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Tari

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  • #339906

    Tari
    Participant

    Hello B,

     

    I just wanted to let you know that I came up with the questions. Andrew did not. He was sent the questions but he never answered them.

     

     

    Once I get a moment I will answer a much thought out response.

    #339850

    Tari
    Participant

    Looking forward to what you have to say

    #339650

    Tari
    Participant

    • What do you value most in life?
    o Faith
    o Health
    o Loved ones

     

    • What are your goals in life?
    o Short term, I would like to complete my masters in 2020. Get myself to start driving when I get my own car. My dad spoiled me and he has no issues taking me where I need to go but I really need to get out of that habit. I will always prefer being taken places, it makes me feel safe, but I need to be a big girl.
    o Long-term – secure financially, pay off any debts… I do have college loans, but I know I will be able to pay if off in the next couple years. (It’s my responsibility and no one else’s burden)
    o Perform Umrah or Hajj.
    o I truly hope when I get married and have a family that I am a good loving wife and a great mommy. Like I understand that this isn’t everyone’s goal per se but I do hope I am that for my future spouse and children because I grew up in toxicity and the one thing that got me through is believing that better days are yet to come. I want to love my family the way I wish I was loved.
    o Career-wise… this will change a lot over the years depending on where I am in life… I have no desire to work consistently because I will be in and out of the workforce. If I have a family of my own, I would like to be a caretaker for the little ones as well. I don’t want to send them to babysitters or get a nanny. Once they are old enough and are in school I would like to work, it keeps me preoccupied outside of the home. Maybe even part-time and if I can handle it then full-time. I’ve been working since I was a teen, so I’m used to always paying for things on my own and not relying on anyone.

     

    • What is your biggest fear?
    o If I lose my faith, I would be so lost
    o I have many fears; I care for other people’s well-being. So, if a loved one is injured severely or terminally ill. (its hard to explain in writing)
    o Losing my job or not being able to work for whatever reason.
    o Losing someone who takes their own life and I did nothing to help them.
    o I just don’t want to become a bitter, mean and cold-hearted person. I try my best to wear my heart on my sleeve and I do not want to be anything but that. I won’t be able to make everyone happy, but I refuse to be mean to others just for shits and giggles. Even being vengeful is out of character.

    • What are your pet peeves?
    o Where do I begin LOL?I know there are a lot but I’m sure you’ll agree with most!! But believe me, you’ll see that I do things too that are annoying… You’ll see the quirks one day
    o I dislike when people chew with their mouth open. Or speak loud, to get attention is SO unnecessary and annoying. Attention seekers!!
    o Tardiness, like chronic tardiness and making up excuses.
    o Smoking around non-smokers, it’s more of a health concern my airways get constricted:/
    o Poor hygiene
    o Rudeness, people who blame others for their problems
    o Invasion of personal space, I feel very strongly about not going through other people’s belongings including phones. I would never go through your phone. My sister and friend have given me their passcodes, but I REFUSE to lurk!! It feels weird and I would like the same. There should be a level of trust. If my sister or someone asks me to get something for them or take a photo using their phone I will but other than that I dislike invading other people’s belongings. It has happened to me so much and that’s why I HATE it. I would never want to do it to others.
    o Being falsely accused of shit… I literally can’t stand it. It will make me cry so quick because its irritating
    o Lack of respect for another person’s opinion and continuing to argue over something that was already proven wrong.
    o I dislike being lied to or people holding back information and keeping secrets because they know I wouldn’t like the answer. Telling the “truth” but not all of it.
    o I don’t like being forced into things or controlled. I feel like I’m suffocating. Esp, when I think its is wrong (goes against my morals).
    o I can only describe this in a scenario but I don’t like finding out info from others when I could have gotten it from my source. Let’s say I go to the source and I was lied to or not given a clear answer. It irritates me way more when someone else has to give me the info.
    o Nosey people, or folks that start rumors about me just because they are bored. Stick to facts point blank! I speak my mind, so when I know someone is doing something to me and I don’t like it, believe me they will be well-aware that I don’t like it. However, I do sometimes choose to remain silent because some people are not worth my time and I’m better off talking to a wall. I would rather stay silent and let the truth come out on its own. The people around can formulate their own ideas… (this is confusing but it annoys me but this is how a lot of people are.. life!!)
    o Clutter …I do not like it when things are not organized. I can’t function if its messy around me. I have no issues cleaning it up.
    o I hate when clothes is on the floor, bed isn’t made, I never leave my house without making my bed.. things like that. I don’t mind cleaning up after myself and others but I just can’t stand clutter.
    o I plan EVERYTHING and if I am not aware of things it annoys me. Ofc, I would change my plans to accommodate but I would like to be informed ahead of time. I know some things do come up and they are spur of the moment and that’s fine but I just don’t like it happening constantly.
    o Laziness, I understand we all want time to relax but just not doing anything for months on end bothers me. I am goal oriented no matter what it is and when I don’t have that from someone else it gets boring.
    • What was the biggest obstacle you faced in life and how has it affected you?
    o Abuse. Physical, emotional, verbal. I accepted it and I believed these things were true. Going to a counselor and talking to her every week gave me a sense of having a ‘mother figure’ in my life and helped me rebuild myself. Fortunately, in my case I had the courage to stand up for what I thought was right. It took me years but I am so happy I didn’t lose myself. I went against the grain and wanted a better life for myself. My faith gave me hope. I knew if I never let go of my belief in Allah I would not go astray and that’s what kept me grounded.

     

    • What is the one thing you cannot stand in life?
    o Mean people whether they are insecure or just plain miserable with themselves. I can’t stand when people are just assholes just because they are not okay with themselves.
    o Being controlled like I’m some kind of object and I do not have an opinion of my own.
    o Any type of injustice, taking someone’s own free will
    o I can’t stand it when people are horrible to the innocent
    o FAKE people that are soooooo ingenuine. I have zero tolerance. I distance myself to avoid conflict.
    o People who project their own insecurities onto me. It mostly happens amongst women and their body issues. I’m always being told I look anorexic, its sooooo rude. I can’t change my body frame I was always petite. I hate being asked if I’m dieting….I am careful of what I eat but I don’t diet to keep my weight down.

     

    • What are the most important values to you?
    o Honesty
    o Forgiveness
    o Loyalty
    o Patience.. I could write more but I would say the most general values people should live by. As basic as they are the little things are what matter to me.

     

    • How do you make your decisions?
    o I like being in my own headspace initially because I like to think things through. I want to be rational and think critically before making decisions.
    o If it’s a decision that I must make for myself and others I do want everyone’s opinion. I do not want to be selfish.
    o I like to have plans and if one thing fails its okay I will rest my trust onto Allah and usually things work out for the better.
    o I’ll ask for advice if I know the person can help me other than that if I know the person has a big mouth, I’d rather keep things to myself.

     

    • Do you intend to grow in deen (religion) with me?
    o Yes, in life we will be thrown so many adversities and through the ups and downs I hope to always strengthen my deen but not alone. Together! It makes a couple stronger than ever because no one can come in between.

     

    • Are you willing to grow with me, help me, teach me, and learn from me?
    o Yes!! I’m only 24. I am going to make so many mistakes and I have a lot to learn about life and even about myself. When sharing a life together it will come with its challenges, but I am a hard worker and I don’t like to give up.
    o I will always do my best to make life simpler and be someone that will always make you feel better. Pretty much bring out the best in you. I will never claim that I know it all.. because I really don’t know it all

     

    • How do you express anger?
    o I don’t lash out but I will explain my view point, calmly. I become quiet when I am upset. I don’t want to say something hurtful when I am upset. I would rather talk through the issue than scream & yell about why I don’t agree. After I am done explaining myself, if an individual is becoming aggressive and just emotional I would rather remove myself and both of us have some time to cool down.
    o I do need space just because I don’t like speaking out of anger so I would rather be quiet. It’s not anyone’s fault but mine, I just need to think about everything and try understanding the persons perspective. I try to be as accommodating and aware of other people’s feelings and what they want. I just don’t like being taken advantage of or pushed around.
    o I hate when people get into my face or try hurting me physically. However, when the other person is just trying to get on my nerves just because they want to take their anger out on me. I usually just get away. Other than that, I’m never that angry unless it’s something I feel strongly about.
    o Just like anyone else, I am human and I have a tipping point so if I’m constantly being picked on I will have sabr but believe me there will be a point where I get tired of petty fights. I dealt with that a lot with my mom’s son. My father, on the other hand is just like me when we are both upset we’d rather be quiet because there is no point in raising our voices.
    o Even though I am quiet when I am upset, sometimes I am quiet just because … I could be perfectly fine and I’d be quiet.. in other words you’re screwed LOL Nah, but really I am quiet overall and I like listening to other people. I learn more.
    o I do bottle things up and at first it won’t bother me and then one day I just go off.

    • Do you have the generosity of spirit to give and receive?
    o My absolute favorite thing about life is being able to give to others. My “love language” is to share and give things to people.
    o I want to make others happy, it makes me happy. Even spending time with loved ones is important to me.
    o I genuinely care for others and I have that soft mushy place in my heart… and it’s the best part about me.
    o From cooking for someone, deep convos, buying something for someone that they really want, being a good friend.. like anything that I can do to give to others I will.
    o As far as receiving, the little things are what matters. I am not materialistic. There is nothing I own that would hurt me if I lost it. I have never purchased something and thought “this will make me happy”. All I want to receive from someone is gratitude and just saying thank you and making my life a bit more simple I recognize that. It will never go unnoticed. There isn’t a handbag, shoes or anything I desire in that manner. It’s the kind gestures and quality time. Life is difficult so just being there for me through ups and downs means the world to me.

     

    • If I had to ask your friends to describe you in one word, what would that be?
    o I actually did ask my friends and if I were to think of one on my own it would be caring. But here’s what my friends had to say… calm, courageous, ambitious, unbothered by people’s BS, friendly (easy to get along with), good listener, resilient, kind hearted, proper & neat… classy. (I cheated and I did ask my friends but it was cool, I wish I could see myself through someone else’s viewpoint)

     

    • Where do you see yourself in 10 years? Any goals you’d like to accomplish?
    o So I would be 34. At this point I’d be married and have a family I hope so its difficult to say. I hope I traveled a lot. I enjoy adventures.
    o This is a difficult question, I’m sorry I can’t think of anything and don’t want to give a crappy answer.
    o As long as I am content, have peace in my heart and happy that’s all that matters.

     

    • What do you like most about yourself?
    o I love how forgiving I am to others and even if someone had a past transgression I will always see the best in that person. I want to believe that it was all in the past and I should not worry because we all change and grow overtime.
    o I am emotionally intelligent. I will think about others feelings and even if I am not happy I will make sure to cater to others.
    o Creative and like working on projects, energetic. I enjoy making deep connections with people for me its all about quality and not quantity.
    o I love to learn, always curious about different things
    o I like when I am able to comfort others and they can be vulnerable around me. I feel like the world forgets that men feel the same emotions women do and its unfair. I try my best (even though I do speak my mind) to understand and not judge harshly.
    o My little sisters know this very well.. because when I help them through things they always say “ okay, mom!” I do spoil people I love. I pay attention to what others like and keep note of it.
    o I am that one person that will be friends with someone who doesn’t have friends… I know one of my friends gets so upset with me and tells me I’m not Mother Teresa and I need to stop trying to fix everything for others. But I do love helping others and this world can be so cruel and I never mind sharing my love and affection.
    o I speak my mind. I never have a reason to be fake.
    o I inspire others to work hard and mentor those that need it. I love watching others do good and even if that means they do better than me. It makes me so proud.
    o I don’t have a jealous, cold heart… I seem unbothered by those that have hurt me and still try to. I’m positive and will never forget all the blessings I have.
    o I like my style and how I never let go of myself. If I look good, I feel good.
    o How calm I can be, patient
    o I am quirky you’ll see with time…oohh and my dimples:)

     

    • What do you not like about yourself? Insecurities?
    o I worry!!! I worry a lot about other peoples safety. For example, if someone says they are on the road or on their way to their destination I get concerned and I really hope they get to where they need to be, safe and sound. This isn’t always good because when I get worried I become anxious. Then my thoughts are all scattered. I also worry about if I hurt someone’s feelings. I overthink and so I don’t like being around anyone who is not genuine with me.
    o I overanalyze things, if someone says something I will think about it and wonder what they really meant and if they meant this.. or that or maybe it was something else. I get lost in my thoughts. That’s why I prefer to be busy. At the same time I enjoy being alone. I don’t mind it.
    o I thoroughly dislike when people get to me and I have to bite my tongue and not say some smartass answer. Or I worry about what others think of me. Some days I am better than others, however women do sometimes get under my skin… I get made fun of for being skinny(having no curves*eyeroll*), talking too much, being ‘annoying’, and the weirdest complaint I have heard that kinda made me subconscious was my voice. (Unfortunately, these were all things people pointed out about me and then I guess I thought about it too much)… Overall I do accept myself these are just things that I picked up over the years and they do get to me depending on my mood.
    o My height is 5’1 I used to be insecure about it when I was a teen but I actually really like that I am as small as I am. I feel like a lady and not a ‘she-man’ LOL
    o Forgiving. I know this may sound odd but sometimes I don’t realize I am being taken advantage of… and since I am a people pleaser (middle child problems) I tend to want to make excuses and see the best in others.. even if it means they walk all over me until I can’t take it anymore.
    • What is the role of religion in your life?
    o It is extremely important to me. I carry a prayer rug with me in my backpack so when it is time I would rather pray on time. If I can’t for whatever reason, I will make it up at the earliest time. My religion is the only thing in this world I have and I know that no one in this world will love me as much as Allah does. I saw that many times in life.

    • Do you wake up to pray Fajr on time?

    o Absolutely!

    • Do you recite Quran or listen? How often?
    o Yes, I was way better before but I do recite Quran(after maghrib.. when im home) or listen to it on YT(when I’m getting ready in the morning).
    • What is the role of the Deen in your life? What priority does it take?
    o It is an important part of my life. My life revolves around my faith and its keeps me grounded and I know not to indulge in the dunya it would corrupt my heart.
    o However, everything in moderation is key. I don’t want to be extreme in my thinking and aggressive. I’m human, sinner but I refuse to let go of my belief in the Almighty. I was born here so I understand the challenges the youth face. We all make mistakes.
    • How will you aid me in my spiritual journey and my entire well-being?
    o It would be practical things. Reminding one to pray one time or together. Listening to lectures together. I don’t always watch them but I do listen to Quran recitations. It truly helps me get my day started.
    o As far as entire well-being. Whatever issues a loved one has they are my issues as well. They will never feel alone or pushed aside. The opinion of a loved one matters so I wouldn’t ignore it. As long as, its ethical and for the greater good.
    • Who are the sheikhs/scholars you most often listen to? What are the sources you rely on for Islamic knowledge … etc.?
    o I used to read a lot of books and I still do time to time. Watching videos with Mufti Menk are always nice.
    • What is your understanding of matters like lowering the gaze, jealousy … etc.?
    o I get so so so so so so annoyed if I’m with a significant other hypothetically and he’s checking out other women right in front of me. I may never even bring it up because I have to tell myself they were just “looking” but its boils my blood!!! There are some women that are okay with it but that’s because they do it themselves. For me, loyalty is everything. I would hope my husband would not like that I look at other men like that or flirt with other men behind his back. That’s a form of cheating in my eyes
    o Being in the workplace many married men who are a part of the faith don’t understand that or rationalize what they are doing. That’s a no no to me. I ignore guys that do that to me. I feel so uncomfortable when guys hit on me, make cat calls or just are gross… I feel icky. It doesn’t make me feel validated at all. I just want to hide.
    • Do you have physical or mental health illness? Allergies?
    o I’m allergic to avocados, bananas, dust… a lot of environmental and seasonal allergies. Smoke from hooka, cigarettes, vapes bother me. (Intolerant)
    • Define mental, verbal and emotional abuse.
    o I have felt it all and defining them individually is difficult but it made me constantly apologize because I used to live in fear and I felt like I was walking on egg shells. At times I would not share how I felt because I did not want to upset anyone… I need reassurance and even my friends have to ask me the same questions a gazillion times on what I want to do because I was so used to being controlled. It was like being brainwashed.
    o That’s why I don’t want to talk to my mom’s son. If I go back I would feel so defeated. Not now. I don’t want them to feel as if what they did to me was justified. All you have to do is ask yourself… would you walk into a burning forest?
    o He would tell me that even if I have faith and I pray whether day or night Allah won’t accept my prayers and I’m not a Muslim. ( mental and emotional)
    o Verbal… he would degrade me in so many ways and if he couldn’t find anything else he had no problem calling me a bitch.
    o Emotional.. he told me that one day I will open up to a guy and because I’m “insecure” I would fall for a trashy guy. He disliked that I would say things like “ I never want to get married” he thought I came up with that by seeing how men treat women outside the home but he never realized it was because of him. I feared marriage because you really don’t know someone unless you see them behind closed doors. I was so cautious not to fall for that… him being an asshole saved me. I just learned to not be co-dependent.
    o Constant criticism, intimidation, talking down to me, jealousy, just being spiteful. Lying and playing victim.
    • Are you willing to seek marital counseling if you felt we need it?
    o Yes, over time the way we think and our viewpoints do change. I would rather go to a counselor than get family involved in marriage issues. That’s always detrimental. As absurd as it sounds but amongst women, its entertainment when other women complain about their spouse I’d rather keep it private. Unless its an outside person that I can confide to but getting my mother involved or any of my siblings is a big no no! I hope you feel the same.
    • Anything you are addicted to… drugs alcohol, pills? No
    • Self-care, is it a priority? Going for an annual check-up, visiting the dentist.
    o Yes, having an active lifestyle is important. I want to always be given the option to go to the gym and workout.
    o I have a long family history of diabetes, heart attacks and strokes. Some things are inevitable but I refuse to let go of myself and just sit around gain weight and feel miserable. I sleep better too and I can have some “me-time” when I work out and not worry about things.
    o It helps me stay positive and in a good mood. I also like to eat on-time skipping breakfast isn’t something I do often.
    o I take multi-vitamins and fish oil supplements; it helps me a ton.
    o I do take care of myself, I do not get sick often but I go for annual check -ups and dentist every 6 months. You gotta love yourself in order to love others.

    #339648

    Tari
    Participant

    Brandy,

    Can you please explain what you mean when you described that Andre may have noticed things in my personality that he may not have liked?

     

    Is it my attitude? Was I mean?

    I forgot to mention… Andrew asked if we can do premarital questions. The day I sent mine to him … Was the night I found out everything about my brothers affair. He never sent his.

     

     

    Do you mind looking at it? It’s a quick read answering questions that are important before marriage? I remember he asked me what my flaws were and we talked about different things.

    #339578

    Tari
    Participant

    I feel likenow if I were to see Andrew or even meet another guy telling the story about my abuse would be in the back of my mind. At the time it was right in my face and it was a serious issue. Sometimes I kick myself like dang I wish I got to know him now. The storm has passed and I have much more to offer. I shared the pain that I was going through back then but now I’m seeing better days.

     

    B, you see why I feel this way? I understand what’s meant to happen will happen. However I just can’t help but wonder if I ever cross his mind. Because despite my family issues I was still considered a good prospect.

    #339576

    Tari
    Participant

    B,

    I forgot to answer a few questions:

     

    The black eye, how family reacted to him striking me…Andrew observing a family Dynamic that didn’t make sense..?

     

    Andrew did state that my story didn’t add up and there are two sides to every story.. he asked my cousin all this not me… He also stated ” so her brother hits her and so she leaves? ”

     

    I did tell Andrew it was years, YEARS of abuse and he said he doesn’t believe in hitting woman and recommended that I take boxing classes and before he even knew I ever had a black eye he said try giving him a black eye. That’s when I said it’s funny you said that because that’s what my brother did to me. . Andrew said I can’t believe he did that what a wuss.

    My family knew what was happening was wrong but their reputation in the community is important. My parents and my other siblings love having a facade. And their one and only son is an angel to them.

     

     

    He would constantly pick on me, accuse me of suffering from anxiety and depression. Fast forward, came out he was the one suffering from anxiety and depression. My brother would also get my mom to hit me… My dad did nothing but took their side. My sisters told lies. My couselor pretty much told me I live on a toxic environment and my siblings hold a lot of jealousy against me. I even had a sister who is four years younger than me abuse me. I never hit them back … The sister I’m referring to would constantly make fun of me and say oh you think you’re so pretty… And would I would say no she would go crazy and say it was a joke and then grabbed a knife on me… She still verbally abuses me. We no longer speak but she’s petty ….my brother on the other hand was supposed to move out after his marriage in 2018. However, he lived in our house and his wife in an apartment in another city. Seven months after their marriage a mutual friend of his found him and his mistress on an out of state trip. I was assaulted in 2017 mind you so I was being patient. Long story short my brother was cheating on his wife… You know what that meant he’s never leaving the home. I lived under the same roof as my abuser. My parents still took his side my mom even said I deserved what Happened to me.

     

    When I spoke to my parents about what their son did and how they always project the issues onto me when it’s really THEIR son. My parents made fun of me. ” Ok go ahead be happy”

     

     

    And that’s when I checked out… Unfortunately it all happened while getting to know Andrew.. I lived alone in an apartment for two months because I just needed a break. I got a PPO on the brother and then I didn’t press charges but I made him get a lawyer to have it removed. My hospital charges racked up to $5k which my older sister helped pay but they lied and told me my brother paid for them. He also tried damaging my phone… I had the whole assault recorded which I shared with police and photos.

     

     

    My sister that is four years younger than me really knows how to stir the pot… After the assault she kept showing she supported me but also went back to my parents to tell them the things that I was sharing with her. She later told only months after the assault that she was glad I was abused and I hope it happens again.

     

    She would be nice to me to get money to pay for tuition or shopping but when she didn’t needs anything she would disregard me. I ended up speaking to the ex wife and telling her about what happened to me. She had no idea she married a monster my family didn’t like that I shared that and even though the same sister was also abused by the brother she took his side and lied and said it was the first and last time he ever hit me and that I started the argument .. and I’m evil.

     

     

    It was so odd because before my sister knew that she told the ex wife all the lies … She was being nice and showing she wants to reconcile things but once I told her I know everything you said to the ex wife and they were all lies she was too ashamed to ever talk to me because she knew that now I know she’s toxic …even my friends who have met my sister said she’s extremely jealous of me.

     

     

    Andrew never knew all do this

     

    #339564

    Tari
    Participant

    B,

    That’s where I feel conflicted. I know what he did to me was wrong. I know I could do better. It’s so scary to put myself out there again. I was in a vulnerable state and I never should have had those expectations.

     

    On the other hand, if he does come back around. I wouldn’t even know what to do or say. However, I’ll remember how he left before and would wonder if he’d do it again.

     

     

    I didn’t pressure him to marry me. I was just going through a lot. He even told my cousin ” she has too much going on….”

     

    #339516

    Tari
    Participant

    No he didn’t say I could do better than her … I meant he was implying that when he said ” not her but help me find a good girl”

    #339510

    Tari
    Participant

    and i sometimes just wonder if andrew thinks about me the same way like “wow i think i may have lost a good thing”

    #339508

    Tari
    Participant

    <div dir=”auto”>thank you both for taking the time and responding   I believe what both if you are saying but there was once an instance back when I was in college a guy was interested in me and eventually told me he’s not and we aren’t compatible. I never talked to him again… he too was aware I was living in a toxic home. however it was astonishing how after two years he sent me the message below. … btw I never responded … he eventually went to his native country and married a girl he barely knew …    *** I feel like with many of these guys they don’t know what they until it’s gone***   *******</div>
    <div dir=”auto”></div>
    <div dir=”auto”></div>
    <div dir=”auto”></div>
    <div dir=”auto”>this is what shah said :  hope you’re doing well,    You probably hate me by now. I want to apologize for what happened. I cannot move on knowing that we shared a bit of history together, and I don’t really want that with anyone else but you.    I would like to talk to you about some things, and i wanna know if we can just start this fresh again and serious. I’m willing to tell my mom about you. If you hate me, I understand. I won’t bother you.    I was being a douchbag and I acknowledge it. I accept my mistake. But I’m ready to leave all that behind and move on. I hope to hear from you.    -Shah</div>

    #339494

    Tari
    Participant

    Also, I get that  knowing someone in 3 weeks is too  much too soon. However,  my ex and I were together and he left two months after I was assaulted  at this point we were together  for 8 months… he left because his sister in law did not like us being together  and she contributed to our relat ultimately  ending even my ex’s mom doesn’t not like the sister in law because  she controls him. When push came to shove he left me abandoned…. my ex was very outspoken  about marrying me since he was a teen. It’s like every time others need support  I’m there and the guys I’ve met talk about how understanding  they are but once push comes to shove … poof gone. My ex was not a saint but I cared for him deeply. He had an addictive personality kinda like Andrew but not as successful.  he dropped out of community  college, has a lawsuit against him for traffic violations…. saw his own mother being abused and defended her but still what he did was a cop out… I even would help him with school work and he was on the dean’s list… with that guy my ex I’m happy it didn’t work out… and I waited about 1.5 years to muster the confidence  to try and find someone again… and when I ‘shoot my shot’with Andrew it was incredible  because  I felt like we had a connection.

     

     

     

     

    #339492

    Tari
    Participant

    Brandy,

     

    Thank you for your response.

     

    I feel like he’s confused and lost to be honest.

    I agree that finding ” the one ” is difficult. Even his mother wants him to go overseas to his motherland and marry a girl from there and he refuses.

     

    Andrew asked my cousin to help him find a good girl, I wanna make it happen this year. My cousin responded by saying she’s a good girl just in a bad situation. Andrew then said no not her. My cousin explained you realize finding a good girl is rare!? And Andrew felt confident he can do better.

     

     

    So the year of 2019 and even now is spent looking and looking ….. And everywhere he’s going and seeking for the wife he’s looking for … He never came back and said ” I think I found someone… ”

     

     

     

    #339478

    Tari
    Participant

    Valora,

    I’m sorry you also had to deal with abandonment. I do see a counselor. After explaining everything to her about him. She said Andrew leaving had nothing to do with me. It had everything to with HIM.

     

    In the future, I can pull away from sharing the domestic violence story.

     

     

    Guess what… Anita, Brandy and Valora.

     

     

    The brother no longer lives with us. He works out of state. My sister who was also horrendous got married about 4 months ago.

     

     

    I meet my couselor once a month. My days begin at 5:45am for work and leave work at 4pm. I workout and take care of my health.

     

     

    I know of a friend who was engaged to a woman and he ended up realizing she was only with him for money. He broke off the marriage. The woman he was going to marry hid a lot of secrets until after he proposed and I didn’t want to be like this and just be so secretive.

     

     

    @brandy… I know 3 weeks sounds really short but if you saw for yourself the depth that he spoke to me, you would understand. It was like I became a part of his life. Asking me questions on how I would like my dream home to look and how he’s planning on getting a custom made home made .. where I want to travel… How many children I want …. Asking me to always keep him on his toes and he enjoyed he conversations … He even went ahead and started hinting to my cousin ” I think I found someone to marry” while blushing and laughing…

     

     

    Since then, him as well as his family are looking for a woman for him and not once did he ever stop again and say ” I think I found someone”

     

     

    I knew I was an outlier. He felt something

    #339476

    Tari
    Participant

    Brandy and Anita

     

    I agree with your points and thank you for the feedback. However, my cousin did explain that my brother made disrespectful comments towards Andrews mom years ago. He knew my brother was not the kindest person and at times was arrogant.

     

     

    Also, I don’t understand how a 31 year old man who was so determined to get married in 2019 never found anyone. He was hoping to get married using arranged marriage.

     

     

    He totally had every right to avoid an abusive family. He shared that his father had anxiety. Was never good to his mother and his parents never had more children because of how torn his family was… Even I was hesitant when he told me these things. However, I thought to myself who am I to judge? Who doesn’t come from. Some type of family issue?

     

    He told me he was a critical thinker and empathetic.

     

     

    All Andrew told me after I asked him if I did anything wrong was .. ” no you did nothing wrong… Poor timing, sorry”

     

     

    I could have easily lied to him when he asked me about my relationship with my brother. However I saw he was being honest when he shared with me that his father is selfish, never had to work hard and had a silver spoon up his butt.

     

     

    Also, about me messing things up. I feel like I opened up to him about my abuse even if it was just tip of the iceberg because this was all happening in real time. I was not able to get myself to lie.

    #339444

    Tari
    Participant

    Felix,

    Thank you for sharing. I am 25, working on my masters and have a career, financials are all straight and I am an independent woman.. and guess what?! I’m having trouble finding a guy. I even wrote a thread about it. The reason why I am mentioning this to you is because everyone is going through it.

    I want you to list all the qualities you look for in a potential ‘dream girl’. The reason why I ask is that it sounds like you are only looking for girls that you are physically attracted to. Hate to break it to you but looks fade. Also, do you only want a girl with you because you ‘have money’?

     

    In my opinion, you have not met the right girl because you are looking in all the wrong places. Even woman who are attractive can have really bad personalities.

     

    I believe there is a woman out there for you but you are not ready for her, partially because you have not matured. The woman you spoke to on IG is the modern way to ‘shoot your shot’ so I get that. Perhaps you flexed too much and the girls thought you were arrogant and cocky. I hope you realize many woman have their financials straight too. Many  woman do not have to rely an a guy, so you have to bring more to the table.

     

    I have introverted friends as well and I do not hold them accountable to help me find a guy. You shouldn’t either because even if they did find a girl attractive they would snatch her up themselves.

     

    Loving yourself is important. Focusing on yourself is important. I hear it all the time. When its meant to be the right person will come along.. even I am waiting patiently. I have gotten my heart broken and been abandoned twice. You learn and get better.

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