Thank you all for your time and thoughts. I must say it was a mix of emotion as I sit here to process tonight. It’s the age old question- do I stay or do I go?

So – the fact of the matter is, the project should be nearing an end- very soon. Like maybe even at the end of this week. Deadlines seem to be a bit extended though as things go wrong and he has to deal with issues that arise. I’ve made a commitment to myself and to our marriage to stay until the end of the project and see if we can work on things after. This project is a childhood dream for my husband and he has worked so hard at it. I don’t know if I could live with myself if I stood in the way of him perusing his childhood dream. On the other hand, I don’t know I feel about getting the raw end of the deal through all of this.

He wasn’t there – AT ALL – through my pregnancy. Towards the end, I went to the emergency room for a migraine and had my elderly neighbor take me. He was at work so I texted him what was going on and he said “Ok, I hope you feel better. Keep me posted.” He had said a few times that we shouldn’t be having a baby while all this is going on. Also, that he had started this project first before we were even pregnant. He also has said that I box him into a corner with the fact that I make decisions like having a baby with taking him into consideration. I find this very hard…I do have wants and desires in life, and having a baby was one of them. WE -together- were trying to have a baby for 3 years. We started going to a fertility clinic….together!! He has his sperm counts checked. I was on medication for a year and a half. It is not like this isn’t something we hadn’t discussed. We were having trouble getting pregnant because I have PCOS. I rarely ovulate on my own. So at the beginnings of our relationship turmoil, we pulled the plug on all fertility efforts…..HA! A few months later, I went in for a routine pap smear and the doctor decided to do a precautionary pregnancy test and it was positive. I was already 12 weeks pregnant. This was not a joyous time. I didn’t get to excitedly tell my husband, YAY – I’m making you a father. We had way more discussions of “are we having an abortion” than “I can’t wait to find out what we’re having”. When it came down to it, I simply could not think of terminating the pregnancy. This was my dream.  He took all the excitement and satisfaction out of my dream. Writing it out here, is the first time I’m really processing this. When I went into labor, he had just gotten home from a long night at work and just went to sleep. He had begun sleeping on the couch because my snoring had gotten too much for him to bare. I know from looking at his conversations with his female friend, he shares far more of his emotion with her than me. After our first ultrasound, he told her how neat it was to see everything and how excited he was. With me, he started a huge fight about what kind of parents we were going to be and how we are going to raise this child. He talked with her about the sex of the baby and how he was excited it was going to be a girl. With me, nothing. I felt like a single mother. I pretty much still do.

However, that is in the past now. I know neither of us have been ideal throughout this turmoil in our relationship. I still feel hurt on many things he has done, especially with this female friend over the last year.

I really liked your post CC. I will look into the resources you’ve listed and will definitely check out the podcast. And Dee, you are right about his relationship with this girl. He has said this too – that if I treated him better and we were able to communicate more effectively, we could have a better relationship. He said he sees her like a sister. I need to mention too that she is in a very committed relationship. Her SO and her have been together I think 12 years. Not married, but act like it.

This is not where I saw this post going but I feel I want to share this information all the same. It’s late and the baby is down so I’m going to bed. I will respond more clearly and directly tomorrow. Thanks for reading and helping me through this difficult time.

Dear Anita,

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I often read your advice to others on here an it has helped me through some difficult moments. I value your perspective on relationships and life in general.

My husband and his female friend spend a lot of time alone at the office. It is just the two of them at this point. There have been others before, but right now it’s just them. He relates to me that they work well together and they can bounce ideas off of each other which spark more creativity. I’m quite positive that there is nothing physical going on. He has said this to my on many occasions. One of the things I am ashamed of in handling all of this is breaking into his computer and phone and reading their conversations (I have stopped this behavior). Through this, I have seen their relationship and there is nothing that says he is cheating on me. There is teasing and banter which makes me uncomfortable, but I know these are feelings I need to work on. For example – they are working on something – she says “ah, man, this is really frustrates me.” And he sends her a link to an image or something to make her feel better. This bothers me because this is not how our interactions go. I understand with the state of our relationship right now; there is a lot of hostility. We used to be light hearted like this, but we haven’t since she came into the picture. I feel hurt when I have this information and usually confront him with it. I don’t want to feel this way. I don’t want be controlling over his life/actions/friends etc. I also am afraid I will do this to my daughter as she grows up. This is what I am seeking help to change with.

Another thing they do, is go shopping together on their breaks. They go to the grocery store, pick out meals together and stock the office like it is a house. This hurts because I want to spend these moments with my husband. He doesn’t accompany me to the grocery store, before this started or now. We did used to go to department stores when he had more time and now she accompanies him to the store when he goes. This is when we used to have fun together and he says he doesn’t have time to do that with me, but does do it with her. Also, they go on walks together, or go get coffee.

In regards to yesterday’s encounter, we met and said hi and we were walking to a shaded place. He said, “Don’t you think we should try and keep (our daughter) out of the direct sunlight?” Reading your response and having further time to reflect on the matter, I know I over reacted according to my own interpretations of the comment. I was trying to feed her a bottle and push the stroller to the shaded area and doing my best to keep the sun from sneaking through the cover that was over her carrier. With him working so much right now, I have full on care for her by myself. I feel that when we are around him that he doesn’t acknowledge the effort I put into caring for her on a daily basis and brings attention to the areas that need improvement. I can understand that he means well, but in the moment, it hurts to feel like he doesn’t approve of the way I care for our daughter. I have tried talking to him about this and he has made efforts to be supportive.

I agree with whole heartedly agree that effective communication is the root of the problem. I know this is an area I need to improve on. I’m trying to figure out in what ways I can communicate better without letting my emotions interfere. Also, I have done some reading on CBT. I have the book “Mind over Mood” and I want to continue working on this. A problem I realized last year is I feel I have ADD. It is very difficult for me to stick with something after I have started it. I’m trying to find ways to help with this. I cannot go on any medication right now, nor am I certain that is the route I would take. I will pick the book up again and continue with these efforts.

I also know you are right about assertiveness. This is not my nature. I know the value in it, especially with our relationship. I have a constant worry of messing up what I am trying to say or coming across as a b*****. This is something I will practice.

Thanks again for your time.

TT