Hi Anita, thank you.

I was wanting to come back and respond to everything, but so much has happened that I feel like I need to talk about that first. Last night, I had yet another conversation with my sister about her and my niece and nephew being loud at night, causing me to not get any sleep. I didn’t even confront her, it just came up. I told her that I wouldn’t even mind if they could just be more quiet, or take the conversation into the living room instead of right next to my bedroom. Her bedroom shares a wall with me and it’s very thin walls. She said the problem is that the living room is less comfortable for them based on the seating arrangement and they can’t bond as well in there, and that this has been their routine since they were little kids. The routine being her going to bed and the kids following her to her room and talking to her before she goes to sleep. She then suggested I just go to bed earlier. I’ve tried to do that. But it’s pointless to fall asleep around 11 pm when I’m going to be woken back up at 3:30 am with my niece and nephew stomping around and laughing.

She then gets increasingly upset and just says, “I don’t know what to do about it then. I guess I’ll just have to tell them to stop coming into my room.” I just was exasperated by this because it felt like she was blaming me for taking away their only bonding and special time they get. I was thinking, why can’t everyone just… go to bed earlier? Anyway, I said, “No, see now that makes me feel bad. I just think I need to try to work towards moving out. We are all on different schedules and I want and need my own space anyway.” She goes to bed and is obviously angry.

She then texts me a few minutes later because like clockwork, my nephew walks into her bedroom to talk. She texts me “sorry he’ll leave soon.” I was like, what is this? I didn’t ask for this. Then he left and she texted me, “he’s gone now sorry.” I responded annoyed and said that I could tell I had upset her and I didn’t say she couldn’t have them in her bedroom anymore, that I just was asking for them to be more quiet. And I said that I didn’t even mind on nights when I’m off work. She responded with, “ It’s gotta stop tho I know you get mad about it enough to want to leave living here.” I said, “I want to move out because I want to move out.” She responded with, “ I’m not talkin about it anymore I will tell Rei tomorrow.” And just left me on read and hasn’t talked to me today.

This exact cycle: this confrontation and then IMMEDIATE shutdown and cold shoulder is the worst trigger for me. I cannot stand to be punished for trying to talk and then someone controlling the conversation like this. She’s always been like this. I really think this is where my wounding began, considering she’s pretty much one of my main caregiver figures from childhood. This is what we’ve talked about: the inconsistent support being so bad. She will be the most supportive sister and listen to me and hear me out, and then BAM: you talk about a subject she can’t handle and she absolutely punishes you for it. I feel as though her responses were resentful and passive-aggressive and baiting me to feel bad for her. Am I wrong?

Hi Anita,

The timing of my posting from last year that you mentioned is very interesting and funny. I didn’t notice! Also, the formatting of my message here is not allowing me to italicize your words, so I’m sorry for any legibility confusion in my response.

“This conflict between self-blame and the desire for acknowledgment of mistreatment has caused you significant distress.” — Yes. Also, we’ve discussed the inconsistency. I feel guilty for speaking badly of my family when I know they are fighting their own battles to show up exactly how I need them to at all times.

I got a new counselor around April of 2024 who was about an hour away. The commute was tough with my work schedule, so we had to resort to after work evening Zoom sessions. After only 6 sessions, my counselor essentially dropped me as a client. She offered to continue to try CBT with me about my breakup, but she felt ill-equipped for my health anxiety and extreme rumination. This was a huge bummer to me because she had initially been very enthusiastic about trying to see if I have OCD, and to help me with that. But she admitted she really didn’t feel we were moving anywhere. She was also straight out of grad school, so I understand I was a very tough first client to be put with. I kind of like to joke that even my own therapist dumped me. Dumped by your own therapist sounds like a Seinfeld episode plot… ha. She had suggested that ERP is an effective treatment for people with OCD, but that with my physical limitations and actual issues with swallowing from EOE, she didn’t feel comfortable. That also bummed me out because I haven’t heard of any other method to help people get out of OCD.

“In essence, you were caught in a cycle of self-blame and self-doubt, making it difficult for you to acknowledge the mistreatment you were subjected to, and move forward. You recognized this as a major mental block but was struggling to reconcile your sensitivity with your right to be treated well and to heal.” — Yes. Again, feeling like I made him feel critiqued/unaccepted is hard for me to accept and makes me understand why he might have left. I hate that I didn’t learn about avoidant attachment until after our breakup, but I really do think he exhibits signs of avoidance all over his life. I wish I could have been more mindful of this? But again, it takes two, and I suppose he could have also been more curious and understanding about MY attachment style and triggers as well.

“You needed her to become capable so that you (the part of you that’s enmeshed with her of her) can become capable?” — Yes, if my mom is not thriving, I worry about her and feel like I am betraying her if I “leave” her and level up. Just yesterday, my mom fell pretty hard on our concrete driveway while I was at work and hurt her hip. Luckily, my niece found her and helped her up. She will be 71 in February. I mentioned here last year that her turning 70 was rough on her. I know this is hard for her and it breaks my heart for her to see her get injured so easily and aging. It feels that all I’ve ever seen or known is loss, sickness, weakness, and death from my caregivers.

“I admire your strength and resilience through it all.” — Thank you so much for your kind words. I don’t feel strong. I feel like the weakest one in the family (mentally). Positivity is so difficult for me. And concerning my health and not getting clear answers, I will be continuing to try to figure things out, yes.

As for my ex, yes I will be unfollowing soon. I planned on doing it yesterday night, but funnily enough – Ripley (the coworker who I heard him with the night he broke up with me) posted a screenshot to her Instagram story of their Instagram chat yesterday morning. I was taken aback so much by that because I haven’t seen mention of him in her social media presence since our breakup. Why am I still looking at her stuff? Sad curiosity from someone jealous of her freedom and ability to have his friendship, I guess. I suppose I have to block her now too. It made me feel crazy SEEING their chat. It made me feel so irrelevant and I just wanted to reach out to him and ask him why he lied to me. But I didn’t, of course. Knowing we’ve been broken up now longer than we were together really stings. Him being okay with not reaching out even ONCE after all of this yet being fully engaged with others is really hard to accept.

Maybe me not reaching out is the best option, because I AM trying to get validation from him. It’s not for me to just speak my mind. I DO think I need him to validate my pain so I can finally feel my pain and start healing. If he were to tell me that I do in fact deserve better and he screwed me over, I think I’d finally believe it. Then again, I’d worry he’s just saying that to get me out of his hair. I don’t think I can trust his words. And that’s considering he would even respond! I don’t trust my own feelings yet. Maybe hearing his would just confuse me more. Maybe they would help me – but again that feels like looking to him for MY own truth again.

“My (ongoing) healing process, or journey, wouldn’t have been possible if I didn’t go back to my childhood, figuratively, so to pick up the emotions I left there unattended. No wonder I lived a miserable, dysfunctional adult life, being that this very vital part of me (those intense, impactful emotions of childhood) was abandoned and left behind.” — I know this is an incredibly difficult journey, too. I really appreciate your perspective considering all you have been through.

Hi Anita and Helcat. And Moutoshi!

I apologize for my 9 month absence. Basically everything that was going wrong the last time I posted continued to be complicated and every time I thought about making an update post, another thing would happen. I appreciate everyone’s responses.

My swollen lymph nodes never got figured out. I’ve now had 5 ultrasounds on them, the needle aspiration procedure ended up being more risky than it was worth as one of my swollen lymph nodes was RIGHT at my jugular vein and even the doctor performing the procedure warned me heavily to not swallow or move a centimeter while he did it. They never found obvious signs of cancer but my cells were still “abnormal.” My lymph nodes basically swell up and some days they don’t. I am hoping it’s just a stress reaction like we’ve discussed. More health related anxiety issues have arisen since I last posted.

I recently applied for a cheap apartment in my area even though I know I will be able to barely afford it. Still waiting to hear back. My full time job has been my identity and I left my other job finally that was part time back in June after 3 years of working there.

I come here in this new year to ask a question. As an update on my breakup: it has now been 1 year and 4 months since the breakup and about 1 year and 3 months since my ex ghosted me. We haven’t spoken since. We have continued to follow each other on Instagram this whole year and watch each other’s stories. He has liked 2 of my posts in this time. I’ve been confused as to why he even still hangs around my profile considering he clearly isn’t interested anymore. I mentioned in my previous posts that I was contemplating unfollowing him or blocking him, or perhaps reaching out one last time to try to get closure. I just wanted to know what happened, why, and why he even lied about wanting to still be friends after the breakup – and said it so enthusiastically if he didn’t even mean it. It has made me feel like the whole relationship was an act to him in retrospect if he made it out to be like the friendship meant so much for him to keep and yet ghosted me days later… forever. I wanted to reach out and ask him why he lied about this, or perhaps what he got out of any of this. I also have been so irked that he really never saw me cry or upset beyond the night of the breakup when I was trying to plead for us to make it work. I honestly think he doesn’t even know I was hurt. I think he thinks this was an amicable ending. This whole time that has passed, I’ve tried desperately to just look unbothered and confident, in hopes that it would make me look more attractive in his eyes and he’d question his decision to leave. Or at the least, to retain any of my dignity. I’m realizing that all of my mourning and pain never really got to be acknowledged by him or seen at all.

I know only one thing for sure: in the year and four months that I have continued to follow him on Instagram, I’ve tried to find proof of him never caring about me, him moving on, etc. and thought that there would be a lightbulb moment to happen for me – that something would be posted by him to show me it’s time to let go. But I’ve found that unfortunately, nothing it seems is going to make me feel that certain enough to want to let go. The truth is that I don’t want to let go. And I never got to tell him that he hurt me. And doing all of these daily check-ins to his profile have made me physically sick over time. Not to mention, jealous. He went to Japan for two weeks back in October. So I basically have to just cut myself off from this addictive cycle and supply, even if I don’t feel ready to. I guess. I worried that I would be traumatizing myself more if I let go before I was ready. But I’m now just thinking that I don’t think I’m ever gonna be ready to stop looking into his life. The curiosity and worry never went away. I vowed to myself that I cannot waste another entire year on surveillancing him. 2024 is gone and I have no progress to show. I’m still in the early stages of grief, still hung up on the shock and disbelief and the why. So maybe unfollowing him will finally allow me to start processing this? But should I just leave silently, or should I send him a message to get all this off my chest? I feel that I can’t trust anything he has to say, and the peace I’m looking for and the apology from him for hurting me is just not gonna come. But I also worry that until I let my pain be known that I’ll be blocked from healing. What should I do?

Thank you and I hope you had a happy New Year.

Hi Anita

I hope you are doing well. Just checking back in to say that I’ve been sick for the past two weeks on antibiotics and have also been out of work trying to catch up from home. I will respond once I can get settled back into my routine. I will be going back to work tomorrow.

Hi Anita

I’ve been stressed with work and trying to keep up with my new responsibilities there, I apologize for my absence here.

“Can you tell me later, when you have the time, what you think about the concept of toxic shame (did you read about it.. I don’t remember if we discussed it before, did we?). ” — Yes, we’ve discussed this at the beginning of my thread because you mentioned that my ex and I both have inner toxic shame in common. That the theme of his life seems to be shame, as does mine. Your explanation about toxic shame makes sense to me. I can see how much I’m beating myself up about this all – yet it feels equivalent to the issues I caused. However, I’m sure that I’m overreacting as well because it’s what I do in every area of my life. Hence why I don’t trust myself. I see that it’s not serving me; it’s not productive. I can’t hate myself into loving myself, but I can’t get over the fact that I pushed him away so hard to the point to where he even lied to me about wanting to stay friends after the breakup.

“I hope that you don’t call him and apologize again and instead, correct the part of your behavior that was wrong in the future, with other people. And remember he was and is far from being perfect.” — I didn’t, and haven’t. I’ve been in No Contact with him since the last time we talked after he ghosted me back in September. He actually posted an Instagram Story last night of his cat sleeping on top of his “I’m Kenough” hoodie I picked out for him to buy back in July. I’ve been waiting for him to post that hoodie because when I saw it was available for preorder after the Barbie Movie came out, I showed it to him and we both laughed and he immediately ordered it for himself. Sounds silly, but when we met, we were so excited about that movie and by the time we went to go see it in theaters, it had been something we were waiting to do together. We dressed as Barbie and Ken in my homemade outfits I painted for us and we had such a great time just bonding over that all. So for him to be showing his hoodie online knowing I’ll see it… it just hurts and my knee-jerk reaction is to assume it’s a jab at me to make me upset, or it’s an attempt at baiting me to reach out. I had to stop those thoughts though and understand that the world doesn’t revolve around me and he probably doesn’t care at all or even had those thoughts. It’s just that me being that hyper-sensitive and sentimental person could not do that or even wear that hoodie without getting sad. I contemplated “liking” the photo just to acknowledge it, but that would be me breaking my own attempt at No Contact and giving him space. I also recognize that this reads like a 15-year old’s diary, and yes I’m embarrassed of myself.

“What do you think of my input in regard to the nonpromising aspect of a relationship with him to begin with?” — I think I don’t see the red flags you can see in him as clearly because for him to not have a clear aim in career in life, living at home still, or to be playing video games doesn’t sound so bad to me. I also like video games and also still live at home at this age. I guess I at least have the goal of ultimately working my way up to working in a museum with my library experience, though. I also don’t spend all day playing video games, I do it a couple times a month. And I absolutely HAVE to move out for my own sanity. But ultimately, all of these typically undesirable traits in him didn’t bother me about him because of our connection. He wasn’t a bad guy, he was kind and understanding. I know you’re not saying he’s a bad guy, more so that he’s just aimless. Maybe I was attracted to him because we are on the same wavelength, and maybe that’s not a good thing.

“Your focus on him liking photos of women in bikinis etc., that’s your deep emotional wound that his activities triggered. An appropriate partner for you would be one who is busy working, doesn’t watch pornography, and doesn’t like girls in bikini photos, not because you told him not to, but because that was not his habit to begin with.” — I guess I just don’t feel that this kind of person exists in my age bracket anymore, so I feel silly for my concerns and hang-ups about it to begin with. I would love to believe if he were a suitable partner that the night of our breakup could have gone differently. Perhaps my blowup on him could have ended in him caring too much about hurting me to leave me and instead trying to understand me better and work through it together? I tried to be understanding to his decisions and thoughts that night but I know that my behavior came across as if there was no repair he could have attempted for me anyway. It’s always been hard to understand whether my desires for a different outcome are due to my delusional expectations or if they were perfectly reasonable with someone ready for that level of commitment.

Hi Anita

Thank you for your explanation and perspective on why you don’t think I’m a toxic person. I get very in my head about stuff.

“Often, a child who is really rejected by a critical parent grows up into an adult who assumes (projects) that others are also rejecting him or her when it’s not the case.” — Also, I feel that my new rejection wounds are from men who leave me after expressing my concerns. And men who reassure me for an extended period of time and then leave me after trust was built. I didn’t have such activated rejection fears yet in my first relationship.

“When people in your family who have mistreated you accuse you of being too sensitive and overblowing situations, that’s further mistreatment on their part, mistreatment on top of mistreatment. It is sad when your perspective really doesn’t even matter in your own home.” — I’m not trying to be difficult here; I’m sincerely trying to have something click for me. How can I say that I have been treated unfairly from people saying I’m too sensitive and overblow situations when I actually DO overblow situations and react very sensitively to things? I guess I am thinking black and white here. If I’m the problem, I don’t feel I have the right to say I’m being mistreated or “deserve” a better partner.

“On the other hand, when you inaccurately project being mistreated by others, for example, taking it personally that he liked bikini photos,  as if those likes indicate that he feels that you are not attractive, and expressing that he was a bad, guilty person for liking those photos, that’s having a chip on your shoulders, I suppose.” — But he admitted that he was lusting after those photos and losing interest in me in the process due to that and the distance and other things he wouldn’t elaborate on. How do I not take that personally? It’s like I feel that I don’t have the right to say I was mistreated because I sabotaged and overblew the situation, but yet my pain feels warranted when I remember he admitted to what I was fearing over his actions. I’m not trying to argue with you, or with any of these points. Again, I’m trying SO hard for this to click with me because I feel this is THE biggest mental block that is keeping me from moving forward.

To answer your last question: NYE was very hard even though I worked all day. The past couple of days have been rough too from the usual rumination. I had another nightmare about him this morning. I hope your holiday was nice and you’ve had a good start to the new year!

Also, I’m sorry for the formatting… I’m not sure what happened there.

Ah, I missed it by two days! Merry (late) Christmas to you as well, Anita! I wanted to pop in before but had to work Christmas Eve and was so tired afterwards. I’ll go ahead and wish you a Happy New Year as well just to stay ahead. Also, thank you for wishing me a happy birthday too.

“In other words, magnification often involves exaggerating the unpleasantness of a situation while minimizing actual or potential positive elements.” — I agree that I do this. I think the minimization is also a protective technique to try to prepare myself for any possible disappointment: if I never get too enthusiastic about anything and downplay its importance, then I won’t be so embarrassed or hurt when it inevitably blows up in my face. That never really saves any embarrassment or hurt, though. I hid my relationship from social media and most of my friends until at least the 6 month mark in fear I would “jinx” us. The messy part comes in where I worry that I really DID exaggerate something I perceived as negative that actually wasn’t… or my life is just a complete set of self-fulfilling prophecies. My first therapist said it was. I’ve now had every guy I’ve ever dated tell me I look for problems and believe in them so hard that I eventually create them. I can’t trust my own judgment after hearing this much feedback. I can’t tell what’s real from what’s not anymore and if I’m truly at fault for sabotaging my relationships – especially my latest and he was right, then I feel hopeless. The self-blame overwhelms me, and like you said, I don’t really allow myself any room to consider that my ex wasn’t perfect. All I have been able to place and blame him for in any of this was not being honest with himself and me, especially after all the relationship check-in opportunities I gave him.

“I’m getting super concerned with myself that I’m not progressing AT ALL with this…”- there’s the exaggeration.” – I feel like I’m getting worse because I’m realizing he didn’t even try to argue with me and tell me that he still found me attractive after admitting to wandering eyes for other women. He seemed fed up with my paranoia and over me. The thought of losing me should be too much for someone who was in love with me. At least, that’s how I see it. Everyone is different and I understand he wasn’t equipped to meet me where I was at, but I see that his passion for me/us fizzled from where it was originally. I’ve read the whole point of going no contact is to work on myself and focus on moving on or else the effort is pointless. Sometimes all I want to do is just reach out and try to get closure of some sort, or maybe say goodbye to him. I know that’s not going to work though, it probably would cause me more damage. I had a dream last night where I confronted him and started arguing with him, telling him everything I’ve been wanting to say. I woke myself up yelling at him and crying.

… “Not until this guy… who claims to love me so much thinks I’M impressive? Then I’ve won.” — this point here where you quoted me reminded me of how right before we broke up, he admitted his biggest celebrity crush being Taylor Swift and how if a man were to get with her, then that’s the “ultimate prize and indicator he’s won in life.” (there’s a lot more to this story and why we were even talking about celebrity crushes. Let’s just say it was an ongoing argument and it hurt my feelings… shocking). It just hurts knowing how much he meant to me and how little it seems like I meant to him by the time he was checking out.

“Personally, from what you shared about him, I am not impressed with him. On the other hand, I am impressed with your intelligence, with how well you use the English language to express yourself.. you sound very educated and kind…”  — Thank you for this. It means a lot to me to be perceived as capable and smart, and I value your perspective.