Dear Anita,

I feel the reason I have yet to find myself consistent here is because my third eye has been blurry. I also do not want to be repetitive, because I know why I ended it, I don’t regret ending it, so these other thoughts I am having seem irrelevant, but in the last three days I have felt them deeper and I am not sure why with the timing. It does not help that I dream of N every night. The dreams change, but the last two nights in a row in the dream, I have an opportunity to go back to the way it was, and my dream self wants to. As if my dream self, third eye closed, thinks that suffering through the bad parts of the relationship are worth getting the good parts back in my life. I miss the smallest things like kissing his cheeks and scratching his head, I miss taking care of him… I feel stupid for saying these things, and I know you don’t think I am, but I do. I feel like the things I miss are little things that are very common in relationships, so that does help, I am not missing things that were just N, so they will be in my life again, but right now I want them and they feel far away.

I can sense myself at a crossroads of wanting to watch sad/ romantic movies and have wine versus doing the healthier thing and no wine and waking up to go to a hot yoga class tomorrow. Tomorrow I have my pre-operation for my surgery. Which by the way, I got an mri and apparently it didn’t reveal any clarity to my surgeon and she needs me to instead see an oncologist just in case it is cancerous. The surgery is suppose to be friday, but it has changed several times, so we will see. I have had it set in my mind I want to get this medical stress taken care of first, and next is to get my passport from N. I have thought about sending someone to get it for me, but there is a bigger part of me that wants to see him. I don’t know what it will feel like, I am not sure why I want to but I just feel like it is my only opportunity to do so, once I get my stuff I no longer have any reason to contact him. I have also played the moment in my head so many times I just want to end that image my making it real.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“why do you feel the need to accomplish anything GREAT, and by great, do you mean something that will bring you fame, popularity, the esteem of many… anything like that?”

By great, I mean I want to add to the world. I am afraid I will not make my ideas come to life, and if I do they will maybe not be seen by others, and if it is not seen then how does it make a change in the world. I gave up the desire for popularity when I realized I did not want the attention of those who couldn’t see me when I was being my natural self. If I was popular for being just me, I mean that thought sounds nice, but I think it is just that lack of feeling seen and thinking that would solve it. Part of me has a desire for people like F and N, to see that I am “cool, funny, and strong” (from my post above). They told me I wasn’t those things, more so F, and there’s a part of me that wants them to see that I am. I don’t desire fame, too many people haha.

“This excessive, narcissistic need on his part to be attended to and prioritized at the expense of you, led to your excessive need to be thoroughly seen and prioritized. …It’s about trying to over compensate for not having been seen and prioritized…Did we talk about this topic thoroughly?”

I see how my deep desire to be seen, is as deep as it is because I am over compensating for not having been seen and prioritized. I also agree that those 2-3 years I lived with, mainly, my dad, his excessive needs of attention and priority are part of what I am compensating for. However, I was not seen in so many ways throughout my entire upbringing, I feel like those couple years with him were the tip of the iceberg. Not to mention I was older at that time, so I remember a lot of it, and I also remember knowing it was not right but I couldn’t understand why it was happening or how to stop it.

My little sister, the youngest, A, (the sister that we understand eachother the most) called me two nights ago. She was on the verge of tears because she hasn’t seen my dad since new years because he is constantly on vacation. Hearing her go on and on, reminded me of what it was like to live with him and my mom. her situation is a little different because since she is the youngest, this is her first year alone there to alternate between houses every two weeks. She said how hard and exhausting it was to go from house to house, she said it was like being in a warm place, then opening the door to -30 degrees outside. When she said this, it reminded me of when my parents lived together, and how uncomfortable the environment was with two polar opposites. She said she doesn’t understand who my dad can think their relationship (between A and F) is so great, yet it is so “superficial.” She called me because she was suppose to alternate to my dads this week and he was out of town all week, his house is large and cold and lots of windows, which at night can be scary. She said she called him and he said “oh I told you sweetie that I would be away” she told me he did not, and I believe her, my dad did the same thing to me. She said “sometimes I feel like I need to be physically hurt for him to see me.” this very strongly reminded me of when I attempted self harm, at her exact age. I told her “there is nothing you can do to make him see you, he may tend to you while you are hurt but he will leave again once you are better and in the end you will only have a mark on yourself.” I am so happy I answered her call. She spoke about how she didn’t want to go back to my moms, because that day she was feeling emotional. A is an amazing dancer, and she works as a dance teacher for 8-10 year olds (a job she sought out and has to pay everything she makes because of a dent she made to her car! sound familiar? F is doing the exact same thing to her that he did to me at the exact same age.) She told my mom she felt too emotional to be around kids, she said “kids can sense when you are feeling off and they will then be harder to deal with” A is very aware for her age I am impressed all the time! A went to my mom for advice, wondering why she felt the way she did and how to deal with it, …my moms response, is why I am sharing this, all my mom said to her was “it’s just a female thing.” Hurts me to even type that, my mom seems brainwashed sometimes. A and I both spoke about how our parents are both asleep and we are awake, we theorized on why.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

This weekend I will be home alone and I am looking forward to entering a meditative state to meditate on your question/prompt, from your reply on the 30th, ‘my ideal parent’.
I haven’t quite gotten used to my new schedule with my new job yet, but I am seeking some routine so I will be more consistent very soon!

happy Friday

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“Exposing weakness (the soft belly) satisfies aggressors, or potential aggressors.”

When I read it like this, I am reminded that I felt this way with both of my parents. I didn’t need to do it as much with my mom, she would nearly put me belly up so that she could rub my belly, because that made her fell something, perhaps like a good mother. My father though, was more the situation where I would expose weakness to satisfy an aggressor. With N I don’t recall doing this much, I actually held my ground very often if he would get “aggressive.” If he got verbally aggressive, like the C-word incident, I ask him to stop, and if he doesn’t I just go quiet..but I don’t think this is belly up, I felt I was holding my ground. Contrary to my dad who I would belly up or else he wouldn’t stop.

“I see life as the ocean, and each individual life (a plant, an animal, a human) as a single wave rising from the ocean (being born) and then falling back into the ocean (dies).”

I appreciate this visual.

“- you quench her cognitive/ emotional thirst, she quenches yours.”

Her and I were talking the other night, agreeing neither of us had experienced as interesting of conversation with a male partner before. We wondered if our good “thirst quenching” conversation, was only to be had between women, I doubt this, but I don’t have much evidence to say that is false.

” I think that spiders cannot think of simultaneous scenarios when it comes to emotions.”

As in they cannot experience two emotions at once? Or they cannot link scenarios and emotions..

“– I purposefully do not watch TV fiction shows nor do I read fiction stories and books because all it does to me is to create fog in my view of REAL LIFE, and my pleasure is in seeing reality as it is, not as what is fed to me by fiction writers and performers.”

What do you do instead to entertain yourself, with REAL LIFE? I suppose come to this forum! Do you ever go see plays? I enjoy plays and tv shows, not just for fiction but to see what real humans are doing, someone wrote that script, someone memorized it internally and made it real to them, enough to be something else on a stage.

“- this thread reminds you of him. IF you want to start a new thread where he is not a part of, you can.”

It is true, it does remind me of him, but it also reminds me why I should not go back. Although there are enough messages on here for me to re-read and remind myself when I need to. I wonder what my next topic should be… I feel afraid to start a forum where I don’t feel as understood as I do here. But I know that is not a good enough reason not to try something new. Other topics I am interested in are more inner (hatchling) child work, spirituality and how to stay on the track of fulfilling my purpose here.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

“when you were upset and emotional, or having a panic attack,  he felt like the strong one (while you were the weak one), a feeling he likes, and therefore he felt close to you. “

wow this makes sense for a lot of different scenarios we were in. This makes me trail back to childhood, and wonder if this is what was going on with my parents, why my mom would cry (a weakness in men’s eyes) and then my dad wouldn’t be as upset with her because some part of him liked that feeling of how weak she was… I feel like I have been rewarded for being weak by my mom… She would fix a lot of problems growing up or get me out of trouble when I needed to face things alone. I will think about this topic more, but N is not the first person to make me feel more loved when I was weaker.

“…seeing Hatchling more, and feeling genuine empathy for her, a kind of empathy that an empathetic parent would feel for a hurting child. Once she is adequately seen by you, and adequately cared for, your expectations will lower.”

Is this why parenting can be so healing? My immediate thought after reading this quote was a vision of myself at like 7 years old and that I wish I could touch my forehead to hers because I do empathize with her circumstances. This reminded me of the first day nannying this little girl, she is 16 months and according to her parents ‘very picky about nannies/people.’ It was such a special moment, it was day one of starting the job and I played with her, K, and at one point I was holding her playing with a toy and she touched her little head to my forehead (happy teary eyed emojy!) It was so sweet, I felt like she was saying she accepted me. Anyways after having this memory I wondered how much inner child-work is possible while you have an actual child near you.

Apart from inner-child healing, but a thought I have recently been revisiting, I wonder where children come from. I wonder if their essence/spirit/soul is literally created in the mother, or if it existed before, in a divine place. I have seen different theories on this idea, I want to believe they came from somewhere divine and only lack the intelligence to share what they know, then in growing up they forget. What do you think?

“- hardly any human in the whole wide world- if any, past a certain age- is okay with being fully seen by others.”

I think I am pretty far on the spectrum of wanting it, but certainly to be fully 100% seen feels like a breech of privacy, like there are some things I’d like to keep so that I am not fully exposed to the world. And certain people get closer than others of course. But I am pretty sure I want to be seen more than most, I wonder if this is a personality trait due to being unseen in my past, or if I would be this way either way.. I know I am this way because I say way more that is on my mind than others do, I talk through my thought process with close friends/family. I think N found it odd, cause he rarely acknowledged or really reacted to what I was saying. But my roommate and friend P, both either laugh or join the conversation. My roommate recently told me that she has never met someone so open about their thoughts and that it encourages her to recognize her own thoughts, I really appreciated hearing this. Something I wanted to hear so badly from N, but never did, probably because he was intimidated and it only made him afraid to share his thoughts.

“…(I am thinking) that he feels attracted to an emotional woman because he considers emotionality to be weak, and he feels strong (unemotional) in comparison. I am guessing that when you broke up with him in a cold hearted manner, he lost the attraction.”

I remember when he would tell me he liked that I was emotional, but his “compliment” didn’t feel genuine, and this makes sense because it was genuine but it wasn’t in the way that I desired. He didn’t admire it, he was attracted to it. I feel like he would alternate between two versions of himself, probably based on whether I was emotional or not.. He would be supportive if I was emotional, but when I was unemotional he would imply I was weak… Like when I had my stuff together, he seemed less affectionate and harsher, so to reward when I was in the emotional state he was attracted to, but also didn’t respect. So then he would never be attracted to me and respect me simultaneously?!

“- no, never heard of it (I don’t have a TV service).”

Do you find not having TV in your life brings you a lot of benefits? if so I am curious what, because it is something that I allow to take up alot of my time and have been recently cutting down..

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

” A necessary part of healing is grieving what you never received as a child, and never will- because you are no longer a child.”

This is helpful. I will never receive what I needed before, but no need to repeat that pattern and not receive it in my future right? I understand “0% intimidation and 100% adoration” is unrealistic and I certainly do not prefer a love bombing situation over a lack of caring about how I feel, something in the middle. If there is intimidation on their part, if that is just a masculine trait then I will just need my third I with me to spot it and not let it control me.

“Part of healing, following the grieving of growing up unseen, is to lower this expectation.”

So I need to neutralize this EXTRA need to be seen, before I can actually be satisfied with the amount a healthy partner will see me. This makes alot of sense, for a long time I have felt instinctually that I would be disappointed in this way, but over time this fear has dimmed, so perhaps I have already done some healing over many years. I started to acknowledge my dads lack of genuine care when I was little, at 17 years old, so that is 7 years. Although during that time I wasn’t consciously trying to heal, it was just trying to bring awareness to my past and present feelings. I want to consciously heal, in order to fully neutralize this EXTRA desire to be seen, do I need to see myself? Or perhaps I need to “grieve” my lack of being seen, how do I grieve and lower my expectations?

“– I think that this may be true to you, and that’s why you had crushes on, and had your focus on (in middle and high school, and onward..?) guys who were not interested in you romantically, not respecting/ having crushes on guys who were interested in you…?”

Oh interesting, so I was like N in that I didn’t respect myself/ didn’t want people to see who I was on the inside? You think I would have lost interest for those guys if they gained interest?

 “Respect is too much of a human experience of cognition+ emotion, and I think of N operating like a spider: instinctually.”

This may be true. Also a thought I have had a couple time, N absolutely hated spiders hahaha.

“– in the past, when you walked away from him crying, or when you had a panic attack in the closet.. it was like a fly shaking his spider web, stimulating him into reaching out to the fly. A cold/ unmoving fly does not vibrate a spider’s web.. so he doesn’t reach out to it.”

I understand the literal meaning of this with an actual spider and fly, but how does the analogy transfer to a human relationship? Is it that he sees me about to leave he wants to stop it from happening, whereas if I move too quickly he doesn’t get a chance?

“(I did not understand the last paragraph of your most recent post of yesterday, “what it would have ACTUALLY felt like”..?)”

I just find myself falling into daydreams of if I had said something else at the breakup, what would have happened, or re-living moments to see what went wrong. And I was wondering if it was a productive thing for me to do or if I should attempt to shut those thoughts down.

Happy Monday Anita, I appreciate you being here to talk to me through and since my breakup. It is very helpful for me and a very motivating way for me to journal, process and grieve in the healthiest way I can.

Seaturtle

Dear Anita,

Thank you for what you wrote in your first paragraph.

I think part of what keeps me from messaging N is that, knowing him, I think there is a 75% chance that he would use that as an opportunity to reject me, as to try to hurt me. I feel empowered by the fact that I left the situation, and giving that up, would be harder than the feeling of being alone. The only times I have found myself tempted, are when I am out with my roommate, and I want to be rescued... We went out thursday night, and at a certain point I thought ‘If I was still with N right now I would text him to come pick me up because I want to go home.’ Two other times I was tempted, was before Christmas when I hurt my knee, I thought ‘if we were together he could come pick me up and take me home right now and take care of me.’ The other time was when I was sick and wanted to be cared for again. Sexually, I am not tempted.. which surprises me because I thought that would be a harder temptation, but instead I predict that if I did, the options are either rejection, like I mentioned above, or he would come over but he would be rough with me and I would end up with hurt feelings, which again is a worse feeling than loneliness. All these reasons I have been tempted are areas I know, I need to be here for myself, take care of myself. It is not an easy thing to accept, because I do want help sometimes, but I just have to remember taking care of me now, will only make it that much sweeter when I do meet someone who wants to support me.

“He might (mis)use the fact that you broke up with him against you and keep you shut in that cage for good, feeling too guilty to break up with him again.”

And yes, getting back with him permanently could definitely be unhealthy for this reason. The thing is, to get back with him permanently he would have to be the opposite to who he is…(just thought of that phrasing now) He would have to come to me, genuinely apologetic, and dedicated to winning me back and making me feel seen and heard, all things that are not who he is right now, he would need to have a very big revelation and change who he is for me to feel like he could love me correctly with 0% intimidation and 100% adoration. Last night I dreamt of him, but he was different. I was sad, feeling unseen, and he grabbed me, recognizing my sadness and genuinely asking me “what do you need?” that is who I wanted him to be. I woke up, and despite what you might think, did not miss him, in fact I recognized immediately that that was not him.

” I think that it’s important for him to win in a variety of contexts, including in the romantic.”

He is a puzzle to me, for reasons such as mentioned earlier, that he would push me to do things I liked like acting in the play and paying for me to go to improv class when I couldn’t afford it. Encouraging my painting, wanting me strong but not strong enough.. another puzzling fact is this; I am very coordinated athletically and mentally in games. I often pick up sports and games very quickly and often win. When we went to an arcade for the first time I beat him and his friend at all the table games, it drove his friend crazy, but N was unbothered, if anything enjoyed watching me beat his friend. I beat N at pickle ball every time, when he won it was because I went a little bit easy because I felt bad! But he was never a sore loser with games, for being a professional athlete he was not very competitive, and I know what competitive looks like because my whole family is, board games being flipped over, crying, straight up bullying in games with my dads family, but it is also cause everyone is so good, when I play with my family I do not always win, but with friends, pretty much every time. I am very competitive. But it didn’t seem like winning was super important to N… honestly him winning in that board game at his house with his mom, felt unlike him.

“I hope that … this kind of hope, or desire to change a man from low to high vibrations is not in the core of your attraction to a man.”

ME TOO. But I don’t think it is… I think I settle for less than what I want, like earlier when I said N was an upgrade from my parents. When N was late for the first couple dates, I almost broke it off, I was so close but then there was something about him that I felt like it was premature to end the relationship… in fact I wonder about this, after he had literally stood me up and I was so upset, I ended it, then the next day I didn’t feel right about it…I had a vision of it being like I was tearing out a little green root, like I was prematurely giving up on something that could grow. I thought that vision was from a good place, I wonder now where it came from, or maybe It was from the right place and I was meant to go through that relationship to learn what I have? It is hard for me to write off that vision as wrong, because I remember it feeling like intuition.

I think where my mistakes staying in the relationship began, was at 6 months. That is when we had the shroom experience, and I lost a lot of trust for him. The whole week after the experience, I remember being disappointed because doubts about the relationship entered my mind for the first time! I was upset they were there. But at that point I felt too attached to him, and thought I could solve the doubts. In trying to solve them I learned a lot about myself and what to look for (and look out for) in a future relationship, so perhaps it was all mean to be.

But funny how, 2 months in I fell in love…those six months felt wonderful. From trips to families meeting, to laying in bed on Sundays, going to the local thai restaurants, we are both foodies and loved the asian cuisine in Seattle. Then as I have mentioned before, our physical chemistry was everything I thought it should be and more. Those 6 months were heaven, I was so upset when those doubts entered, I remember wondering ‘why now, why couldn’t I had these doubts before I got this attached?’ ‘I have never been with someone for 6 months, maybe this is normal.’ ‘I do not trust him to take care of me.’ ‘I love him.’ ‘These doubts are the shrooms fault, this is a mind game and the bad trip is just lingering.’ I had nightmares about him and avoided him that week as I knew I wouldn’t be good company. Eventually the doubts got quieter and the 6 month love feeling was now at 80%, not like 100% as before but at least it was at 80 while the doubts quieted to 20. I remember having doubts right before moving to AZ, doubts about us and the new location, but I called if fear, rather than intuition.

I am happy I am living here with Molly, so I suppose there was some intuition that moving here was right, but there was a cloud as well, the cloud being living with N. A month or so after our cars were stolen, but we still made it to AZ I remember wondering if them getting stolen was a sign to not come here.. But I also thought it was a blessing in disguise that we got to do the long drive together. The drive down was a blast, we stopped in several places, another new years experience with him. Then when we lived together, we were both home a lot, as we were figuring out our job situations, it felt like a second honeymoon phase, together every single day. But then the roommate situation took away from it. causing our first ever consistent arguments. A mix of good and bad, then I moved out and saw all the bad, and left permanently.

In conclusion, I think the solution is for me to see the low vibrations, before getting so attached. Once I am attached, I want to help them increase their vibrations.

“(1) habit. It’s easier for me to walk that it is to not walk.”

I need some sort of healthy habit to start right now. For a while it was yoga, then I got sick and hurt my knee and couldn’t go, then my membership expired and it is too expensive for me to join at this time. The gym is so boring, but with my roommate it is more fun, but our schedules vary so it is hard to make a consistent habit of it. I do have a nice trail behind my apartment that I could walk more, but I get bored..

Seaturtle