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Sumi

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  • August 7, 2020 at 10:25 pm #364130
    Sumi
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    Dear Tridha,

    I hope the situations will get better soon. As I try to understand you, you had tolerated all of those behaviors from 4.5 years and now you don’t wanna move on with it and the major reason is your child for whom you want to create a better world. And what would that better world be? There seems to be very strong difference in values between you, your husband and his family. You have clearly 2 options ahead. Either you move ahead for divorce (of course you will need to know about child custody) or try an alternate ways to have a clear conversation regarding this with your husband (may be without generalizing your husband response as he did in past). Since your MIL and family is far anyway your husband and you might create a better world for her.

    I can really relate to you with my experience. To tell you in brief, I have been grown up with very typical family similar to yours.
    My mum had faced so much and even much bad situations from my father (who in those days was submissive to his mum), everyone who saw my mum condition said her to leave my dad. She could not do so because she had a child. She tolerated many things. (Both of them love us so much).. When I talk to her on this, I really wished she had divorced and took step otherwise. But now the situation is different. Things started changing with time. After we started becoming older my dad was more understanding to mum than to grandmother. There are still so much difference in values but they have adjusted to it. I am sharing you this just as a real example that my mother tolerance to situations saved this family and we are all together doing better. Just telling you a different dimension of similar story.

    If you want to move on with Divorce, you really need to know about child custody, and if it’s in your favor, it will solve your insecurity. Once you get clear of either of things it will really be helpful to decide what you want.

    Sumi

    August 5, 2020 at 6:05 am #363837
    Sumi
    Participant

    Hy Tridha,

    Saw your post and I can understand the pressure you must have been going through. As you mentioned that your MIL lives in India I can already pre-assume many things regarding her behaviors towards you. I live in Nepal, a neighbor country to India and we follow pretty much similar eastern cultures. And I can clearly feel the problem is created due to the difference in the values and belief that ultimately created the difference between what you want and what she want. I am not married, but I have faced so many situations of ‘not having private space’ and have also seen experiences of our sister in law. We are adapted to this culture and sometimes it gets hard but we also get so much nurture and love that we adapt to this lifestyle. But believe me, in most of our culture the way family members expect from daughter in law is very very different.

    Trust me, i can completely completely relate to your pain. I want you to choose what will make you happy. Since thinking of divorce with having a kid is really heartbreaking. I just want you to take time, relax and think what are the good things about your husband and why you fell in love with him. What are his behaviors that you adore. Have you been really able to sit in front of him and discuss calmly about the anxieties you going through? Without pre-assuming he won’t understand you? Being an old Indian mother grown herself as a daughter (at home) and daughter in law of someone under same values, beliefs is what made her to react like this. And she don’t find flaw in her but rather it’s her learning of life and sees them as love and affection (IT’S HER VALUE AND OUR VALUE FOR LOVE AND AFFECTION IS DIFFERENT, I KNOW – AND VALUES ARE NEVER WRONG. THEY ARE JUST DIFFERENT).

    As from your story, I guess your MIL is of older age and it’s now very difficult to tell her that her VALUES need to be changed. Her age don’t allow that. This will surely lead conflict leading to pain you are facing. I am not in her favor, but it’s about your happiness. It is not so easy, but try to find from her point, WHY SHE WANTS YOU TO CALL EVERYDAY? The way she says might be wrong, but deep inside its about love and affection that took her whole age to make who she is. I might sound little eastern culture, but may be if you are able to think from different perspective your marriage life will be saved and change in perception will lead to peace from anxiety mode.

    I hope you remain happy always.

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