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Stacy

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  • in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #423744
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Yes, it’s hard to see that he may be settling with his life considering how much we talked about wanting to have our own spaces. We even joked about getting excited over buying our own dish cloths someday. I’ve been crying so much again over him lately that I think I am going to just have to accept that the pain is here to stay until further notice. That’s all I can do, just let myself hurt without making myself feel bad about it, no matter what anyone else has to say about my process. I just hope something eventually clicks for me and the pain will lessen someday. Letting myself just imagine not crying over him and hurting so much constantly would be a win for me. And like you said, proving to myself that my life has value to keep going.

    I got a car update today. The repair bill stands at $700 so far, which will take just about all of my upcoming paycheck. Also, a few months ago I noticed a small pea-sized like “ball” in the right side of my neck. I tried to tell myself it was just a swollen lymph node. Well, now it’s at least twice that size as I just noticed it again today at work. I’m getting really concerned it could be something serious so I called an ENT and have an appointment scheduled for December – the earliest they could see me. My consultation alone is going to be $220. It’s impossible to save money like this, but I hope they don’t find anything serious. I don’t know why I’m sharing this here, I just am really worried about it on top of this other stuff.

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #423717
    Stacy
    Participant

    Helcat – I will respond to you soon! My night got away from me and I have to force myself to sleep. I hope you are doing well and I appreciate your responses!

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #423716
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I hope you have been well since we last talked. This morning when my mom was taking me to work, we got into road construction and she became very frazzled very quickly and my stomach just immediately went in knots and I had to help her understand where to go even though I was figuring it out on the spot too. It’s this same feeling I’ve always had with my mom, she stresses so much and I have to take over and make things less stressful for her in that moment. I can’t relax, I miss having my ex being able to handle stressful moments like this and knowing I could sit there and RELAX while he handled it calmly.

    “… and then, because of the breakup, your objective circumstances deteriorated (you had to move back home with your family, couldn’t get enough sleep, lost the better paying job, etc.), then the breakup would have been a huge loss objectively.” — That’s true. That’s why I actually only ever wanted to just move closer to him and have my own place. At least for the next several years. I was afraid of moving in with him, I’ve seen too many times how that mistake can crumble a person. But yes, even if I got my own place anywhere else, there is always the possibility of having to come back home.

    “There were two instances early on into our relationship about possible hurdles for us and he genuinely was worried about me dumping him over them. We talked them out and I know he cared a lot, I saw it and felt it through his actions“- what actions?” — When we first discussed possibly lifestyle incompatibility over his weed usage, he said he was willing to do whatever he could to accommodate me and make it work. He then always kept it away from me, and never once made me feel pressured to smoke weed with him, or resentful that I wasn’t. I even told him I felt bad if he felt that he had to hide parts of himself from me. He said it was fine after checking in with him a few times. The only issue (that I’m aware of) came up with the wedding in July, and I was understanding to that because it was someone else’s celebration. The other time was when he brought up the worry over him not being completely healed from being cheated on from his ex before me, he showed a lot of concern for how that could possibly affect us and gave me consistent care and affection for months after that. I guess you could argue that was still around the first 3 month period where most people are putting on their best face.

    “All through the relationship, he lived with his parents because he couldn’t afford a place of his own (“we are both stuck living back home with family in bad financial positions“), and he spent a lot of time- not looking for a better-paying job- but on gaming and liking photos online.. again, not promising.” — I always found it hard to understand why he hadn’t moved out by now, even to just a tiny apartment outside of the small, utopian retirement town he lived in because he made decent money compared to his expenses and had his weekend side hustle with house/dogsitting. He claimed he didn’t make good money and couldn’t afford anything but he made $17.50/hr. which is good in our area, especially without a degree. I never questioned him because I felt it was extremely hypocritical of me considering I was in the same boat, and we weren’t engaged or anything so I felt that his finances were none of my business. Near the end of our relationship, he revealed he wasn’t even working completely full time at his main job anymore and was actually making more money housesitting on the weekends. I found that odd and wondered why he had chosen less hours. I say all that to say that perhaps he really was not in a place to actually want to move any time soon, even if he felt like he wanted to in theory. On the night of our breakup when he was trying to argue that I didn’t want to leave my family, town, or job (completely untrue), I was trying to tell him I could work towards moving to his town and that I was always looking at places to rent. He snapped back quickly and said, “THAT YOU CAN’T AFFORD!”

    “To feel like I had ANY part in messing up what was meant for me/us just really is hard to shake off”- meant by whom? — Sorry, I’m not sure what you meant here but I was just saying that I worry I possibly had a hand in ruining a quality relationship that was meant to be for us. And yes, I definitely can’t imagine being someone not filled with shame or guilt or crippling insecurities that I project onto others. I don’t even want to ever date again solely because of my social media jealousy hang ups…

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #423578
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Thank you for organizing my thoughts so neatly, I will definitely take these notes to a therapist when I can. I already re-read my thread a lot too because I feel like this place is sort of my new way of journaling, with the added benefit of getting feedback from others. These thorough responses have been so comforting to receive.

    “I believe that you’ve been ruminating about him so heavily since the breakup because.. you still feel that he is your hope for safety.” …” You feel a huge loss: subjectively (the way you feel), it is a huge loss, but objectively (reality is), there is no loss: he’s just a guy with his own problems, living at home with his parents, not making much money; a guy who talked a good game, telling you exactly the words you desperately needed to hear. But even if he meant those words (I assume he did) these are still only WORDS. It takes so much more to.. be a mensch (a person of integrity and honor).” — I can see that I have him placed way above me in my head, absolutely. I can see he has avoidance and communication issues. I can see he has had a lot of things catered to him in his life and so he’s not as “on guard” in general as I am about having to get my basic needs met. But, it still feels like a huge loss as well because I’ve never been so passionate about someone and have that same passion reciprocated for me.

    “Even if you didn’t seek his reassurance, even if you acted perfectly at all times (an impossibility for any human), he’d still be who he is and what you would have gotten from him would’ve been more words. Even if he had the right emotion to go with his words, what you need is real-life action that’s congruent with.. integrity and honor.” — There were two instances early on into our relationship about possible hurdles for us and he genuinely was worried about me dumping him over them. We talked them out and I know he cared a lot, I saw it and felt it through his actions there. Talk about REALLY making my inner child feel seen – someone I really liked actually feared losing me for once and was trying to compromise with me in a healthy way. So you think he never wanted long-term commitment with anyone anyway, at least not for now? I guess it’s an issue with my insecurities to think that he was open to a future with me until something changed about me for him. As you’ve said, maybe he thought he wanted something but his actions couldn’t match his words when truly tested over time. I have to accept that he’s not doing anything about it now and had no problem completely cutting me off after telling me he wanted us to work through this breakup together.

    I cried tonight because I saw a video of a girl talking about how when you mourn the loss of a relationship, you’re mourning a version of a person you loved who no longer and will no longer exist to you ever again. It will never be the same because now there is hurt and history. Not only that, but you are mourning YOURSELF and who you were before it ended, and how you will never get that version of yourself back again. This made me burst out into tears. I do miss that version of me with him. I felt as though all these years of TRYING to at least be self-aware and work through my triggers and anxious attachment/codependency issues had finally paid off and I was being met with a healthy and securely attached person. I tried to self-regulate and self-care throughout this whole relationship when I felt neglected or triggered. But I know I was very reactive the night of the breakup. To feel like I had ANY part in messing up what was meant for me/us just really is hard to shake off. I really, really hope you are right when you say that my issues alone weren’t enough for him to tip the boat and leave.

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #423576
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Helcat

    Thank you, I did feel a little better at work today, sickness wise. Also thank you so much for the reassurance that I can always come here to express my feelings. It’s been really hitting me lately that it’s no wonder I miss my ex so much, I really don’t have any friends who I don’t feel will be turned off by my negativity and difficulty anymore. I understand everyone has their limit though, and he eventually did too.

    I still feel like what happened was my fault and I don’t deserve better, unfortunately. All day at work my brain just kept replaying his words, “I guess it was wandering eyes… ” “I guess I fell for the visuals…” “Maybe?” (in response to me asking him if he just didn’t feel romantically towards me) OVER AND OVER AGAIN. I can’t stop this loop in my head.  “It doesn’t matter if he lost interest because you put too many expectations on him and he realized he couldn’t/didn’t want to meet them anymore, or if he wouldn’t have wanted long-term commitment in general – he literally admitted to you he lost PHYSICAL attraction to you and got bored! Humiliating! And he slept and flirted with you through knowing this til the end.” — That has been my internal dialogue today too. I do not think I could have chosen any better than I did with him, I saw no signs of avoidant behavior for several months, not until the breakup. To finally have someone show up for me and match my effort was insane. I don’t think it can get better than it was until something messed us up. I can’t help but feel I have some fault in why his feelings changed for me so drastically. It makes me really doubt my ability to ever choose better in the future.

    Do you have any more thoughts about the denial stage of grief that you’re experiencing? — I’m just still in complete disbelief and denial about everything negative about him. My brain cannot fathom that he was ever manipulative, sexist, using me, or lying to me consciously. I can’t believe that he was a porn and weed addict, or that he chose these things over me in the end. I’m in denial about his words of reassurance and feelings for me, even after the breakup by saying how much I meant to him and how he couldn’t live without me/he wanted to stay best friends and how he said we’d get through this and figure it out together. Yet I’ve been ghosted for over a month. Clearly he’s relieved but it’s hard to accept that. It’s just really hard to process he was so detached. He seemed so proud of us as a team. I’m also still having a very hard time accepting he lost attraction for me. That makes me feel so sick to my stomach, so embarrassed and so used. He had me convinced he was healed from his player past entirely. It’s almost at the 2 month mark for the breakup already. But if he actually just lost attraction to me because of immature and shallow reasons and led me on, I shouldn’t give him so much grace because that’s cruel. I read somewhere today that if someone dumps you by blaming themselves and letting you down easily, they believe they are better than you and can do better than you. I’ve done it before myself at like… 20 years old and I broke up with the person as soon as I realized I was not into it the way they were. I’m just sad that he is almost 32 and had to learn this lesson with me at our age.

    Also, thank you in regards to the thing about my friends leaving me out again. They all have very stable lives, very well paying jobs with husbands and babies and mortgages so they just cannot relate to my single and broke drama anymore. These are friends I’ve had since basically 2003/middle school. They invited me to their Halloween party next weekend and I have to work but if I can get off in time, I’m still debating on going or not. I don’t want to sabotage what I have left of them, but I felt really disconnected from them at our last get together.

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #423506
    Stacy
    Participant

    Thank you, Anita for your thoughtful response and for caring about me. I don’t mind a longer reply, though. I just will get back to it after work tomorrow night. These posts have been the only thing really getting me through this breakup, so I appreciate any level of response from anyone willing to chime in. Hope you have a good night.

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #423504
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    I’m sorry for the delayed response, as I told Helcat, I’ve been sick.

    In my past relationships before I knew I needed to speak up if something hurt me, I would just do reassurance check-ins, the classic anxious attachment behavior. I learned this pushed people away and made them stressed out. So I went silent, but when I learned that I needed to speak up for my feelings, I’m still kind of not knowing what to do with this once it’s announced. It’s almost just another form of reassurance seeking behavior. It’s “you’ve hurt my feelings by liking sexy photos of other women but I don’t feel like I have a right to be upset so I’m not gonna do anything about this or make a decision, I just need you to know I’m upset about it.” So you see, it really leaves the other person not knowing what I want from them. An apology, sure, but that doesn’t change what I know is true deep down for them – that they found this person sexually attractive. In my case, it was just simple “likes” but my ex admitted he was wandering off and losing interest and passion in me. So my paranoia was warranted, I’ve read about emotional cheating and I do think this is walking that line. But again, since I don’t trust myself – I pull back and feel irrational about speaking up and so any boundaries I make feel stupid to me. I just am so lost. I feel like I can only definitively set a boundary on things that are clear cheating and betrayal. I think until I can figure out how to actually set boundaries and mean them confidently, I’m just going to keep confusing men and pushing them away with my anxious check-ins for reassurance and my anxious confrontations. None of it is aggressive, but that’s only because I don’t have aggressiveness in my nature. So it’s nothing to be proud of, I’m still burning bridges accidentally.

    I agree, I do feel a huge loss to have lost my ex and his family and I know I felt refuge in his acceptance and them for many reasons as I’ve mentioned here before. I know I have to move forward but this guilt is crippling me so hard right now. I feel worse about what happened and how I handled it every day.

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #423502
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Helcat

    Sorry for the late response, I have been feeling sick lately and had to leave work early yesterday because of it, something I haven’t done since I had COVID two years ago. I feel like my body is just really not handling anything well lately. As you’ll see from my reply, I think I’m regressing even further ever time I check-in here.

    “I feel like this is a common theme in your life, a lot of people are unable to support you in your life because of their own personal issues. It’s really hard when there are so many people that let you down this way in your life. It’s understandable, but it’s also really hard for you who has to deal with a chronic lack of support from friends and family.” — I feel like this makes sense and I see it too because I feel horribly alone despite living with 5 people. I’ve also noticed that my friends who I used to go on girl’s trips with have stopped inviting me with them, and one of my friends even called me to ask me to catsit for her while they went on the week trip recently. I was offended by this because she lives an hour away from me and I have two jobs – how was I supposed to take a week off to do that for her? Also, why wasn’t I even invited? It has been hard to see them post photos in another state having a really good time while I’m stuck without a car and throwing up and crying over this person. I know this is very woe is me.  I just feel really disconnected from everyone and this is the very reason why I reached out and met my ex last year at this time. It feels so unnatural. It’s hard to not feel like I am the common denominator here and that I am the problem.

    I still haven’t been able to unfollow him. I am just beginning to feel like my boundary wasn’t worth any of this. It’s like I learned I needed to start setting boundaries but I went too far on the other end out of fear of losing myself again. I feel like losing him was just not worth this pain and loss. I know you say that I need to stop blaming myself but I wish I handled this situation better and in a less reactive state. I didn’t come at him screaming but I came at him as if this was IT and we had nowhere to go from here because I was very stressed and anxious about him giving other women attention. I told him he crossed my boundary and I didn’t know what else to say because it was true in that moment, I saw what he wanted to do when left to his own devices and him changing his behavior would have just felt like him restraining himself against his will. I even told him that. I wish I would have approached him more calmly and told him that it hurt my feelings. Again, though, I have extreme jealousy issues that I don’t think I can remedy at this point. This whole social media jealousy wound I have started in 2018 with my abusive ex and it’s never gotten better.

    I went back through our first couple of months of dating texts the other night (my current ex) and he was SO receptive to reassuring my anxieties. He told me he’d never leave me out of nowhere and that he always wanted me to tell him anything that was bothering me. He told me that he would never hide weird kinks from me and that he was into some weird stuff but not like the stuff I found on my ex… and he reassured me he would be open with me about stuff. He told me he knew he had to earn my trust and respect. I think he lost respect for me once things got comfortable and he lost his butterflies/the need for the chase. He’s never been in a serious relationship so maybe that calmness from things actually being healthy and normal made him start feeling like something was wrong and he got bored? Or maybe my check-ins made him start getting bored and anxious. I feel awful at the fact that I deteriorated his mental health. I realize we have to learn lessons with each relationship but I feel like I really fumbled this one. Since I was his first serious girlfriend, he probably can brush this one off, but I have been been through enough relationships to know that this one was really different and special. It kills me to think that I may have messed up what was meant to work out for me.

    I’m hearing what you are saying. I just feel really bad about still basically being stuck in the denial stage of this grief. I can’t even wrap my head around it still.

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #422994
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    Yes, I definitely put too much weight into every single thing he’s ever said or done while knowing me. Even his past that I’ve tried to dissect. I’m becoming disgusted with myself over it all. Also, you saying that the “like” on social media doesn’t carry nearly as much weight as I think it does is exactly where I’ve stayed stuck this whole time. Objectively, this seems reasonable and this was the initial excuse my ex gave me for doing it. “It means nothing.” he said at first. But then as I dug more, he admitted to losing interest in me and falling for these sexy photos. He also only follows a handful of people so who he gives attention to has seemed deliberate. So I see this both ways. I see that I am looking too far into this and I did at the time, and I sabotaged the relationship because of it. No one wants to feel repeatedly reprimanded. I’m sure I reminded him of his mother with this behavior. I feel sick about it. On the other end, I feel like my feelings are also valid and the hurt that I’ve felt from men in the past over this DID equate to cheating and lies. My ex saying he got bored and missed “the old us” and was not willing to fight for us didn’t help that feeling. But again, you’re right that my choice to put so much weight in this stuff inevitably affected us negatively. He felt controlled and I don’t blame him for bailing, at least partially because of this. I wish I could take it back how I reacted, but what is sad is that my hurt feelings would still be there and I would still feel a wedge between us had I not said anything. This problem alone makes me not want to ever date anyone again. This will come up again.

    Honestly/ authentically, from all that you shared about him, he is not even close to deserve being up there as Savior. – thank you. All I know to do at this point is to try to just keep praying for a release over his power in my mind. Also, I will be signing up for the counseling like you suggested. I hope I can get in, it sounds like it is limited.

    Also, my car issues have been on and off for several months and the car stays in the shop for about a week at a time each time it’s happened. Every time it’s fixed, it only stays fixed for maybe a week at a time. This last time, it broke down completely again in heavy traffic and I’m having to wait to have it towed and to have a set appointment to a Chevy specialist because my mechanic has given up. He referred me to them and worries it’s a transmission issue. They are booked out, but I’m still doing it because I trust his judgement. My town is not pedestrian or bicycle friendly, there are no sidewalks for bicycles or crosswalks. I live out 30 minutes from work and our town, so that’s also an issue. I’ve been giving my family money for gas and for their troubles, so I guess that’s about as good as I can do for now and I should be grateful. I can’t afford a newer used car, I don’t even have enough money for a down payment on one. In reference to your final question of your post – a doable solution to helping me see more value in myself would be for me to get full time pay and the ability to save up to make that down payment for a better car, and then to move out. I know that is not immediately doable though. It’s been discouraging because any money I get saved up just gets spent repairing the same issues. I guess my first actual “doable” step has to be unfollowing my ex. I keep looking for THE evidence to give me peace that I was warranted in my feelings to cause all of this in the first place. But I know that’s not going to happen. He’d have to literally post himself making out with her for me to make me see it, which is something he’d never do.

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #422992
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Helcat

    I know you’re right, I need to unfollow him. I know I won’t ever hear from him again after this. There is also a part of me that worries that if I DON’T unfollow him or do something obviously drastic, he’ll go ahead and do it before me, or he will just further see me as desperate/easily played. This is yet another move that involves worrying about him and not what’s best for me. I know I can’t deal with seeing his content anymore, but also seeing him out regularly with the person he could have lost feelings for me over is showing me how he really feels about me. People say that you don’t need to see that stuff but I think I’m so ridiculous that I need concrete evidence or something because I don’t trust myself. Him ghosting me kind of already proves that he can’t show up for me, but I’ve been telling myself that he just doesn’t know how to talk to me anymore. And yes, him out with this coworker hurts especially more knowing how much more in common they have than we did. I guess… good for him. It also hurts knowing this person has apparently awakened a part inside him that was too afraid to post on social media before. He used to say I inspired him. I do see that he came into this relationship with his own problems already. All I can acknowledge is he has poor communication skills and seems to take the easiest route to every situation.

    Also, are you saying that you feel my friend taking a month break from me shows they are not really being a good friend, despite them needing to take care of themselves? I’m just asking because it’s hard for me to accept that two things can be true. Are you saying it’s okay to be hurt that my friend couldn’t show up for me during this time, but I also acknowledge her need to take care of herself?

    I think I’ve mentioned it here already but his ex f***boy past always had him feeling a lot of shame about how he had treated women in the past, so he was always trying to prove to himself and everyone else that he was a better person now. I saw a lot of times where he seemed genuinely invested in uplifting women – not in a creepy way at all. Anytime we had these discussions, he’d have even better arguments than I did on the subject and I was always impressed and proud to call him my boyfriend because of this stuff. But maybe you’re right. Maybe he knows when he can turn it on and off to his own advantage and lie about his intentions. It’s too confusing to know regardless, and I hope I never come across such confusion in a partner again. My trust issues are off the charts now.

    “I don’t like how he suggested that you made him act like this in an effort to cancel him. He directly blamed you and refused to take responsibility for his own actions.” – He initially took accountability for his actions by saying, “you’re right. I f***ed up.” He apologized to me with no resistance. But then minutes later, he said, “I just feel like you’re always looking for the damning evidence to prove that I’m a bad guy and this was your “haha got you!” moment, like you manifested it.” So that’s what I meant by him claiming I “cancelled” him. I felt that was what he was saying anyway. It’s hard for me because he did take responsibility but then kind of had to throw that other stuff in after it to confuse me. I also agree that for me to feel the need to go through his social media was a big issue. I told myself at the beginning of this relationship that what was meant to come to light to me would be revealed to me with no effort. I guess him sending that video with the female voice at almost midnight the night before our big weekend date was that horrible sign. But I STILL do not feel like my boundary was fair, and I do feel like I overreacted. I hate how sick to my stomach just one “like” makes me feel. I hate social media because of this. But you have a good point that him expressing finding that Tinder match still attractive and being jealous of her really didn’t help his case of things being totally meaningless to him.

    “Please don’t compare yourself to others, it’s harmful. You are a uniquely beautiful person.” – thank you. I feel so bad that I’m wasting so much of my life feeling otherwise.

    I do think this relationship was a step in a better direction. We both set our standards and expectations early on with no issues, it felt so mature. There was no vagueness, no situationship, no hiding labels. He was so proud to show me off. It’s a shame that I now have more trust issues than I did before. He seemed so incredibly sincere.

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #422949
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Anita

    In response to your question about me standing up for you if someone were talking negatively about you the way I was talking about myself – of course I would. But that’s because I see value in everyone else but myself. I know that’s my biggest problem. I’m at an all time low, partially of course from being dumped by someone who claimed to adore me and accept me fully for so long, but also because I’ve now been without my car for several weeks and I had to be picked up from work this evening by my 17 year old niece and her 15 year old best friend – blasting ridiculously inappropriate music, and I had to sit in the backseat, all while my older coworkers were watching in the parking lot. I realize that I should be grateful I even had a ride home from work, but my sister didn’t even let me know that my niece was going to be picking me up (I thought my sister was), and this has never happened. My niece JUST got her license. I don’t feel comfortable riding with her that much yet for one thing, but especially not in the backseat of the car with music blaring so loud the speakers are vibrating. I cried so hard the minute I got home tonight. I just want out of this financial hole. It’s moments like this where I miss having a life partner, that one person who is in your corner to support you. I know I have to be that for myself now and it’s very lonely. I am trying so hard to create a life I don’t need to escape from. But I also just would like to have someone my age to hang out with regularly who is also single. All of my friends are partnered up, and I’m very tired of doing things with my sister and her kids. Thank you for helping me to challenge my negative thinking and I will try to repeat these to myself.

    The part where you mentioned, “You need consistent reliable support, not a mix of support and opposition.” totally hit me and makes a lot of sense. I often feel shameful and guilty for talking badly about my family because there are clear moments were they are trying to be supportive. But it never sticks because there are also the same amount of destabilizing moments from them.

    “He doesn’t belong on the pedestal that you placed him on. He isn’t a hero who can save you, never was. He did say all the right things though, at times. It could have been a result of growing up with two PhD psychotherapist parents.” – This I completely agree with as well, and I know I put too many expectations on him. I worry he felt the pressure and I hate I did that to him. I also hate that I will never know what was real or fake with him.

    My sister must have vented to me to her therapist again recently because she told me her therapist suggested I sign up for their free intern session opportunity? I’m not sure but her bringing me this was uncomfortable. I hate that I can hear when she talks about me to her therapist. I am happy that she has professional help to vent to about me, but I’d rather not hear it anymore. I realize beggars can’t be choosers but I’m worried that this may be a young crowd of interns (I’m picturing early to mid twenties), and less experienced with the level of my ridiculousness.

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #422948
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Helcat

    Thank you for both of your thoughtful replies and your suggestions. Since I last posted here, my ex posted a story on October 1st with the Tik Tok star coworker where they visited a local “haunted” asylum. Also, the same pinball machine museum he took me to back in July. I saw on the coworker’s story that they also tagged him, thanking him for taking awesome photos of them for content. I thought this was really hypocritical considering my ex told me on numerous occasions how must he detested people obsessed with posting themselves for vanity and he even thanked me for not being one of those girlfriends who made him take a ton of photos of them for their social media while on dates. The next weekend, the coworker posted several stories of them out at the same science center that my ex and I had visited back in February. We had SUCH a good time there and we often talked about going back as soon as we got the chance. What’s weird is this science center is in my state – not his. They had to travel to my state to visit it. I’m just hurt he can even cross the state border without hurting, let alone revisit these locations we bonded at so recently. I also was scrolling Instagram the other night and saw that he had liked a reel of someone joking saying that they only sleep with people who make them feel like they aren’t good enough. I’ve heard it takes a year to get over a relationship that lasted a year. I’m feeling like this one is gonna take even longer. I think he is getting an incredible high from having social media recognition and in real life attention from someone with 55K followers. Not only that – I learned they have a quick feature in the latest Spider-Man: No Way Home film. No joke, I had to confirm it. I creeped so far back on their profile to see that they can juggle, do sword stunts, play instruments and sing. Pretty much a jack of all trades of entertainment and talent. This rabbit hole I went down was indeed self-sabotage, I’m aware. It’s just very hard for me to accept that I was replaced so swiftly with someone more “impressive” than me. The whole year I dated him, he was so impressed and supportive and seemingly obsessed with MY jobs, MY interests, MY talents. Up until the end, I think anyway. I think it’s reasonable to believe that most people want their significant other to be interested and enthusiastic about their interests, talents, career, etc. But I acknowledge that I allow him to dictate my entire worth about these things and that’s my problem. I kind of worried this whole relationship that he was just dating me because I was there and it was something to stave off his loneliness. Once I filled my purpose to him, he dropped me. Maybe, these are just my theories that are probably rooted in a lot of projection. This is my biggest source of pain right now. My heart is so incredibly heavy with hurt from him with this coworker, even as friends. I can’t figure out how to NOT take someone replacing you personally. It feels so personal.

    Also, thank you for saying that I’m allowed to have my feelings and to mourn at my own pace. My friend who has taken a month away from me came back to me over the weekend to check in and she admitted she had to take a month away from me because I was triggering to her own journey. I can understand and respect her need for space and her boundaries, but it was still hurtful to know that I do this to everyone in my life to the point to where they need actual space from me. It’s hard for me to not have another or more positive narrative.

    Thank you also for validating my feelings about my ex liking the photos of his old flame/the one that got away. It’s hard for me to have strong boundaries as you know, but it’s even harder when I don’t want to keep someone from being able to have friends. You asked if I pressed him on the matter, and I think that I did… to the best of my ability in that moment.

    I basically asked:

    1. “Why do you feel the need to go that extra mile and like these types of photos?”

    2. “Is there a part of you while liking these photos that hopes she’s gonna take notice?”

    3. “You do realize that posting these types of photos is to elicit a sexual response or a certain type of response from people, and that by liking these suggestive photos is you validating that for them?”

    4. “Why do you feel the need to give them this kind of attention?”

    5. “Can you imagine if I were to start liking gym thirst traps of attractive, muscular men? Since I’ve been dating you, you can go back through my profile and specifically see where I stopped posting sexy photos of myself out of respect for you. But that’s just me and how I do things. I don’t need that validation and attention from other people anymore now that I have it from you.”

    His answer to all of these things were him basically trying to say that he was just trying to support his friends/uplift women. “I guess I want to give the attention they are asking for.” Also that he admitted he had wandering eyes but that I had also manifested this to cancel him. I do worry a lot that I may have mishandled how I pressed him and I messed something up. It haunts me because I can’t help but feel like I made him think he had no other option but to throw in the towel right there.

    I want to believe that I have a healthy understanding of boundaries and self-awareness like you say. My exes have only made me feel that I was not fair and controlling over them.

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #422697
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Anita and Helcat. I just wanted to pop back in to say thank you for your responses and I’ll respond soon. Work and my car issues have been crazy!

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #422598
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi, Anita

    I wanted to start off by sharing something interesting that happened to me at work yesterday. I came into work crying as I have for basically this whole month of the breakup. Constantly ruminating as usual but had cleaned myself up trying to be presentable. One of my coworkers came into the room and needed me to help her locate some books and prizes for an upcoming event. So I showed her where things were in our storage closet and gave her some suggestions. She stayed in the closet for a good 30 minutes while I sat back down at my desk trying to refocus, with no success. As she was leaving, I told her I hoped she had found some good items to take with her. She turned around and looked at me with several things in her arms and said, “I did. These will work well. Thank you for always being so sweet and… capable.” I thanked her and she walked out of the room only for me to not even register what she had said until seconds later. The way she delivered that line, I cannot even describe how eerie that was in person. She paused in that sentence and you could tell she was searching for what to say after calling me sweet. The thoughtful pause before that “capable” delivery sent chills down my spine and I burst right back out into tears. I had to go to the bathroom and gather myself. I thought of what you and I have been discussing with this “capable woman” theme lately. I still do not understand what possessed her to say that to me because for one, I hardly ever even see her and she doesn’t see my daily work effort. Also, what I helped her with was hardly difficult. For it to be that on the nose made me feel like there was some reason for it. There had to be. I’ve told no one about this yet and I say that because I’m usually inclined to immediately share everything that happens to me with my sister or mom for reassurance or validation. I know they’d appreciate this story and believe it meant something for me, they are both very spiritual. But I also know that if I tell them this, they will then try to tell me that this was my sign I need to move on now and get frustrated with me for not. They keep dying for me to, anyway. I would rather this be something between you and I because I feel that at least for now, it confirms that what I’m doing RIGHT NOW by posting here is meant to be happening. Also, that I appreciate this forum and your perspective. I am so happy to hear that your experience posting here and with me has been helping you too.

    Your scenario of me moving out but still struggling internally makes a lot of sense, it’s like that saying, “wherever you go, there you are.” I am very fearful of never shaking the guilt of distancing myself physically from my mother and my sister. But you have moved through it and it’s inspiring. I do miss having the voice of objective empathy from my old counseling sessions too, indeed it is so refreshing. I think I found that voice in my ex because he was curious about how I think and feel, and encouraged me to always be transparent with him about anything bothering me. He’d say, “I want you to feel comfortable coming to me, I want you to not feel scared and I want to always be there for you to work through things.” The switch up from what he claimed has been SHOCKING to say the least. Still haven’t heard from him in over two weeks, no change from the last time I’ve posted here. He told me early on in our relationship when he was admitting to struggling with commitment and trust issues from being cheated on recently (at the time) by his ex that he had a hero complex and was frustrated with himself for it. I am beginning to wonder if he had tried to “save” me in a way too and saw that he bit off way more than he could or was willing to chew anymore with me.

    Hearing what your mother put you through physically, psychologically, emotionally, etc. is absolutely horrible. The lack of accountability for her abusiveness wasn’t yours to hold and I am so glad you are and have been working away from it to heal. I know your decision to continue your distance from her recently was not an easy one and it’s good you had the self-respect and self assurance to know what was right for you, despite your sister’s stance. I think I am beginning to see that my sister’s experience doesn’t have to be my own, because it’s not! We had and continue to have entirely different experiences with our mom, despite sharing so many of the same. And yes, I suppose living with them is only keeping me enmeshed. My car is still in the shop and I’ve had to be driven to work all week by my mother (she won’t let me drive her car). The experience has been demeaning and not at all helpful for feeling like a capable woman… lol. As you can see from my my most recent post to Helcat, I’m a basket case right now. I think my lack of independence with my car issues is partly the reason why I feel like I’ve sunken even lower this week emotionally.

    in reply to: Extremely painful breakup and confusion #422596
    Stacy
    Participant

    Hi Helcat

    Thank you for your kindness, I wish I could believe I’m being too hard on myself but I feel I deserve it. I cried so hard this evening as my sister walked in on me and she yelled at me for allowing him to hurt and control my mood so much still. I’m scared of how hopeless I feel. My best friend also told me a few nights ago that he would be embarrassed of himself to allow someone to have this kind of control over him and it would motivate him to level up.

    Now that I have had several years of perspective and two more failed relationships under my belt, I can see that my abusive ex was a very dangerous person. However, I am not over what he confirmed about my self-concept. My current ex made me finally see myself and my family in a more positive, accepting, and lovable light, but then showed me the same message in the end. You asked me what is my central negative thought about myself – it’s the same as yours, basically. It’s everything my abusive ex shamed me about and confirmed. It’s that I’m poverty trash and my family is stupid, ignorant, dysfunctional and unhealthy in all ways, and so I am too. It’s that I have the body of a 12 year old girl, that I’m not desirable. I can’t really eat food so I’m a lousy dinner date and it’s not fun to be adventurous  or travel with me because of my anxiety and limitations. That men only date me because I’m easy to get attention from and they know they can use me because they are above me and out of my league. Then they bounce once they are done with me. I do not feel like a high value woman because it has not been proven to me by someone I value that I am high value enough not to leave.

    A few months into dating my recent ex, I told him the story about how my abusive ex created the social media account behind my back and was following all of those accounts. My (recent) ex not only validated how wrong and creepy that was – it became a running joke with us up until the end. It was so nice to be able to joke and laugh about it all finally and to have a guy genuinely seem to love me and not want to hurt me like that. I guess he just didn’t think he was on the same level as my abusive ex at all when he did something similar because he didn’t see what he was doing was wrong. For one, the photos I got upset about were from someone only three years younger than him and he was still friends with. I don’t know if they hooked up when he was backpacking through Europe or not, I can’t remember. Regardless, she WAS a Tinder match at one point and I always had trouble accepting he was still connected to her. You know how you said your husband tried to assuage you with compromise and prove to you that you could trust him? My ex tried to do the same thing when I first brought this topic up to him – he showed me her profile and explained he was still connected to her because they had shared travel experiences and he liked being reminded of his own travel memories when he’d see her on his feed. He even showed me all of his messages and tried to reassure me that I was the only female he was regularly talking to. The last time he had spoken to her was right when we had started dating last year. So I felt he was honest and trying for me. So I guess I feel a little silly for getting upset at seeing him like her sexy photos… or even her photos in general. He ultimately insinuated I overreacted and was being unfair after he had tried his very best for me this whole time. Sure, he acknowledged he “f***ed up” and that he fell for the thirst traps and had wandering eyes. I said I was just so jealous over her because she was attractive and traveled, how I couldn’t compete with that. He responded with, “I’m jealous too! I wish I was also attractive and traveling the world!” I went back to her page tonight only to realize he has liked almost EVERY SINGLE photo she’s posted going back to at least 2015. It just really hurt because it shows she’s obviously still someone he pines for to this day. Clearly he’s getting something out of still looking at her and liking her posts. So it hurts me so much but I worry it’s literally just my jealousy. I know that compromise is vital in a relationship but I worry that after he tried to reassure me, I just saw something malicious that wasn’t there. Or maybe I know better and him still pining over her grosses me out and makes me sick to my stomach. I keep going over this because I think if I can just decide and make peace with THIS part, maybe I can trust myself to start accepting the outcome, if that makes sense. Or maybe that’s an OCD mind trick with needing the certainty, I don’t know. My problem is I FEEL that I’m irrational about this stuff but I can’t help but FEEL so much betrayal from it. I know I will always run into this in future relationships and even if a guy in the future compromises for me and doesn’t like photos, I’m still gonna find something to get jealous of until I actually believe I’m attractive and high value.

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