The past two weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster to me. I have been experiencing so many different feelings during the day. I go from waking up anxious, deflated to feeling sad, crying, sometimes feeling this sudden rush of motivation and even a bit of joy which passes quite quickly unfortunately. There is also a feeling which I have realised I have not experienced much in my life or maybe repressed it- anger. I woke up in the middle of the other night angry. Angry at him, or maybe rather angry at the fact that he turned out not to be a person that I thought he was.And yes, I am actually angry that he treated me this way. I know that I cannot expect others to understand how I feel, I think I accepted that now… but the emotions are still there.
I have also been meditating every day with getsomeheadspace (well, trying to as I don’ think I am that great at it lol). But i have noticed that there is one thought that keeps popping in my head and one belief that I am holding onto. It is that what he has done was about ME. That i’m defective in some way or not good enough or if I was more this or less this, this wouldn’t have happened.I am trying to beat myself up for something even though, rationally, I know I have nothing to beat myself up for, but this belief/thought just wouldn’t let go and I keep holding onto it when it comes up.I do know that these thoughts are irrational but I also do know that I do believe them deep down as they keep reappearing.
I have also seen a counsellor and will see him for another four sessions until christmas holidays. He thinks that I am not compassionate enough towards myself and try to fix myself and do not consider the fact that someone else’s actions are not about me…He also asked me one question which I couldn’t give answer for: would you be able to finish a relationship if you’re unhappy in it? And whereas I always thought that I would, I hesitated. I have noticed that I neglect my feelings and emotions. I justify them and find the reasons not to feel them, I feel like they are not important, exaggerated…

Well, in general, it’s been hard:( I am getting a bit tired… But I will keep going and see where it brings me. Thank you, once again, for your support !xxx

Also, I really like the sentence you wrote : ‘Life is fast paced enough without having to worry about the person you love not loving you and supporting you’. I have written it down in my journal:) Thank you!