The thank you was in regard to your last post 😊!

Hi Anita,

I can see that all clearly now, this was really helpful! I know that I am very sensitive to the prospect of rejection – I guess that’s how anxiety works, you just want the answer. I get impatient to know if someone is going to work for me or not, but it’s obviously not that black and white.

I do struggle with what the “appropriate” response is as you say. I feel like I can’t trust myself to know what behaviors will lead me to a healthier place, or will be digestible by the person on the receiving end. It could be that you’re right in this case I should have just ignored him – problem was he was still contacting me, and I don’t feel comfortable ghosting people but it also felt fake to just chat with him like nothing was wrong. I guess this comes back to boundary-setting – do you suggest just asking people to stop contacting you when you start seeing evidence that are “a little bit interested, but not that much”?

This brings things back to the original title of my post which is how to know if it’s my own insecurity with normal fluctuations in interest, and it scares me that I’m pushing away good people who really are interested. But based on your insight, it probably doesn’t matter since healing myself is the first priority, and I can always reconnect with people if I decide later I made the wrong decision.

Your insight about my relationship with my mom is super eye opening and makes more and more sense the more I talk through this.

Helcat,

Thank you so much for your advice to just match the other person’s level of interest and effort, that feels like a really simple thing to try. I am also going to try writing the list of what I like and don’t like based on past relationships. And you make a lot of good points about how different men and women often show up in relationships and their comfort level with certain things.

Thank you both so so much, this was beyond insightful and helpful for me. ❤️

Anita,
<p style=”text-align: left;”>I think you are right because when I read your words I feel really emotional in a way of feeling understood. I wish I could remember more from my childhood to validate this but I guess hard evidence isn’t really necessary to know what is true.</p>
To answer your question, yes I do think that accurately describes the pattern! I am always thinking about how I can make the men I date comfortable and happy enough to eventually support my needs. This is also I think why I used to stay in relationships too long, waiting.  Now I’ve gotten better at recognizing what doesn’t serve me and moving past these relationships. In fact the one guy I felt this pattern with a few years ago, I ended things amicably after about 3 months and he is now one of my absolute dearest friends. Once the expectation of a romantic relationship is gone, I can appreciate people for the things they offer outside of emotional support. It’s scary to imagine never having a healthy romantic relationship but is also something I can probably find peace with, worst case 🙂

Last question – when you recognized the source of your pattern, what work did you do to make peace with it?

THANK YOU <3

Anita – wow thank you so much for your thoughtful response, you are amazing!

I came to the same conclusion – all I can do is keep working at it and know that the work is never really finished.

But you make a good point about the childhood stuff – I do still feel very at a loss about the source. I really appreciate you sharing your personal experience and it sounds really difficult, I’m sorry to hear that you went through that. On the surface my relationship with my mom looks quite different but the more I think about it the more I wonder if there are underlying similarities. My mom is a very anxious person and I’d describe her as codependent (for lack of a better term, I don’t want to paint her in a negative way). She has described her relationship with my dad as him “saving” her. She sought approval from her abusive father despite him rejecting her over and over, literally until the day he died. Often I think this must be part of where my issues come from, but I can’t recall any specific emotional trauma directly in my relationship with either of my parents. I have had this pattern in romantic relationships since high school – my first boyfriend cheated on me after 3 years together, my second boyfriend was a verbally abusive situationship in college, and my third boyfriend was a 6 year relationship where we lived together and he blindsided me with a breakup after his parents’ divorce. These experiences were quite traumatic for me but I have read that usually these unhealthy patterns start with childhood, not with adult relationships. I guess maybe I’m still blocked in figuring this out and I don’t really know the steps to get there.