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AnonymousParticipantAnita,
We talked and he agrees with me!
He has been wanting to move in together for over a year, but didn’t want to rush me or freak me out, so he waited until I felt ready and wanting to.He has a very stressful environment at his parents house, and knows he can’t live there. I think he does feel a little guilty leaving them on their own….He is from a culture where it is more traditional to stay and take care of your parents, especially the younger sibling, even though they tell him they dont want that, but I think he feels guilty if he didnt.
His sister just had a baby, so she has her own life now, even though she is not far, and comes by all the time.
He grew up in a stressful environment, and I think he feels a lot of resentment towards his parents. Its just unhealthy for him to be there.It makes a lot of sense to move in together, and we both see that. We both have expressed that we can see us being together forever.
He is saving his money because he has some debt, but not a lot, and to be able health related stuff, but we believe we can make it work.
Of course there is no rush, even though I can’t really stand my roommates. But now that we’ve reached this point, I absolutely can hang in there a little longer. We both have been through a lot of ups and downs over the last year, and I think we just want to take some time to think this through and plan it out right.
Thank you for your outside perspective, it helps a lot!
AnonymousParticipantAnita,
These are all good questions, that I feel sort of dumb not putting more thought into the possibility of us living together. We’ve discussed it in the past, but basically we didn’t live together because right now he lives at his parents house while he is taking care of them, while also saving his money. I’m living at a place that has very low rent which I need. If we moved in to a place together, we both would have to move in to a place together that we most likely wont be able to afford.
We both have some debt to pay off.I’m only 25 and don’t see the point in getting married in general to be honest…at least anytime soon. I’m in no rush to be married.
But thank you, this leaves more options. I will need to talk to him again, as I still have a lot of time before I make a big decision.
AnonymousParticipantHi Pixiedust, I am sorry to read about your distress. I feel like we need more information to give any advice or decisions on your situation though..
You said you found that this email was sent after 6 months of being together with him, but not married, right? You’ve talked to him about this girl? Are they still friends? Who is she? Were they friends before, or dating in the past? He very well may not have physically cheated on you with her, but emailed her for a number of other reasons. Also, in all the months after that, you found absolutely no evidence of cheating or suspicious emails?Have you had any past experiences with mistrust? From a past relationship? Or witnessed any mistrust from a parents relationship, etc? That could be one reason why its hard for you to trust this man. Has there been any evidence at all of cheating, prior to finding that one email?
Your marriage is not fake. I believe humans are complex, and i’m sure he loves and cares for you deeply. No one is perfect, and we all have our own insecurities and ways of handling stress, and I think men do it differently than women.It seems things were going well and you both have grown, which is great! If you can’t forgive and forget about that one email, sent so long ago, than you need to tell him that you read through his email and talk about it. Communication is almost always a good thing, and should strengthen relationships and create more understanding and security between you two. At least give him a chance to explain what that was about, before making any sudden decisions.
I think you also need to speak up when he says you are over reacting or jealous, instead of just saying “ok, you’re right, i guess i am.” (because we usually dont want conflict or turbulence between us and our significant others). Thats a common thing for us do in relationships…But when you love someone, you want them to express themselves fully and not feel repressed or shot down. I’m sure your husband would want you to express your true feelings… so if you feel you are NOT over reacting, and you truly feel upset, than say it and speak up about it, do it for yourself, and hopefully the relationship will benefit from it also.
Hope any of my words have helped at all, and if not, I hope you find clarity and peace soon!AnonymousParticipant@ Anita: Yes, thank you. We talked tonight and I told him about how its only a problem when he vents the same thing over and over, but takes no action to fix it. (it hasnt even happened recently…it happened a lot with how much he hated his job, but he FINALLY quit. And it happened with how much he hated living with his parents, but he FINALLY moved out.) He understood, and feels sorry for ever bringing me down. We ended the conversation on a good note and I feel we are in a good place.
I still am going to talk to a therapist, because sometimes I still feel stuck and stagnate, and am unsure of where exactly that feeling is stemming from…. the relationship? School? My job? I can’t seem to pinpoint it. The uncertainty I have felt about the relationship makes me feel anxious, and it definitely doesnt make him feel good at all. So I owe it to both of us to figure out what it is that is making me feel stuck, and change it.
@jack: Thank you for relating to that fear that I do have. But I know its ok to move on and let him go….I just dont want to. I still see a lot of potential in him, and he is still the same person I met those years ago. I love, respect, deeply care for, and admire him… I believe he is going through a rough time in his life right now (in between jobs, unsure of his future..) As of right now, I’m choosing to stand by him. 🙂AnonymousParticipantOk, I can do that. Thank you for that dialogue, it really helps to hear these words through someone else’s perspective.
Do you think thats considered a healthy relationship? I guess I haven’t been in enough long term relationships to know if this is normal to have that expressing-venting-break interaction….. is this something that all couples do with eachother? I don’t mind it if it is, and its not really a problem or anything because I love and care about him so much….I think if it was easy all the time, it wouldn’t feel as “real” or interesting to me to get to know my partner. But I just wonder if this is a normal part of being in a long term relationship?
AnonymousParticipantAnita, thanks for your feedback. It’s hard for me to find a way of putting limits on venting, because I feel like thats what couples do… they share their feelings with eachother, and in other words, vent.
I just think that if I try to set a boundary on that, he might take it the wrong way, and feel like he can’t express himself or be himself with me.I want him to be able to express himself, but sometimes it just becomes too much.
I’m not sure how I can phrase it in a compassionate, loving way to him.
Any suggestions?
Thanks again.AnonymousParticipantThank you Anita! I agree. I think a lot of my over reacting has come come from reading other forums where women have posted horror stories of their husbands who repeatedly cheat after starting with porn and their problems escalate. I shouldn’t have done that…..
I know I can’t compare my relationship to anyone else’s, and my boyfriend is a completely different person than other men that have similar issues.
Thanks for helping me look at my own reactions.AnonymousParticipantThanks for your input Anita.
He has repaired his relationship with his parents. They are first generation over from Mexico, catholic background, and culturally have a different way of raising children. They have a much healthier relationship now, and have discussed the ways in which his upbringing was not that great.
Thank you again for reading 🙂My biggest concern is whether or not I can commit to this relationship, knowing his struggles, and how it could bring me down over time. I’m young enough to choose which way I want to go. I worry about marrying him in the future, and getting my heart broken all over again if his behavior never changes…or perhaps this relationship is preventing him from changing his behavior. Just not sure…
Thanks again everyone for listening.AnonymousParticipantInky,
Thank you for this insight. He holds on to a lot of his past and is learning to let go of his traumas, but is just beginning. I still want to be there for him. Good point about being his friend. We talked last night and since I start school this month, maybe its good timing for me to focus on school, and him to focus on himself.
Thanks again! -
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