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Suomilainen

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  • #373019
    Suomilainen
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    Anita I just want to see the best in him and hold onto what is good just like he is with me. But you’re right nothing good can come of spending the rest of my life feeling this way. I was up all night overthinking things feeling empty and lonely. I just wrote him this.

    Anita you are an amazing person. Thank you for indulging me in my situation and issues. This world needs more people like you. I need a friend like you as for a long while I haven’t had any.

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    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>Good morning! Thank you so much for sharing your story last night. I always look forward to learning more about you! You have a gift and I’m so happy that you’re regenerating your passion for writing as you need to share it with the world. You will be a success no doubt and I will always be supportive when and if you need it.</div>
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    <div class=”contents-2mQqc9″ role=”document”><i class=”separator-2nZzUB” aria-hidden=”true”></i>
    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>Honestly, I 100% understand if you are feeling like you need to investigate me further to see if we are compatible in all areas. Last night I was doing a lot of thinking about what I would like to have in a relationship.</div>
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    <div class=”contents-2mQqc9″ role=”document”>I believe that being best friends first and a couple second make for a strong relationship, long-term. You are the one that I would love to have this type of relationship with. My ex used to say you’re ^&**&^ stupid. Now I would just say to him that he’s **&^&* proof. Yes, I was not so smart in staying, but I’m finally learning what I want in life.</div>
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    <div class=”contents-2mQqc9″ role=”document”><i class=”separator-2nZzUB” aria-hidden=”true”></i>
    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>My body and soul knew he was toxic but my mind was so jumbled up until I met you. You were my breath of fresh air and I knew from the moment I met you that you were a gem.</div>
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    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>I know I’ve got to just let go of my insecurities and become thicker skinned.</div>
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    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>But I will not apologize for being sensitive as that is who I have always been.</div>
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    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>With your help, I was able to stop letting my ex who did so little for our family control and abuse so much of me and for that I am eternally grateful.</div>
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    <div id=”chat-messages-800738125566967819″ class=”message-2qnXI6 cozyMessage-3V1Y8y groupStart-23k01U wrapper-2a6GCs cozy-3raOZG zalgo-jN1Ica” tabindex=”-1″ role=”listitem” data-list-item-id=”chat-messages___chat-messages-800738125566967819″>
    <div class=”contents-2mQqc9″ role=”document”>Anyways, I digress. I can feel that you’re probably rolling your eyes and heaving a big sigh right now lol. But I just wanted to let you know that if I didn’t truly love you I wouldn’t be bothering with all of this right now. I am so thankful and appreciative of your support, having my back during my departure, helping to save me and my son from a serious situation.</div>
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    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>I know you’re big on no expectations and taking what you can get. I’m trying to get there.</div>
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    <div class=”contents-2mQqc9″ role=”document”>But I think some expectations are healthy as long as they are not unrealistic. I know that unrealistic expectations in relationships can kill a relationship.</div>
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    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>(Sorry the internet keeps cutting out. ) Maybe this fundamental belief of mine does not coincide with yours? What I’m trying to get at is I feel I’m not worth getting to know more about.</div>
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    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>I’m not saying that I don’t deserve to have someone who is truly interested in me. What I mean is that in a healthy relationship, I believe that each person needs to feel truly loved and that interest in one another is mutual/reciprocal.</div>
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    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>I hope that I make you feel that way. I know I haven’t been easy to deal with these last 4 months. Unfortunately, I apologize way too much. But I just want you to know that I realize my behaviour and am in the process of fixing it.</div>
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    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>Is anything I else I can do other than not telling you how you feel or see me? Maybe overthinking and overanalyzing everything? I do this to avoid getting hurt, to find happiness, to think about every possible situation to get through all the issues with my dignity and respect intact this time while making sure that you know I love you dearly for who you are right now.</div>
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    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>I want to be in a relationship to be happy, to smile, to laugh, and to make good memories. Not to be constantly upset, to feel hurt, and to cry and to cause stress and be a burden to you.</div>
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    <div id=”chat-messages-800747208415772682″ class=”message-2qnXI6 cozyMessage-3V1Y8y wrapper-2a6GCs cozy-3raOZG zalgo-jN1Ica” tabindex=”-1″ role=”listitem” data-list-item-id=”chat-messages___chat-messages-800747208415772682″>
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    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>I think it was Shakespeare that said he always felt happy because he didn’t expect anything from anyone because they always hurt and life is short.</div>
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    <div id=”chat-messages-800747721840394321″ class=”message-2qnXI6 cozyMessage-3V1Y8y wrapper-2a6GCs cozy-3raOZG zalgo-jN1Ica” tabindex=”-1″ role=”listitem” data-list-item-id=”chat-messages___chat-messages-800747721840394321″>
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    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>But I’m not afraid of any expectations that you may have of me. I want to make this work, so if I’m falling short, if you are still interested, just tell me.</div>
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    <div id=”chat-messages-800747814568984607″ class=”message-2qnXI6 cozyMessage-3V1Y8y wrapper-2a6GCs cozy-3raOZG zalgo-jN1Ica” tabindex=”-1″ role=”listitem” data-list-item-id=”chat-messages___chat-messages-800747814568984607″>
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    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>I know I overthink, but then I tend to over-love lol</div>
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    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>Anyways, it’s time for me to just be happy because for the majority of my life I was sad, angry and overthinking things to try to make my marriage work with someone who was not interested in anything but treating his family as possessions and punching bags and was extremely self-absorbed where we 90% of the time had to do what he wanted which for the most part I fought against but never won with him. That will never happen again.</div>
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    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>I so want this to work. I want to let things flow and come naturally. To for once in a very long while have a positive, mutually inspiring relationship that is not one-sided. Where love, passion, respect, and equality are present because that is when peace and harmony will reign for the first time in my life (and that of my son). To me love is action, and everything else is words.<time class=”edited-3sfAzf” role=”note” datetime=”2021-01-18T15:49:04.626Z” aria-label=”Monday, 18 January 2021 10:49″>(edited)</time></div>
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    <div class=”contents-2mQqc9″ role=”document”><i class=”separator-2nZzUB” aria-hidden=”true”></i>This is my major goal after looking inward and seeing what I need to fix and come to terms with in myself, gaining that inner peace, love, and acceptance first.</div>
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    <div id=”chat-messages-800749979513520166″ class=”message-2qnXI6 cozyMessage-3V1Y8y wrapper-2a6GCs cozy-3raOZG zalgo-jN1Ica” tabindex=”-1″ role=”listitem” data-list-item-id=”chat-messages___chat-messages-800749979513520166″>
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    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>I already know what I want at the end of this and that is you.</div>
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    <div id=”chat-messages-800750281222651944″ class=”message-2qnXI6 cozyMessage-3V1Y8y wrapper-2a6GCs cozy-3raOZG zalgo-jN1Ica” tabindex=”-1″ role=”listitem” data-list-item-id=”chat-messages___chat-messages-800750281222651944″>
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    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>I called you last night because I am concerned that my behaviour over the last few months has been crazy and that has diminished your interest.</div>
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    <div id=”chat-messages-800750624840351795″ class=”message-2qnXI6 cozyMessage-3V1Y8y wrapper-2a6GCs cozy-3raOZG zalgo-jN1Ica” tabindex=”-1″ role=”listitem” data-list-item-id=”chat-messages___chat-messages-800750624840351795″>
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    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>I’m not sure what type of relationship we have now, if it’s heading into friend territory because action-wise that’s what I see. But then words are contrary. There’s a disconnect and I’m confused.</div>
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    <div class=”contents-2mQqc9″ role=”document”>As you are now writing more and unearthing your passion, can I ask if you will have time for a relationship or will this be a hinderance? I would never want to stand in your way and will bow out as I only want the best for you. It would just be nice to know this in advance.</div>
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    <div class=”contents-2mQqc9″ role=”document”>Anyways, sorry for the novel. I’ve got to get to work! Be happy today Kultaseni and keep smiling. Know that I’ll be thinking of you today wishing you were here beside me. One day I hope we can be unstoppable and live a life together with mutual love, respect, inspiration, fidelity, and of course passion! One day, I hope to wake up in the middle of the night feeling you beside me. I would wake you up just to kiss you deeply and hold you and make you feel the love I have for you.</div>
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    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>My sister sent me this.</div>
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    <div id=”chat-messages-800755676246573066″ class=”message-2qnXI6 cozyMessage-3V1Y8y wrapper-2a6GCs cozy-3raOZG zalgo-jN1Ica” tabindex=”-1″ role=”listitem” data-list-item-id=”chat-messages___chat-messages-800755676246573066″>
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    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>And I agree with her…</div>
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    <div class=”markup-2BOw-j messageContent-2qWWxC”>I love you.</div>
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    #373020
    Suomilainen
    Participant

    Sorry I forgot to ask something else. Last night in -14 temperature, my furnace stopped working so I’m sitting here in my winter coat waiting for it to be fixed. He knows this and said last night that he wished he was here to keep me warm 😉 Anyways, I haven’t heard any follow up from him this morning to see how I am doing. I know I would be calling him in the same situation. Am I being unreasonable and having too much of a high expectation or being too sensitive to think he should call to see how I am? Many times I have called him in the mornings and wished him a good day and sometimes a call just to say I love him. He hasn’t. The majority of the times that he calls is at night. He’s too busy for a short call I guess. I’ve brought it up to him and he said he would try to become more comfortable calling me during the day. I told him that comment felt strange. We should be at a more comfortable place now for calling during the day. Am I being too needy? It is a long distance relationship and we haven’t met so why is this not happening? I would love it if he would do this. Instead he writes me in a chat and sends me songs from spotify which is great, but nothing like the voice and seeing the person. I feel this is much better. It feels right and normal to me. Your thoughts? Am I being too demanding?

    #373006
    Suomilainen
    Participant

    Hi there Anita,

    I’m seriously contemplating ending this relationship since I always feel alone after spending time with him. Is it normal for me to want him to know more about me? We just finished reading a chapter of a book he wrote and I spent most of the time telling him how wonderful it is. He says he loves that we are sharing “intellectual” time together. Sometimes it feels like an ego boost for him. I love knowing more about him this way however it’s not reciprocal. He only wants to read his book. He never asks me how I’m doing and when I offer information about myself to him, he seems uninterested or bored. I feel empty. The conversations always revolve around him. Am I being selfish? How do you tell if he’s just self-absorbed or just truly wants me to get to know him through his writing? What purpose does this serve? He’s no longer interested in me in any other way for the last while. I feel empty and if I bring anything up, I will feel it would only cause drama. He says he wants to come visit, but I wonder if he’s just stringing me along so he can have me read his book to him. The conversation ends with him happy and content but me feeling empty and feeling like I only serve a singular purpose. That I’m compartmentalized. He never calls me during the day. Only at night. He says just call me if you ever need to hear my voice. What’s that all about? He says he never asks because he doesn’t have to know anything about me right now, that we have the rest of our lives together to find out. Is he stringing me along? How do I approach this?

    I was married to a man who was abusive and was emotionally unavailable. Is this just more of the same?

    Any advice would be appreciated.

    #372932
    Suomilainen
    Participant

    Thank you Anita.

    #372929
    Suomilainen
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    I really appreciate your advice and showing me that I’m acting like an armchair psychologist. I’ve just been researching it a lot probably because I feel that I am one. I won’t throw labels around even at myself. I’m learning a lot about myself and in this journey I’m seeing that sometimes what I accuse others of is what I really am myself. I’ve got to work on myself a lot.

    Yes, my instinct is that he lies. I haven’t. He’s been by my side everyday as I was leaving my marriage so he knows everything unfortunately. I guess I should’ve been stronger to stand on my own.

    Yes, I agree with you Anita. Trust is an essential part of a relationship but is infinitely harder when it is long distance.

    I know this website is going to help me identify and fix my foibles, weaknesses, and help me find the strength to heal.

    Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

    #372905
    Suomilainen
    Participant

    Hi Anita!

    Yes, you are right. The math doesn’t add up. There are a lot of things that don’t add up with his stories. There are many more.

    The introductions were very brief. I’ve only talked to his mother once, who has dementia, and his father once, and very briefly his 2 brothers all who live together in the same house. They are poor. Also, his sister just made a quick appearance and was hesitant to show her face at first. I think he introduced me as his girlfriend. He says his family always asks about me but I’ve never spoken to them since (about a month ago).

    He knows my financial situation and knows my ex’s and son’s names. He never asks about my life really other than once where he asked if I received a letter from my ex’s lawyer. I confronted him about not asking about me and he said he wants to learn about me but he just doesn’t have to know it all to know that I am a good person with a good heart (seriously?). His answers are always seem rehearsed.

    He called me selfish because on the anniversary of his wife’s death, he was to call me and he didn’t until I went on the game and spoke to one of his friends. Not 10 minutes afterwards, he called saying “at least I called”. Ok maybe that’s selfish but I thought that since he said I was so important to him and his vision.

    I’ve done a background check and found nothing. I’ve become a little paranoid and called the police once to inquire about sexploitation because I’m afraid he may leak the intimate photos, etc. I’m in Canada, he is in the US. I’ve never done anything like this before so I’m overly cautious.

    #372856
    Suomilainen
    Participant

    Hi Anita!

    Thank you for your quick response. Wow!

    He says he is coming out of retirement for me only (now) and if we don’t work out he will remain celibate. He said he had the brief affair at least a year before he met me.

    No I’m not a bad person but I feel selfish. He said on the day of the anniversary that his wife died that he would call me and considering that he thought I was the one his wife wanted for him, I thought we could spend some time together. He called me selfish and said that it was his day. I felt horrible.

    Also, I sent him and his family Christmas gifts not expecting anything in return. He said thank you and that’s it. He’s introduced me to a couple of his family members including his parents so I guess that’s a good sign? However, because of COVID, on Christmas he was to video call to introduce me to the rest of his family but he flaked out.

    There’s a lot more to this sordid story. I feel crazy even telling it.

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