Dear Anita,

Thank you again for your feedback and counsel…

I will refrain from asking about the email–unless she brings it up during the informal Q&A. I will be “bold” and ask “simple, bite-sized questions” in a gentle manner. I think last week’s revelation at the date—combined with a few too many drinks—made the idea of a coherent, sensible conversation null and void. I feel better equipped this week to ask the questions I’d need answers for.

I would rather know now if this is just a benign, casual friendship, as I don’t think I am cable of just that type of relationship with her. And I don’t want to enter that mindset only for the lines to possibly be blurred again in the future.

I will let post here on Friday about the conversation. And, yes, with her, drinks will certainly be involved.

Ryan

I agree, Anita. Yes, knowing a bit more would be helpful. We shall see. She still communicates with me, so I assume we will continue to hang out. Perhaps more info will seep out in time. However, in time, I don’t feel that I will care as much as the rawness will fade.

Ryan

Dear Anita,

I do not feel that she is overtly careless in her drinking. I have spoken to her when she has had a cocktail while at work, but we work from home in an administrative capacity, so I doubt she is alone in her day drinking at work. She does typically stay to drink at her second job at the brewery after it closes. She lives about 10-minutes away from it, so I did have her text me a few times when she would arrive home, so I knew that she was home safe. Certainly drinking and driving puts her at risk for a DUI but I get the impression that she is not overly concerned about it. We live in a rural town of about 30,000 people, so the police are likely more concerned with the meth crisis here in Appalachia.

And you may be right in your analysis, Anita. I am older than her and perhaps she would feel judged or believed I would lose whatever image she felt I had of her. In the times she did open up, I never acted in anyway less than supportive. However, based on our conversation on Tuesday night, perhaps she feared that I would react as men have before to her: With anger or the inability to have a rational conversation. Perhaps men in the past have taken advantage of her when she’s drunk and in that state of mind? I do not know.

Ryan

Morning Anita,

Yes, I too feel quite sad and disappointed about things. I felt like there was possibly something there for her too, but perhaps there was not, or there was and our disparity in our ages or some other factor(s) caused her to silence any budding feelings she may have had. While she let me in to some pieces of her life, I never felt like she really wanted to let me in to see the “real” her (or her whole self). I know her father is a recovered/ing alcoholic and her mother battled–from what she said–some intense mental health issues years ago. I’ve tried to look at things as you’ve and my friends have mentioned: her battle with anorexia, the drinking, smoking/vaping. I likely dodged what could have been a painful bullet down the road for the chance of companionship or some semblance of a relationship. She too attends regular counseling, so who knows what she battles as well.

She has messaged me at work a few times but it’s always benign. Question about a task, what she’s made for lunch, student load forgiveness by the Biden administration. She hasn’t acknowledged my email and I do not feel she will, which is fine. I needed to get all of that all. While she is in many ways an “old soul,” she is still young and not yet emotionally mature enough to talk about it. Or she simply solidified the idea of a platonic friendship in her mind after we returned from the cabin and her heart and mind is set and she has reverted back to a casual friendship: Fun and carefree without the need to dig too deep and talk about anything serious or work connect beyond the cursory.

Ryan

Morning Anita,

I ended up emailing her last night (and borrowed a bit of your language)… Felt a bit silly about it before I sent it. I thought, “I’ve only known this girl since mid-November. We were hardly what anyone would describe as ‘dating’. Why bother?” But, I felt something–even if I misread her and she did not–and thought I’d say say what I felt. I’ve included my email below:

I’ve written and erased this a few times. I put too much credence into your reaction rather than just getting the words out. This is going to be a stream of consciousness email, so it may not be the most coherent; however, I just wanted to say what I was not able to articulate in person…

Firstly, thank you for being honest with me last night, and more importantly, with yourself. It was not an easy subject to broach, as I feared that I knew what your answer to be. I wish your truth was different, but it is what it is. I am grateful that you were honest with me and didn’t feel the need to dance around your truth, as I did not want to continue slipping into the unknown.

When you pictured your life with me, you may have visualized it as a friend that you have a relationship with. A life with me could possibly tend to not be one that excites you or lends to lassitude. You may have been content with me, but I would not compliment you. I wouldn’t be that “soulmate” that gives you butterflies and makes your heart skip. It may have been good or great for a few years, but it may have ultimately been fruitless. We may have gotten caught up in our lives, our routines, and years have passed before you (or even I) may have walked away. It was better to have the realization now rather than have you compromise your heart and your months or years of your time. Life with me may not have been easy. I still battle depression and will continue to do so until my days are over. I long for a companion in life but fear the loneliness when one of us is gone. I struggle with seeing the goodness in the world and believing better days are ahead for us as a species. I am often frustrated and irritable and only want the next day to arrive to restart. We are similar in many ways as we’ve discussed, and those similarities may have doomed us regardless of any emotional ties that would have bound us.

As much as I desired the love story, my intense work on myself last year, and our brief, rather undefined relationship, helped me grow in many ways. A year ago, I had not yet evolved into the more emotionally mature man that I am now. I was comfortable keeping those walls up, even though those walls hurt more than they helped—hurt both myself and those I let close. I mentioned last night that the pandemic and this time alone was difficult, but the loneliness forced me to confront myself and my shortcomings and to work hard on them. It was difficult emotionally (and financially), but it was necessary. When I saw you across the floor at the office back in January, yes, I was enthralled by your eyes and your beautiful smile. (Yes, I did look at your butt too but I’m trying to be respectful here.) However, had I asked you out then, and if you were truly in a place in your life to be emotionally receptive—a place you simply were not at the time—I do not think our first “date” would have gone as well as I did. I would have kept my walls up. I would have been more self-deferential and less vulnerable. You would not have known how captivated and charmed I was. I would have latched onto superficial “faults” and not allow myself to let you get close. This, as what I believe was the first date for both of us in 2020, would have led you to believe that I was just another emotionally unavailable man. Rinse and repeat.

Last night was not my finest moment. It was me vulnerable and stripped bare. The tears were not so much the loss of you, as I never really had a relationship with you to begin with. Yes, I felt like something may be budding but it was more only wishful thinking on my part. The tears were more so the weight of 2020 melting away. The new job in the new town far away from everything. Finishing grad school. The mandatory telework in March. The loneliness and isolation. A job that was much less than I had expected. The regrets and longing. The hours of counseling and the work it entails. The incessant, cyclical grind of work without the release. Starting back to the gym last fall. Encountering the same type of people every time I ventured out. Traveling solo across Appalachia to force myself out of the apartment on long weekends. It all came to a crescendo last night. But I was grateful you were a part of it—and accepted and encouraged it. You touching my hand at the restaurant, and holding me in your arms at your apartment, in an attempt to assuage me was beautiful (if not endearing).

And that rawness last night that simply would not have happened a year ago. I worked weekly with my counselor to be more open, more vulnerable, to practice emotional intimacy, and not be afraid to let the other person see the real me. (That is why I asked you this morning if it felt like you saw the “real me” and it caused you to flee.) A year ago, my self-esteem would have seen the loss of a potential relationship with you as a fault with me. I would have battled my ego to convince myself I was somehow not good enough for you. I would have seen myself as not handsome enough, or not masculine enough, or not smart enough, or some other silly attribute. However, our lengthy conversations these past months—and your head on my chest in the bed at the cabin, or your hand wrapped around my arm as we drove to the cabin and back—solidified that I was a strong, attractive man and someone you enjoyed your time with. Someone you enjoyed giving a part of your time to. Someone strong and handsome. I just am not the one for you.

I recall stammering something last night about how good our sex would have been. What I mean is, in past relationships, sex was the aspect of the relationship I was best at. I had several partners tell me that sex was the only time I let my guard down and they saw the real me. The intimacy of the physical act allowed me to open up on an emotional level—which is good in a way but also detrimental. Sex allowed me to block out everything in my mind and focus solely on my partner. I allowed myself to feel unencumbered and uninhibited, and my partners fed off that and allowed themselves to be free as well. Which, of course, fed my ego as I was able to do things to my partners that others had not. While I feel, at least for myself, sex with you would have been vastly different in a positive way, it ultimately would have clouded things for the both of us. I would have felt unshackled since I was able to be emotionally intimate with you outside of the bed, but you may have attached to me on a level that veiled those feelings (or lack of feelings) that needed to be addressed.

In you, I found someone I could be intimate with, without the need to strip off our clothes. Yes, I worked my ass off in counseling to get there, but there is just something about you I connect with on a deeper level, even though you’ve only shown me a piece of you. Since that first “date” at the cocktail bar, this brief relationship has been so cathartic for me. I know there’s much we don’t know about one another, and I hope we continue to grow closer as friends. I’m not religious, and not overly spiritual, but there is a reason that I met you when I did. I’d spent so much time on myself, that it would have been wasted on someone less compassionate or someone who too hadn’t worked so hard to better themselves. I’d like to think we both benefited from our time together. At least I’d like to think so.

I tried to articulate this on the phone this morning but permit me to try again. As we have talked about before, we each battle our own demons—I know there are things that you do not like about yourself—but continue working to build your exquisite garden. You are a beautiful woman both on the surface and below. Physically beautiful both in a simplistic, just out of bed, messy hair, and chapped lips way, and in a dressed up, made-up, hair straightened (and maybe curled) sexy way. Emotionally beautiful in your kindness, decency, integrity, and generosity. You are fiercely independent while also longing for a companion on your journey. You are intelligent, hardworking, hilarious and quick-witted, self-deprecating, empathetic, compassionate, mysterious, and enthralling. Yes, I know there are parts of you I do not know. Pieces you feared to show me. However, I cannot believe the bad outweighs the good.

And, yes, I began to feel those romantic sentiments. Began to feel a love story of something beautiful that continued to ripen over time. Began to visualize traveling the world together, and maybe finding a plot of land somewhere and settling down. But it was not to be, as you didn’t feel that same “spark.” And that is okay!! And while you do not feel as I did, having connected with you and spending these few months getting to know you, is an experience I would have regretted missing out on. You have been a rarity in my life, and we met at a time where I am emotionally mature enough to appreciate you beyond the cursory. Knowing we won’t have some sort of romantic love story does ache, but I will cut those strings that I began to tie to you, and those whims and feelings will fade in time. Losing them won’t change how much I care about you. It just means that I’ll care about you on a different level. And maybe, in time, we can develop something deeper, and more meaningful, as friends. You’re by no means perfect, as we are all imperfect, but you are (as you said) an old soul and I’m happy that the universe allowed me to cross paths with you. I have strived to be the least stressful piece of your life and hope that I can continue to compliment your life.

Never forget that you are worthy of what you desire. You deserve to be loved and revered. Deserve to find a partner who is that missing puzzle piece. One you don’t have to pound into place to make fit into your life. One who doesn’t force you to lose the freedom of who you really are. One who dances with you in the kitchen as you cook. One who you believe is worth the risk.

Okay, well, this certainly isn’t an email I’d normally write. In my head, it sounds sappy and emasculating but fuck it. This is the thinking of my old self. Thank you for being you. You were certainly unexpected and unanticipated, and life had certainly been sweeter with you in it.

You need not reply. I’ll be here if you’d like to spend some time together.

I do not know if she will reply, or even call/text to say anything about the email. I do now know if she indeed felt anything substantial towards me, or if she was scared of leading me on, or if she simply enjoyed the brief friendship, and when things got a bit more serious, she felt the need to pull back? As I said, I’ve only known her for a bit over 2 months, so did I really know her? Maybe I was just smitten/enthralled with someone new after being socially isolated for most of 2020? I feel that perhaps I jumped in too quickly. I went from largely isolated to meeting her for a hike, the first “date,” to calling each other often doing work hours. Granted, we only went out about once a week, so it’s not as though we were overly steady in our physical interactions. And she grew up in the area–has a strong support group of friends and family–so I was only a minor, temporary part of her life.

We still work together–albeit remotely–so I will clearly keep things professional. We work in the same office, but hold different jobs, so our paths do not often cross (with the exception of the weekly office video meeting. I know anything longings or sadness will diminish in time. But, blah, I do despise this feeling.

Hopefully I will find a job more fulfilling soon and that aspect of life can improve.

Ryan

Dear Anita,

Last night was a hot mess but in a good way. We went out for drinks and dinner and we were talking about self-esteem issues. Eventually I steered the conversation to us and if she saw a future with us. I feared what I thought was true, as she looked down at the table, and said that she didn’t see anything long-term with me. We chatted for about 45-mins, and I actually cried at times and she grabbed my hand a few times to hold it. (The drinks had tequila so that certainly made things tougher for me to conceal, which is a good thing.)

I had a rather restless, sleepless night after I dropped her off, so I called her this morning before work. We chatted for about 30-minutes. I said that there is something about her that I rarely feel for another woman, but that I need to cut the strings that I was building towards something more. I said that want to be her friend, to which she expressed relief, but that it’s going to take time for me to adjust. I asked her if there was anything specific about me that caused her to know that I wasn’t a long-term partner. She said that there was nothing specific, but she just knew that I wasn’t a life partner for her. She had been married before for a few years and realized it after it was too late, and didn’t want to repeat that experience–even though they remain close friends.

She did thank me for opening up and actually talking to her about this. She said that with her past experiences in relationships, her partner often does not react in a mature, respectful manner–which is what caused her some trepidation in approaching me about her feelings–and that she was relieved that we could talk like adults. She also said that our relationship helped her realize what she wants and deserves in a relationship: That there exist better caliber men in this world and that she needs to wait for me and not accept anything less.

Does it still sting? Obviously. At the same time, I have been in her shoes so many times, so this allows me to empathize more with the women I often waited too long to tell them I did not see a future together. Also, it’s better that we talked now before either time went by and I became more frustrated with the relationship, or sex possibly happened, and this caused her to form an attachment that she regretted.

And as I said before, while she is a beautiful person with a remarkably beautiful soul, who is wise beyond her years, there were red flags that I tried to ignore: The smoking/vaping, the excessive drinking, and whatever “rotten pieces” she said that she fears sharing with me. I took wanted a love story but this was not to be.

Dear Anita,

Again, that you for making and taking the time to reply. Just having the ability to write out these thoughts and get some real feedback is truly beneficial. Thank you for allowing me space to vent and for always giving such excellent counsel.

First, I want to explain a bit of my “detailed attention to who initiated what and who touched whom where and when.” The intention with the detail was that it did not appear as though I was the one who initiated every physical interaction. While I initially kissed her on our first date, and the kiss in the cabin’s hot tub a week ago, I didn’t’ want it to read as though I was the aggressor in our physical contact. Aggressor may not be the right term but a better one escapes me. I felt it important that you or the other readers knew that she would often touch my leg or arm before I touched her, so it did not read so myopic.

Also, I suppose that I wanted to paint a realistic—versus romanticized picture of her. Her ex being a meth addict. Her battle with anorexia, alcohol, and vaping. I did not intend to add any legitimacy to my thoughts of ending whatever type of relationship this was. When I saw her at work a year ago, with her beautiful eyes and smile, I did not think that I would see her again (if I did) until after we returned to the office—whenever that may be. It was storybook tale in a way of her transfer to my office and not knowing it was the girl I saw from a distance all those months before in the office. Obviously, we all have our flaws and vices, so I didn’t want to paint her as a Disney princess by leaving out part of what makes her who she is. I think she is beautiful, intelligent, empathic, passionate, introspective, outdoorsy, and so many other positive qualities. But I am sure there is a darkness or secrets that she may not ever reveal. That does not diminish my interest.

I agree with you that a large part of my anxiety is a fear of rejection. Not so much that she would stop spending time with me, but more so that she doesn’t know if she wants the relationship to grow deeper and possibly blossom into something greater. However, I am leaving out a very important detail…

When I relocated here to the Appalachian area of the United States last January, I was hoping for a better job opportunity. I knew that moving to a small town of about 30,000 people would be a significant change from the large city I lived near before. However, I hoped that the job would be a steppingstone and the area would grow on me. I worked to finish grad school and When the Covid pandemic hit in March, and we were all sent home to work, I spent a long year largely alone in my apartment. As I mentioned before, I worked on embracing my own company. Eventually I found a new counselor and returned to the gym again. The last few months of the year I truly felt like I made some progress. I made peace with the guilt and sadness I held for my ex (and I continue to stay in touch with her and her son on a weekly basis.) I also worked on applying for jobs outside of this area, which is diametrically opposed to what I worked on in counseling.

Part of my work with my counselor was to work on mitigating my expectations and accepting things as they are. We also worked on being less nomadic and to find a spot to call “home” rather than seeking contentment in a new location or relationship. Unfortunately, I am not heeding my counselor’s guidance—both in work and in this relationship.

This job is not at all what I thought it would be and I am quite unhappy and unfulfilled. I have applied for jobs both here in town within the agency in another office and in a few other cities around the country. I have had interviews with a few and had a second interview with one last week. And while I had an interview for a job here with this agency a few months ago, nothing became of it. So, a significant part of my stress is anticipating/expecting to get a job offer that takes me away from here. This could come in a few weeks or possibly later if the interviews do not go as well as I hope.

With these possibilities creates the conundrum if this relationship has a future, and if so will it materialize before a possible/probable job offer, or if not, am I offered a job and then walk away from something possibly grand? While I discussed having interviews outside of this agency here back when we first started hanging out in mid-November, I have not spoken of the interviews to her, which may be unfair to her. Yet, I don’t want to poison or hinder something that may be there if there is a chance I am leaving.

Obviously, this is something I would discuss with her if and when the time comes, but it just feels too early to do so. As she said last Wednesday, she does not yet know what she wants. There is a connection and attraction between the two that has been acted upon, but does she want more? Does she want to continue to peel away the layers and find a possible deeper connection? Yes, there is the fear of rejection, but I don’t foresee a complete rejection (especially if things never progress.) She does not strike me as a “friends with benefits” person, nor do I want that with her; however, I really do not want to spend our time together not really knowing if we’re just friends who hold each other and occasionally kiss. The undefined and uncertain, rather than a fear of rejection, feels like a greater weight on me.

Before I wrap up, something else came to mind. “Acceptance” also includes accepting of her life here. She grew up in this area. Has friends and family here. Has been divorced for a year—after 3-years of marriage—and has worked with a counselor and on her own to better herself. I need to respect and cherish that. I don’t NEED to hear from her every day. Though I often do. She has always made time to see me when I’ve asked, even though I limit my “asks” to once a week. She has never cancelled and always enjoys my company and I hers. She needs space and time to navigate uncharted waters and I need to allow that.

As she posted on her Facebook on Jan 1:

I’m so thankful for everything 2020 has brought me – new connections, loss, success, more compassion, more patience, isolation, independence, introspection, tenderness, and Much more. A chapter of growth closed, and I open my eyes to the light of a new bud of my life… me. I will carry with me every part of me I found in 2020 and will continue to water, heal myself, gently feed the next and new pieces of me. Don’t forget to feed and water yourself and remember gardening is messy and difficult work, but it’s also rewarding. Thank you to all the people who touched me-for the experiments, for the lessons, for the laughter, and for the tears.

I am enough. I am enough in all my forms. I am beautiful in my simplicity and educated through my mistakes. There is strength and courage in my tears and wisdom in my weakness. I come in many, ever-changing forms, all of which carry a part of me, all of which are worthy of love, respect, compassion, honor, and pride. I am just as tender, kind, and beautiful when the dishes are piled up, when I don’t even get dressed to go to the store, or when I can’t make myself get out to see friends. I am still intelligent, steady, and measured when I fall, when I am wrong, and when I feel the weight of 100 things at once paralyzing me. I am still accomplished, wise, and creative when I don’t make that deadline, haven’t written in weeks, or just want to drink wine and watch Netflix in bed. I am still a good mother when I don’t get that hike in and get my pup out to play. I am beautiful, kind, intelligent, thoughtful, empathetic, hardworking, humorous, and patient. I am enough. Always and forever.

“’Well said,’ replied Candide, ‘but we must cultivate our own garden.’” – Voltaire

Dear Anita,

Thank you for the Christmas wishes! I apologize for the delay in replying, as I haven’t logged into TB in some time. I hope your Christmas was a joyous one.

I continue to hang out with my coworker friend at least weekly. We typically go out to dinner and have cooked for one another this month. Things were largely platonic, albeit it the occasional touch on the arm or back by the both of us. I did stay the night at her place—in her bed—about two weeks ago, but I did not instigate anything sexual out of respect for her (though we did hold each other a bit during the night). We had been drinking after dinner and I didn’t want to risk driving home, so she offered for me to stay.

I had planned a day trip this past holiday weekend to see some sights on the eastern part of the state. She suggested we get an Airbnb, which I did, and we ended up staying in a very cozy cabin. We had a few drinks as we relaxed for the night and moved to the hot tub outside on the covered porch as the snow fell. Again, out of respect for her, I did not pursue anything sexual, but I did kiss her. She hungrily reciprocated and we ended up kissing (or making out) several times that night and the next day. My hand was on her leg as we drove back, as she kept her hand on my arm or shoulder. It was all very sweet and romantic in a sense. She would often touch me before I would touch her, even though it felt that I initiated most of the kissing.

We had left a few things in my car as we unloaded on Monday night, so after a doctor’s appointment on Wednesday, I offered to drop her things off at home for her. (We still work from home due to Covid-19.) She said that would be great, so I stopped by after my lunchtime appointment. She was having a quite bad day, so we talked for a bit before I moved to leave. I gave her a warm embrace and then kissed her; however, while she did initially kiss me back, she pulled away and turned her head. I mumbled and apology and said something to the effect that, “We don’t have to kiss if you don’t want to.” To which she replied, “I don’t know what I want.” And with that I left and waited to see if she’d call/text.

She went on to text this later Wednesday night:

“You’re not the reason I’m in such a piss poor mood. I’m sorry if that affected you / if you got any of it. I really didn’t want to have you get any misplaced frustration or sadness or whatever it is I’m feeling. Whatever it is it’s all over the map and hard to nail down, but whatever it is, it’s not for you. I do know that. And thank you for being understanding.”

I just don’t know, Anita… I understand that she may not be emotionally ready for a relationship since she divorced last January. She did say that the first time we went out was the first time she’d gone out on a date since her divorce, and I do not believe she is dating anyone. And while she works a professional job with me during the day, she also works as a server on Friday and Saturday nights, so she does not really have time to date (at least that’s what she claims). I will usually stop there at the restaurant on Saturday nights to see her and to grab a beer and some dinner. There’s an obvious connection and chemistry between us but I know that our working together—eventually within the same office walls—causes her some worry. Perhaps the weekend away in the cabin allowed her to forget about life for a moment and she could relax and enjoy her time with me? She did say in the hot tub that she would not allow herself to have sex with me, as sex causes her to form an intense emotional connection and she isn’t ready for that. I replied that I didn’t intend to have sex with her, as our this was only the second time we’ve kissed. I just find the friendship/relationship more stressful now, as there is such a strong connection, but she appears fearful of it or wishes to remain unencumbered by a relationship.

I am still working to find another job and likely move away from here. While I do not do my nightly walks as much anymore due to the frigid weather, I do try to visit the gym a few times per week. I certainly need to work on the mindfulness exercises you had recommended, as the job and this solitary life here certainly feeds my anxiety. I just didn’t want this relationship with her to feed into it as well, but it feels like it is. Part of me wants to see where it goes, or if it grows deeper, but another part of me wants to walk away and try to remain just coworkers. After this past weekend, and her response on Wednesday, I just don’t know where I stand, since she clearly does not either.