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March 15, 2018 at 10:42 am #197443TaliaParticipant
That feels very, very true and real to me. Also in the ways I want to keep a distance there is a similarity. For example, I do not want to be overly close to my dad because it makes me feel uncomfortable and like it’s too little too late. He and my mom seem to get along better now that the kids are out of the house but it still seems like an odd, materialistic life of keeping up with the neighbors.
I wouldn’t be able to be with the married man because I would not be able to fully trust him, would probably still be jealous and i would forever feel like an actual homewrecker. This has really been eye opening since I have not been able to really tell anyone except for a couple friends who think I just had a crush and that’s it.
March 15, 2018 at 9:16 am #197419TaliaParticipant1. When we worked together I was confident he liked me and we could not be together but that it was an option for the future. Since I moved I feel my mind goes crazy when I don’t hear from him. After I left he said he liked having me as a friend but that we couldn’t be together. This led to the jealousy of the wife and even the children, because he had originally said he was unhappy. When i was younger I religiously read Its Called a Breakup because it’s Broken and one quote was something like, assume that he’s dating someone else and she’s a supermodel. Then start dealing with it. So I am trying to deal with what actually might be true. He is working on his marriage, or having other affairs, or both. It’s easier than what I was doing before, picturing him pursuing every possible attractive girl at the company and being happier. Or even just being happier at home which I don’t believe he really will be. But at the same time, that is accepting that I was just the one girl in that time period that showed him the most attention and that he felt he had a chance with. I don’t want him to continue to call me out of obligation and he probably will stop, as I don’t think he really cares about being just friends with a female who no longer works with him.
For 2 I don’t believe my interactions with him were as extreme. The last time I did not hear from him for a while I just asked what his feelings were, if they changed, and if he did not want to see me anymore. He was not really answering so I just kept asking. The next day he apologized and said nothing changed but that he thought cutting back was better. A few times we worked together he would get upset that I didn’t want more and there would be a few days of silent treatment or telling the other we needed a break. These things are very emotional for me and I often cry and become very anxious. With others I have yelled and thrown a cell phone when I found out they were talking to other women (unsurprisingly) but I don’t feel the need to be that way now.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Talia.
March 15, 2018 at 7:58 am #197395TaliaParticipantThanks!
It actually seems like I have been hurt the most by these relationships. I always go in knowing it can’t be anything more and being low key but then I try hard to keep the relationship with extreme emotional outbursts. I think I have had a total of three taboo relationships, one physical and emotional affair with a married man while married, one physical and emotional affair to a single man while engaged, and now this emotional affair. I feel like I was hurt the most by all of these by them not wanting to actually be with me or even if they were saying it, not actually making it happen.When everything started I already knew I didn’t want relationships but I wanted to be the one in control so to speak. I guess losing the relationships is in a way losing the identity I created for myself with that person in my life, even if it’s never been a desirable life when I actually thought about it.
I would say that when I approached these relationships from the beginning it was about wanting a mentor for running with the first man. The second was about teaching him English, and the one now I was seeking a friend to double date with and go to events, and discuss healthy living. However, they all turned into something more whether I believe I wanted it to or not. It felt more comfortable to approach the males instead of females, so I feel like I was looking for friends, but also in an unhappy relationship or lonely.
- This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Talia.
March 15, 2018 at 6:16 am #197383TaliaParticipantPeter,
I like what you wrote, it is very complex and confusing. Id like to be able to let go of these issues and begin to take better care of myself. It is extremely difficult for me to not project when a relationship becomes deeper. I agree maybe I am not thinking of everyone whether friends or romantic interests, as individuals.
I know that people are all here to live their own lives and not live up to a role or standard that I want them to. But the worst is when they give and take it away. This is why I have been trying to keep distance from people but sometimes they just don’t stop in trying to break down walls. After leaving the job I also had a close friend ghost me and I did not blame or get angry or too upset. I just kind of let it go and it felt really freeing so I know I can do it again.- This reply was modified 6 years, 9 months ago by Talia.
March 15, 2018 at 6:06 am #197379TaliaParticipantAnita,
Thank you for your help. That does make a lot of sense although I never thought it really affected how I chose a romantic partner. I do feel that it’s best to go no contact but I am so bad at that.
March 14, 2018 at 12:14 pm #197287TaliaParticipantI am going to look for a therapist starting today. Is there any particular reason that I would be subconsciously looking for a dad and not a mom even though I mostly had issues with my mom? Does it just depend on sexual preference or would the mom issues be reflected in my broken friendships? My dad was the silent type who was usually very nice except for the maybe one or two times a month he would lash out and yell or spank us. My mom was more the type to be either yelling or making constant negative comments.
March 14, 2018 at 11:51 am #197275TaliaParticipantFor me it means living my life for me and not being in this constant state of anxiety. I’m trying to change my fantasies to what might actually be true about him. Accepting the wildest explanation like he loves his wife plus is having the time of his life with any number of other women, it makes it easier than just wondering why he isn’t calling me. When he isn’t calling me I want to make peace with it and just feel neither hate nor sadness. It’s also a weird tie to my old toxic job when I hear little things from him that’s maybe not healthy for me to hear.
I want to be happy with who I am and stop trying to curate my personality, interests, and looks to please others. I have been taking an interest in minimalism, healthy living, and other things to try and free my mind from the negative thoughts so to be independent and not a follower would be moving forward. Eventually finding a relationship And supportive friends would be great. I would like to be able to push through in hard times instead of feeling like I haven’t made any self progress.
I feel like I do like my personality more and other things about myself better than when I was younger, the relationship issues continue to repeat themselves in a similar fashion.
March 14, 2018 at 11:04 am #197257TaliaParticipantAnita, I agree. I go back and forth between wanting to be my old self, who wanted to achieve and find a lifelong partner, to embracing what happened to me and having that carefree attitude and not wanting to get attached. I’m trying to train my mind to stop any more fantasies and see the relationship for what it was. I really want to move forward.
March 14, 2018 at 10:04 am #197237TaliaParticipantBefore I left for college I had a boyfriend that was not really doing much after high school. He kept telling me he as going to propose and that we would have one kid together so that we were always tied to each other. When i left I wanted to have fun and he would repeatedly call me, show up at my school 4 hours away, call my parents etc. It was scary.
My ex husband was kind of a nerd and not very physically my type but had a sweet personality and a girlfriend at the time so I kind of wanted to see if he was interested. After we married I began getting a lot of attention from attractive men and gave in to one. My ex had stopped being nice and was also controlling me, following me, and became abusive.
To make matters worse, my affair partner was insanely jealous of every other man and went through my phone, broke into my apartment, called my employer and family and spread lies, and the list goes on. For a while I usually go along with the behavior out of fear and not wanting to believe it but it doesn’t last long and usually ends up with the person hating me.
I have never had a good relationship with an ex or had a relationship end normally. This current man being very conventionally attractive made his forwardness less of a turn off but still left a lot of questions. I guess I have a thing for unavailable men but I have never shot high when choosing an available one. I always seem to choose the low hanging fruit and it turns disastrous.
March 14, 2018 at 9:32 am #197223TaliaParticipantI have seen therapists but never for a long period of time, usually just addressing the issues of a current relationship. Although I do want the family, I make bad relationship choices. I pick a lot of avoidant men who make me clingy, or I pick the needy ones who make me lose interest and I search for the affair or laying the groundwork for a new relationship. I don’t think I’ve had one that was completely healthy. The married man did tell me I reminded him of his mom who had depression so maybe we both see something in the other. I did not see that as a good thing. I wanted to be the cool girl with him but eventually I let him know some of my darker thoughts and experiences.
Everything that you mentioned draws me to him and it does feel like all the needs are coming together. I know now though I’m not really that special because he is probably pursing other women even though he wants to stay in my life to some degree.March 14, 2018 at 8:34 am #197207TaliaParticipantI agree. The whole thing was intoxicating, I was pretty much in that constant state of excitement for over a year. I have endlessly daydreamed about all the ways I could be in his life, from being friends with the wife or even the daughter. It does seem extremely odd now. However when I learned he could not have female friends, the attraction to him as a partner grew to be very intense. Luckily though I have reminded myself that I would not want him to leave his family. I know logically I do not need his approval or admiration to live my life but it seems impossible to get to the other side.
March 14, 2018 at 8:03 am #197195TaliaParticipantThat definitely shocks me to think about although I have wondered it before. There was a very strong sexual attraction on both ends, but there is probably some truth to that. I actually found my self visiting her social media pages and looking at her pictures, because his wife doesn’t have one. I figured I would possibly be able to compare myself to the wife that way but I did find my self oddly jealous of the daughter too. It was weird, seeing her look happy and having fun when her parents supposedly had a tumultuous relationship. I am closer in age to the wife but I often wonder if he compared me more to the daughter by being at a different place in life. However he is not very mature emotionally so I don’t know whether my emotions would be a turn off for him or not. He did tell me he was searching for someone to love him the way he loved me, but I don’t know if that was even true or just a way to try to get me to sleep with him.
I also felt like when we were working together I was trying to seek approval and impress him as well as talking about what was bothering me. There definitely was a hint of a parent child thing going on. I have had other older friends though with children and did not feel this way. I have completely idolized this ones looks and personality even though I know I would not be happy long term.
I have been trying not to look at the pictures now because that is kind of creepy but I did feel some jealously that she does seem happy and cute and the wife must be the same. I still care about why I’m not good enough to be somewhere in the picture I guess. I would be fine if he had never approached me or I had turned him down from the start but he continued this chase and got under my skin.
March 14, 2018 at 7:16 am #197185TaliaParticipantI think in their minds they were not hurting me. I was given strict rules but still with a bit of freedom. But when I got older they had the attitude of it not being their problem. And I had the attitude that I was going to party no matter what. Even if I didn’t listen to them I feel they still could have said something. I feel like most parents would try to boost their child’s self worth.
I am trying to think about what he represents to me. He is 10 years older with teenage children which makes me think he’s a loving and caring person. He has been with his wife since they were 20 which is cute and I’m jealous because I always wanted the high school or college sweetheart. He supports his whole family even though we were working low paying jobs at a manufacturing facility. He has a cute house that they have been working on together for years.
Since I have gotten older I am actually more interested in going a non traditional route without kids and letting go of that marriage fantasy but I still can’t seem to shake my fantasy of a life with him even though he has a completely different life than me. He indulged me talking about my interests and dreams to work a better job and take time for hobbies and it seemed like he wanted to do these things too. I felt like I could help him get out of the house and do things as he never got a chance to and didn’t have much leftover money. As I mentioned before he talked about his kids but only one thing about being unhappy at home.
It’s kind of odd now thinking about how I thought something could work out with us. I don’t feel like I could ever be a step parent and there is this side to him where I know he pursues other women. I honestly don’t know I am seeing him differently than what is really there?
March 14, 2018 at 6:05 am #197175TaliaParticipantThank you, I feel like things were good while I was a child, although there was some distance with them. When I started to get older, my mom and dad became especially petty and condescending. If I made comments about a friend or boyfriend issue they would go on and on about what I could have done wrong and that it was my fault if another person treated me badly.
When I left for college it was like I went from a smart girl that wanted a good job and good husband to acting completely different. I partied and drank a lot, fell in love constantly with everybody, neglected class to sleep or party, and I know it was my fault. My parents were paying but I felt like I was doing something I didn’t want to do and they didn’t listen to any of my cries for help. They would yell at me but I was solely focused on finding that one guy.
Since then I have had some bad jobs and a failed marriage but I feel like I can get along okay with my parents now. I’m seeing now that I’m not necessarily in love with the man but he is representing something addictive and desirable to me.
March 13, 2018 at 2:34 pm #197107TaliaParticipantI agree it is much deeper than that. I definitely don’t want to be that person and I know it never ends well. Most of my interpersonal relationships. I have a lot of resentment towards my parents and I tend to pick female friends who don’t seem interested in my life. Im also in a new city so I feel incredibly lonely and wonder if I made a mistake moving. I have gone out with new coworkers but feel stressed with the new interactions. Sometimes I feel like he is actually my only friend, although there are a couple acuaintances I talk to.
I definitely will not be the one to contact him and will see what to do when he contacts me. I don’t believe in ghosting but I am aware that it needs to end. My only regret would be what if we both were available at one point and I lost my chance but this experience does make me see that it would have soured a real relationship and I that I won’t want him once I am happy with myself. I love relationship books actually so I will look into that.
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