Sibling not cooperating with caring for elderly mom

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    Maria P.G.

    I am one of 13 children in our family. We have a 92 year old Mother who is not bed bound, uses walker, get out, but needs assistance with making meals, giving medications, helping with her hygiene etc. She has fallen twice and fractured her ankle & elbow ; so we had a family meeting and have all decided since there are so many of us, that we will rotate taking care of mom. Someone is always there with her. Many of us siblings are having some issues with a couple of siblings whom one chooses to go to his vacation home for 4 months out of the year, and sometimes had his children take care of her. . I understand we all have a life..but we all agreed to take of mom. This one particular brother wants a live in person (from the outside) but 90% of us do not want that, and neither does mom. WE want to pull a family meeting, and just say, if you do not choose or want to be a part of this, tell us so we can move on. He seems to email everyone about solutions for caring mom, when where how etc and that the grandchildren need to spend quality time with their grandmother. what about the quality time with his mom? But he is the one that squawks the most of being there. Mom sometimes has accidents in her clothes, so he has his wife do everything to take care of mom , cook, give meds, take b/p, while he is there sleeping in the other room. He has stated that he is scared Mom might pass while he is there, So are all of us. But what more loving moment to be with your mom during her last moments, holding her, and telling her how you love & appreciate her and that she is not alone. This has surprised us so much, because before our Dad passed he made a promise to him on his death bed that he was going to keep this family together. I understand that everyone doesn’t think the same about ailing parents, but Mom & Dad sacrificed sooooo much for us, and made us the person we are today. Can you help us with this? This is separating some of us siblings.
    How can we as a family go about this. Thank you very much!


    I as well am taking care of my parents, Dad is 88 several back surgery’s and in pain most of the time and his memory is deteriorating. Mom 85 in the last stages of Alzheimer’s still somewhat mobile needs assistance with bathing, eating and dressing, as well as a diet of soft food. The house chores, bill paying and shopping needs to be done for them as well, along with the ground maintenance and household repairs.
    I have a brother that has never left this area and lives within 5 miles of the folks. He dose not have the personality to deal with the life issues that Mom and Dad are going through at this time. I do not see this as a defect but his make up. As well there are several grandchildren and great grandchildren that live here as well.
    Because I made the decision that I would move home and take care of them is not a reflection that I’m a better man than him it’s just who I am and what I feel that needs to be done. I felt there life would be better if they could continue to live in there home of 60 years. I felt that if Mom was able to look out the window at the river as she has done for many years would extend her life. I felt if I could keep them out of a home and allow Dad the opportunity to continue staying active in his shop and gardens it would make his life more fulfilling than setting in a home watching his wife slip away.
    These were my decisions, and tasks that I felt needed to be done, before I commuted to this I discussed it with my Dad to ensure his support and as not to force any decisions on them concerning them. I discussed it with my son and daughter in law as they would need to step up and take over my business and property’s in Texas. I discussed it with my brother who was leaning to placing them in a nursing home but agreed it would be better if they could stay at home.
    I expect no help or relief from my brother as this kind of care is not in his personality. Nor do I criticize him for what he cannot do.
    It sounds to me that your brother as is mine are doing what they can do. To pull a family meeting would only drive wedges and separate people. It acceptance that your doing what you think is best and the others will do as they can or are comfortable with.
    I would consider myself lucky that you have 12 other siblings that are willing to help. There is no good that can come from looking what someone can not or will not do.
    No family can be torn apart if the family is able to accept each other and there differences and not judge or set standards that some my not be able to achieve. Your brother is helping in a way he can, offering suggestions. You are doing what you’re comfortable with. Accept that and understand what others can do or can not do. And your life as well as others in your circle will prosper; your mother as well will be more comfortable as I am sure she can feel the friction between her children.
    Just my thoughts

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