Anita I just want to see the best in him and hold onto what is good just like he is with me. But you’re right nothing good can come of spending the rest of my life feeling this way. I was up all night overthinking things feeling empty and lonely. I just wrote him this.

Anita you are an amazing person. Thank you for indulging me in my situation and issues. This world needs more people like you. I need a friend like you as for a long while I haven’t had any.

********

My sister sent me this.

And I agree with her…

I love you.

Hi there Anita,

I’m seriously contemplating ending this relationship since I always feel alone after spending time with him. Is it normal for me to want him to know more about me? We just finished reading a chapter of a book he wrote and I spent most of the time telling him how wonderful it is. He says he loves that we are sharing “intellectual” time together. Sometimes it feels like an ego boost for him. I love knowing more about him this way however it’s not reciprocal. He only wants to read his book. He never asks me how I’m doing and when I offer information about myself to him, he seems uninterested or bored. I feel empty. The conversations always revolve around him. Am I being selfish? How do you tell if he’s just self-absorbed or just truly wants me to get to know him through his writing? What purpose does this serve? He’s no longer interested in me in any other way for the last while. I feel empty and if I bring anything up, I will feel it would only cause drama. He says he wants to come visit, but I wonder if he’s just stringing me along so he can have me read his book to him. The conversation ends with him happy and content but me feeling empty and feeling like I only serve a singular purpose. That I’m compartmentalized. He never calls me during the day. Only at night. He says just call me if you ever need to hear my voice. What’s that all about? He says he never asks because he doesn’t have to know anything about me right now, that we have the rest of our lives together to find out. Is he stringing me along? How do I approach this?

I was married to a man who was abusive and was emotionally unavailable. Is this just more of the same?

Any advice would be appreciated.

Hi Anita,

I really appreciate your advice and showing me that I’m acting like an armchair psychologist. I’ve just been researching it a lot probably because I feel that I am one. I won’t throw labels around even at myself. I’m learning a lot about myself and in this journey I’m seeing that sometimes what I accuse others of is what I really am myself. I’ve got to work on myself a lot.

Yes, my instinct is that he lies. I haven’t. He’s been by my side everyday as I was leaving my marriage so he knows everything unfortunately. I guess I should’ve been stronger to stand on my own.

Yes, I agree with you Anita. Trust is an essential part of a relationship but is infinitely harder when it is long distance.

I know this website is going to help me identify and fix my foibles, weaknesses, and help me find the strength to heal.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Hi Anita!

Thank you for your quick response. Wow!

He says he is coming out of retirement for me only (now) and if we don’t work out he will remain celibate. He said he had the brief affair at least a year before he met me.

No I’m not a bad person but I feel selfish. He said on the day of the anniversary that his wife died that he would call me and considering that he thought I was the one his wife wanted for him, I thought we could spend some time together. He called me selfish and said that it was his day. I felt horrible.

Also, I sent him and his family Christmas gifts not expecting anything in return. He said thank you and that’s it. He’s introduced me to a couple of his family members including his parents so I guess that’s a good sign? However, because of COVID, on Christmas he was to video call to introduce me to the rest of his family but he flaked out.

There’s a lot more to this sordid story. I feel crazy even telling it.