Wow Peter,

I really really appreciate your comments. It seems like it’s more of a way of living, almost a philosophy on how to live your life. Yes, I do doubt my life and live in fear. I’ve quit sooo many jobs, that I feel it’s hopeless. I am living in a guest house on my mothers property and she drives me crazy with her yelling, anger, anxiousness. I need to move out, but I don’t have any money and why get a job that I’m just going to quit. I have been in real estate for years and don’t know how it will translate into another line of work. My Lifestyle Curating isn’t giving me enough money, plus the instability is hard to count on anything stable. I got into a huge blow out with my mom on Wednesday and I told her I have enough with her. I really let her have it in a constructive way. This morning she said that my tone was bad on the phone. I told her I didn’t forget the fight and I am totally over her and her behavior. She thinks that once again we have a fight and everything will be fine. I am completely over it. She thinks she can buy her way into my heart, but that’s not the case anymore. I do feel bad, but it’s for my own good and sanity. I am stuck wearing golden handcuffs. I know that I should be appreciative, but it’s not worth it anymore. All of my friends are married and I don’t have a place to go. I’ve thought about living in the streets for a while, but I’m not sure if that’s the answer. I almost want to do it to show my mother how much she has hurt me through my life. Yes, it will make it very hard to get a job living on the streets, but I don’t know what else to do. I’m sick of hating jobs, so I have lost faith in myself. I’m college educated and my father and stepmother thought I was the one child (there are three sisters and me) that was going to excel over all the children. If anything, I have been the worst with the deepest problems. I feel like I’ve let everyone down, especially myself. I know that as long as I am here in my mothers guest house, I will be miserable. I have lived elsewhere and it was nice, but I wasn’t healing. I really need help, and all of the meeting I’ve seeked out, cost like 50-60 dollars. It be honest, this board is my only life line to people understanding me and being compassionate to my issues.

I heard from mother today and it get me very angry and sad. No job, no money, and feeling like crap. I’m doing my best to keep my distance.
I’m really don’t know what to do from this point on.

Thank you peter for your kind words!!

Hi Anita,

Thank you for the wonderful advice..Again. I am a straight forward person, so I had a conversation with the woman I’ve been on a couple of dates with. I told her that I want to start this endeavor and I am a very strict budget, but I can be creative. I asked her for her feedback, but she didn’t say anything, so I left it alone. If anything, she loosened up and became more affectionate. I didn’t say it the say way you suggested, “I am unemployed and my business is far from being a money making business.” I think I was a little too scared to say that.
I wonder if this is just a bad time to date someone. Most likely it is or I should say exactly what you said. I’m just going to relax around this issue and just spend a little extra time being creative to do things with her.

Now, I just came home last night from house sitting and I saw my mother last night. She was very pleasant, but I just wanted to run away from her. She asked if I wanted Chinese food and we could hang out. I told her “no thank you, I’m going to relax and unpack.” I could tell that she was bummed, but it didn’t effect me. I feel that I am over her for the time being.

I want my next thing to focus on is moving out, (however that looks like). I literally have no money and no projected money coming in, so I’m not sure how I’m going to do it. But, I really want to move, so bad!

Anyway, I just wanted to give you an update as you have become my “go to” person in regards to my life and how to move on.

I hope you had a pleasant weekend!…:)

Anita,
Happy Sunday.

So…I had a wonderful date with a woman this past Friday. She is beautiful, sweet, fun and seems to be into me, (as I enjoy her company as well). I kept the date mostly on her, asking questions about her.

We have plans to meet this late morning to go dishwasher shopping for her. She has two teenage kids and her family is wealthy.

She texted me yesterday and said she was confused with what I do for work. And then she asked me how I get clients.

The bottom line is that I’m feeling a little anxious because I don’t want to falsely represent myself. I mean, I can be very creative, but I don’t have much (actually a tiny amount) of money to spend on her.

My question to you is, do I have a conversation with her that I just started my business and that I really don’t have money to go out to dinner? It’s really occupying my mind as I feel insecure about my money situation.

I would like to explain my situation to her so I can enjoy my time with her and be present (as this is driving me crazy).

Some may think that I should wait, but it’s driving me up the the wall and feel out of integrity in some way.

Thoughts?…:)

Hi Anita,
Very interesting…I never thought about the mother angle of all of this. Yes, I do agree that I hope my mother will change, (stop yelling/anxious, etc.) and there is always a let down with her. I’ll really need to think if I’m playing that out in my dating world. If I am replaying that “hope” with each woman, how do I break that pattern? I know, move out, but what can I do in the meantime? I have this fear that once they get to know me, they won’t like what they find out, (me being neurotic, fear of abandonment, not working, C-PTSD, the list goes on.)…:) I do agree that I am looking for the love and compassion that I didn’t receive as a child.

I do know that I have a lot of great qualities too (as I hear it from many women who I go on dates with) and that I feel I can provide. I get too serious and don’t let things develop slowly, (the old burns hot and dies out quickly) thing happens often as well. Maybe I’m looking so desperately for that love I didn’t get when I was younger that I want it ASAP, (which is totally unrealistic).

One thing that is very important to me is to find someone who is very sweet, feminine, compassionate, loving, a great communicator, and of course, likes me for who I am.

Thank you again Anita!

SummerBreeze,
hahaha..I feel the same way…I actually wish to work on this a little bit. I am a very visual man, (which I think a lot of men are), so it’s important that you are physically attracted to them, (just one component in the larger picture).

I truly think it was because of me not really being attracted to her that led me to not wanting to move forward. We actually talk on the phone now as friends and have already been discussing dates or people that we are talking to online (we are both internet dating). As I talk with her, I see that she for sure hasn’t gotten over her ex…

I have a lot to learn in the romance dept. still. I’m 44 and not sure if I pick the right women. It’s almost like I pick women who I know I won’t like. It’s something I really need to look at. I’m going out for a first date with a woman tonight (just a nice walk on the beach) who is very feminine and fun. But…She has two kids who are preteens and is a little older. She’s not looking for anyone to take care of her and her children. What I’m curious to find out is that if I find her attractive in person, will I overlook the fact that she has kids.

good luck with everything SummerBreeze!

Anita,
I apologize to you and everyone on this post for using profanity. I absolutely agree that it a wonderful thing to keep “the board clean”…:)

Thank you again Anita…For remembering that I should be around positive and uplifting “people” not necessarily just a woman. I have lots of positive friends, but must be conscious about surrounding myself at all times with amazing people!..:) It’s funny, I’m feeling really good staying at my friends house here in MB, (who wouldn’t). Wait…You know my situation with my mother, so here is the question Anita: How do I heal? How do I heal while living on my mothers property? I want to permanently heal, not just move away and take this pain/anger with me somewhere else. Yes, I do realize that this is a process and I need to start somewhere. I will, but you know what just hit me, I think that this week while down at the beach, I’m going to take the heaviness of having to find a solution/heal and have fun. Walk, surf, talk to people, etc. Because when I think about having to heal or get better so I can work, it follows me like a dark cloud.

Maybe I never do get a solid career Anita…And yes, societal pressures are a very hard thing for a man not to have a job or a path for a job. Maybe I need to totally rewire my head and do something else with my time instead, like helping people decorate or people who need something like that in their life. The one thing about that is, I think about the future. Like, going out to dinner, traveling, anything money related, (especially moving out of my mothers house). How do I disconnect from what society says I should be? And you’re really going to have find that needle in a hay stack the size of California to want to be with a man with no career. Maybe…:)

But yes, I have always focused on me “having to get a job” which never stops the pressure on myself. My total dream (seriously), would be to find that space where I’m OK about where I am and that I might be here forever. That I find something that has nothing to do with societal pressures while still knowing this is my purpose.

It is funny…I have a best friend who got a surprise separation in Aug. He came to me for help. To help him find a place and furnish it because we have similar taste, (my dream job, which I would love to do and started doing). He is so appreciative and says I saved his life during this hard time for him. So, when I’m around SM, I’ll stock his fridge, buy and fix his flowers, and tinker with anything that he needs. (by the way, he leaves me his CC, so I’m not paying for anything). While putting away his groceries, I asked myself, “could I be a stay at home husband?” It felt a little empty. But, this thinking is with the mind set that I need to find a career. Or possibly that I’m looking to live my purpose and putting groceries away isn’t my purpose…:) . Anyway, I believe this is a process and it will take time. And when I go back home, it’s going to suck!…:)

Now, I got a touch confused with your previous email. Were you talking about yourself in regards to not working and all that came with it? I would love to learn more if you’re open to it. And I would also love to learn more about your neighbors.

Thank you again Anita, you are a source of huge light for me!

Hi Anita,

I hope you’re doing well and had a wonderful and most likely relaxing New Year’s Eve.

I’m sorry I’ve been out of touch, but the holidays and I just started house sitting in Manhattan Beach yesterday. Staring at the Sunset as we speak.

I had to go home today to meet with AT&T for my internet and my mother took me to the grocery store. Everytime there was a homeless person she saw, she get bummed. It’s like she’s the victim that has nothing to do with her. I did my best to relax and be under control and it was really tough, but I did it. House sitting as been wonderful so far. It’s quiet and I don’t have to deal with anxiousness (which still triggers me, big time).

On another note, I have a first date tonight with a woman. I’m cooking her fish outside and it should be fun. Not sure if I’m physically attracted to her yet. We’ve talked on the phone about three times for about an hour each. She is the same age as me (44) and was married for 20 years. Her ex sounded familiar to me…He was really creative, would quit a lot of jobs, start businesses and then fail…She thought he might be bi-polar, (which he might have been). This woman has to be the wisest woman I’ve ever met. She is whip smart, down to earth, loves nature, and has been through her own shit. We talk a lot about relationships and what we are looking for, and then she would talk about her ex. I totally didn’t mind about that, actually it was really nice to sit back and just listen to her, (which she said she really needed…Someone that she can talk to). She is way more advanced in relationships then I am. Way more. She’s had so many responsibilities that she’s had to deal with (now two full grown girls and her ex husband), that she doesn’t take the time to pamper herself.

We do laugh on the phone, but mostly it’s just talking. I totally feel that there is no judgement on her end, like she’s seen it all and knows how to navigate these waters. Something came up for me though…What if she finds out who I really am and doesn’t like me? I know that might sound wild, but it comes up for me. I feel flawed because of my C-PTSD and that I have a hard time working and that nobody will like me. The thing is, I feel that she will like me though, (through all my wildness). I haven’t told her my story yet and maybe I’ll wait till the next time we meet. I really want to be attracted to her because she is so cool, smart, and down to earth. She is a serious introvert and I’m obviously an extrovert which works out great in a lot of ways. And for some wild reason, I am always attracted to introverts.

We were talking about dinner and asking her what she likes and we decided on salmon. She said, “I just sent you a grocery list of the things you might want to get”. She then realized that I like to do cook and she said, “make anything you want. I want you to take control and not ask me any questions, I want you to handle it”. She did that on a conscious level. I loved it and appreciated it! She knows that I really want to be masculine, and I appreciate that.

It’s interesting. In the past I have been attracted to very feminine women and ones that we laugh together a lot! This woman, we just dive in and talk about our feelings, so it’s not humorous and minimal laughing, but very deep talks. She’s actually someone like me (and she’s a fellow pisces) in regards opening up. My family says, “Don’t open up to soon, you’ll scare women off” and I can see their point. But maybe it’s the right person who digs it and is the same, so it works out.

Please don’t take this comment as shallow, but I’ve had a vision of my next girlfriend. She would be feminine, sweet, funny, enjoys my friends, etc. And this woman doesn’t have a lot of friends, is quiet, and I’m not sure if I’m totally attracted to her (she seems more a tomboy). Now, I know I’m getting way ahead of myself, (which is my M.O) by over analysing everything, AND worrying what people will think if she’s not that attractive. forgive me know, but I’m going to be honest since I’m on here.

She’ll be here in 20 minutes and looking forward to seeing what happens.

The thing is (and excuse me if I’m being redundant) is that there is something deep and beautiful about this woman. She has never had the opportunity to be feminine and pamper herself because she’s too busy taking care of others. Now, I don’t want to change her and don’t know if I can, but that is my forte…Pampering women. Which leads me into a whole nother topic. A number one priority for a man is to have a purpose in life and not focus on a woman as being your number one priority. Is my current purpose in life to heal first before I get a job/career? I feel a pressure around work, and really want to sooth myself around it…Just don’t know how yet.

Anita (and anyone else reading this), thank you for reading this long one!…:)

Hahaha. Anita, in a perfect world, that would be the perfect response from both of them.
The thing with my mother is that I have told her hundreds of times to stop her yelling/anxiousness, but she keeps on going. I think the difference now is that I truly put my foot down with her and how I won’t tolerate it anymore.

So, are you saying that I should have a talk with my Dad in regards to him not being emotionally there for me?
OK, I believe that I’m going to have to email him and let him know how I feel so he does not misinterpret what I am saying.
Today, I feel like I’m standing on the edge of a cliff…Very unstable, (but in a good way). I’m just going to take your advice and be good to myself.

I have an off topic question for you Anita…As I’m going through this transition, should I not date women? First off, I really don’t have any money to date, but I love women and romance. Should I wait till I get my shit together, or have fun and do fun things for a while with a women that doesn’t cost money (hiking, walking, making dinner for them)? I know that it is a little unrealistic to keep that up forever. I have no problem asking women out, but I get a little nervous because I’m not making money and can’t do A LOT of things with a woman. And, I really don’t need any extra pressure on myself. I “think” I just answered my question…:)