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Marriage – Feel Hopeless

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  • #363758
    Tridha
    Participant

    Hi Guys,

    I come to this platform from time to time to talk about my issues and feel great about the words of encouragement I receive from you all. My MIL and I have had the most difficult relationship from the beginning of my marriage. I am too independent, opiniated and a shameless woman for them. I have taken everything for 4.5 years and I am so over everything, I don’t even feel like talking or sharing my problems with my husband. We have a 6 month old daughter – I have recently started wondering if it’s the end of the road for us or if there is anything left for me in this marriage. I don’t know what I want.

    • This topic was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by Tridha.
    #363762
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tridha:

    We communicated about your MIL  May of last year, and if I understand correctly, she has been a MIL-from-Hell all through your 4.5 year marriage. Your husband is submissive to her, so he is not part of the solution.

    I don’t remember if you shared the following: is your MIL living close to you, how often do you see/ talk to her (I am trying to figure out, practically how big of a part she has in your life)?

    anita

    #363766
    Tridha
    Participant

    <span style=”font-family: ‘Arial’,sans-serif; color: #0e101a; background: white;”>Thanks for responding, Anita. I live in the US and she is in India but her involvement in our life is beyond me. My daughter recently turned 6 months old and I started her on solids, when I called my mother-law to speak over the weekend she got mad that I didn’t inform her about this, its an important tradition in India. After that she told me how I have changed her relationship with her son and now I am trying to keep the grandkid away. This morning, I text from her sister about being not calling the whole time she was at my mother-in-laws place and if there are any issues between me and my in-laws. There are no boundaries in this family and I am really tired. I have even stopped sharing anything with my husband because like you said – he is not part of the solution. I think we should part ways but I am really scared. I call her once every weekend but that’s not enough for her, she wants me to call her everyday and check-in. With a baby and a full time job I barley have time to sleep and when I do, I really don’t want to engage with her, she gives me anxiety. </span>

    #363769
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tridha:

    I am sorry that you are in the situation you are in. I too was in  contact with a person who gave me anxiety, and it was terrible- it was like living in a war zone, not knowing when I was going to be attacked next. Without your husband’s help, I would say that it might be a good idea to separate and divorce him, and in so doing, exiting this emotional/ verbal war zone with his mother.

    Living in the US, being employed, and applying for child support from your child’s father, may make it possible for you to have a way better life as a single mother (and maybe get re-married in the future).

    It will definitely be better for your child to have a calmer mother! I understand that you are “really scared”- tell me more about what you are scared of, will you?

    anita

    #363833
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Tridha,

    You have a 6 month old baby and a full-time job and your MIL expects you to call her every day? That’s unacceptable. My husband’s mother is deceased now. She lived in a different state and she and I had a good relationship but I very rarely called her because my husband called her regularly (about once a week). Sometimes I would get on the phone and say hello but not every time. If your MIL is expecting daily phone calls then your husband (her son) should be the one making them. If he doesn’t want to do it,then no daily calls.

    You are not obligated to call her, even only once a week, when she speaks to you the way she does. Don’t call her at all. Just stop.

    If your husband can’t support you in this, it’s time to separate.

    I wish you had a kinder, more loving and supportive MIL.

    B

    #363837
    Sumi
    Participant

    Hy Tridha,

    Saw your post and I can understand the pressure you must have been going through. As you mentioned that your MIL lives in India I can already pre-assume many things regarding her behaviors towards you. I live in Nepal, a neighbor country to India and we follow pretty much similar eastern cultures. And I can clearly feel the problem is created due to the difference in the values and belief that ultimately created the difference between what you want and what she want. I am not married, but I have faced so many situations of ‘not having private space’ and have also seen experiences of our sister in law. We are adapted to this culture and sometimes it gets hard but we also get so much nurture and love that we adapt to this lifestyle. But believe me, in most of our culture the way family members expect from daughter in law is very very different.

    Trust me, i can completely completely relate to your pain. I want you to choose what will make you happy. Since thinking of divorce with having a kid is really heartbreaking. I just want you to take time, relax and think what are the good things about your husband and why you fell in love with him. What are his behaviors that you adore. Have you been really able to sit in front of him and discuss calmly about the anxieties you going through? Without pre-assuming he won’t understand you? Being an old Indian mother grown herself as a daughter (at home) and daughter in law of someone under same values, beliefs is what made her to react like this. And she don’t find flaw in her but rather it’s her learning of life and sees them as love and affection (IT’S HER VALUE AND OUR VALUE FOR LOVE AND AFFECTION IS DIFFERENT, I KNOW – AND VALUES ARE NEVER WRONG. THEY ARE JUST DIFFERENT).

    As from your story, I guess your MIL is of older age and it’s now very difficult to tell her that her VALUES need to be changed. Her age don’t allow that. This will surely lead conflict leading to pain you are facing. I am not in her favor, but it’s about your happiness. It is not so easy, but try to find from her point, WHY SHE WANTS YOU TO CALL EVERYDAY? The way she says might be wrong, but deep inside its about love and affection that took her whole age to make who she is. I might sound little eastern culture, but may be if you are able to think from different perspective your marriage life will be saved and change in perception will lead to peace from anxiety mode.

    I hope you remain happy always.

    #363844
    patrica
    Participant

    You may not even recognize how you got here, but you feel where you are. The criticisms from your spouse sting and linger. The compliments that were once so validating and that made you feel so appreciated have disappeared. Going to work and busying yourself outside the home become welcome distractions.

    And going home, especially if your spouse is there, is the loneliest part of the day.

    This is the point in marriage where you may ask yourself, How does an unhappy marriage affect you? Am I reading my feelings correctly? Is this how I’m going to feel for the rest of my life?”

    Perhaps you don’t even share some key values anymore. Perhaps sex is actually a distancing, emotionally painful experience. Perhaps you bicker about petty subjects as a way of avoiding deeper issues (and deeper intimacy).

    However this marriage-of-one-or-none is playing out, you know only that you don’t recognize this life to which you are sworn. You may even wonder if you made a huge mistake uttering those two life-sentencing words on your wedding day.

    The only thing that could make you feel worse is your suspicion that your spouse might feel the same way. And if both of you feel such disconnect, the time has come to learn how to save your marriage.

    you can read this article, https://superwellnessblog.net/in-marriage-its-hugs-before-business/ for learning more

    #363879
    Tridha
    Participant

    <span>Thanks for all your input. Just to give you all a background – Our relationship wasn’t like this earlier. I come from an Indian family and used to stay connected every day like a good daughter-in-law, which was ignored, my calls were never returned, and I was told – I should keep calling till they pick up my calls. The cracks started appearing in October 2016 when my mother-in-law got mad at me when my husband (her son) questioned her about this behavior. She told me, “she feels her son is not even happy in this marriage, because he has changed so much. He doesn’t smile as much, doesn’t look like his usual self.” I was told by my own mother that I should continue to be kind to my in-laws since this is our culture. Despite my best efforts, all I have heard from them are snide remarks – why don’t you smile when you get up in the morning? A girl like you can neither be a good daughter or a daughter-in-law? I know how to sort out girls like you. Don’t get me wrong – I haven’t stayed silent – I have fought, cried, and even left the room to save my sanity. I blasted the whole family last year when they told me I should take their permission to see my parents since I am married now. I was three months pregnant then, but my husband chose to stay quiet during the whole episode. I honestly feel I don’t want my daughter to see how I get treated in this family. I was never able to forgive my husband for choosing them over me. We are together, and we live under the same roof, I think for my daughter’s sake I can continue to live like this, but I wonder what would I be teaching her.</span>

    #363880
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tridha:

    What about separating from your husband and divorcing him, is that possible for you, something that may work for your and your daughter’s benefit?

    anita

    #363887
    Tridha
    Participant

    I am scared of that too – I don’t know where would that lead me. I don’t know if I will be able to get m daughter’s custody or not. I am just hopeless right now.

    #363892
    Brandy
    Participant

    Hi Tridha,

    Your MIL makes snide, hurtful remarks to you yet you’re expected to be kind to her because it’s your culture? And you’re also expected to ask your husband’s family for permission to see your own parents? No wonder you’re unhappy, Tridha.

    Is marriage counseling an option? Perhaps a professional can explain to both you and your husband just how damaging your MIL’s abusive and controlling behaviors are to your emotional well being.

    B

    #363897
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Tridha:

    You wrote that you are afraid to consider separation and divorce, “I don’t know if I will be able to get my daughter’s custody or not. I am just hopeless”-

    – if you get information, you will be less scared and less hopeless. You can start with online research regarding divorce and custody laws where you live, or better, make an appointment with a reputable divorce lawyer so to get the information that you need.

    You don’t need to decide what to  do now, or anytime soon- take just one step and get information. Without information, you are like in a dark room, scared and hopeless. Having information is like a light switch is turned on in the dark room: you can see and you have hope.

    anita

    #364130
    Sumi
    Participant

    Dear Tridha,

    I hope the situations will get better soon. As I try to understand you, you had tolerated all of those behaviors from 4.5 years and now you don’t wanna move on with it and the major reason is your child for whom you want to create a better world. And what would that better world be? There seems to be very strong difference in values between you, your husband and his family. You have clearly 2 options ahead. Either you move ahead for divorce (of course you will need to know about child custody) or try an alternate ways to have a clear conversation regarding this with your husband (may be without generalizing your husband response as he did in past). Since your MIL and family is far anyway your husband and you might create a better world for her.

    I can really relate to you with my experience. To tell you in brief, I have been grown up with very typical family similar to yours.
    My mum had faced so much and even much bad situations from my father (who in those days was submissive to his mum), everyone who saw my mum condition said her to leave my dad. She could not do so because she had a child. She tolerated many things. (Both of them love us so much).. When I talk to her on this, I really wished she had divorced and took step otherwise. But now the situation is different. Things started changing with time. After we started becoming older my dad was more understanding to mum than to grandmother. There are still so much difference in values but they have adjusted to it. I am sharing you this just as a real example that my mother tolerance to situations saved this family and we are all together doing better. Just telling you a different dimension of similar story.

    If you want to move on with Divorce, you really need to know about child custody, and if it’s in your favor, it will solve your insecurity. Once you get clear of either of things it will really be helpful to decide what you want.

    Sumi

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