Forum Replies Created
May 3, 2018 at 7:16 pm #205527
Thank you for your help and insights. I will keep those in mind.
I am scheduled for an appointment to a therapist this month. I am planning to continue healing my childhood scars and hopefully do better in my future relationships.
CheskaMay 3, 2018 at 5:49 am #205403
I told him that I can’t go a day without a text message from him (that he remembers me in a day). Then it came to a point that he missed one dayy and I would get frantic and asked him why he missed. Then I would question where he is, things like that.
He even told me that I cannot control other people and I have to trust him. The tantrums are mostly getting angry, being demanding, being controlling, questioning for all the wrong reasons.
I will never forget the last message he told me “You do your own. I do mine. You can force your actions. Not mine. Thank you for being yourself”. he means by being myself was me being selfish.
CheskaMay 3, 2018 at 5:00 am #205395
We started out as friends then he pursued me for 6 months. In that 6 months, I had a series of unstable cycle of tantrums. I mostly react in a negative way (e.g. when he doesn’t message me in a day, I bombard him with a lot of messages or even calls; when I don’t get my way, I throw tantrums; mostly selfish needs). He had to stop because he feels he can’t meet my needs and I deserve a guy who would match my needs. He said he will stay friends with me. I agreed to the setup but I was not really accepting of the friendship setup. I am still hoping he would change his mind and we can resume dating again. During the year he stopped pursuing, I still begged for his attention. I made plans with him even if his schedule would say that he is not sure. I still pushed through.
And recently, I tried making plans again. His answer was he was not sure. I asked him if he still loves me. His answer was “probably but not the way you wanted or thinking”. It made me decide to stop the friendship because it was unfair for myself that I kept treating him more than a friend but he treats/thinks of me as a friend.
As for my mother’s setup, I am happy that I can provide for her. She’s changing and I still give her benefit of doubt. Nothing is set in stone yet.May 3, 2018 at 4:19 am #205371
Thank you for sharing your personal experience. I agree with you that even early as a child, I was no longer able to feel close to her.
I also noticed that the way my mother demands at me is also the way I demand to my former partner. Basically, she is blaming you for the consequence of her actions against you –> Is it because of my upbringing that I react to my former partner the same way as my mother when things don’t go my way? Is my mother actions mirroring to my relationships?
What do you suggest I should do?
I am currently living with my mother because I am supporting her (basice needs – shelter, food). Will I be able to transform the childhood neglect / aggression my mother instill to me during my childhood?
CheskaMay 3, 2018 at 3:58 am #205365
I agree with your last statement. This is a revelation. It made me realized that during my childhood, she was somehow not a motherly figure to me. No wonder, I am closer to my grandmother (when she was still alive) and aunts than with her even until now. When she’s dramatic, she demands to have more time with her and she obliged me to treat her as a mother because she feels that I am not her daughter.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts on my issue.
CheskaMay 3, 2018 at 3:07 am #205347
Based from what I can remember, we had fights because I wasn’t cleaning the dishes or I was answering back at her. I was reprimanded for not doing the chores mostly. She yells most of the time. I used to sneak out of the house and when I came back at home, she’ll be very mad at me. There was an incident that she was very angry about a chore(?) and she had to throw something at me. I forgot to remember what was the issue back then. She was mostly verbally angry and when she’s at her peak, she’ll find something to hit us (e.g. broomstick). We were living with my grandparents when I was child. My mother and together with his brother (my uncle) technically raised me and my brother (we have a 7 year age gap). I was born out of a complicated relationship which my mother never told me until I asked (during my 20s). I asked my aunt about it and they were the ones who told me that my mother got pregnant with my father but they broke up. My father never knew that my mother was pregnant until years later. My grandparents did not like my father so they insisted my mother to raise me alone. My younger brother is a half brother. I never grew up with a real father figure and I was never close to my mother which always sparks jealousy for her. I am much closer to my aunts.
Hope this shed a light.
May 2, 2018 at 9:06 pm #205325
- This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by Cheska.
Thank you, M for the support. I will try to do what you have suggested. For now, I am still saving enough money and hopefully seek a therapist to get my mental health checked. I am glad to be part of this community that helps one another and committed in healing one another.May 2, 2018 at 8:58 pm #205323
Thanks anita for acknowledging my question.
When I was younger, my mother and I had lots of fights together. It was a bit physical at times but I learned to toughen myself. I am a bit hard headed and we don’t get along. She usually is not around during my childhood because she was taking of my brother (who was infant at that time) and my cousins in the city. At home, growing up I am at most grumpy and I focused most of my energy on my studies. At school, I am this bubbly and extrovert person. I worked hard to where I am right now. I have stable job back home and friends whom I can trust. However, when it comes to love relationships I tend to be controlling. For someone who doesn’t like being controlled, I am somehow appalled of this revelation.
As years go by, I matured. My mother and I have good relationship now. There were no physical fights and but we still come across for disagreements. Right now, my mother is scared of me because I am supporting her. I don’t like controlling people but there are something that I tend to control about her (for e.g. spending money).