Dear Anita,

Happy Holidays 🙂 I love your effort with the heart emoji haha the effort means more than the heart.

Thank you for taking the time to think of me on your thanksgiving.

I read your whole post first, and feel like we are on the right track, I think I have entered a new stage of facing this trauma and projection of it onto N. The beginning of this year started with me blaming N for my feelings, then I became aware that not all these feelings were warranted for the present situation, confused/frustrated/triggered I came here. Talking all these things through I feel I am at a stage where I am taking responsibility for feelings that are not mean to be directed at N, but F in another timeline. Taking responsibility is my new stage.

“– Only part of you knew that he didn’t mean for you to feel transactional and abandoned. The other part of you.. is not so sure, is it? I am quite sure that he didn’t mean it, and I know that he is not at all responsible for you feeling transactional and abandoned. Part of you holds him responsible.”

Yes, part of me holds him responsible, but I do not want to. The illusion of the projection of F into N is very convincing and often hard to argue, I am suspicious and find little things that points an arrow/projects something F did into N. It is hard for  me to tell if it is a projection or if he is actually behaving similar to my father. But I am having a hard time trusting myself and the distinction between the two, because the part of me that would fall for my dads dishonesty scares me that it will just as easily happen again. How am I suppose to truly know the difference between manipulation/dishonesty and truth?

“To stop getting triggered by him, you’d have to take full responsibility for feeling transactional and abandoned, a feeling that dominated a significant part of your growing up years. Way before you met N for the first time.”

Yes exactly, however I think here is a space where I get confused; to stop being triggered by F I had to take full responsibility for feeling transactional (a new word that has popped up in the vocabulary about my dad and very accurate) and abandoned, this feeling of taking responsibility has a very specific feeling to it. It is humbling, it makes me feel weak, and it makes me feel like a little kid being scolded… So when I take responsibility for feeling transactional and abandoned by N, it cues the same feelings of humility, weak, and scolded like a child. This feeling reminds me of how my dad made me feel, and the familiarity is confusing because it used to indicate me being manipulated, doubt in my own instincts that he was right and my feelings were wrong. So when I need to take responsibility for a feeling such as feeling transactional by N, how do I get the validation that I did the right thing and that he wasn’t in fact transactional? and validation that I didn’t compromise who I am in order to just stop being triggered?

I actually have a recent example of taking responsibility and feeling this way. The night before thanksgiving we went to get groceries together. We stopped for dinner first, then on our drive to the grocery store he was angry at a bad driver and called them the C word. This word makes me very uncomfortable, I have told him this numerous times. I told him again that it made me uncomfortable and to please not. He proceeded to say it again… he kept saying “oh the word c*** bothers you? I am not calling you and c***” just kept saying it. I called him an asshole for doing that and said the fact he continued to say it even though it made me uncomfortable was not loving and how you treat someone. He said “words don’t mean sh*t, get that through your head or you will be controlled by them the rest of your life” I don’t know why he was being so harsh, he was really annoyed at me for being impacted by “just letters.” We had a whole argument about it and one familiar feeling I had with him right then, familiar from F, was that I couldn’t explain to him why the word made me uncomfortable. I roughly said, it is more than a word it has a misogynistic historical reference and it held weight. He rolled his eyes. He lectured me about how he doesn’t let anything outside of him have control over him and how I should do the same and not let a simple word ruin our evening. He said “you get upset about things that don’t matter and I am tired of it.” By now we were in the store parking lot and he was trying to get out to go in and I could not bring myself to get out of the car with him, I felt completely repelled by him and wanted to shop separately if he was gonna be this way. He softened his tone and said “do you want to be controlled by a word?” I don’t want to be, but in that moment I felt similarly to when my dad would manipulate me into believing my feelings were invalid. Confused I just agreed that a word/letters should not control me. I do actually still agree with that. But reflecting back I do not agree with him that “words don’t mean anything” what is prayer then? It is not the letters and words, because language does not matter, it is the backing behind the words that DOES hold weight. I just don’t have the energy to bring this up cause I am tired of arguing with him about these things, we have been arguing more than usual the past couple weeks.

Yesterday morning I took him to a got yoga class, it was very nice and puts me in a good headspace, but I was pulled right out of it by an interaction with him. We went into the grocery store because he wanted some electrolytes following our class. He also grabbed a case of glass water bottles he liked and when we got to checkout looked at me cause he didn’t have his wallet. I am not in a place of spending $20 on water but I felt obligated because of how much he has paid for me over the past year, and also felt he was looking at me like it was completely within reason that I owed him, after all, and I regret, I was not able to pay him rent most months I lived with him and I fear it has set us on a rocky financial road. He said at the time it was so absolutely okay and he encouraged me to quit my Verizon job, then when I was on unemployment I could only afford groceries and the rest he encouraged me to spend on my art. But now it is as if he resented me doing that, which I feel is unfair. Anyways, at the store for the $20 water I pulled out cash from my wallet, I sold some furniture online and had some cash from my last paycheck. He looked at me in absolute distrust, which I guess I deserve, he said “um where did you get all that cash?” I answered “from the offerup furniture” he did the math and realized I had $20 more than that, he said “no that’s not all where it came from where did it come from?” honestly his suspicion made me anxious and I forgot that my boss payed me in cash for a portion of my paycheck, so I said I couldn’t remember. He got so suspicious of me! I was so uncomfortable it reminded me of my financial relationship with my dad where I was co-dependent and questioned. I said “I don’t remember” he said “that’s suspicious you never have money and now you just have cash?” It was right then that I remembered it was from my last paycheck, but his tone was so off putting that I responded “I am not going to tell you, you are asking me with so much distrust, you cannot demand that from me, you can just trust me.” He was very irritated. When he is irritated he puts on this act like nothing is wrong, it’s incredibly annoying but I am getting used to it. He asked if anything was wrong and I was like “yea I don’t like how you are talking to me, accusing me of doing something shady, asking me questions like I am untrustworthy” I told him his energy was bringing me down and he was being negative he then said “you never have money and now you do and me asking makes me an a**hole? You know what, f**k you.” This immaturity just put me so off. We didn’t speak the rest of the drive but I wasn’t even upset I was just confused and disappointed. We got home and I took a long shower. I came to the conclusion that he probably saw my finances as affecting him as well and that is where the concern came from. I also concluded that I had a bad relationship with money from my father so that is probably why I had anxiety and forgot. Him getting so frustrated and me not telling him was all just immaturity and miscommunication. I was no longer upset about the situation but I am just tired of these little arguments chipping away at our days together and both of our daily energy.

“You’ve been suspicious of him for a long time. No wonder you had such a difficult time when you lived with him.. Living with a Suspect, always on guard..?”

This is what it felt like, but I also knew I was being suspicious and tried my best to not be, but I couldn’t help but pick up on things. I started to put my headphones on when I went to our room so that I couldn’t hear him talking with our roommate, because for some reason if he was just taking care of himself and that made him later to bed I wasn’t bothered, but the second I heard him talking to our roommate and realized that was why he wasn’t in the room with me early enough to talk before bed, I would get triggered. So having the headphones stopped me from knowing and getting triggered. But they both have very deep voices I could hear if they talked loudly so even that did not always work.

(I will respond to the rest of your post in my next reply)

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

I am responding to the rest of your post from November 14, 2023 at 10:23

“But if the child is there all by herself (akin to an adult who is completely identified with her inner-child, no distance/ separation  between the two), the child will not make sensible choices for herself.”

I have been using this visual a lot the last couple days. However, how do you tell the voices apart at times. For example right now, N is planning to bring over dinner and spend the eve with me tonight. Some part of me wants him to come, a hug sounds nice, his smile and cuddles and eating together all sound good. Another part of me wonders if him coming over is best, if I need to be alone, I feel a little anxious that he will trigger me in some way and I just feel susceptible to that right now. Does hatchling want to tell N not to come? Or is it Seaturtle who wants to protect hatchling and tell N not to come? in other words who wants him to come for a hug and comfort, Seaturtle or hatchling? when I am conflicted in this way, are my teetering thoughts between Seaturtle and hatch or is there more at play?

“- hatchling needs to be free to be herself (to be known to herself and to others) in every context, every day. She gets to be herself when drawing, painting and acting in a play, but she needs more opportunities to be her true self.. opportunities to discover who she is (to become known to herself).”

Yes I feel this. Although I know who I am to an extent as I wrote above, I still freeze and forget who I am. Sometime I will carve to just do “something” anything! that makes me feel like me, but I freeze up and don’t know what to do. I can’t afford to go to the craft store and I am not in the mood for what I have around, I have felt this paralyzing sensation before and need more things that make me feel like my true self, discovering those things is where I feel I am now.

” If indeed, hatchling’s experience with her father is as significant to her as I believe it is, then the personal attention she needs is to be heard, to be able to tell her story as it truly is.”

Exactly, hearing her is where I am now. But As I wrote earlier about who I am, can I know who I am and still struggle to hear hatchling? Or do you need to fully be in-tuned and have a good relationship with hatchling to know who you are?

“– it may be that you are compensating your father for having a different daughter (different from F) by giving your father a similar future son-in-law  (similar to your father). It may be that you are giving yourself the freedom to be different from your father because of this exchange.”

Very possible.

“– my understanding: hatchling has been trying so hard to gain her father’s approval by behaving in ways that would gain his approval, ways that didn’t feel true to her, or didn’t yet feel true to her (hatchling needed time and opportunities to become her true, genuine self).  “

Hmm, so what if instead of picking someone who would put me in the cage like F, what if to an extent I was “trying so hard to gain her father’s (N’s) approval by behaving in ways that would gain his approval” . When I met N, I did not want to conform for someone to like me, and I was very aware of this tendency, but what if at some point I just unknowingly fell back into this pattern and tried to be what he wanted for his approval. Hm I have to think more about this idea..

“Whenever she succeeded in getting F’s (temporary, conditional) approval, she said to herself something like: he didn’t approve of the true me, he approved of the fake me. The result: even when you received his approval at any one time, you never received approval for who you truly were/ who you were yet to be.”

Very accurate.

As I was writing this final response I felt nervous that it was going to overwhelm you with how much I have written. Please don’t feel like you need to rush to respond or to too much at once. Thank you 🙂

Seaturtle and hatch

Dear Anita, this is a Journal entry about my weekend 🙂

I am feeling rejuvenated today. My rejuvenation began Sunday night. My mom stayed from Friday noon until 4pm Saturday, she saw my Friday night performance. Saturday night was nice and short. I will elaborate on Friday and Saturday after I talk about Sunday, as it was when I had some major self reflection and want to talk about first 🙂 So Sunday was a heavy day. I hadn’t seen N yet, other than a breakfast with my mom on Saturday morning, so we planned to spend Sunday together and he come to my last performance of this play at about 2pm.

I woke up on Sunday, alone and fresh, I started to decorate for Christmas with a Hallmark movie, it was peaceful. I thought back on Saturday night and how I felt a little abandoned by Molly and Paris, a failed girls night I personally wanted. I knew it was out of my control but the disappointment lingered. I continued to have a morning to myself, I made breakfast for N and I and he arrived late morning. He asked about my night, I expressed my disappointment in my friends, but didn’t linger there, and moved on to how bitter sweet the day was, as it was my last with a lot of friends I made, friends who saw me, and were there for me (whole thing I locked my keys in my car and like 8 people stayed to help me, everyone asked each other how they were feeling with genuineness, a very great group that got better every time I saw them). N and I laid on the couch together, it was very serene. He began things that lead to s*x. It was all very nice, but I wasn’t quite in the mood for all of it, but it also was still enjoyable so it wasn’t hard to just stay in it, although most of the action was on his end. At the end, we laid together for a minute, then we both wondered about the time, because we had to leave soon for the play. I got up to look at the time and grab my cup of coffee, with the intention of returning to him. I turned around, still undressed to him on a work phone call. This stirred up so much anxiety for me. Why would he do that, we were still in a very intimate bubble, I am still naked! I felt so disturbed and suddenly was aware of being naked, I went straight to my room to get dressed, then started to clean my room and just be alone in my pain, as he was on the phone. I knew that he would not understand, I thought “uh, again he is oblivious to intimacy, to my feelings and insensitive to sex time/intimacy.” I dreaded having a conversation that I would need to bring up because I don’t want to be inauthentic, I want to be my true self and I don’t want to ignore my feelings all day, especially since it was suppose to be a sentimental day I wanted to feel present and real for. He got off the phone and I continued to finish getting ready. I could feel him looking at me but I didn’t know how to look at him. I did not want to fake a smile, we made eye contact and I gave a very half hearted smile, authentic to my feelings. He acted like nothing was wrong at all, but I know it was ‘acting’ because he was being jollier than his normal temperament. Drives me crazy when people think they can make up for behavior through ingenuine happiness (probably because this is how my mom was when she drank wine, or even soberly actually, it’s like just say how you feel). I sat next to him, procrastinating being yet again the one to begin building the communication bridge between us. He started kissing me all over and I was repulsed, I could not receive his love because it was not genuine…in my eyes anyways. I told him why I was bothered, and he did this thing I absolutely hate, and may be the proof actually of invalidating my trigger, something I mentioned to you before but at the time didn’t have an example for you. He says “what do you mean, I can’t take a two second phone call?” downplaying what he does, like I am crazy. I said “No you took a phone call within 10 minutes of us getting up from sex, I was naked infront of you.” He said “you wondered about the time how am I suppose to know we are still in that space,” my response is like he should feel that. He gives me the dumbest look ever like he has ABSOLUTELY no idea why I would be bothered, just kind shakes his head, squinting his eyes. And shaking his head he says “I don’t understand why you allow things to bother you, and you have to ruin our morning because of it,” this makes me feel invalidated. I understand it is a trigger and that in the grand scheme, maybe he saw me go look at the time, took that as our intimacy was over and answered a phone call, but all in the span of about 10 minutes?? and I was still naked!, nevermind I still don’t understand. I said I wasn’t sure if I wanted him to come with me because I wanted to enjoy this last day of my play and he just didn’t understand me, he didn’t respond. Then when it was time to go he asked if he was still coming and I said yes, “you not coming isn’t going to feel any better.” We never solved the issue, we just moved on and began talking in the car like nothing happened, something I do not typically do, I talk until we resolve it but this time I didn’t have it in me, and if I don’t do it, no one does, so we haven’t come back to it since, which I don’t know would be productive anyways, honestly I feel he needs to come to me, not to apologize, I don’t necessarily think what he did was wrong, but it was at least insensitive. He said the words “sorry,” but it was the same energy that he usually says that word to stop the conflict. It’s infuriating. On the drive I asked excitedly and trying to bring some lightness, “Sooo how do you feel about seeing this play a third time? haha” then he responded very obviously sarcastically, “oh so excited.” This hurt my feelings again and I honestly just lost my ability to be genuine with him at this moment, it no longer was about him it was about me and my play, something he was absolutely not going to take any joy away from me. When we parked actually I gave it one more shot, as his energy and mine were so off, I asked him “How do you feel?” I asked genuinely and he responded “what? I am fine” as if NOTHING HAPPENED. This kind of inauthentic shallow ridiculously ignorant response boils my blood, but whatever at this point I have to go, I am doing this for me anyways. Attempting to put it out of my mind I found myself checking my phone for any sort of text from him in the hour I was getting ready, nothing, but it’s ok I shouldn’t have expectations anymore anyways, haven’t I learned my lesson? I proceed to have a fantastic play 🙂 the audience was really into it and fed into our performance, over all just the best genuine vibe. The whole cast was in their feels, there was so much sincerity in that room, people taking selfies, making future plans, congratulating each other, thanking each other.

After the play I went outside to say hi to N and my friend P, who came Sunday instead of Saturday night. We talked for a while, I was excited and so were they, I did it! then P left and we had to go back in to help clean up the stage. N came with me, we helped a little, then went out to the car thinking it was time to go to the after party with the cast, but then I saw more cast go in to help and I felt like I should help out more, I told N, but he stayed in the car and watched football while I went back in for 40 minutes or so. When I came out to the car, obvious to me, the energy between us was off. After talking about the play and getting to the after party, I asked him how he felt about the play, I play a barmaid, my part is to flirt in the background of the scene and serve beer, so I asked him overall how that made him feel and he was just like “fine? I am happy you are getting to act,” I just don’t believe him. My feeling was proven true later when a girl at the party made a comment saying “somehow I always get the mistress and barmaid parts in plays” laughing N turns to me with a sad puppy dog face saying “that won’t happen to you right?” At this point with a couple drinks he shows his real reactions to things, as I wish he did regularly. In the car before we went in, I wanted to get right before going in public as a couple and I asked him how he felt about this morning he claimed he was fine, acting stupid like nothing happened again. He admitted to not wanting to be there, he just wanted to hangout with me at home, not at this party, that I was so excited for. I accepted that, but once we got inside and got some food and a beer, he turns to me and says he just needed food and he actually liked the group. We enjoyed the party. He wanted to leave a couple times, looking at me tilting his head to the door literally while I was bonding with people I would maybe never see again, that I told him meant alot to me. When we are ready to leave he says he might not stay the night and I was completely fine with it I was wanting to go home and relax and he was not someone I felt I could relax with in that moment. He left and this is where my night started to get introspective. So more aware now than I was then, I walked into my apartment after saying goodbye and I was drained to say the least, and sad about the play being over. I got out a beer from the fridge to try and keep from feeling what I felt (at the time I didn’t know that I thought I was just having fun) Then, I am afraid of your disappointment here but just listen to the whole story, I smoked a vape. When we spoke about it last, I logically agreed with what you were saying, not to go near it, it was bad for me. But I still felt deep down that I could control it and only smoke socially, so I kept it for a rainy day. All weekend my roommate had one on her and I never was even tempted. After I smoked it I felt so badly about how I said goodbye to N, we were so off all day and then he left before we could connect again, I called him to just say goodnight and give it one last effort to see how he was. This time his voice was more upidy, happier, lighter and real? he said “please don’t feel bad, my family sacrificed to come see my football games all the time I should have a better attitude, I am happy to support you” then we said I love you and goodnight. At the time I believed him but as I am been journaling here I don’t know if I do, he was probably “happier” because he smoked a ton of weed when he got home, what he often does when he is stressed. This was the end of my day, but then the night began and was a big moment for me and lead to where I am now, feeling rejuvenated and clear minded.

I woke up at 3:30 am from a terrible nightmare, I looked over at the vape and suddenly it clicked to me, I was being spiritually attacked, this vape lowered my vibration so low that my armor was down and exposed to the spiritual realm. I dreamt of animals sticking their claws into my skin, it was the nicotine, I was running from the animals, everything in my body was telling me that nicotine was enabling me to be attacked. Vulnerable, I decided to label the demons I felt were with me in my room. I called out intimidation, fear, and confusion and I told them they were dismissed, I felt released. I decided not to go back to sleep (like I did last weekend when this happened Sunday night). Because I felt I wasn’t strong enough asleep to protect myself from this darkness. In that moment I saw what the vape truly was doing, last weekend there were so many factors leading to my nightmares and following bad days so the vape fell amongst them and I still believed that controlled it was ok, but it is not, I am allowing my spirit to be attacked, which when put like that I am not willing to do to myself. I want to be clear and wise not blurred and confused. Instead of going to sleep I got up at 3:30, to confront the darkness, and then I wondered about what my yoga teacher meant once by “surrender yourself,” it stuck with me and re-occurred to me in this moment so I read a very interesting article and it was alot of information but I held onto “…If we’re lucky, our yoga or meditation practice will break down the illusion that we’re in control.” In the moment this is what I needed to hear, last week when she said “surrender yourself” I did, I let go of my resistance to the pain and I reached a peaceful moment where I was friends with the pain, it brought me joy and I smiled, realizing that I was okay, I could do it. I then signed up and went to a hot yoga class at 6 am. I needed to take care of myself, and show myself and hatchling that I will care for myself, not destruct it. I went to another class this morning at 6 that I signed up for yesterday. Last night I had a vivid dream of N cheating on me and blaming me for being unavailable to him when he needed it, he had been texting another girl flirtatiously so that he could… ya know what guys do sometimes lol. but the odd thing is N has never been that type of guy, I have way more sexual energy than him, and he also doesn’t even flirty text me.

But in the morning on my 5 am alarm and on my drive to hot Pilates this time, it came to me. First of all N wouldn’t do that, it was about my fear that he would, but not only this, I had a revelation; Hatchling was afraid that I would allow N to hurt me and stay with him! This hit me hard. I immediately wrote in my notes:

“Maybe I don’t trust myself to move on if I am in a situation where I am being hurt. Hatch doesn’t trust that sea turtle will remove her from the situation and instead just take the abuse. So when there is the slightest illusion of abuse hatchling is like ‘what are you gonna do about this!’ But dear hatchling we can’t control everything, N has not yet done something to sincerely harm us, dad did. He is not dad. And if N does harm us (like we were harmed by dad) we will leave, because we are great alone and I am not afraid of being single and I am not afraid of leaving one love for another. I promise hatchling.”

It was very hard to get out of bed at 5am today. Interesting thing though, is I have been recently waking up in the 3-4am time and I don’t know why, then falling back asleep I get the bad dreams. I wonder if there is more to this pattern, once I read on pinterest in a quote that 3am is when the spiritual realm is the most active. I know it was only pinterest, and I hope I am not one to believe folklore/pop-psychology, so what do you think/know about this? Just a thought. Anyways, today was hard to wake up, but my reasoning was I wanted to surrender myself to pain (healthy pain, I wouldn’t push through more at the class than I needed) I wanted to show hatchling that we can do hard things and even though she doesn’t want to and wants to do the destructive thing and sleep in until right before work, i wanted to show her I was going to make us healthy and give us some alone time before work. I did and I feel clear today. Although N and I are suppose to spend the eve together and as of the last 2 hours I actually would rather be alone and am debating on canceling, but I don’t know if that makes me running from our issues..

With love,

Seaturtle

(I shall take a breathe now, and then get back to reflecting my weekend and responding to you soon 🙂 )

Dear Anita,

I am sorry I haven’t set an update yet, just now it occurred to me that I hadn’t yet and I came straight on to just let you know I will get to a journal entry/ and response to your previous messages this afternoon/evening! Thank you for your recent two short messages. I am doing good, and look forward to telling you about my weekend and how I am doing 🙂

With Love,

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

Yes I will 🙂 I slept more last night, tiring myself out and sweating out the toxins of the vape. I smoked it on Sunday the 12th, it is crazy if that was still affecting me yesterday! You are right I shouldn’t entertain that road. I feel better this morning than yesterday already, but I think I really overwhelmed myself. For that reason I am actually going to take the time to focus on giving myself a rest of being introspective today and just focus on my present feelings and thoughts, so I will respond to your latest message tomorrow morning. Thank you for being there for me,

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

(this post is not a response, but a journal entry)

This morning I feel not well in my head.

Sunday night I was having a relaxing evening and fell asleep on the couch, I slept from 9pm-1:30am, about 4 1/2 hours. I came to to my room, washed my face and laid in bed, I couldn’t fall back to sleep, I was awake from 1:30-6am just eyes closed mind racing. Ended up dozing off for maybe an hour at about 6am-7am, then woke up again, then slept another 30 min or so and finally just got up at about 8am. This sleep was induced by wine and nicotine, which is new to me. I smoked a vape for the first time a couple weeks ago after drinking for fun with friends, the combination was so relaxing I craved it again about 4 times since, twice now I have been alone. I don’t feel good after I feel dry and my throat hurts, I don’t want to be addicted to this drug so I limit it to when I drink wine which is a few times a week with my roommate or alone, I don’t believe it has yet become a problem, but I am also very aware of having two alcoholic parents and I don’t want to be like them which often keeps me from it.

When I was finally up at 8am on monday, I was having bad cramps, as happens occasionally on my cycle. With the lack of sleep and painful cramps I decided to call out of work. I ended up having a very productive day, as I often do when calling out of work. I came to the “tiny buddah” forum in the morning for some self reflection and growth, I was in the space for about 2-3 hours. I then took a break to have some lunch, turn on the tv and do some laundry. After about an hour of those activities I turned the tv to soothing music and began a new course online to learn about affiliate marketing, because if I can find a way to work from home/various cafes and locations, that would be ideal for me, I really don’t like going to my 10-5 every day. It was fun for a while but now I feel like I have to do the same thing every day and it no longer feels authentic. I sell art in a gallery and it was first fun, now I feel it is mundane and boring. After two hours of coursework on this 15 day master class I invested in, I finished the laundry, cleaned up the house, then left to meet two friends at a hot yoga class.

Hot yoga felt great, as always. I came home that evening, had a healthy dinner, no wine or anything, I was inspired by my yoga class. I watched tv with my roommate then came to bed at about 11 pm, I wanted to be in bed earlier but I lost sight of that vision while talking with my roommate about the winter soups I want to try to make with the blender I got for christmas last year from my dad. Once in bed I was on my phone searching for more free trials of yoga classes, often first class being free, I also looked at cycling classes, I wanted to sign up for the morning but since it was midnight by that point I thought I should let myself get good sleep, so I booked a class for 5:45 pm, after work for today.

However, and this is where my desire to journal entry came in. I woke up at 4am, and couldn’t fall back asleep, just like the previous night. My thoughts about everything going on in my life just came flooding in. I told myself, these are irrelevant while I am laying on my bed, I can sleep and deal with these later. The thoughts temporarily stopped, but sure enough found myself in them again moments later. This happened for about an hour and I just decided waking up was less painful then laying down trying to sleep, even though I feel so tired. I decided to start my self reflection early this morning, maybe hatchling is trying to wake me up to tell me something.

To open up the pace I began reading my inner child book I recently started, “Healing The Child Within” by Charles L. Whitefield M.D. But the book took me down a dark path. I finished chapter five on “Parental Conditions that tend to stifle the child within,” reading it I had mental and physical responses I didn’t expect and still feel. I read the section on ‘Development of Codependence,’ recognizing both my parents were codependent. My dad a workaholic, and current alcoholic, although I am not sure if that started while I was young, I know for sure by the time I was 16/17. My mom was an alcoholic, always a glass of wine in the home I lived ages 7-15, before then I can’t recall, but it is still current. neither get aggressive, both parents get kinder and more lenient and sweet when they drink. The chapter included alot of other people’s stories as adults and how having codependent parents has affected their lives. I relate to every one of them in one way or another and reading them gives me a deep bodily pain, I don’t want to keep reading but I need to.

a couple book excerpts I underlined

“And because we stuff our feelings, we are unable to grieve our everyday losses to completion”

“We learn that ‘quick fixes’ such as compulsive behaviors will allows us to glimpse our True Self and will let off some of the tension” -which is perhaps why I called out of work… Although I was in physical pain and tired

Reading all the signs of co-dependence are things that resonate with me 🙁

The commonalities listed amongst all the stories of those who had co-dependent parents are inconsistent, unpredictable, arbitrary (day to day), chaotic, and mistreatment. Something very strange happened while I was reading the section under ‘Chaotic.’ It starts “Chaos may be manifested by any of the following….” but once I got to 3 my body glitched, I don’t know how to describe this feeling but I read all three, and once I read three my body literally had a millisecond of a seizure, my eyes closed and my body stuttered, like my whole body just pulsed at once, eyes shut muscles clenched, then just as abruptly released and eyes opened. It was unlike anything I have experienced, but was half a second long altogether. 1-3 read as such

“(1) physical or emotional abuse, which reaches the child shame, guilt, and “don’t feel;” (2) sexual abuse, which teaches the same, plus distrust and fear of losing control; (3) regular and repeated crisis, which teach a crisis orientation to life;”

-there were two more but right after three is when my body just fully twitched. I finished the chapter, with a feeling like I am not in control of this terror I feel inside. I know I will have mental clarity again, but still in this moment I feel afraid I am stuck in the feeling I have now which is anguish and tension.

I read this list here under the heading “Some Terms for Mental, Emotional, and Spiritual Trauma That May Be Experienced by Children and Adults.” It then says:

Abandonment

Neglect

Abuse: Physical — spanking, beating, torture, sexual, etc.

Mental — Covert sexual (See below)

Emotional — (see below)

Spiritual — (see below and text)

[here there is a long list of verbs that correlate to these types of abuse, I relate to almost all but I will include ones that feel most important]

“Inflicting guilt, criticizing, joking about, laughing at, teasing, manipulating, deceiving, tricking, betraying, hurting, being cruel, belittling, intimidating, patronizing, overpowering/bullying, controlling, limiting, withdrawing, not taking seriously, discrediting, invalidating, misleading, disapproving, making light of or minimizing your feelings, wants or needs, breaking promises, raising hopes falsely, responding inconsistently/arbitrarily, making vague demands”

reading this list made my body so tense, I feel like hatchling is terrified. I do not feel good this morning, but I can’t call out of work again. Maybe my cycling class will help me sleep tonight. I hope it is a low maintenance day at work. My vibrations feel low and threatened. The book says talking these things out will help me.

Seaturtle and hatchling

Dear Anita,

(This is the rest of my response to your reply on November 10th)

“It crossed my mind, that if it was possible, a great solution would have been to put Earth on Pause, leave to another planet, have quality psychotherapy there for 6 months-a year (where you’d talk and process all that we talked about here on your thread), then return to earth (with your therapist to guide you), and Un-pause life on earth. Take it from there.”

I wish this were possible as well, because like I said before, I feel like there are two battles I am fighting at the same time. One being the majority of what has been on this forum, projecting F into N and all those consequences, then battle two of even if I am totally healed is N the right person for me then, cause if so I want to power through, if not then I think battle one would be easier to work through alone.

“Back to what you shared 3 days ago about your father: “he would promote outfits that made me look like a box. I am a curvy girl... The story: I was 11 years old, my friends were playing outside, my friend S was allowed to wear whatever she wanted… my dad stopped me and said the shorts were inappropriate and I needed to change to longer ones… This is my first memory of having suicidal thoughts”. Less than an hour later, on the same day, you wrote: “N brings out my tom-boy behaviors… I miss my femininity. I sort of feel like I want a man that brings the parts of me I love, out to the surface“- “

See this portion is what I feel is part of battle two. When I label the battles one and two, I mean them to be sequential, one needs to happen before two can. I am not sure if my feeling that N doesn’t understand me outside of my cage is me projecting F into him or if it is what is really happening, or both! At this moment in time, I would like to focus on battle one, as we have been doing. I want to heal my relationship with hatchling, gain her trust, even if that means losing N. I just really want to be clear on what hatchling needs before I make that drastic decision though because he means a lot to Seaturtle.

(The following is my more thorough response to your reply on November 11th)

“Seaturtle= thoughts and emotional reactions/ emotional experiences that did not take hold in childhood. This includes what you learned from books and online, including what you are learning here, in your thread, and including becoming aware of hatchling and how she operates within you as an observer, observing her from some distance.”

Have you read the book the Untethered Soul? When you phrase it this way, that hatchling is operating in me as an observer. Although hatchling does more than observe, would it be correct to say that both hatchling and Seaturtle observe each other then and also both act? Anyways the reason I bring up the book is it speaks about an “inner roommate,” I wonder if this is a metaphor for hatchling, it also speaks about you, I assume the adult self Seaturtle in control, can be an observer of your own thoughts, or “hatchling.”

“- a real-life child throwing a temper tantrum in the supermarket, insisting that her mother buys her ice-cream right there and then, is driving the ship only if her mother rushes to buy her the ice cream so to quiet her down.”

Are drug addicts/alcoholics run by their inner child? I find that when I have wine with my friends it happens and ends naturally, but sometimes after what has felt like a long day I crave a couple glasses of wine, I wonder if giving in to this want is in response to hatchling having a sort of tantrum? Or even actual food/ice cream cravings, are all non essential cravings hatchling?

“The real-life child throwing a temper tantrum in the supermarket probably needs help in a different context: she probably needs positive attention at home.”

If what I said above is true, and unproductive or even destructive cravings are giving in to your inner child’s tantrum, then all of this could be solved with proper self care/”positive attention at home” ? Is proper self care the answer to unhealthy cravings in general? and maybe even addiction?

“only she doesn’t make herself known in the right context (home) where she remains unknown.”

Why does hatchling make herself known outside of the home, how is she more known outside of the right context (home)?

“It feels like hatchling is uncaged because she makes herself very known when N does something that resembles our father’s past behaviors“- Like the child throwing a temper tantrum in the supermarket, hatchling needs your positive attention at home, home with you, Seaturtle, outside the context of your relationship with N.”

“hatchling needs your positive attention at home, home with you, Seaturtle” – I want to learn how to do this. It sounds sad, but unsurprising as hatchling has been having tantrums, but I don’t think I fully know what this is. Is the positive attention that she/I need personal to hatchling? Or is it just typical self care like spa days, keeping your home and body clean in general? Is it simply doing what makes me happy, such as art and acting? I am trying to imagine as if she were a child out of my body, how to make her feel cared for and to trust me. I want to be there for myself. I want to be here for me.

“Coming to think about it, you did say that your father is doing financially very well at his work and that N has .. you called it something like a millionaire attitude (like your father). Similar values and priorities.”

Yes they are similar in the way of being money driven in their careers. Whereas I am taking a different route, I am trying to follow what I love and I am narrowing in on it but it makes it to where I am changing up what I do alot. So to someone with their mindset they say stick with it, because that is when profit starts to happen, but this does not resonate with me I move on a more abstract path and to me “profit” does not equal actual dollars. They are similar in how much they work, and I believe a similar motivation is because working is easier than sitting with their thoughts and feelings, something they both don’t think is productive, so they obviously don’t understand why I do it. However N is more accepting of me in that way, versus F who makes fun of it and just does not understand at all, which is odd cause he does see a therapist… I have felt before like N doubts my method to find what I want in this world, he has told me he doesn’t trust me financially, which I understand because I do not have savings and I barely make more than my rent every month at this art gallery right now. It gives me stress too but I want to act in a play rather than demean myself and go work nights for tips like he would encourage if I brought up. Tips for serving food and drinks, no more haha just to be clear he would not be ok with that and neither would I, no judgement to others I just didn’t want you to think he would encourage me to go that far. Anyways, his doubt in my methods make me doubt myself, wonder if I am playing it too risky and need to be more dollar oriented. But I just have this belief that if I keep following what inspires me it will guide me and the financial means will follow with hard work in that direction. N has said I live in a fantasy world believing things will work out, but I also think he believes in me, it’s just he is wary. One more note on F and N’s millionaire attitude, yes they both follow the money, but what they want the money for is very different. My dad buys luxury gifts for himself and his girlfriend and spends a week a month at a 5 star resort drinking by the pool and playing pickle ball. Which does sound like a fun lifestyle I do admit. However, N’s style feels better to me. He wants to travel the world, stay in nice places but that is not the focus, he talks about all the things he wants to see, he wants a boat to travel for months at a time, he wants to retire young so he can do all this. It sounds wonderful to me as well, but I don’t quite know yet how my lifestyle will meld with his, because I don’t know if I will be retiring early, I having a feeling one of my arts (painting, drawing, acting) will start to take off and I will want to keep doing them. Maybe I just trust the process though?

“I feel like he could just as easily fall in love with M as he did me“- for M, being a tomboy may very well be who she genuinely is, it’s her.. out of the box version, while the same is your in the box (not genuine) version. I suppose that you think that a genuine tomboy version can easily win over a non-genuine tomboy version?

-“I suppose that you think that a genuine tomboy version can easily win over a non-genuine tomboy version?” In the eyes of a guy (maybe N) who wants a tomboy, yes. I wonder if he wants a tomboy, I don’t know if he appreciates or particularly likes my more girlie/feminine side that I only want to dive further into. Saturday morning N and I went to breakfast. We had a nice night together after my play, and I love going out to breakfast in the morning, this spot we found has deliciously made fresh food that makes me feel good. We were talking on a real level, which we don’t always get to do because we see each other mostly after work when he is too tired to talk about deeper things (it energizes me so I am always up for it). But anyways, we were in a ‘real talk’ space and I began to ask him reflection questions on our year living together. It has been a bit over a month of me at this apartment and it felt like a good enough distance away now to reflect. He said it was good and hard but that we were stronger, but I wanted more of an answer than that. I asked him what he meant by “hard parts,” and he said there were times he didn’t know which of us was right (often during my trigger responses, I knew it was not all his fault I felt the way I did but my inability to explain irrational reactions to specific things, was confusing for him) and he felt very alone. I asked him, “through all the parts of living together that were tough, from my triggers confusing you to times I blamed you, through all the bad parts, why did you decide to stay with me?” and he said “Because we always came to a compromise, you listened to my perspective and understood in the end, you are really good at that.” I appreciated hearing this, even though I asked for it. Although I need help as to why this was one of my following thoughts: Does he just want to be with me because I am a good communicator? How low is his bar for a relationship? Do I want this relationship if he only loves me because I am fun, pretty, and above average at communicating?. These thoughts are not new, but it was unpleasant to feel them when we are having a good morning, we are spending the day together. I didn’t fester on these thoughts, instead I decided to have a peaceful day with someone I love to be around and overlook the feeling of meeting his low standards. This is why I even worry about him having feelings for M, because if his bar is low, where I am, then there are a lot of things that may seem better to him than me. Something positive I thought about to keep my mind optimistic was how I would love for him to be the father of my children. He will be an amazing dad, is that reason enough to stay with someone? I have doubt that he loves all of me, instead just a portion of me, which only short changes both of us in the end.

(I also read and respond as I go, before reading the entirety)

(I don’t want to change this part of your response into the bold, like I usually do, because it will take away from what you bolded, so the next to portions are you, Anita and the third is Seaturtle’s reply)

“he calls love a choice and rationally like I get it but it also is not what I want to hear, he could just choose to love anyone? I don’t want to just be anyone and I feel like that with him and it makes me feel undervalued, not special, and not loved for who I AM.“-

– hatchling needs to get out of the box, to leave her father’s expectations of who or what she should be. She needs to stop trying to please her father.. to stop the habit (an automatic habit by now) of trying to please him. Hatchling wants to be someone, someone who is valued and special, and that someone is who she gets to be and become outside the box.

So this feeling I have, that he does not “love all of me” and that I feel I am “undervalued” and “not special.” Are you saying that these thoughts/feelings have nothing to do with N? Because that would mean that, going back to my two battles analogy, that winning battle one (getting out of the cage fully), would make battle two (Is he right for me, do I love him, are we the right love for eachother) irrelevant or just answered simultaneously? Let me know if this two battles analogy is making sense to you or if I should explain more, because it makes sense in my head but I am not sure how it is fully translating.

“To check my understanding, I ask: can you give me examples of N’s words and behaviors that indicate that he supports your in-the-box version and discourages your out-of-the-box version? For the examples to help me, they have to include a description of the objective circumstances, what words were said, and what actions took place (ex., in a restaurant, the waiter said XYZ, N said ABC, then N got up and left the restaurant, etc.), and not include what you thought or felt, how you perceived or interpreted the situation.”

Okay so I think he does do things that me think he supports my in-the-box version, however it is not necessarily that he discourages my out of box version. I think he is more comfortable with my in-box version. I describe this as my behaviors that made my dad happy, when I was (trying to be) money driven, athletic outdoors, sporty, a left-brained thinker, believing that feelings are mostly not real, working hard, no breaks! Evening taking out the trash, I say this one because it gives me a similar energy feeling as this whole category, living in my apartment with a girl roommate, we just split the chore it doesn’t bother me too much, but while I lived with N I didn’t want to do the “dirty” chores, I felt the guy should and I will make the house homey, which was unappreciated. I felt he thought that making it clean and cozy was a lesser chore but he did not like when I expected him to do things like that. I get into this trash chore because in general, the box required me to live in a more masculine energy, and that is not who I am, nothing wrong with women who are. I feel there are different ways I contribute that allow me to be in my feminine, which feeds me as opposed to the masculine where I am more drained. Sometimes I took out the trash and was fine with it with N, maybe he had a long day at work and I had energy, but there was something about him asking me to do it, or if I asked him he would say why cant you…and I just wanted to be like cause I’m a girl lol I don’t know if this is just stupid but I wanted to sort of journal and elaborate here on that feeling. Now here are examples of him encouraging my in-the-box version (aka what my dad would also say):

-M asked me if I wanted to join an indoor soccer team with her and I told N and he said “you should do that!” in an excited tone

-I don’t like movies with gross boy humor, and he said “you lack some sense of humor”

-Pulls up movie in comedy,drama section about black people growing up in a tough town. Said I hadn’t watched it, (my rommate was here) and M says ” you haven’t seen that? hahaha uncultured swine! haha just kidding” N was in approval. N said “you wouldn’t like this movie.

-When we went to palm springs with his parents I packed a bathing suit I liked and he said “you are going to wear that infront of my family?

-I bring up what I think is a small conversation that is energizing for me and he responds “all you want to do it talk about feelings”

I am having a hard time coming up with specifics, by I feel he supports me in the box because I know that he would be “impressed” with me if I did things as that boxed girl. If I wanted to go dirt biking with him, or aim my career to be money driven, or like gross boy humor, that he would like me to be all those things. Like we get along best when I am doing something in those categories with him, like I be his bro/pal/buddy. He loves when I get bro-ish with him, play video games with him, that kind of stuff. I mean I also like when he joins my art stuff which he occasionally does. I feel like I am losing my point in this response to you question, let me know if it shed any light or perhaps changed your mind in some way? I will think more about this question of how he encourages the in-the-box girl.

With love and appreciation,

Seaturtle and hatchling