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Joel

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  • #77778
    Joel
    Participant

    Thanks for your responses! I’ll take them to heart.

    #77739
    Joel
    Participant

    @anita

    Thank you so much for your post! Your method of shifting empathy sounds a lot like the practice of “loving kindness” meditation. I will take your recommendation to heart and begin a practice of it.


    @olga

    You are right about interpretations of things, and I agree that much of the things we think are “bad” about ourselves are actually what deepen us as people. In anita’s case, her struggles in her childhood have furnished her with a strong empathy, perhaps the most important character trait of all.

    I’ve come to understand that often what I think I want isn’t what I need for what really matters. As for “Q: How do I love myself? A: You just do,” this is probably the best answer there is. I am a very analytical person, which is a great strength of mine, but as a downside I tend to demand precise answers, methods,etc., proof over ambiguity, certainty over uncertainty, and so on. Much of life cannot be defined in absolutes like this. Particularly, I tend to treat my mind-body the way I would treat a puzzle or external circumstance: I see painful emotions and so-called shortcomings as problems to be solved, instead of trusting in my path. I know for certain that the way I see myself in the world and the way I really am are two drastically different things; it’s a wonder I can even function!

    And so: yes, the practice of loving kindness.
    Peace and love.

    #77619
    Joel
    Participant

    Well, I agree with you that emotions are messeengers. I think what I am really asking is about how to love myself. I don’t mean that in the sense that I deprecate myself or believe I am unworthy or anything (though I do have my moments), rather the concept of loving myself seems very abstract and nor at all obvious. I have no trouble loving others, because I see them,enjoy them, empathize with them. In order to love myself, I feel like I must view myself as a separate entity. In which case there are two of me; the real me that does the loving, that silently observes, and the my mind-body that is being observed and being loved by the observer.

    My question, therefore, us for anybody out there with a sublime sense of self-love: what is the experience of loving yourself like? Was there an intentional means by which you came by this relationship of love with yourself, or did it happen by accident? Did you just suddenly “know” that you loved yourself and never looked back?

    #77571
    Joel
    Participant

    It’s been close to a year since this thread began, can the original poster give us an update? Everyone else is also welcome to give an update as well!

    I can offer my perspective as the “dumpee” in this situation. I was MADLY in love with a woman last summer. We started dating, even though she had plans to study abroad next semester (both of us were entering our final year as undergraduates). But in spite of caution, we fell in love. By the time she boarded the plane, we had made plans to move away together after graduation. I wanted to marry this woman!

    However, trouble arose as soon as she touched down in her new place. She was in a lot of distress at the overwhelming experience of being in a far off land, compounded with the loss of our physical intimacy which we had both come to depend on as a source of comfort and rest. The stress triggered a lot of old anxiety and sadness in her, and it was agonizing to see her in such pain. After a few weeks, her distress normalized somewhat, but now there was a palpable emotional distance between us. Our Skype conversations felt uncomfortable and forced, and after each time we hung up, a wave of profound despair would wash over me. I couldn’t explain it at the time, but in hindsight I know that this despair was an unconscious awareness that it was over. Sure enough within a couple of weeks she broke it off, citing her feeling increasingly distant from me. I was devasted. Where once was the vision of a beautiful future with a woman I loved with all of me was a cold and dark void (I won’t apologize for the cliches since I have come to understand, from reading other accounts, that they are cliches for a reason ). We discontinued any form of contact (for healing, this is ESSENTIAL for both parties following a break up! Also, you MUST unfriend them on Facebook. Seeing your pics of ex with her new boyfriend will renew your lease on suffering and multiply it by a thousand).

    The most important thing I can say is that everything you hear about heartache being a source of inspiration, of spiritual and personal development, is absolutely true. I was in so much pain that I threw myself into applying for grad schools. I no longer needed to wait for her to decide together where to go after college, and I was desperate to have a hopeful future to replace the void where ours once was. Much more importantly, I discovered my spirituality. I began a daily practice of meditation and started doing yoga. I didn’t expect these things to have any effect, but after about a month I noticed, with a deep awe, the flowing oneness underneath the universe, and I had developed an unprecedented capacity for emotional expression. Alone in my room, I would burst into tears, astonished at myself for the depth of my sorrow. But also, throughout the day, I would have overwhelming and unjustified bouts of joy.

    Weird, innit?

    In the end, I got accepted into a PhD program. When my ex returned, I gave her back some things and we had a pleasant exchange for a minute or two. Then we said our goodbyes, and she walked away. That was that. We have had no contact since. I don’t know where she is or what her plans are, though I would be lying if I said I hadn’t endlessly and obsessively speculated about it. I suspect that she felt a great sense of belonging where she studied abroad, and I wouldn’t be surprised to learn that she has returned there. Certainly, I doubt that she is through traveling. But I cannot know for sure without asking her, and I am still too heartbroken (and terms eight damn months) to resume contact with her.

    All in all, I am grateful for the time we had together, but I am even more grateful that she had the courage to end it, because in that pain (and there was A LOT of pain, and still is) I rediscovered who I really am, or at least got on the right path for doing it. People fall in love, and they fall out of love, for whatever reason, for no reason at all other than just growing apart. We had grown apart. I did all that I could do, but it just happened. I realize now, that while I was certain that I wanted to spend my life with her,the both of us still have a lot of growing to do before we are ready for marriage and a family. She realized this before I did. I am thankful to have had my heart so utterly broken because now I am more equipped to love, to know what love is,to know how unsafe and uncontrollable love is,and to know how deeply I value love in my life.

    So, the final word: Yes, OP, he is heartbroken because he loved you. And because he loved you, what he really wanted was for you to thrive and grow, even if that meant without him. You fell out of love with him. Likely because, like my ex, you realized that you needed to expand yourself and grow, and you were being limited to this end by your attachment to him. And, like me, he will soon look upon his broken heart as one of the most important events of his life. He will look back on his heartache and see how it helped him to grow, deepen,transcend, expand.

    Some quotes, (both paraphrased since I don’t have the source material on me ATM):

    “The wound is where light enters the body.” -Rumi

    “When you love each other in such a way that you both feel free, then your love is true. ” -Thich Nhat Hanh

    So there’s that.

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