not necessarily his personality. If Jake were a girl, I would still be good friends with her, and we would not have such problems. There aren’t a lot of people that I can connect deeply and personally so even one friend is precious to me.

After an improvements on my side after the whole fiasco with Gyunnie ended, my mind became a lot more cleared, I feel like I provided a few informations to you when I was very mad and defensive over someone trying to replace my ex boyfriend so the information does not seems so accurate right now.

He never actually said anything about my “pretty face” or refer me to it or even implying that he is friends with me only because of my face. It was all an assumption that I believed in my mind. Like I have told you above, I have this very negative mindset that all people can see from me are material values and superficial values, I know that they actually see me beyond that, and that is the main reason why we are good friends.

Jake sees that value as well, that he won’t get judge by me, and that I can be very open minded and straight forward when I am close with someone. My close friends are aware they they are always welcome to criticise me about anything and I won’t get offended. It is true. I accept the advice of others when I trust them.

Jake was one my friend that actually cared about me during this 4 months. He even looked up articles about depressed people to help communicate with me, Jake is a very good friend and there are a lot of times when I feel very touched and supported.

I care about Jake as a friend and as a human being, I really do.

I LOVE him as a friend and I LOVE being his friend. I feel like I had found another friend that could lasts for a lifetime thanks to my depression. That was one of the good that comes out of those 4 months, I became closer to Jake (as a friend) and I gained another diamond friend.

The problem is, I think Jake himself is very confused on his feelings about me. He had never fall in love, so he ASSUME that what we have right now is love. My friendship with him was probably his first real relationship (as a human being) that is personal, honest, loyal and constant. I get the sense that even though he has a lot of friends and even though he trusts them as well, our friendship is deeper and more accepting.

We both know that when one of us is at the lowest point, no matter how low, we will help each other. We won’t judge each other and we will definitely support each other. We have that kind of bond.

That friendship bond vs love bond is a very different bond for me.

It is almost impossible for such bond to turn into love.

I like eating both noodle and chocolate. For me noodle is Jake, and chocolate is my boyfriend. I love both but they are different and cannot be combined together.

More than that, I do not feel any attraction to Jake as well.

He is the best friend ever but he is not boyfriend material to me. Do you get what I mean by this?

When it comes to friendship, my standards are : they have to be good people , not a judgmental person, is accepting of me, is fun, is able to carry deep conversation with me. When it comes to their outer appearance, I do not care at all.

When it comes to love, my standards are : he has to be smart (smarter than me if possible), open minded, definitely have to go to a college, he has to be able to lead my future family both financially and socially, he has to treat my parents well, he has to be a logical but kind hearted guy. When it comes to their outer appearance, I care since my preference is skinny guys and guys that dresses well.

Does it makes sense to you that I love him as a friend but I hate him as a partner / boyfriend?

For me, friendship and love has a very different standards and there is a very clear line.

My first love (lets refer him to Ryan) and Gyunnie were good friends to me as well, but they have their limits as friends.

I can tell 80-90 percent of what I am feeling to my boyfriend, while when I am with my best friend, I can almost tell them 100 percent about anything.

I am comfortable with Ryan, Gyunnie and Jake for different reasons.

Ryan and Gyunnie`s support is a lot more intense, as they are biased with their love to me, my boyfriend often went out of their way to defend and help me with any problems, they are that one special person in my life because you can only have 1 boyfriend, right? While you can have a few best friends.

Jake`s support is steady and unbiased, he is not wiling to go out of his ways and lose friends just to defend me, he is willing to help but not get directly involved with my problems while my boyfriend are willing to.

That is how I see it. Jake is the perfect best friend but not a suitable partner for me.

My question are :

1. How can I make Jake understands this?

2. Jake has never directly confessed, so me bringing this out to him first would be very rude and presumptuous.

3. I have described everything in details, do you think I am wrong for having a very clear standards and put Jake on the friend-zone?

4. I still want to continue being his friends, as I like being his friend and I appreciate him as my best friend. I want him to understand what we have (as friends) is as good as a love relationship, and that i love both my friends and boyfriend in a very different way, but what I am feeling for BOTH of them are indeed love in a different perspective and aspect.

5. Even If I am attracted to him, our relationship won’t work out, our personality is way too different and I already “knew” too much about him, both bad and good things, because we have a very deep and personal relationship as friends already.

Sorry if it is too long, too much unnecessary details as well but I feel like people cannot really understand why cant I date Jake but still want to be his friend

-Monica

Anita,

Yes, I understand.

Thanks for the detailed explanation, it means a lot to me.

I do not want to die anymore, I still have quite a few personal goals and dreams that I definitely want to do in the future. I can sense hope now.

You wrote :

“It means you don’t have hidden agendas, that you state your motives honestly, clearly.”

Can you explain about this?

—

I understand that for 4 months, I was closing myself from everyone, even my closest friends and parents.

I realise that it is not because I was too tired to explain, it was because I was afraid that they would not understand me.

It was really tiring for me, rejecting everyone that cares about me, because I was so angry … and anger is a self-defense for me to reject them before they reject me.

But if I never give those people a chance how can I find out whether they accept or reject me?

I admit that as of right now, I am still not ready to give new people chances. and that I still use anger as a self-defense and I  avoid social related events with a lot of different strangers in order not to get hurt or be shaken up mentally (considering how sensitive and vulnerable I am to critics and negative views)

I guess that I was very hurt badly (mentally) during those 4 months, I cannot remember any moment during those 4 months where I was truly happy and did not think about my ex boyfriend or KU. I cannot think of a moment where I did not feel like I was in hell.

Right now, I am not in heaven but I am not in hell anymore.

I reached out to my close friends in my home country and also my parents, they know about my current situation very well right now and is willing to take on a compromise and let me go home when I feel distressed.

I do not feel alone anymore.

I really feel their sincere support for me.

The thing is, the aftermath of all those things that happened during those 4 months was so deeply integrated inside.

Yes, most of these issues I already had before but it became somehow bigger and more intense after it.

I want to re-integerate to the real society, but a lot of the after effects of that 4 months is taking a toll as well.

-Monica

I understand that you are trying to make go see my own value beyond KU, my clothes, my boyfriend etc

My value as a human being.

But sometimes I wonder why people are friends or why my ex boyfriends took a like on me at all..

Is it really because of my value as a human being or is it because I am pretty?

Because I have money and I am smart?

Or because I dress well?

I asked this to Gyunnie once. He was honest, said that he took interest at me first because I was pretty but he told me a pretty face is never enough for him to date someone.

He told me even if I am fat or ugly, he would still date me if I have this same exact personality.

He was probably the 2nd person that saw my “human being” value other than my best friend for 6 years, Jessica.

-Monica

[MORE]

Anita,

I have also noticed how negative I am these days. I do not know if it is me or other people.

Like I have told you before, I have not found someone here in Korea that I can connect and hang out with everyday

I have friends, most of them consider me as “good friends” but little do they know that I do not even consider them as a friend.

I know, it sounds very mean and hurtful, but I just do not see a connection with them at all.

At this point in my life, I think that my picky personality has become even more difficult to approach by others.

Even last semester, when I was a lot more happier and was dating Gyunnie, having a quite stable and happy social life with everyone including the Koreans, I was already sensitive.

I did not like it when people “boss” me around when it comes to group projects, but I did not want to “lead” either (I want everyone to take leads EQUALLY) or when I meet someone that has a personality that is different from me, I would took distance and think badly of them. I went out a lot of times to meet with Korean seniors and do some foreigners club activities which includes basically hanging out with the Koreans that has interest on foreign culture and are open to us. I did an exchange language program for a little while as well, I met a lot of nice people. Even though my major people does not accept foreigners, I do not care. I just forced myself to went with them, whether they accept or not, it is their business.

I tried the hardest out of all foreigner freshman last semester. I stopped trying after I met Gyunnie. I was so tired of not being accepted, and the fact that WHEREVER I GO, I have to be the one trying.

These feelings manifested itself into a negativity inside of me.

Today I was offended and hurted by something that my friends had said, it was something small and super silly but it ruined my whole mood for the day. I immediately called my good friend Henderson and Patricia (in my home country), cursing my friends (in Korea) out and being super emotional about it. Here is what it was about :

There is this “freak” guy in KU that speaks like 20 languages or something, and I get to know this person last semester. He was super weird but I did not really mind to be a distant acquaintance, but unfortunately we shared the same building (same time but different class) last semester so I often met him in that building. He would ALWAYS talk to me, again at first, I did not mind but I was already kind of annoyed because he would speaks in a super weird accent and would not let me speak at all. It was not a conversation, but more like me listening to his stupid lame ass stories that I do not want to hear at all.

He basically spoke garbage to everyone and he is a KNOWN weirdo in my home country community, once he stared at my butt and ASKED me to turn around to show HIM my BUTT. It was super creepy, I told the stories to my home country friends and they said that he is indeed a creep, they told me to walk away and say nothing if he ever approaches me again. Please note that ALL my home country friends do this, they say nothing and walked away when he talks. At first I also thought that it is a bit mean but since I was also personally offended when he stared at my butt I proceed to ignore him today.

I was with my 2 other friends from Vietnam and Mexico and we accidentally bumped into this freak. I ignored and walked away while my 2 others friends stayed and “talked” to him. My 2 friends also ADMIT that he is a freak but from the way that they speak, they are definitely accepting and is open minded to the idea of being friends with him. I was called “rude” today for walking away and ignoring him. That I have no manners, according that Mexican girl.

I do not know if it is indeed ME or MY CULTURE that is the problem. In my home country, such freaks would not even have any friends. In my home country, when I do this to someone, the only critics that my friends will say is that “Monica, you are being a bit too mean.” but they would laugh with me and gossip about him, they would NEVER say anything like what my 2 friends had said to me.

And please do not get the wrong idea that I am a “bully” because I would never do that If I do not have any valid reasons. Yes, a lot of the times, I have a very judgmental and bitchy attitude towards people that I do not know very well which indeed backfires a lot. I am almost 20 now, I need to get rid off this bad “side” of me. I understand that I need to be more open but I feel like this is a part of me and my culture and it will never change.

My standard and the way I think about who is “pretty” and who is “ugly” or who is “nice” and who is “freak” – is a PART of me. I cannot change it.

Maybe there is something wrong with me, but because of these little things, it makes me think about not socialising at all next semester, it would be better than having to fake socialise and suffer their judgments.

-Monica

Anita,

You wrote : “This is why you value brand name clothes and purses and such, why you valued Gyunnie as much as you did, because he was a local in K, a Korean, the head of the student council.”

This is correct. I think throughout my life, I always use my education, my looks and my boyfriend to gain and define any social value that I have. People (Koreans) does not even know my name but they know me as “that foreigner that dress well and whose boyfriend is the president of student council in Business school”

I do not want to define myself like that … but it has been like that since 19 years. I seek validation from my looks, education and my partner. I used to seek validation from “cool” friends as well, until I realise what is “cool” is to be friends with everybody regardless of their looks and social position.

I learnt it the hard way for that one. Even now, I still judge people silently. A lot, almost everyday. From their boyfriends that looks like a total loser to me, to their weird fashion choices that looks so cheap, even my best friends parents that never let their kids to go overseas, I judge everyone when I feel like they are not up to my standards.

I remember one incident worth remembering, Gyunnie was going to introduced me to his best friend, he is not a KU student, so I have never met him before. Before we met, I was so nervous and so self conscious about what I should wear. I talked and expressed it to Gyunnie, he told me to just relax – that his best friend won’t judge someone based on their appearance at all. That his friend is really nice and open minded as well.

Gyunnie joked about it and told me that “Ah .. you are my girlfriend after all, you overthink just like I do.”

I realise now that it was not overthinking, it is worrying and concerning about what others think of you. Because you put emphasises in your reputation. Gyunnie is also like that, he just does not realise it yet, like how I was before I talked to you.

Gyunnie became the president of student council because of someone (his senior) during high school. That senior went to KU and became the president, that was one of the main reason why Gyunnie was so unhappy during his studies in KU. He was merely following a validation that he wanted to get from that senior of his. That he was able to do all things that he did. That they are equal. Gyunnie told me now that he had done all those things that his senior did, his senior does not seem so big and so important anymore.

I guess it is true that we attract a partner that reflects ourselves, a perfect case for me and Gyunnie.

You wrote : “Another problem is that the reputation you hold at one point is easily lost. Gyunnie left K and as you wrote before, he is a nobody there (your word)”

I agree with this. Well, maybe not “nobody” but he was someone at least. and he is still respected in a sense perhaps. I do not know how people sees Gyunnie now. He did not even finished his term as the president, I imagine a lot of rage from Koreans. Maybe they are mad, maybe they are upset and disappointed. I have no idea. It is not my major, you have to ask Business people major for that.

You wrote : “Well, maybe the way is to change what you value. I figure, if valuing reputation works for you, brings you peace of mind, then hold on to it. But if it doesn’t, then it is up to you to reconsider, evaluate, perhaps.”

Valuing reputations WORKED for me in the past, before I came to Korea. I had a reputation, and that reputation was something that I put a lot of hard work and efforts on. Putting the same hard work and efforts here does NOT work. People are better, prettier, smarter and nicer than me. I have NO reputation. No reputation = no self esteem. Gyunnie created MY self esteem when we were dating. It worked, Anita. People went like “WOW” when I told them whose my boyfriend, they respected me and talked to me. Even asked for my help.

It sounds superficial and shallow but people VALUES those shallow things. Like your status, your clothes and purses brand. and most importantly your education.

-Monica