Hi Anita:

Yes, and thank you. I will continue to share here as I work to address/resolve these issues as best I can. I want to ensure–as best as I can–to have healthy and happy relationships in the future.

And, yes, I’d say anger is an accurate emotion. While I wish that she would focus on herself and her relationship with her son, we split up early last year and remained friends due to our proximity and truly having only each other. However, I cannot fault her or be angry for her seeking companionship and happiness in her own way. Father’s Day did upset me but her mind is elsewhere and that is okay too I suppose. However, the lack of any true semblance of involvement with her son does make me angry. Primarily because she said how much she wanted my relationship with her son to continue. However, the fact that my ex only calls when it concerns something she needs speaks volumes about my future relationship with her son.

Hi Anita,

Thank you for responding with such an extensive reply…

Yes, my connection with her sweet son certainly helped to break my walls of disconnect and withdrawal. I had a purpose with him as a playmate, teacher, protector, and father-figure. I’ve known him for nearly threequarters of his life, so that makes the distance even harder.

What the relationship with my ex taught me is how paramount it is to be open and vulnerable with a companion. That is something I simply must work on with my therapist, as I cannot continue to hurt women (by my coldness) and I do not want to end up alone in life. I enjoy and am much better when I have a companion in this world.

-Ry

May I ask a follow-up question?

I agree with what B was saying about the loneliness and remaining fixated on the present. Obviously, this year has worn on everyone–and more so those who struggle with their mental health. As anyone can tell from my original post, there remains a strong connection in me to my ex and her son. We began seeing one another when her son was about 18-months old, so I was a part of his life for half of it. We were exceptionally close and I continue to grieve. My ex’s parents text photos/videos of him almost every weekend, but that really doesn’t take the place of anything more substantial.

My ex has a different way of coping with her emotions to an extent–neither good nor bad, I suppose. One she moved home, and I to the Midwest, she put her “walls” up as she often said. For example:

My mom always gives me shit for being someone I’m not. Being tougher than I am. Having walls and being cold. Because when I finally let go of that shit, I finally wear my heart on my sleeve again it gets shredded every time. Every fucking time.

While our relationship was ending before our move to DC, we really only had each other to rely on there, so the lines often blurred, which inevitably caused more pain and stress last year.

A test from my ex early spring 2019–from nearly the end of our romantic relationship to one of friendship:

I’m sorry that I was so angry.  I didn’t necessarily mean to take it out on you.  Much like you, when I can’t handle things anymore I shut down/clam up and retract to my cave.  Also, much like you, I don’t always let people in.  Especially when I feel that I’m the only open book.  And yes, I do need to think about me and consider what my next chapter is.  A large part of the reason I moved out here was because I was trying to solidify my building a relationship with you.  A long-term one.  I realized that was going south in November, but wanted the adventure anyway and figured this global management consulting firm could do good for my career – since I wasn’t necessarily working on my personal life goals anymore.  But, while it could do good things for my career, I just see another ladder that I have to climb and I’ve climbed enough ladders in my life that I don’t feel I should have to now with my experience and education.  I don’t expect to be CEO tomorrow, but there’s no reason I shouldn’t be at least an assistant manager somewhere, and that’s not happening with this firm anytime soon.  So, I’ll take my life back home where my parents can help watch (my son), I’ll get a place with a friend so she can help with him, and I can work on a career without having to stress about it possibly calling for nights and weekends.  And, the reason I’ve been harping on you purchasing me things lately is partially because it makes me feel like a project because you don’t let me do the same in return.  But it also means that based on what you buy, I will think about you every day for the next x amount of years.  Every time I pick up my phone for the next 2-3 years I will think about you.  Every time I open my computer.  Every time it rains and I use that umbrella.  When I lay down at night.  When I wear a raincoat.  When my son wears certain clothes.  And so on.  And it’s not that I don’t ever want to think about you again, but there’s a sense of healing that has to happen over the next couple of months and it can’t if you’re still taking care of me or packages are still showing up at my door with things that I will have for years to come.  And I don’t know how to show appreciation while protect myself at the same time.  I’ve been working on distancing myself emotionally so that when the time came I wasn’t left standing with my heart in my hands – I’ve learned to protect myself and rebuild my walls once I start seeing red flags. But, there has to come a time when our relationship clearly makes the switch from romantically involved to friends.  And not just physically, but emotionally.  Officially.  For me.  And that’s a lot of what Sunday was.  So I’m sorry I laid into you.  It’s not so much that you’re a bother as it is everything I’ve just explained.

Her walls went up again when she returned home late last year and I moved here, but yet I could not completely let go. Selfishly(?)/Stupidly(?), I would continue to buy her things on occasion to help her cope with life there back home: A speed bag since she could not go to the gym. A box of cold brew since she couldn’t grab a coffee on the way to work. Educational toys and clothes for her son. Just little things like that since I knew that money was tight and she was stuck in her apartment with her son (and depression weighs heavily on her as well). To make matters worse, an ex committed suicide shortly after she returned home:

He loved me til the day he died. I don’t know that anyone else ever will. Other than my family. I’m just tortured internally. It never stops.

I offered my support and told her I would be here if she wanted to talk about it. She briefly texted but said it wasn’t a conversation she wanted to have with an ex. And she finished with this:

Yet again, I’m friends with someone who couldn’t/wouldn’t commit to going the distance and playing the long game with me.

I guess the post of all this is that I feel like I’m wasting my time with a friendship. I feel at times like I’m being quite pathetic. I sent her a Mother’s Day card and gift; however, she did not text me until the night of Father’s Day to apologize for not wishing me a happy Father’s Day sooner in the day. (I neglected to mention that I have a daughter who’s 22.) That stung, to say the least.

Now that I’ve written this, it seems that friendship, as it is, is not beneficial to me.  She’s been seeing someone for a few months now, so it’s not as though her walls will fall and we can have a deeper friendship again. I suppose the point of this follow-up post is that I am seeking confirmation that I need to step away. No matter how much I perceived we helped one another become better versions of ourselves, it is clear that her version of a friendship is the infrequent text or sharing of a TikTok video. It’s just silly that I put so much credence in any little communication when there is nothing more than that now.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by Spry_Ry.
• This reply was modified 4 years, 4 months ago by Spry_Ry. Reason: Fix formatting

Wow! I did not expect a reply so soon. Thank you, Anita…

My anhedonia is one of the lucky features of my MDD. I have fleeting moments of happiness, but largely feel mirthless. It makes it hard to describe exactly what I’m feeling. Emotional withdrawal–which affects my relationships. Decreased sex drive. Negative feelings about myself (and others to an extent). I really have little interest in any hobbies. I just remain flat.

This is a quote from my ex from early in our relationship:

When I tell you I love you, you often explain that you’re trying to show me I can be more than I was and that I’m meant for better things. So I ask of you:  Don’t downplay yourself. R. If there were words in the English language to express how amazing you are, what a light in my day/life you are, and just how damn near perfect you are then I might come close to describing how much you mean to me. I don’t know if you feel like you don’t deserve to be loved or if it’s one of the other several scenarios running around in my head, but please don’t find it so hard to believe that someone could be so overwhelmingly fond of you.

For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with accepting love and embracing it.

Another issue is that my memories of my childhood are limited. Often, my sister tells a story involving my parents and myself and I cannot remember. I do not believe there was any abuse. My mother is often emotionally cool, so perhaps this plays a part in my issues?