Dear Dafne,

I’m in the middle of traveling right now and don’t have time to reply, but I’d just mention one thing:

I knew about his health problems, but only recently found out that the doctors suspected that he had cancer. He told me that all is under control, but he is afraid that he may end up like his father (apparently, that’s how he lost him). So I suspect that he just wants an easy and enjoyable life right now without working too much. And me pushing him to find a stable job is, you know, inconvenient for him. He also felt too old to start a new work or change qualifications.

Do you remember Anita when we discussed the potential proposal in February? So now, when we met at the event, he told me a bit more about his intentions. He stated that he expected to buy me a simple jewelry or a simple engagement ring, and after that expected me to move in together and maybe have a baby! He did not tell me this before. For him engagement ring did not mean setting the wedding date. So I guess this time, he got tired of pretending and told me more than he eventually planned.

How does one combine fearing for one’s health and trying to work as little as possible, with having a baby, which in itself is very demanding and needs a lot of resources? This in itself is a huge contradiction!

Not to mention that he talks about having a baby very casually: “we’ll just move in together and maybe have a baby.” But who will take care of that baby? Who will ensure that the baby has everything it needs? And what about the baby’s mother – why doesn’t he want to marry her?

It’s almost as if he’s talking about having a baby as a means to an end. Perhaps to trap you? I don’t know, not quite sure about that, but things are definitely upside down in his head. Very worrying.

I’m glad you’ve decided to call it quits.

Dear Dafne, I’ll write more when I get the chance, but that might be only in a few days.

Till then, take care! <3

Dear Dafne,

thank you for explaining your current circumstances a bit more. I’m so sorry about the mean neighbor of yours. How come the authorities can’t do anything about it? Because if she is causing damage to animals and property, there has to be a way to sanction her, specially since she has a history of harassing neighbors. Unless the police is corrupt there, or something like that?

I’ve been thinking about your situation, and went back to read some of your correspondence with Anita earlier this year. What stood out is that with Anita’s help, you’ve come to the conclusion that this man isn’t really good for you, that he might have some ulterior motives and might even be expecting you to invest your own money into a house he would buy, since he has no money, works only occasionally for a friend of his, and lives in a tiny apartment.

He was manipulative, e.g. he was telling you to choose a restaurant you’d like, and then he’d say he cannot take you there (I guess because it’s expensive?). Also, he was sending you real estate ads and would ask you which house you’d like, only to later say that he cannot afford it and has no money for mortgage.

So it seems he saw you primarily as someone to help him solve his financial troubles – as a sponsor of sorts. I think that was his main goal, not love and a true, loving relationship.

And he was using the story about his “projects” as a bait, to convince you that some day he’ll be rich and will be able to take care of you and your potential children (since he knew that’s what you want from a man). So he presented himself as a “businessman”, when in reality, that was all a scam to lure you into getting attached to him and giving him money.

When you were discussing this with Anita, in February this year, this became obvious to you, or at least rationally you understood that he is a scammer. But emotionally, you couldn’t let him go. He could easily manipulate you by telling you that he’s sick, and you felt sorry for him. You didn’t want to break up with him while he was feeling “unwell” and didn’t want hurt his feelings (which he was regularly accusing you of). This is what you said back then:

Now I feel guilty that I offend him, hurt his feelings and leave him in the difficult time. He told me about his health issues. I feel sorry for him…

So he was guilt-tripping you regularly, pitying himself, telling you fake stories about his non-existing projects. And when you tried to get clarification, he would accuse you of not being supportive, not having faith in him etc. So it was a whole package of lies and manipulation – a spider web as you and Anita called it – which you got caught into, because he made you feel guilty.

In fact, I think there are more reasons why you couldn’t let go of him. You talked about them in February this year:

I grew up in household where I could not speak up my mind without being punished one way or the other. Every day I had a deep fear of consequences and being rejected by the only people I care about.

Now I feel guilty that I offend him, hurt his feelings and leave him in the difficult time. He told me about his health issues. I feel sorry for him…

And I am afraid that I won’t get another chance to find another friend and somehow also escape my reality at home. I live in a remote place and
my options are limited.

So, I think the reasons you couldn’t let him go were: 1) feeling guilty about hurting him (and being labeled as a bad person, I suppose), 2) fearing that you would be rejected if you speak openly about your needs and the things that bother you, 3) hoping that he would be your ticket to escape the abusive environment at home, 4) believing that you cannot leave home except via marriage.

Would you agree that the above is true?

If so, these fears and false beliefs all stem from your childhood and what you were conditioned to believe about yourself. You were taught that you don’t have the right to any needs, that you were selfish for having needs and wants, that you need to sacrifice yourself and serve others, even if it’s at your own expense, that you don’t know what’s good for you and that others (in particular, your mother) know better what’s good for you, etc etc.

In short, you were taught to shrink and deny yourself, so to please people who were basically impossible to please (your parents).

And now, you would need to reprogram that old script. You would need to heal your inner child and learn to love yourself. You’d need to stop feeling guilty for having legitimate needs and not wanting to sacrifice yourself for selfish people (be it your mother, father, or a manipulative, selfish partner).

What I’ve noticed is that if I tell her that I need space and quiet, she keeps talking and telling me about her old age and that I’m going to be alone…and it is really scaring me. And when I shut down, she needs that connection, and I don’t, as I get very overwhelmed and my health issues worsen. How to break that pattern?

She doesn’t let you have your space and time. I think she wants you to be at her disposal 24/7, so she can dump her negativity on you, complain about her difficult life, criticize you for your supposed weaknesses, etc. By doing that, she is keeping you under her psychological control, and is not allowing you to spread your wings. She is holding you down.

I’m afraid she doesn’t want true happiness for you. Instead, she wants you to remain in her control, and she’s using criticism, guilt-tripping and self-pitying to keep it that way.

Dear Dafne, you’d need to break free from that. You’d need to realize that you have the right to your own space, time, needs, wants, your own life. And you don’t need to remain her property for the rest of your life. In order to do that, you’d need to do some healing, e.g. inner child healing, which for me personally gave the best results.

I can tell you more about it, if you’re interested. Have to rush now, but hope to talk to you later.

Lots of love! <3

Dear Alessa,

It is quite the accomplishment for me because when I was in therapy I couldn’t do the chair work imagining talking to my mother. The therapist had to do that part for me. I was too scared to talk to an empty chair whilst thinking of her.

I have turned into a bit of a protective mama bear. It’s nice to see that side of me grow.

I’m so glad you’ve found your strength and the ability to protect yourself from abuse! You’re now being a mama bear both to your son and your own inner child. Which is amazing!

And it’s also great to see that you’re allowing your inner child to play and have fun too, and to make mistakes. Maybe this will help you feel more relaxed in general, because you’ve said that you tend to feel stressed and afraid of making mistakes, specially in child rearing. So perhaps having a part of you that is able to feel care-free and simply enjoy life will help you ease that general tension and a sense of pressure on yourself, that you’ve been feeling so far? Just something that occurred to me…

I’m so sorry you’ve suffered so much in life, Alessa. But you’re now turning those old scars into gold. You’re becoming a more loving and understanding, but also a more resilient and whole person. And you’re helping not only yourself, but others too. Thank you for that! <3

** oops, something went wrong with formatting towards the end

Dear Dafne,

I’m so glad to hear from you again! I’m happy you had a nice time at the retreat. You stayed there for quite a while! And planning to go back for an even longer stay, right?

Let me first comment on the situation with the man: his first reaction was not to express empathy and concern for you, but he accused you or getting lost and wanting anything from him (He told me that I live nearby so I should know where to go.) He didn’t like you asked for his help.

And then, even worse, he refused to wait for you, justifying it with being busy with his projects. Which if I understood well, he has been working on for years now, and nothing even panned out. So I guess one more Saturday afternoon wouldn’t make a difference. That was clearly just an excuse.

And he didn’t ask if you came home safely. Even if you’d had an argument and you said you didn’t want to meet him again, a caring person would still inquire if you arrived home safely, because it wasn’t a completely danger-free situation. But his pride was stronger, I guess, and he just didn’t care anymore.

This all shows his character, Dafne. He’s not a good, caring man, but a self-centered, quick-tempered, immature man, who isn’t able (or willing) to be there for you in challenging situations. He not only checked out, but blamed you for what happened. He expressed no empathy for you.

I suggest you don’t try to apologize or reach out to him, because he is the one who failed you. You didn’t fail him.

It can happen to anyone to make a mistake, such as getting lost on the motorway. But a decent person will have understanding and will try to help, rather than blaming you and turning their back on you. So no, Dafne, he’s not a good man.

The retreat was quite helpful, but I feel the old, fearful patterns are coming back and stealing the peace I felt over there…

I’m sorry that about that 🙁 Are those patterns related to returning to living with your mother? If I understood well, your mother was accompanying you to the meeting with this man (your ex-boyfriend) in a nearby city, right?

I must admit, I wasn’t happy to hear this, even though in this particular case, it was good that she was with you because she was supportive and didn’t panic when you two got lost. But she has been accompanying you to dates with men before, right? Even with this guy too.

I’ve found you talk about it in a post on February 6th this year. You and your mother met with him before, in a restaurant, and she was inquiring about his job and his projects. His answers were all vague, he didn’t want to give any details or deadlines. And then, when she probed a bit more and asked whether he could change careers, he got really upset, accused both of you of having no faith in him, and asked for a pause in the relationship until the project gets finalized.

Your mother was helpful in this particular situation too, because she wasn’t afraid to probe and ask him questions, and basically uncover that he might be a scammer, that his big plans and “projects” might all be just empty talk. So she was helpful in spotting potential cheaters and scammers.

However, her overall role in your life – where she is trying to control you and your life choices, and keeping you close to her via emotional blackmail and guilt-tripping – hasn’t been an overly positive one. You did want to get away from her and her influence.

And so I must admit it saddened me a little when you said that the old patterns of fear and insecurity are creeping in, and to realize that maybe this has to do with your mother still having a central role in your life, and you still relying on her to tell you whether a guy is good for you or not.

Please, dear Dafne, don’t take this as judgment of you. I have nothing but compassion for you. And I want you to thrive and be happy. That’s why I’m mentioning the “big picture” again: finding your True Self first, stepping into your True Self, before attempting to find a romantic partner.

Because if you respect yourself, you’ll attract guys who respect you. But if you have low self-esteem, you’ll be more easily manipulated by men who want to take advantage of you.

And here’s the thing: you don’t need your mother to protect you from manipulative men. What you need is to step into your True Self. Because when we’re in touch with our true self, we’ll have the wisdom to spot dishonest, manipulative men. We won’t fall for their BS.

Finding you true self – independent from your mother – is your ticket to finding good guys. You don’t need her, you need YOU. The real you.

I hope this makes sense, Dafne. I hope you can get more and more in touch with your inner voice, and that this retreat gave you a chance for that. Because you were allowed to just “be”, without the constant chatter, criticism and demands of your mother:

There was no comparison, no criticism, no gossip, no chaos, only simple human beings and Universe.

If you go to a similar retreat again, please use the supportive environment there to get in touch with your inner voice. Feel the love for yourself, hold yourself tenderly. Be gentle with yourself, like you would with a puppy who needs your love and care. Create an inner environment of love and acceptance for yourself. That’s how you can connect to your True Self.

I hope this wasn’t too overwhelming, Dafne. I hope you can get to a place of more confidence in yourself. You are a wonderful, talented woman, and you definitely deserve it!

Dear Eva,

I’m sorry you’re hurting and cannot stop thinking about him, even if rationally you know he wasn’t good for you.

He may have promised to change how he’s treating you, but those were just some cosmetic changes. There was no deeper awareness of why he should behave differently in a relationship, or that he is wrong in any way.

The way he phrased it “I allowed you to invite your friends” says a lot about his mindset: as if he is doing you a big favor and a big concession by treating you as an equal partner, rather than his subordinate, or even his property, or something to that effect.

His attitude and his mindset are very worrying, to be honest, and it’s not something he can change at will. Nor does he want to change it, since he believes there’s nothing wrong with him. So rest assured that he would always fall back on treating you like this – because that’s his “modus operandi”. That’s who he is.

He told you something very deceptive:

And in the end he told me that if I had been understanding, patient, there would have been no one like me, I would have been perfect.

Yeah right. Then why has he been hiding you from the world for 5 years?

This either shows his hypocrisy, or that he sincerely believes that a “perfect” partner is someone who is obedient and fulfills his wishes, while he can treat her like a doormat. Again, a very worrying (and toxic) mindset.

But I understand that even though you’re rationally aware of all of this, emotionally it’s still very hard for you to let him go. When we can’t let go emotionally, even though we know it rationally, it’s usually something to do with our inner child.

The inner child is a part of us that carries our longing to be loved, appreciated, validated, seen as special,etc. We should ideally get all those needs met in our childhood, by our parents or caretakers.

But when this doesn’t happen, those unmet needs are still in us, and they cause us deep longing for those same things (love, appreciation, validation) – but not from our parents, but our romantic partner(s).

Often we get blinded by those longings, and even if we rationally know that the person isn’t good for us, our irrational part (our inner child) cannot let go. This could explain why you’re so attached to him, even if you know he’s not good for you.

This is just a suggestion, of course. It doesn’t mean it’s true for you. But if it rings true, we can talk about it more, if you’re interested.

Dear Lucidity,

thank you for your thoughts, they very much resonate with me.

I find it so much easier to address these things with my children in that hurts can be named for the impact they had, the perpetrators be named, accountability be requested or offered, apologies made, perspectives understood, and then things can return to normal with a possible cool down period for those who need it to emotionally regulate. In these situations everyone is supported and seen for what they contributed to the situation and it is in this shared narrative where validation happens for my children, for me, for my husband. It’s not as easy as this blue print as we grow older altho I do believe that it is still the ideal way to deal with things.

Yes, it seems like a very healthy process, where everyone gets heard and amends are made and apologies offered where necessary. It’s wonderful that you’re practicing this with your husband and children – it will mean so much for your children’s healthy emotional development. Kudos to you, Lucidity!

When other courses of action are taken I find that unexpressed emotions that could not be aired, such as saddness or righteous anger, has a chance to morph into resentment, apathy, or distrust, and there is nothing wrong in that. It’s a natural outcome and one that often serves to protect us from similar situations in the future. I understand that no one owes us these resolutions.

I agree. Even where there is no mutual resolution, we can still resolve things within ourselves. We don’t necessarily need the other person to acknowledge their part of the responsibility. As you said, it’s not an ideal course of events, but nevertheless, we don’t need to remain in resentment, anger or apathy. We can move on.

As for trust, it takes people to communicate and “see” each other and understand each other’s perspective. When that’s missing, trust is difficult to build and the relationship changes. That’s an unfortunate outcome.

Sometimes the outcome is a bitter pill to swallow, is sad, and essentially left unresolved. I’m sorry that this appears to be what is eventuating. It sucks 🙁

Yes, this appears to be a conflict without mutual resolution. When communication is cut on one (or both) sides, resolution isn’t possible, unfortunately.

I wanted to say this because I have been at the brunt of this many times. It hurts and seeing the hurt minimised or sidelined be it thro rationalisation or spiritual by-passing or whatever still hurts.

I hear you, and I feel the same. Sometimes what hurts more is when bad behavior is rationalized and when guilt is “evenly distributed”. As in “we all have wounds and false perceptions, and so in a conflict, we’re all equally guilty. It’s everyone’s fault and no one’s fault. Now let’s continue as if nothing happened”.

That kind of attitude is what hurts me maybe the most. Because it’s not always true that we’re all equally responsible in a conflict. When we’re all lumped together, I think it’s a form of gaslighting. It doesn’t help conflict resolution, but rather leads to deepening of hurt.

Anyway, thank you so much, Lucidity, for sharing your perspective on this. It’s clear that you’ve got a lot of experience in dealing with “unsolvable” conflicts. And that you’ve matured and gained a lot of wisdom from that. You haven’t closed your heart to people, and yet you’re aware when abuse is present. I greatly appreciate your words and your wisdom <3

Dear SereneWolf,

wow, wow, wow, what a nice surprise! 🙂 I’m really happy to hear from you!

Sorry to hear you lost your job though 🙁 I know you were really happy about it and proud of yourself. And you did deserve it! But it seems the IT sector is nowadays hit hard by the developments in AI. And you say Trump policies as well – has he imposed tariffs on Indian IT goods as well? Or you’re feeling it more indirectly?

I’m glad you’re taking care of yourself and exercising regularly. But it must be hard to financially support your family, even when you don’t have a job. I understand you didn’t want to tell them, and that’s why you need keep paying up. Do you think they’d judge you a lot if they knew you lost your job? Or they’d expect you to find another job ASAP and be “less picky”?

And yeah, I can imagine that the fact they take your support for granted hurts the most. That’s a cultural thing and I guess it’s pretty hard to be born in such a culture 🙁

I’m glad you’re managing to rent your own flat and not live with your parents. Because yeah, I know the type of mental exhaustion that goes with that… BTW is your father’s health better now? Last time we spoke you said your grandfather was ill too. How is he now?

I’m also happy you have supporting people in your life as well. That’s super important!

And so you’re starting another round of travels this Thursday, right? How was the last round of travels? Have you met anyone interesting? 😉

I myself am kind of better, not necessarily physically better, but rather, having more mental resilience, I guess. I’m learning to hope, to think more positively, to not fall into depression when things get physically tough. And they do, but then they get better, and it’s a roller-coaster. But mentally/emotionally I can regulate myself better. So I guess that’s an achievement. I feel more stable now.

Today is the first day of my holidays, and I’m looking forward to do some swimming (which should do me good health-wise too). As far as bigger, career-wise projects, they’re still “in the making”. But I don’t feel they’re impossible any more. Still, more focused action is needed if I want to make things happen. So yeah, that’s the next big step for me…

I wish you all the best on your next round of travels! And yes, to keep putting one foot in front of the other, never losing hope, never giving up on your dreams…