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Painful love addiction

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  • This topic has 34 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 6 years ago by Anonymous.
Viewing 15 posts - 16 through 30 (of 35 total)
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  • #197225
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Talia:

    The needy man you mentioned, losing interest because they were needy, will you tell me more about it, what in their behaviors caused you to lose interest; how did their needy behaviors made you feel?

    anita

    #197237
    Talia
    Participant

    Before I left for college I had a boyfriend that was not really doing much after high school. He kept telling me he as going to propose and that we would have one kid together so that we were always tied to each other. When i left I wanted to have fun and he would repeatedly call me, show up at my school 4 hours away, call my parents etc. It was scary.

    My ex husband was kind of a nerd and not very physically my type but had a sweet personality and a girlfriend at the time so I kind of wanted to see if he was interested. After we married I began getting a lot of attention from attractive men and gave in to one. My ex had stopped being nice and was also controlling me, following me, and became abusive.

    To make matters worse, my affair partner was insanely jealous of every other man and went through my phone, broke into my apartment, called my employer and family and spread lies, and the list goes on. For a while I usually go along with the behavior out of fear and not wanting to believe it but it doesn’t last long and usually ends up with the person hating me.

    I have never had a good relationship with an ex or had a relationship end normally. This current man being very conventionally attractive made his forwardness less of a turn off but still left a lot of questions. I guess I have a thing for unavailable men but I have never shot high when choosing an available one. I always seem to choose the low hanging fruit and it turns disastrous.

    #197239
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Talia:

    This is  my understanding: you need and want an intimate, loving relationship with a man, but you are also afraid of having such a relationship, of being in one. You need it and afraid of it at the same time . So you do both: place a toe in it, so to speak, feel the water, then withdraw (with a man who is needy), or place your toe in a pond of water knowing it will dry out soon because it is small and the sun is shining hot (with a married or otherwise unavailable man).

    You wrote earlier: “my mom and dad became especially petty and condescending… go on and on about what I could  have done wrong and it was my fault…”- this is the scary part in an intimate close relationship, the one you had with your parents, this very on and on and on and on mental torture.

    You wrote: I partied and drank a lot..  neglected class to sleep or party”- I think you did that because you were sick and tired of torture, of  suffering. Understandably you wanted to feel good.

    And so, you still want closeness, born to need it, born to crave it. And at the same time, such much needed closeness is associated in your mind, understandably, with suffering. You want it and fear it.

    Let me know what you think.

    anita

    #197257
    Talia
    Participant

    Anita, I agree. I go back and forth between wanting to be my old self, who wanted to achieve and find a lifelong partner, to embracing what happened to me and having that carefree attitude and not wanting to get attached. I’m trying to train my mind to stop any more fantasies and see the relationship for what it was. I really want to move forward.

    #197261
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Talia:

    You wrote that you really want to move forward. What does moving forward means, for you?

    anita

    #197275
    Talia
    Participant

    For me it means living my life for me and not being in this constant state of anxiety. I’m trying to change my fantasies to what might actually be true about him. Accepting the wildest explanation like he loves his wife plus is having the time of his life with any number of other women, it makes it easier than just wondering why he isn’t calling me. When he isn’t  calling me I want to make peace with it and just feel neither hate nor sadness. It’s also a weird tie to my old toxic job when I hear little things from him that’s maybe not healthy for me to hear.

    I want to be happy with who I am and stop trying to curate my personality, interests, and looks to please others. I have been taking an interest in minimalism, healthy living, and other things to try and free my mind from the negative thoughts so to be independent and not a follower would be moving forward. Eventually finding a relationship And supportive friends would be great. I  would like to be able to push through in hard times instead of feeling like I haven’t made any self progress.

    I feel like I do like my personality more and other things about myself better than when I was younger, the relationship issues continue to repeat themselves in a similar fashion.

    #197281
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Talia:

    I am glad you like yourself better. I hope you like yourself more and more.

    Reads to me that it will be better for your mental health to not have contact with this man at all. Because it promotes you being anxious, not well.

    How about quality psychotherapy, so to  deal with the origin of your anxiety- life at home, with your parents, when you were a child?

    anita

    #197287
    Talia
    Participant

    I am going to look for a therapist starting today. Is there any particular reason that I would be subconsciously looking for a dad and not a mom even though I mostly had issues with my mom? Does it just depend on sexual preference or would the mom issues be reflected in my broken friendships? My dad was the silent type who was usually very nice except for the maybe one or two times a month he would lash out and yell or spank us. My mom was more the type to be either yelling or making constant negative comments.

    #197291
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Talia:

    Because heterosexual men are interested in you being a woman and you are interested in men, the most intense experiences you have are with men.

    Because your experience with your mother was more troubling to you than your experience with your father, it is your experience with her that is causing the most trouble in your relationships with men. It is not an issue of gender.

    Let me know if I made my point here clearly. I will be back to the computer in about sixteen hours and will be glad to continue our communication then.

    anita

     

    #197305
    Peter
    Participant

    Hi Talia:

    Is there any particular reason that I would be subconsciously looking for a dad and not a mom even though I mostly had issues with my mom?

    Its complicated

    Jung suggested that a part of becoming – individuation process – involves coming to terms with mother and father complex. Which is not about blaming our parents but the process of learning how to nurture and protect ourselves by connecting to our own inner mother and father archetype/energy/ideal…

    The problem is that we relate to and confuse both the archetype of mother and father as well as our experience of our mother and father (for the positive and negative).

    The mother archetype in general terms representing the ways in which we nurture ourselves while the father archetype how we discipline and protect ourselves. The tendency is to confuse, project, and mix up the archetype/ideal with our parents and it becomes, well, complex.

    As we move into adulthood the task is to pull back our projections and in doing so take responsibility for parenting ourselves. The goal is connecting to our inner “mother” and “father” in a way that opens us to being able to love ourselves unconditionally and disciplining ourselves.

    The process is complex as it involves becoming conscious/mindful of what we mean by, and how we relate to and apply to ourselves, concepts such as unconditional love, nurture, discipline, responsibility, accountability, forgiveness…. All of which have been influenced and sometimes corrupted by our experiences… all of which impact our ability to nurture and protect ourselves (forgive us our errors as we forgive others – as above so below as below so above – how we relate to ourselves is connected to how we relate to others)

    Anyway, when you being to see your parents, partners, friends.. as individuals, flawed, with hopes of dreams of there own, doing their best as they encounter their complex’s… perhaps not good enough, they remain accountable however its not about blame. Blame only attaches us to the experience that hurt us.  The goal is detachment, which is different then indifference and becoming cold, is that is allows us space to view the experience, fully feel what we feel, without becoming what we feel, create healthy boundary’s, and learn what we can so that we might grow.

    #197379
    Talia
    Participant

    Anita,

    Thank you for your help. That does make a lot of sense although I never thought it really affected how I chose a romantic partner. I do feel that it’s best to go no contact but I am so bad at that.

    #197383
    Talia
    Participant

    Peter,
    I like what you wrote, it is very complex and confusing. Id like to be able to let go of these issues and begin to take better care of myself. It is extremely difficult for me to not project when a relationship becomes deeper. I agree maybe I am not thinking of everyone whether friends or romantic interests, as individuals.
    I know that people are all here to live their own lives and not live up to a role or standard that I want them to. But the worst is when they give and take it away. This is why I have been trying to keep distance from people but sometimes they just don’t stop in trying to break down walls. After leaving the job I also had a close friend ghost me and I did not blame or get angry or too upset. I just kind of let it go and it felt really freeing so I know I can do it again.

    • This reply was modified 6 years ago by Talia.
    #197389
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Talia:

    You are welcome. The relationships a child has with his or her parents are the most powerful influences on that child’s romantic relationships as an adult. There is nothing more powerful than those early relationships.

    Post again, if you’d like. Maybe develop the thought of how you may be keeping yourself relatively safe from hurt by being in a limited relationship, one where closeness is not possible because of circumstances (guy being married).

    anita

    #197395
    Talia
    Participant

    Thanks!
    It actually seems like I have been hurt the most by these relationships. I always go in knowing it can’t be anything more and being low key but then I try hard to keep the relationship with extreme emotional outbursts. I think I have had a total of three taboo relationships, one physical and emotional affair with a married man while married, one physical and emotional affair to a single man while engaged, and now this emotional affair. I feel like I was hurt the most by all of these by them not wanting to actually be with me or even if they were saying it, not actually making it happen.

    When everything started I already knew I didn’t want relationships but I wanted to be the one in control so to speak. I guess losing the relationships is in a way losing the identity I created for myself with that person in my life, even if it’s never been a desirable life when I actually thought about it.

    I would say that when I approached these relationships from the beginning it was about wanting a mentor for running with the first man. The second was about teaching him English, and the one now I was seeking a friend to double date with and go to events, and discuss healthy living. However, they all turned into something more whether I believe I wanted it to or not. It felt more comfortable to approach the males instead of females, so I feel like I was looking for friends, but also in an unhappy relationship or lonely.

    • This reply was modified 6 years ago by Talia.
    #197403
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Talia:

    To  understand better I have two questions at this point:

    1. You wrote earlier on this page: “Accepting the wildest explanation like he loves his wife plus is having the time of his life with any number of other women, it makes it easier than just wondering why he isn’t  calling me”-  I don’t understand. Can you explain this sentence to me as clearly as you can?

    2. Regarding your recent post, can you give me an example of “an extreme emotional outburst”, maybe a recent one, or a typical one, what do you say during such an outburst, what do you do and feel?

    anita

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