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Mina

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Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 246 total)
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  • in reply to: daily letter of mina #175357
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    I understand, thanks for explaining.

    You refuse to communicate with a person that somehow manipulates and is not honest in giving information and you also do not want me to come here (talk to you) just to relieve my distress.

    I understand completely, again – I apologise. You might not accept it, I cannot blame you for not believing my apology, but I really am sorry, I was not aware that I was being manipulative and use a lot of words that offended you, and put you in an uncomfortable situation that made you suffered.

    Thank you for all these time for communicating with me, those words are never meant in any way to hurt anyone, especially you. If I had known, I would have never posted such things. Thanks for being a friend since last June, I appreciate it, very much. Thank you. There were times when you were the only one who believed in me and support me. I hope you believe that my last post here is sincere, you are welcome not to reply to this post as well, as I respect your decision to not talk to me.

    I will no longer post here, it was really nice talking to you. I hope you stay well, wishing you the best in your life.

    -Monica

     

     

    in reply to: daily letter of mina #175339
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    Sorry to make you feel like I was for “seeking” attention from your part,

    that was not my intention.

    The first post was I did not feel like it was a temper tantrum, as it was based on facts, that he did indeed purchased the concert ticket.

    and it made me felt a lot of things, and yes indeed I have talked to you regarding how his actions affected my feelings.

    Again, I apologise for somehow making you feel uncomfortable regarding the whole Patrice`s thing as well.

    The thing with my mom was true. She did suffered from depression and went to see a psychiatrist, that is why she let me see one and understood me.

    I never have any intentions to make you feel like an “audience” in my life drama, really.

    You might not believe me, but If I do this just to get attention … I would not be here. I would just seek attention somewhere else, in real life.

    The Patrice thing, I genuinely wanted to help her, I do not see anything wrong with it.

    Yes, you might laugh seeing how “unstable” I am yet I still want to help my best friend in her situation, I get it. It is funny.

    I completely understand of you being tired of hearing me, of reading all of  my “temper tantrums” as well.

     

    It genuinely hurts me when you told me that I throw tantrums to get “attention” … for what?

    I think I seek attention from Gyunnie not from you, and to get it, I can just easily post on my social media, creating a drama of some sort and I will definitely get it,

    and I have never done such things, ever.

    Why would I seek attention in a website here?

    Those “temper tantrums” are genuinely how I felt. I posted here because I genuinely wants advices, and help.

    I just feel like I connect with you pretty well, that is why sometimes when I post I do not think it through, I thought that this website is not some sort of a place where you have to think everything throughly before you post.

    A lot of people posts when they are not in a “stable” situation as well.

    If you think that the last 2 posts are temper tantrums, it is ok. It is your opinion, but I think I should make it clear that it was not my intention.

    -Monica

     

     

    in reply to: daily letter of mina #175307
    Mina
    Participant

    [VERY IMPORTANT UPDATE]

    I just talked to my mother, because my head was hurting so bad from all the stress.

    I was in a “distress” mode, so maybe that was why my head hurt so much.

    I asked for her permission to go see a psychiatrist when I go back home next week, I was very skeptic about it. I have mentioned that there are a lot of stigmas regarding mental illnesses here in Asia,

    so a lot of parents won’t allow their children to go see such doctors.

    One of my best friend, Patricia, suffered from depression as well … but her parents are simply hell to her.

    Her parents does not allow her to go see a psychiatrist because it is embarrassing for the family, her father is a misogynist that treated her brother like a prince while she is being treat like trash, I realise that her situation is 100x worse than mine.

    I still at least have my parents with me.

    I was wrong about them, I doubted and assume that they won’t understand me ever but I was wrong.

    My mother opened up to me that during her 20s, she was also depressed and got treated by a psychiatrist.

    I was … very surprised. My mother seems stable, seems always happy, and she is certainly not the type to “embarrass” the family by seeing a psychiatrist, especially during 1990s, when it was negatively stigmatised.

    My mother must have had a very very hard time, just like I am right now.

    Comparing my situation to Patrice, I should never ever complain … I feel so overwhelmed that I cried.

    Patrice, just like how I was, is current living in a delusion.

    She hates her own father, but claims that she wants to be like her mom when she grew up.

    But from her story, her mother is far from supportive,

    She expressed her desire to move college, she got rejected. Her mother does not even listen. Her brother asked to change college, and her parents immediately reacted to it.

    Her parents always blame her for her brothers mistake as well.

    Even when she expressed how she is depressed, her parents again does not listen.

    Refuses to understand. Refused to even let her go see a doctor and get proper treatment.

    I want to help her so badly, Anita.

    How hell her life must be right now.

    -Monica

     

    in reply to: daily letter of mina #175305
    Mina
    Participant

    *did not post correctly

    in reply to: daily letter of mina #175303
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    Today was not a great day for me.
    I heard news about Gyunnie. He is coming to Seoul to watch a concert of his favorite rapper – I know that he is a big fan of the rapper and been wanting to watch his concert, but it kills me … so much.
    I fall apart, seeing his post about how excited he is that he even posted his concert ticket.
    He is willing to take a 3 hour train ride from his hometown to Seoul to watch that concert.
    He is … happy.
    He is …. doing well. He’s alive.
    He’s probably the happiest in his life right now, without me or KU bothering him.
    He got accepted in his long time dream university, he got his parents support and he is just living his life to the fullest.
    While I am here. I am stuck.
    I lied to you, to him, even to myself. I don’t want him to be happy or ok.
    I want him to suffer, even as little as 1/10 of what I am feeling.
    I wish him to feel THIS pain that I am feeling.
    I am begging, pleading, wishing that he is not okay but he is more than okay, he is HAPPY with his life.
    I’ve been denying this for a very long time.
    Why is it like this?
    Why am I the only one suffering?
    Feeling an unberable amount of pain, alone?
    Fighting a lonely battle with myself, fighting everyone else that has something else to say about Gyunnie.
    Why can’t I live like Gyunnie, why can’t I take care and be nice to myself?
    Why can’t I do what he wanted me to do, to move on and be well?
    I am NOT well. Very far from it.
    I feel pathetic, I feel sad for myself.
    I cannot even be “well” to honour his last words to me, If I really did loved Gyunnie, I should have been able to do that.
    Why did I stayed as a dissapointment to him and to myself until the very end?
    Why?
    I genuinely thought what I feel for Gyunnie is a part of the delusions that I was feeling during those 4 months… and that it’d would dissapear once I lost the delusions.
    I realise that what I feel is reality.
    It’s real.
    It’s not a delusion that I created, and probably the only thing that’s real is my love for him.
    Sometimes, a lot of times, I wished that my love was also a delusion.
    So I won’t be in so much pain.
    I am not sure if you remember or not, but everyday – I wished that I can turned back time.
    I’d stopped him from going out drinking (the event that made him lost his watch, and him taking it as a sign that he should move to Y Uni) – I wish that I had cried and pleaded him not to go that day.
    Maybe things would be different.
    I wish that I wasn’t so clingy and needy to him, maybe he wouldn’t have left me.
    Anita….
    There are so many “maybes” and “I wish” in my life.
    So many things I could have done better during our relationship.
    That maybe can save our relationship.
    I am desperate, to let him go but I cannot.
    Please. Give me advices.

    P.s : another bad news… lately I’ve been wanting to go back to “Mina” – Kim Mina. I want to feel close to him. Taking his last name. I know that what I feel right now is not right. I know.

    -Monica

     

    in reply to: daily letter of mina #175247
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    I understand your point.

    When I feel that intense distress, and I turn into fantasies and lashing out = Rejecting the distress

    But by feeling it, no matter how hard, or how painful, without resorting to fantasy and lashing out = Accepting it

    I have a bad habit of resorting to the fantasy by looking out old pictures, old conversation in my phone, even keeping a really old receipt from our last date … and I look at those little things as a fantasy/ escape during my distress moment.

    So are you suggesting to STOP looking or keeping those things?

    or do you have any other suggestions or advices that might work to stop the fantasy?

    and regarding the lashing out,

    I do not know how I can control it, the rage and the anger – I am very sensitive.

    Too sensitive, I have to admit.

    Little things gets to me, as little as missing out a class today, I had a mental breakdown over it.

    During those mental breakdown, I would cry, feeling like everything is ruined …

    I missed ONE class, and I genuinely think that my life here is over.

    I immediately wanted to talk to Gyunnie, wanted him to hug me and comfort me. Wishing, crying, begging that somehow God would listen and let me meet him again.

    I fell asleep (for 1 hour) from being too tired from the crying, and when I woke up, I felt ok.

    It was weird … when I felt fine (calm) – I did not understand why I had acted the way I did before I fell asleep.

    -Monica

     

    in reply to: daily letter of mina #175225
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    So by lashing out and turning into fantasies, I am rejecting the distress, correct?

    -Monica

    in reply to: daily letter of mina #175049
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    You wrote : “when you feel very uncomfortable, distressed, it is then that you need to endure that distress, that discomfort without panicking, without lashing out, without resorting to fantasy.”

    I understand the concept, but how can I do this?

    How can I control this really intense feeling of distressed that comes in every 3-4 weeks consistently?

    All that I have been doing this time to “control” the distress is either by lashing out or by making up another comforting fantasy, as if the Gyunnie’s fantasy was not enough, I even dreamt of my first love … my mind always resorted to “fantasy” every time I feel the amount of intense distressed that I cannot mentally handle.

    You wrote :”during the distress means to feel it and do nothing.”

    So, I have to ignore the feeling of distress?

    But how can I ignore something so intense and pushing me to my limits?

    The real reason why I resorted to the fantasy in the first place is because my mental is not strong enough to somehow handle it.

    I feel lost about this.

    -Monica

     

    in reply to: daily letter of mina #175027
    Mina
    Participant

    [MORE]

    I feel like there are times when it is ok, bearable for me to live here.

    Not happy, but I am not really depressed.

    I get through my classes just fine, I am doing well in here academically as well.

    All I have right now is my parents, I am not feeling so alone anymore because my parents understands and supports me through this.

    I am not sure If I can last from November 6th until December 25th, can I handle the distress between those time?

    I feel bad asking for another plane ticket to go back home between those time, I feel so … weak. It is not even 2 months yet I do not have the confidence that I will survive.

    I do not know what to do, I will probably have to talk to my father as well regarding this.

    -Monica

    in reply to: daily letter of mina #175009
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    Maybe he is still a God to me after all.. maybe.

    You wrote : “There is no substitute, long term, for you enduring your distress in KU, if you are to remain there. Enduring it without the temper tantrums and without the fantasy.”

    So you are saying that in order for me to be able to stay here at KU, I would either have a temper tantrum (maybe lashing out?) or holding on to the fantasy and memory of Gyunnie.

    Am I understanding you correctly?

    I need to lash out / throw a tantrum or holding on to this fantasy in order to survive here?

    That explains the current situation then, that my moment of “calmness” only lasts 3-4 weeks maximum, and after that – I have to go home for a short period of time to somehow “survive” and endure things here at KU.

    Please give me feedback on how can I possibly substitute long term. Maybe a new boyfriend, that is long term?

    Someone that is able to stay by my side for 3 years until I finished my studies here?

    -Monica

     

    in reply to: daily letter of mina #174985
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    Hi!

    Today .. I feel a sense of longing.

    Not the intense kind, but I just feel super lonely, and I miss talking to Gyunnie so much.

    I really do want him to be happy, I do.

    But I cannot deny the feelings that I miss him, and I want to be with him. So badly.

    There are millions of guys out there, yet why do I keep feeling like it is going to be hard to find someone better?

    It hurts me, I do not want to hang on to him, and I want to smile, I want to be happy, not because of my current situation, but because I found real love in someone and he taught me an important lesson.

    A lesson worth remembering and smiling over, you know?

    I know that it is in the past, and it does not exist anymore but why cant I control my own feelings?

    Yes, it is my pain that I am feeling, not Gyunnie`s.

    And I have to put the focus back on me, not him.

    But sometimes it can be really hard to remember those advices.

    -Monica

     

    in reply to: daily letter of mina #174651
    Mina
    Participant

    [MORE]

    And I also want to ask you this.

    Why do you always “let me” to somehow continue doing something that is not actually “right” for me?

    For example when I was living inside my delusional world, I told you that I was not ready to let this fantasy world end, and you told me to take my time, slowly.

    That you “let me” and told me that it is “ok” to continue living there until I was ready to face reality.

    Same in this case, I use “Gyunnie” to go on when I feel distressed, and you told me that is ok to do such things.

    Other people would have force me to snap out if and stop using those ways of coping but you always let me to take my time slowly, and that means a lot to me.

    Instead of trying to push Gyunnie out of the picture completely, I think you understand the process of de-attaching myself from him took time, and there was no health way of de-attaching someone from another person by forcing them, you let them slowly but surely to take a small distance and steps … without removing that important figure all at once.

    Regardless of your reason, thank you.

    -Monica

    in reply to: daily letter of mina #174649
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    Happy to hear that you think it is ok for me to do this.

    I was concerned because I feel a bit guilty for using Gyunnie (again) to help me get through a stressful period.

    I feel like I should have do it for myself and only for me, not for him, you know?

    I know that what I am doing right now is not exactly right and fair to myself but since it worked, I will continue to do that.

    -Monica

    in reply to: daily letter of mina #174635
    Mina
    Participant

    Anita,

    I have to admit it is deeper than that, more than the fact that I invested myself in KU in general – I invested myself in Business School because of Gyunnie.

    A lot of my close friends here are Business major, Gyunnie`s seniors (Business major) knows me very well, I have a very good relationship with Business major people even now.

    I was emotionally involved when Gyunnie felt stressed out about organising a snack event before the mid term, there was a huge fight whether to provide vegetarian food or not with the other student council member, and Gyunnie was restricted with a tight budget (although Business school budget has the highest budget among other major, all my major provided during snack event was some Korean traditional snacks, while Business school provided food like Burger, Sandwich, Pizza and Cola)

    I helped Gyunnie ordering like 30 pans of Pizzas, and he needed to get some kind of a big discount to save budget so we had to buy it on a Tuesday and had to pick it up ourselves. Yes. 30 pans. You read it correctly.

    I have mentioned how I let Gyunnie`s position as the president of student council defines me, it became my self esteem.

    I was the student council president`s girlfriend. That validated me as a person.

    Even now truthfully, it still validates me in a sense. Every time I feel distressed or when I do not have any confidence, I would tell myself this :

    “Monica, stop embarrassing yourself and Gyunnie. Lift up your head. Straighten your shoulders. Walk. Walk confidently. You were Business School`s president girlfriend. You are his ex girlfriend now, and even though Gyunnie is no longer here, you are still here. Do not let it show, Gyunnie was liked and respected by a lot of people. By being happy and being “normal” –  you are honouring Gyunnie’s legacy and reputation. You do not want people to remember Gyunnie as that president who had a crazy ex girlfriend. Stay strong. You can do this. ”

    It sounds … bad probably but this mantra works for me somehow.

    -Monica

     

     

     

     

    in reply to: daily letter of mina #174611
    Mina
    Participant

    Dear not so lost star,

    I feel happy reading your feedback, thank you very much.

    AND where did you learnt that aja aja hwaiting phrase? hahaha

    I know that I will have a fantastic weekend in my home country, I hope everything goes well.

    -Monica

Viewing 15 posts - 1 through 15 (of 246 total)