I know how you feel. My last serious relationship never made it the ‘I love yous’. I felt like I was heading that way but as I’d never been there before, I was very cautious about letting myself fully get into it without ascertaining his feelings too. He very bluntly told me that he was having a great time with me but ‘wouldn’t let himself fall in love’ – the reason was that he’d be moving away back to his home country a year later and didn’t want to get into all that. I realised how cold and clinical that was, and that I didn’t want to be with someone who ‘wouldn’t let himself’ fall in love. I wanted to be irresistable and for him to not be able to help his feelings! Now with the second guy (who did eventually open himself to that), I was willing to wait, because I knew his reluctance stemmed from his own fears and past experiences. Guy number one however was purely just not up for feeling that way about me. And the fact it was a decision for him told me everything I needed to know. I broke up with him so that I could be free to meet someone capable of actually loving me.

It was the hardest break up I’ve gone through. I actually grieved that relationship on and off for over 2 years (we were only together 6 months!!) I occasionally wondered if I should have waited, and given him more time to realise how awesome I was so that he couldn’t help falling in love with me, but I knew in my heart that he wasn’t right for me. And despite the many tears shed, and the sadness and horribleness (new word!) of that break-up, one thing I could always hold on to was that I had acted with respect to myself because I knew in my heart that I deserved and wanted more than a guy who ‘wouldn’t let himself’ fall in love.

Now I don’t know your guy, and I couldn’t say if he is more like my guy 1 or guy 2 (or in a whole new category of his own!). But I think you will know if you listen to your heart. Love isn’t always as straightforward as films and novels make out, and I think there are definitely occasions where patience is required. I think the biggest test for that is basically: are you happy to be patient? Are you enjoying this relationship, and getting to know this person enough that you can justify being in the relationship without hearing those words said to you? Is what the two of you have bringing you happiness and joy on a day-to-day basis? How long could you keep going with things as they are without having him confirm his love? If you could glimpse 3 years into the future, and see that he still hadn’t said it to you, would you feel awful about wasting time with someone who wasn’t on the same page as you? Etc…

One thing for sure, there is nothing needy about wanting to be loved by your partner. Respect yourself. Trust yourself. Be brave to communicate your needs and wants and fears and dreams with this man. If he is the one for you, he will grow through this and take that leap. If he isn’t, it will hurt like hell, but you WILL move forwards and eventually he will become just one part of your history (always so much easier to say that to someone else than hear it for yourself though…).

I’m so sorry to hear what you are going through. I have seen people close to me battling with depression and I know that it is a horrible place to be. I can only imagine how it must feel when it goes on for so long and you feel like all hope is lost.

You say that you have tried numerous ways of dealing with this, so I guess it’s fair to assume that I can’t utter any magic words which will suddenly change everything for you. One thing I do know though, your worst part “I don’t know what I want” – that’s my worst part too. I have a degree, a Master’s degree and a fairly good life by all accounts, and yet I’m feeling in complete limbo right now, not sure what my next step should be, unsure of myself, and feeling increasingly fragile. I think though, a surprising number of people (especially in their late twenties – I’m 28) are feeling this way. Society places a lot of pressure on us all to be living the perfect life, in the perfect body, and knowing exactly what we want and going out to get it. Real life isn’t that clear cut. My Mum used to say a phrase that has occasionally comforted me through these moments “Everybody’s bluffing” – I think there’s definitely some truth in that. As for seeking approval – our society is built on that these days: celebrity culture, Facebook likes, Instagram likes/comments… everyone seems to be needing reassurance that they are being a successful human. I’m not saying that to belittle your issues, but to highlight that perhaps you’re not so different from everyone else as you think.

I know you may not believe me when I say it, but you are NOT a burden on humanity, and you are NOT a waste of resources. You came into this planet the same way as everyone else – someone gave birth to you and you battled your way through those vulnerable early years, to be an adult today. You deserve the same as everyone else. Some people are lucky to seem to be holding things together more successfully, but really, that doesn’t matter – and I say that as much for myself to hear as for you! We are each here living our own journeys on this planet.

I’m interested to hear that you don’t think you deserve happiness, love or fun. I’m not sure that those things need moral values placing on them. They just *are* – they are little moments that make the tapestry of life worth living – we don’t earn them, same as we don’t deserve sadness, loneliness or dislike. They are moments linked to emotions and interactions, they spring up of their own accord. 🙂

We all have negative talkers in our heads – I think that some people’s are more vocal than others. But I think, if we hunt for it, most of us have at least a little seed of hope in there too. A little positive voice seeking to be heard. I don’t think that negative and positive thoughts are ‘wrong’ or ‘right’ per se (again placing moral values!) – they just are. Your negative voice might not be *wrong* – although you give it an awful lot of power by saying that – but it might not be the only way to think about yourself.

As for ever getting better… truthfully I suppose no-one is able to answer that for you. You have obviously gone through years of feeling this way and that must be frustrating and tiring. What I do think is hopeful is that you are still searching for ways to overcome this. That seed of hope inside you is still rooted in and refusing to believe that this is it. Maybe it’s time to try encouraging that hope. Maybe try telling that negative talker in your head that actually, it might not really be a true representation of who you are and what you want out of life. And just because you have spent your teenage and early-mid twenties feeling like sh*t, doesn’t mean that that has to be it. You are the master of your own destiny. The pills, counselling, self-help books etc haven’t worked (yet!) but perhaps you weren’t ready to let them. Take a leap of faith in yourself. Dare to believe that you are really ready to rise above this and live the life you want to be living. And you might not immediately have all the answers (I’d like to meet someone who did!), but you might realise that the journey and the uncertainty, and the bumps and twists in the path can be fun in their own way – and yes, sometimes frustrating too!

I wish you all the best 🙂