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May 21, 2013 at 9:34 pm in reply to: Sibling not cooperating with caring for elderly mom #35948steveParticipant
I as well am taking care of my parents, Dad is 88 several back surgery’s and in pain most of the time and his memory is deteriorating. Mom 85 in the last stages of Alzheimer’s still somewhat mobile needs assistance with bathing, eating and dressing, as well as a diet of soft food. The house chores, bill paying and shopping needs to be done for them as well, along with the ground maintenance and household repairs.
I have a brother that has never left this area and lives within 5 miles of the folks. He dose not have the personality to deal with the life issues that Mom and Dad are going through at this time. I do not see this as a defect but his make up. As well there are several grandchildren and great grandchildren that live here as well.
Because I made the decision that I would move home and take care of them is not a reflection that I’m a better man than him it’s just who I am and what I feel that needs to be done. I felt there life would be better if they could continue to live in there home of 60 years. I felt that if Mom was able to look out the window at the river as she has done for many years would extend her life. I felt if I could keep them out of a home and allow Dad the opportunity to continue staying active in his shop and gardens it would make his life more fulfilling than setting in a home watching his wife slip away.
These were my decisions, and tasks that I felt needed to be done, before I commuted to this I discussed it with my Dad to ensure his support and as not to force any decisions on them concerning them. I discussed it with my son and daughter in law as they would need to step up and take over my business and property’s in Texas. I discussed it with my brother who was leaning to placing them in a nursing home but agreed it would be better if they could stay at home.
I expect no help or relief from my brother as this kind of care is not in his personality. Nor do I criticize him for what he cannot do.
It sounds to me that your brother as is mine are doing what they can do. To pull a family meeting would only drive wedges and separate people. It acceptance that your doing what you think is best and the others will do as they can or are comfortable with.
I would consider myself lucky that you have 12 other siblings that are willing to help. There is no good that can come from looking what someone can not or will not do.
No family can be torn apart if the family is able to accept each other and there differences and not judge or set standards that some my not be able to achieve. Your brother is helping in a way he can, offering suggestions. You are doing what you’re comfortable with. Accept that and understand what others can do or can not do. And your life as well as others in your circle will prosper; your mother as well will be more comfortable as I am sure she can feel the friction between her children.
Just my thoughts