Hi Anita,

I was giving this entire thing more thought in regards to myself as well. I was not completely open and honest with him from the beginning either. I chose not to communicate my feelings throughout this entire time until recently. So in a way, would you say I also wasn’t being honest? So perhaps HE could also view me as not a very “honest woman” as well?

Thank you for your advice. Unfortunately, he already thinks we are friends and I’m open to communication because we’ve messaged on social media since that big conversation, and I still gave him friendly vibes. (not about anything of importance, just about the COVID stuff) This is before I came to ask for your advice. I think somewhere in my mind/heart I was feeling like “oh! I can just be friends with him, no big deal. we both have a lot to work on within ourselves”. But perhaps complete separation and zero contact/avoidance is what’s actually necessary. At least for a long time? Until I can get stronger within myself. Right now I just feel so weak, maybe because of this whole pandemic stress, i’m not sure. But I’m definitely just not feeling strong and grounded, how I know myself to usually be.

Hi Anita,

thank you for the kind words. It feels stressful and like a lot of pressure, as the worst is yet to come.

I completely understand the logic behind sprinkling in niceties to get sex. That much is clear. And as soon as he said 12 years on and off, that raised a red flag. That means he must’ve been toxic as well… could not be all one sided. And it’s proving to be true, the toxicity in him—whether he recognizes it or not.

Im planning on just trying to avoid him as much as I can? Seeing as how some of my friends are his friends, we live blocks away, and we see eachother around our neighborhood in different places (stores, beach, etc) I’m just going to keep it cordial I suppose. Not much else I can do.

Since he has come back around, I’m betting at some point he will try again… in few months or even less. When that happens, what is to be done? I guess just staying strong in my boundary and clarity with what I want in a relationship. I’m hoping I can stay strong and recognize that just because he treats me well one night, doesn’t mean he’s wanting what I want. The sexual attraction is unfortunately very high, I don’t know WHY, so I’ll need to just avoid any situations that could lead to that happening (bars, dinners alone, etc)

My main question now is why do I get stuck up on a person like this? Why do I hang on, thinking if I can make him feel comfortable with opening up more than I’ll feel like proud and happy with myself. Part of me keeps seeing him as this wounded little boy from having toxic relationships to look to, poor parenting, and just difficulty with vulnerability. And I feel for that and can relate. But what is this strong desire to keep poking and prodding and trying?

we spoke before about having a “not good enough” core belief from not being able to change my parents relationship or make a difference in their life. How does this tie into what’s happening with this man?

Hi Anita!

A lot has happened in the past few months that I’d like to update you on. Amid all the COVID turmoil, I hope you are being safe and staying healthy. This is partly why I’m here again sharing, because I feel this is vulnerable time for everyone and I don’t want to make any impulsive actions or decisions just because the anxiety/emotions are intense.

So this man finally got back into contact with me through social media. By chance, naturally some events happened in real life which led me to him in person. While in person, we chatted and he invited me to his close friends house for dinner. It was an intimate dinner with his friend, friends wife, and their two children. It all went VERY well and we had fun. He took me home, no physical moves were made, just a hug goodnight.

A week or two goes by, I run into him again naturally. He invited me over for dinner and cooks for me. We have great chemistry. He then makes out with me, and I pull the plug (kindly) and say I need to leave because I have work in the morning. Hes respectful and nice about it all. I did this because even though there is a tremendous amount of sexual attraction, as we discussed, I can NOT have casual sex with this man because my heart doesn’t feel safe/this isnt an exclusive relationship obviously.

A few days later, my friend sees him and looks like hes hooking up with another girl at a bar. This isn’t surprising to me as I knew he was seeing others, though it did disappoint me after such a great couple of dinners.

A few days go by, he sees me but since I’m disappointed, I’m not very enthused. He later texts me asking if “I saw him”. It leads to a phone conversation where I call him because I can’t sense his emotions through text message but he seems upset? I very kindly let him know that it’s fine if he wants to hookup with other girls etc., but that I can’t do physical stuff with him if thats the case, it’s just not my lifestyle but its totally fine for him if thats what he wants to do.

This leads to a conversation about how he is emotionally scarred from a 12 year toxic back n forth relationship, where his ex was very manipulative with his emotions and used his emotions against him. He says he cant ever show his emotions and has a lot of trouble expressing them. He tells me he’s scared of commitment because he doesnt think hed be a good partner, among other fears. He does think we have good chemistry, and says he does feel a connection with me. He says he needs to know a girl for at least a year before committing (I believe this is due to having sex too early in the relationship and leads to an unhealthy thing). And that he thinks that when he meets new girls, if emotions aren’t as “intense” as they were with the toxic ex, than he gets it in his head that the girl is not “the one”. He says that he never shares this stuff with girls, and had very nervous laughter through the conversation. I do believe he’s telling me the truth and that he doesn’t open up often to many people.

Overall the conversation was very good. I told him I need/value transparency and we both stated how we have a lot of respect for eachother and thanked him for sharing all of this. I could relate to all that he said as I have the same issues with not being able to express/show my emotions. I said that I’m fine with being his friend but I can’t do the physical stuff if its not more of a solid thing. Clearly he doesn’t want to commit so I’m leaving it as that… we are friends.

I’d also like to add, after I said this about not being physical he says “ok I get it, if you don’t want it to be romantic..” and my reply was “No, I DO want it to be romantic. I really liked making out and hooking up with you.. I just can’t if your doing that with other girls” and he said ok and he understood and thats when he talked more about his issues.

My issue lies with how sad I’d be if/when he meets someone and knows them for like a month and then decides to marry them. I just feel like thats going to happen and I’ll be left wondering why not me. And I REALLY don’t want to fall into some trap of thinking if I try harder and get him to know me more than he’ll commit (because I KNOW thats not true).

Do you think me setting the boundary of no physical stuff was the right choice? And do you have any advice at how to move on from him? I don’t want to move on from him but I’m afraid I need to because I’m going to be sitting here hoping he’ll change his mind and be “ready” to take the relationship further as time goes on, and I just doubt that will happen…….. And if it did it could be YEARS from now!! So what am I to do?

• This reply was modified 4 years ago by Anonymous.

Hello Anita,

Thank you for this enlightening post and for pointing out what would inevitably happen if we hooked up again (because I had actually felt all those things the last time we hooked up–it caused me stress, frustration, and pain. So naturally it would be no different if we hooked up again)

First: I agree he might want that. I also believe that in the past there was a point (after we hung out one night) where I realized I’m trying to make it work with him so much because I’m lonely. After that realization came, I began to focus on making friends with people, men included, as opposed to looking for dates/sex. I also recognized the role alcohol played in our hookup situations/the fact that the hook ups began after my dad got cancer and I needed someone so I grabbed onto him (interesting that this man is very similar to my father in his lifestyle and personality…..). All of this awareness is what’s allowing me to be more objective about this man and our situation. For some reason I have had it in my mind for so long that I can’t “just be friends” with a guy… that all guys just want to sleep with me, and therefore I tend to allow it to happen–when in reality all I need and needed are platonic friends and the ability to communicate my truth/boundaries.

The only thing I want from him at this point is to express my emotions should the moment come–but again, I don’t feel I can be the one to initiate that conversation at this point. Unless there was a moment where we found ourselves alone (which has happened at the beach several times) where I felt we could have a private honest conversation. I can also imagine him wanting to hook up with me again, and there being a moment where I can say “No. I was actually really upset by our last encounter for reasons a,b,and c…and I just need someone who values consistency and wants to get to know me and match my energy, which you arent able to. So we should just be friends”. Or maybe just that, the truth that really what I need are platonic friends in my life… I think sex is very psychological for me and it really muddies my feelings when that’s involved.

Yes I did feel emotionally constipated and disconnected around her. My mother I believe was probably emotionally closed off due to her own upbringing as well as being unhappy and fearful in her marriage.  She didn’t have the support she needed with raising my brother and I, and dealing with a husband who was almost like another child was too much for her to handle–so I do understand why she was that way. I wonder if there are exercises I can do with practicing feelings or practicing expressing my emotions? I think you are very spot on with how I felt more connected to my dad and his emotions as well. We’ve ALWAYS been very “in tune” with eachother. And yes, every so often I do feel sad and bored, which leads me to reach for higher goals and new experiences… this has mostly been a good byproduct though as I’ve reached success in my career goals and continue meeting new people and pushing myself outside of my comfort zone (for example, teaching yoga, planning yoga retreats, meeting inspiring like minded people)

I also feel like yes, I wish I had talked to this guy about what I was feeling–which I believe that I can still talk to him about my feelings as time goes on, the more we run into eachother. But I want it to come from a place where it’s not for romantic interest or gain, but more for my own practice in expressing my truth and communicating my feelings and connecting with a person. The more time goes on, the more I realize we would have been a very bad match at that time, and he would actually have been a terrible boyfriend for me if we had agreed to make our relationship be that way.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

Hello Anita,

Were you, or are you currently a therapist? I ask because obviously you know a lot about psychology. And although my therapist who I saw last year did help me see my core belief is the “im not good enough” belief, she didn’t help me understand why or how that formed, and what to do about it. My sessions ran out, so I never followed up to dig deeper. But I have to say you’ve really helped me along and helped me realize quite a few things, thank you.

So you are saying, if I find peace in the fact that I couldn’t make that big of difference in my family life as a child, I will be at peace with the fact that I couldn’t make that big of difference in this mans life either? That does make sense to me, but much easier said than done of course.

As for the CBT exercise, not sure exactly what to write about but heres my interpretation:

Core belief: I’m not good enough, I need to be better/the best

Evidence in support of this: Didn’t have a lot of girlfriends growing up and didn’t love girly things as a child (felt like an outcast and awkward), didn’t have boyfriends in high school, the man who first introduced sex to me didn’t choose me over his gf, one guy i really liked didn’t talk to me again after I didn’t have sex with him (because I was nervous about it), don’t have THAT many friends–just a few good ones, this current guy doesn’t want to date me, I dont have the fake “plastic” look which a lot of guys seem to be attracted to, my last boyfriend needed to go online to email people he met about sexual meetups/fantasies rather than talk to me about them (though to be logical, he was struggling with a transgender fetish/sexual addiction which stemmed from his own early childhood experiences/abuse, but it still made me feel like I wasn’t good enough and proved I wasn’t good enough in my own mind)

Evidence against this belief: My family loves me, I have an amazing job as the rehab aide at a children’s hospital where I help kids learn how to walk and live again after traumatic accidents, I take really good care of my body and am in very good shape, I know how to cook healthy food and enjoy cooking, Im a talented artist, I am a talented and focused surfer and yogi, I’m a yoga teacher and enjoy holding space for those in need, I put myself through college without the help from my parents and am the first college grad of anyone in my family, Im financially independent and live on the beach, I’m extremely present and listen to people who are talking to me, I care about people and am very thoughtful, I’m super friendly and get along with almost everyone I meet, I have really pretty eyes and pretty/genuine smile, I’m smart, I have good style, I’ve been told Im very disarming and people trust me easily and quickly, I have a great sense of humor

Without hearing your feedback yet, I can clearly see a lot of the belief is evidenced in my mind by my relationships with men, sex, and dating.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 3 months ago by Anonymous.

Hello Anita,

I certainly have a lot to process with these last few posts. I am at work so I’m not allowing myself to really “go there” with how I’m feeling. But as soon as I am home and relaxed I’m going to re-read and face the probable distress that I’m currently trying to avoid haha.

Regardless, I have to say I’m happy I’m delving into these ideas at 29 years old…. better to go through this now than later in life.
I will write much more tonight. Thank you.

Well hope you’re feeling ok and taking it easy.

To your questions about my parents: When my mom would say those things, it made me feel like being sad was a bad thing and I should avoid those feelings or try to change them asap. It also feels like I wasn’t able to peer deeper into those feelings because questions /follow up questions weren’t asked of me as to why I felt that way.. so sometimes I may not have even understood fully the WHY behind my emotions. They were kind of glossed over and then moved on to the next subject quick.

As far as my dad goes.. I feel like he was always uncomfortable around feelings talk, even now he admits hes never been good at “that stuff”. I feel like I never really could show him my feelings, I wasn’t as comfortable verbalizing my feelings to him. They would manifest in silence or irritation, and he would just sense my mood and sort of stay away… not ask so much how I’m feeling or what’s going on with me, just wait till my mood/feelings passed. Or even when he would ask I’d act or pretend like “im fine” because for whatever reason I didn’t want to be vulnerable with him. Maybe that has to do with my tomboy attitude and him sort of favoring me over my brother? Maybe I felt like I had to impress him and being vulnerable for some reason was a sign of weakness– usually a very masculine trait I guess, possibly learned from all the boys I hung out with constantly at a young age.