Dear Alessa,

you’re welcome! Thank you for your kind words too <3

Yeah, deep breathing is so important, but when I’m anxious, I tend to forget it too 🙂

It must have been hard growing up with a mum who was never happy. The minimum I would imagine kids need is for their parents to be happy to interact with them. I feel like some people enjoy being unhappy. Some people try to comfort others when they act in this way.

Yes, unfortunately my mother was/is the kind o person who “enjoys” being unhappy, or rather, she always finds an excuse to be unhappy. As a child, I tried my best to make her happy, to cheer her up, but it never worked, even if I was an excellent pupil, behaved well and didn’t really cause her any troubles.

And yeah, me too tried to comfort my mother, or later when I was older to explain to her that it might help her to change her perspective and see things from a different angle. Because in reality, things weren’t so bad as she was portraying them to be.

But alas, she wouldn’t like that. She never liked it when I told her she isn’t seeing something right. She’d blame me when I did that. And so I stopped. But it took me many years before I stopped trying, because I was still hoping that I can make her see, that I can make her understand. But no, I couldn’t.

And I think it only happened in the last few years that I’ve realized that she cannot be reached. And so I had to change my attitude. I had to accept her as she is and put some boundaries. But most importantly, I saw that she sort of “enjoys” to suffer, as you said. And I stopped trying to help her alleviate that suffering. I stopped trying to make her happy. And that was a huge change. Emotional detachment. And it brought me a great deal of peace.

I think religion has been a bit difficult for me because I grew up in a cult. It is interesting how life finds different ways to teach similar lessons.

Oh I see. You know, I had a brush with a cult-like kind of group myself, but already in my adulthood. That’s where I got in touch with those spiritual teachings. But some of it was really useful, e.g. not seeing God as judgmental, but loving and compassionate. The concept of Divine Mother and Divine Father, to replace the toxic experiences we might have had with our biological parents. I’ve experienced feeling unconditionally loved and opening my heart in meditations with Jesus and Virgin Mary, who in my mind represented unconditional love, compassion and mercy.

So although the group later turned cultish, I’ve learned some important concepts (that resonated with me strongly and felt like truth to me). And I did experience a dose of healing there. But it had a dark side as well, and definitely didn’t do good for my sense of self-worth (which was low to begin with, and then it only dug me deeper). So I had to heal from that.

That makes sense. When I had my son it just clicked in my head that he is perfect as he is. And trust me it was not a walk in the park with him screaming for 4 hours every evening. He didn’t need to do anything to be special, he just was (and still is). Thankfully, no more screaming!

Oh yes, I can imagine that! That’s why I say kudos to all young parents – they have to deal with a lot! 🙂

But yeah, seeing your child as precious and amazing, and honoring them as this little person with their own individuality, their talents, their creativity… and letting that unfold is so important. And not expecting a kid to behave like an adult – allow the kid to make a mess and make mistakes, and have compassion for them.

My mother criticized me a lot and didn’t really praise me, but took all my achievements for granted. And that’s very damaging for the child. She expected perfection, and the funny thing is that even if I was almost perfect, it wasn’t enough. So I grew up with the sense of not being good enough. No matter what I did, no matter how well I performed at school, I wasn’t good enough. And that was crushing.

When it comes to unconditional love. It is my son that really opened that door for me. I know that a lot of people don’t practice unconditional love. I know that one day he will make mistakes and I want to be there for him when he does.

Yes, unconditional love. Even if he makes mistakes, you’re there for him. You won’t abandon him emotionally, you won’t send him a message that he is bad, that he as a person is bad, that that’s his identity.

I think it’s okay to set boundaries and make them know that some behaviors are not acceptable (such as pushing their finger into the electricity socket, or running across the street without checking the traffic, or hitting another kid, or whatever other bad or dangerous behavior). But throughout all that, they should know that you love them. That they are lovable. That there is nothing fundamentally wrong with them. Because I got that message from my mother: that there’s something deeply wrong with me – and that’s what ruined me the most.

I have been thinking about changing the way I do things. I find that I often do things because of trauma. I want to reframe and do things for other reasons instead of letting my trauma dictate how I raise my son.

I did find loving kindness meditation a gateway to feeling loving feelings about myself.

That’s great! I think that the more loving kindness you can give to yourself, the more you will be attuned to your true self, and the more peaceful and relaxed you will be. You won’t react from trauma, but from your center. At least that’s what I think.

Of course, it’s not easy. But also, we’re allowed to make mistakes. Even if you sometimes overreact with your son, you can repair it afterwards. You can say you’re sorry.

It is the constant lack of attunement that hurts the child and leaves scars, not the occasional overreaction when we’re tired or overwhelmed. It’s when the repair never happens that the child gets traumatized. And you’re a super aware and a super conscious mother. You’ll definitely know when you did something less than perfectly with your kid. And you can repair it.

So please don’t worry – you are truly equipped to be a good enough mother, and you’re doing a great job <3

I’m glad to hear that you have good people in your life who are there for you. You deserve it! You’re a special woman. ❤️

Thank you, Alessa, that’s very kind of you. You’re an incredibly kind and supportive person, and I appreciate you a lot <3

Dear Alessa,

Fortunately, I have made peace with my feelings about being a mother. I know that I try my best and that is good enough. I think it is just the feelings from childhood trauma that are hard to shift.

I’m happy to hear that. And yes, I can imagine how the thought of not being good enough can creep in whenever things are hard and you feel tired and exhausted. But in those moments, try to remember that you ARE good enough, that there’s nothing wrong with you, and that you’re doing your best. And do some deep breathing and centering, just to let that sink 🙂

That is a good point Tee. I’m sorry to hear that your mother was often stressed out and overly focused on putting practical needs first.

Yeah, it was hectic. But she was that kind of person – she was unhappy a lot, although she didn’t have a real reason to be unhappy, because she had support in her environment. But she would exhaust herself unnecessarily with household chores, and then complain about it. I’ve started to realized those patterns only much later in my adulthood.

But yeah, she put the emphasis on the physical aspect of care – even too much – and then she felt stressed about it. And for me as a child, it was hard because I wanted my mother to be happy and satisfied, and she never was.

It’s not easy when they are young because a messy home is legitimately a safety hazard. He will get older though and things will get easier. Only one year left until he’s in nursery. These things don’t last forever.

Oh yes, that’s true! Keeping things clean is a necessity when they’re so young. But as you say, that shall pass too. You’ve got one more year till nursery. I’m rooting for you to keep on keeping on till things get easier. And also, try to have lots of self-compassion in the process <3

You asked me on the other thread how I’ve developed a strong sense of self-worth. Ehhh, that was a long, decades long process, with some detours as well, looking for approval from wrong people, in wrong places. I always had interest in spirituality, and eventually found some teachings that can be characterized as Christian mysticism. That’s where I’ve learned about unconditional love and that I am lovable, and truly felt it in my heart.

But with self-worth it was much harder, because I believed I needed to prove that I’m worthy. That I need to deserve it. But then somehow (also with the help of spiritual teachings) I’ve realized that we’re born with an innate divine presence, as “children of God”, if you will. And that self-worth actually stems from there. That I am worthy simply because I exist.

This helped me drop the high expectations that I had on myself, and the sense of not being good enough, even the sense that I don’t matter. Gradually I’ve accepted that I do matter. And luckily I had people in my life who assured me of that. 🙂 And so, little by little, I did develop my sense of worth. But it was a long and winding road, for sure.

Dear Anita,

thank you for your reply. I think I understand you: you don’t want to have compassion for the Eraser. Totally fair.

And indeed, we shouldn’t have compassion for the Eraser, for the predator who is about to consume us.

My healing was about realizing – after many moons of therapy and self-processing – that the Eraser cannot erase my Being any more, because I know who I am. Nothing the Eraser says or does can make me doubt my own worth and my lovability.

So in my eyes, my mother is not the Eraser any more. She is something else, but she is not the dangerous predator she once was.

Healing helped me redefine my mother and relate to her differently. It doesn’t mean we have a great relationship – because we don’t – but I don’t feel so endangered in that relationship like I did before.

That was my process, and that’s where the post about compassion came from. But I also acknowledge that you may have a different standpoint, and a different path. I respect that and don’t want to impose anything, or claim anything, that doesn’t resonate with you. I truly wish you the best on your healing path <3

Dear Claire,

My acceptance of this poor behaviour set a precedent, I know I was saying it’s ok to talk to me like s&£@ and get away with,

I understand that in the beginning you never challenged his bad behavior, but you too would pretend as if nothing happened once he stopped sulking and returned to “normal”, right? Was there a point when you told him that you won’t tolerate his outbursts, and that he needs to do something about it (e.g. see a therapist)? That he can’t talk to you like that, and that you won’t be tolerating it anymore?

Thanks, Alessa <3

Dear Anita,

you’re welcome!

You’ve done some really great work with Copilot (I’ve read the first of your 2 long conversations with Copilot, the one from July 28). There were some profound observations that Copilot had (e.g. about your mother being jealous and envious at you, among other things). And I think it gave you a really good advice for healing, such as:

You: Part of me is screaming: WHY? Why did she want to erase me? WHY?

Copilot explained why. And then it asked you:

Would it feel grounding to explore what that inner scream most wants to be met with? Not just “Why,” but maybe: Now what? How do I hold this truth without being consumed by it?

You’re now asking: how can I possibly love my Eraser? Really.. how?

Well, first, I think it would help to see your mother not only as a Monster and an Eraser, but also as a deeply wounded human. Not with the purpose of finding excuses for her and hoping to get love from her that she will never give you. But more for the purpose of freeing yourself from hate, anger and outrage on one end, as well as from hopeless love and desperate longing for her love – on the other end of the spectrum.

In order to heal, we need to feel those emotions, process them, and then let go, by centering in our true self. Because otherwise we’ll get stuck in an endless loop of feeling outraged, asking why did it happen to us, and longing for a different destiny, a different life, in which the abuse never happened. And because it’s not possible – we cannot have that life, we cannot change what has already happened to us – there is a danger that we stay stuck forever.

That’s why we need radical acceptance: accept that trauma happened, that the abuse happened, that your mother was someone with severe mental health problems, and that her treatment of you doesn’t say anything about your worth or who you are as a person.

Radical acceptance doesn’t mean to “get over it”. It means to accept that trauma happened, that it was awful, and that we might even have long-term consequences from it. But that we cannot change our past – we can only change our future. And that’s where the new life begins.

I want to be clear. In black-and-white situations.. black and white thinking is appropriate-
So, really, when your mother is trying to ERASE you (her daughter, so it happens to be), that’s black-and-white, all-or-nothing thinking that’s appropriate to the real-life situation, isn’t it?

I know that I accused Copilot of not being black-and-white enough when talking about your mother’s “love” for you. And then it corrected itself and acknowledged that abuse shouldn’t be called love.

However, in a bigger picture, when you look at your mother (in general, when we look at our abusive parents), I think seeing her in black-and-white terms (as Monster, or Eraser) isn’t helpful, because it keeps you stuck in outrage.

But if you see her as a deeply wounded individual – someone so wounded that she resorted to hating and trying to annihilate her own daughter so she wouldn’t feel threatened by her – well, that adds another layer. It frees the space for compassion. And this compassion then soothes the outrage.

We are even able to forgive, and with that forgiveness, we free ourselves from wanting or needing anything from the person who abused us. You can see her depravity, you don’t hate her, you don’t need her to love you or acknowledge you. Because you already love and acknowledge yourself. You’ve already given to your inner child that what she hasn’t given you.

how can I possibly love my Eraser?

I think the answer is: through compassion. Compassion is the answer. See her as a deeply wounded human, and let go. It doesn’t mean that she didn’t abuse you, it just means her abuse didn’t destroy you. You’ve emerged on the other side and are anchored in your true self. And compassion is one of the key features of our true self.

There are more things I wanted to comment on, and I might in future posts, but for now, I think this is the most important thing that I wanted to say. Compassion helped me. As well as radical acceptance. I hope it can help you too. And that this discussion is meaningful to you <3

Dear Panda,

sometimes talking to him just annoys me and makes me frustrated and mad
it’s scary when i feel bothered just talking to him

Are you aware what is that makes you feel frustrated while talking to your boyfriend? Is it something that he says or does, or it has nothing to do with him but it’s just something that comes up from within you?

There can be multiple reasons why you feel like you stop having feelings for him. You said you both want a future together, and consciously you might be really excited about it (me n him really want like a future together and i look forward to it so much). But subconsciously there might be a part of you that is afraid of that future, or perhaps believes that you don’t deserve it. And so you kind of want to sabotage it, subconsciously.

That’s just an example – I’m not saying it is true for you. But it might be worth exploring what comes up for you as you start imagining your future together: besides excitement and good feelings, is there some fear or reluctance as well?

Dear Anita,

you’re very welcome!

When I first read Copilot’s use of the word love in that context, I felt a deep sense of discomfort. It puzzled me—calling abuse any form of love feels like a distortion in itself. As you so beautifully put it, that kind of language blurs boundaries that must stay clear. Your phrasing—relating or parenting in distorted ways—rings true to my experience. It preserves the integrity of what love is meant to be: safe, nourishing, affirming. Anything less shouldn’t bear the same name.

Yes, I think so too. Actually, I think Copilot (or any other AI model, such as ChatGPT) can be rather tricky, because sometimes it gives us the answers it thinks we want to hear. I’ve noticed it with ChatGPT that if I formulate my question in a way that it contains in itself an assumption, it might give me an answer that is skewed to conform to that assumption.

It’s almost as if my assumption (which might be a false one) limits the spectrum of answers that ChatGPT is willing to offer me, and skews the answer to fit my assumption! Which I found rather unsettling, because I want the facts, not some “hallucinations”, as they call it, or some skewed opinions that AI thinks I want to hear.

I might be wrong about Copilot, since I’ve never used it, but if it’s similar to ChatGPT, maybe it “sensed” that the thought of your mother not loving you is a painful one for you:

Anita: She didn’t love me, did she? (tears in my eyes)

Maybe that’s when Copilot chose to describe her behavior as “love, but not in its truest form”. And then, when you probed further: “was it love in any form?“, it proceeded to offer the possibility that it might have been a flicker of love and a longing to connect, but that she wasn’t able to show it properly. Finally, it concluded that “some people love in distorted ways: through control, through harshness, through silence.”

I don’t know, this is just a speculation. But it could be that it gave you an answer that it deemed more acceptable to you. Eventually, it did “correct” itself and gave a true definition of love. But this little “glitch” might have been caused by this feature of wanting to give a pleasing answer.

Sorry for harping on this, but I did get disappointed in AI, or at least, I’ve experienced its limitations, so I’m now much more cautious about using it.

When my mother did things that seemed loving—like cooking my favorite meal, or walking a long distance to get me a cake I loved—it confused me. In some ways, I almost wished her behavior had been consistently bad, so I wouldn’t have to feel so conflicted.

Do you think those acts were expressions of love, at least in intent?

Hmm… I think she wanted to look like a good mother. And for her, a good mother is a mother who sacrifices herself, who almost acts like a martyr. Walking long distance to get you a favorite cake is a martyr-like behavior. And I can imagine that she was later telling you how sacrificial she was, and how this is a proof that she loves you so much, right?

I don’t think she did it in a calculated, conscious way, but that she had the need to feel like a good person, and doing those “acts of sacrifice” made her feel like that. It was for her own ego, I think, for her own sense of goodness. I might be wrong though.

And yes, that’s very confusing, because those “acts of kindness” do seem like love and care. But they always come with a price, where she might blame you later for not being grateful enough, or as a proof of how much she loves you.

But the thing with narcissistic mothers is that it’s very hard to be grateful and feel their love, because most of the times what we hear is criticism, put-downs, and the message that we’re not good enough. We might even feel guilty for not feeling grateful for their “acts of kindness” when in truth, we can’t be grateful for the abuse that we’re experiencing on a daily basis.

Anyway, I think their “acts of kindness” or “acts of sacrifice” might be more about showing how great of a person they are, and not so much about truly caring and wanting to make their child happy. So yeah, I think there is a selfish motive underneath, although they might not be aware of that.