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Painful love addiction

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  • March 15, 2018 at 9:16 am #197419
    Talia
    Participant

    1. When we worked together I was confident he liked me and we could not be together but that it was an option for the future. Since I moved I feel my mind goes crazy when I don’t hear from him. After I left he said he liked having me as a friend but that we couldn’t be together. This led to the jealousy of the wife and even the children, because he had originally said he was unhappy. When i was younger I religiously read Its Called a Breakup because it’s Broken and one quote was something like, assume that he’s dating someone else and she’s a supermodel. Then start dealing with it. So I am trying to deal with what actually might be true. He is working on his marriage, or having other affairs, or both. It’s easier than what I was doing before, picturing him pursuing every possible attractive girl at the company and being happier. Or even just being happier at home which I don’t believe he really will be. But at the same time, that is accepting that I was just the one girl in that time period that showed him the most attention and that he felt he had a chance with. I don’t want him to continue to call me out of obligation and he probably will stop, as I don’t think he really cares about being just friends with a female who no longer works with him.

     

    For 2 I don’t believe my interactions with him were as extreme. The last time I did not hear from him for a while I just asked what his feelings were, if they changed, and if he did not want to see me anymore. He was not really answering so I just kept asking. The next day he apologized and said nothing changed but that he thought cutting back was better. A few times we worked together he would get upset that I didn’t want more and there would be a few days of silent treatment or telling the other we needed a break. These things are very emotional for me and I often cry and become very anxious. With others I have yelled and thrown a cell phone when I found out they were talking to other women (unsurprisingly) but I don’t feel the need to be that way now.

    • This reply was modified 6 years, 1 month ago by Talia.
    March 15, 2018 at 10:07 am #197431
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Talia:

    You wrote about this man: “He is 10 years older with teenage children which makes me think he’s a loving and caring person. He has been with his wife since they were 20… He supports his whole family… He has a cute house that they have been working on together for years”

    You wrote about your father: “My dad was the silent type who was usually very nice except for the maybe one or two times a month he would lash out and yell  or spank us. My mom was more the type to either yelling or making constant negative comments”.

    The following is a possibility: in your original home, your father was the good parent and your mother was the bad parent. (A child does think in all-or-nothing terms, good and bad). You figured if only you extricated the good parent from his marriage that is making him miserable, he wouldn’t be unhappy anymore and he would be the good, loving parent that you need, no longer lashing out at you once or a couple of times a month.

    And now, you are trying to extricate this man out of his marriage, so that he an be the …loving parent/ man you always needed in your life.

    anita

    March 15, 2018 at 10:42 am #197441
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    March 15, 2018 at 10:42 am #197443
    Talia
    Participant

    That feels very, very true and real to me. Also in the ways I want to keep a distance there is a similarity. For example, I do not want to be overly close to my dad because it makes me feel uncomfortable and like it’s too little too late. He and my mom seem to get along better now that the kids are out of the house but it still seems like an odd, materialistic life of keeping up with the neighbors.

    I wouldn’t be able to be with the married man because I would not be able to fully trust him, would probably still be jealous and i would forever feel like an actual homewrecker. This has really been eye opening since I have not been able to really tell anyone except for a couple friends who think I just had a crush and that’s it.

    March 15, 2018 at 10:49 am #197447
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Talia:

    I hope you can meet a man who is available, free to form a committed publically acknowledged relationship with you, a loving relationship. That, instead of extricating a man from an unhappy marriage.

    It is difficult enough, the first option, that is, finding an available man who is honest and trustworthy and loving. The second option is way more difficult, more unlikely to successfully execute.

    Post again anytime.

    anita

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